My life is an empty void. My heart as cold as ice. My eyes frozen. My soul dying. I can't cry anymore. I can't sleep anymore. I can't live anymore. I can't smile anymore. I can't laugh anymore. It feels like I am being tortured. Being killed slowly as some sort of punishment. Some sort of sick joke. I need to put my guard up. I can't let this affect me. I feel like my life is being ripped apart. Far beyond my control. I have nothing left. Everything is in tatters. Torn up and dumped on the floor. So hard to piece back together. I can't look her in the eye. I can't speak to her. I know it's my fault he's dead. I'm scared she won't forgive me. I'm scared she won't love me anymore. I am more alone now than ever. I'm scared that I will always be alone. I'm scared that she's out of my reach now. She's just slipping from my grasp. I'm trying to reach out. But I don't have the strength to haul us both up. One or both of us has to fall and I have a feeling that it's going to be both of us. She squirms at my touch. Walks away from my sight. Looks at me with those piercing eyes, lets me know that she blames me. She stares through me as if I am not there. She curls up on the very edge of the king size bed. Glued to the spot. Careful not to even brush against me. I hear her cry herself to sleep. Wishing I could scoop her up into my arms and tell her it's all going to be ok. Except I know better. I know that it will never be ok. She barely speaks. Barely notices that I am in the room with her. She sees me, averts her gaze and walks from the room. She doesn't even regard me. She walks past me in the corridors at work and stares at the ground. I hold my breath as she walks past me. Eventually exhaling as she disappears around the corner. When she is forced to speak to me, she answers in one word answers. Barely glances up at me. She smiles at others but it doesn't reach those ice cold pools. I'm falling deeper into them. Her love for me drowning in the depths, just like my love for her. We don't have a chance now. We don't love each other. Things will never be the same again. I transfer to another Police station. I can't take staring at those cold eyes, that broken heart.
I walk into the police station and I feel relief that no one knows me, my wife or our personal problems. I get on with my broken life. And one year later, I see her for the very first time and my whole world starts to get glued back together like a broken ornament. Then you reach the point where there are shards missing that leave small gaps. I had to get closer to the shining star that had walked into my life. Nothing seemed to go right. I always put my foot in it. Then I got the chance. My life became a whole again. Better than the way it was. I could never have known I would feel so happy again. I didn't believe it possible. I began to let my guard down and she showed me a life worth living and a love worth fighting for. I hope that this is the way it would always be. We know that time will only tell. But so far......I am with my soul mate. My soul and her soul together forever.
