The razor touched the skin of her wrist gently at first her hand steady as she glided it straight across the skin watching as it made a thin red line, blood bubbling up in a thin trail.
She repeated the action as tears began to run down her face. There was a ache in her chest, a hole in her heart. She dragged the blade across her wrist again. She knew she could just change the direction of the blade, end it all. But she couldn't.
There were pills too of course, many to choose from in her mother's bathroom. She was alone in the house, she could sneak in and swallow an entire bottle and finally just give up. She hadn't been listening to her mother went she'd said where she was going and didn't know when she was coming back.
Some of her mother's staff were still on the grounds of course, but no one ever paid any mind to her. It was like she was invisible. It's always been like that, she though to herself. She was accepted in Yale, she was going to be someone important her mother had told her. She didn't feel important, she felt nothing, nothing but worthless, weak and tired.
She put the razor down on her bedside table before walking to her desk, grabbing a scrap of paper and a pen. She was brief with her goodbyes and simply said she was sorry and really, there was nothing else to say. She didn't write a word about Rome, even if she wanted to she couldn't, she couldn't talk about it anyone, she had wanted to be she felt that she would be hated, judged and bullied for her choice. So that was something that she would she'd take that with her tightly locked up inside her forever.
A smile somehow found a way to her face as the tears continued, she assumed if there was a here after she would would not be going to the pearly gates but she sincerely wished that if there was a heaven that even for brief second she'd be able to see her unborn baby. It was the sole reason she hoped there was a God because she sincerely wished that her unborn child would be taken care of after death, her baby would have been three years old now, she thought quietly. Her belief in God was a conflict within herself but if He did exist, that was the one thing she hoped and prayed for, that He would allow her to see that her child was in Heaven, was safe.
She grabbed the letter and headed out of the room, speed walking through the long hallways of the house, as she had just walked by her mother's office, her head down, someone had walked out and she slammed into his chest and fell back on to the carpeted floor. Who would be up here? She thought angrily as she realized she was still crying, her wrist still bleeding as she was sure she didn't look exactly sane. She looked up at the man who stood between her and her own freedom. He was young, probably in his mid twenties although he still had a rather baby looking face. He had black hair and light brown eyes that were now wide with fright as she scrabbled to her feet. He had muscle and weight over her but she still tried to step side him but he grabbed her and her letter fell out of her hand as she tried to get out of his grip.
"Are you Emily?" He asked still holding her in place, although she had stopped flailing her arms now. She looked up at him, she felt like she was going to throw up. He was going to tell her mother. That was the only thought that truly scared her, who knows what her mother would do, what would her mother say? She didn't want to find out. She continued to struggle and eventually her released his hold on her.
She turned to run, she wasn't sure where but her thoughts were muddled, her vision blurry. She felt lightheaded and dizzy as she tried to will her feet to move, to get away. She didn't know what to do, words weren't coming out of her open mouth and her legs seemed frozen in place. And as hard as she tried to keep her eyes open, the darkness won out.
When she woke up she was in her bed in her room, throughly confused, had she been dreaming? She wasn't that lucky she realized as the man was sitting in a chair on the other side of the room. She sat upright immediately, remembering what had happened as she starred at him wordlessly.
"Are you okay?" He asked her as she continued her silence. She looked down to see her wrist wrapped tightly with a white bandage and she ran her fingers over the cloth. She didn't know what to say.
"What's your name?" She asked quietly, she voice just above a whisper.
"It's Aaron, Aaron Hotchner." He said formally, she looked up and down once more, now noticing the suit and tie. She believed she'd heard her mother saying something about someone coming in to do security clearances for her staff, he must by the agent they sent.
"Hotchner, huh? I'll have to remember that name when I'm in the bureau." She smiled at him, if the small curling up of her lips counted as a smile that is.
"You want to join the bureau?" She nodded slowly, remembering what she wanted to accomplish. She didn't want to cry in front of him but she did want to cry at that moment. Her dream was the BAU, she needed to see that goal reached, she didn't care if she was shot or killed after that, she just wanted to work at the BAU for no matter how long or how short a time.
"Yes, I want to join the bureau and I will after I graduate from Yale." She told him.
"Yale, huh? That's impressive." He replied, casting a smile in her direction. She simply nodded in response.
"It was Hotchner, right? Ever thought about just going by just 'Hotch'?" She asked him.
"No, but I do like that." He smiled, flashing his dimples at her.
"Thank you, Hotch." She knew she had to say it because she now owned him her life. She was grateful and without thinking, got up and hugged him. He hugged her back as her arms wrapped limply around him as she really only wanted to feel human contact, feeling someone else next to her, close to her. She'd tended to keep a distance from people, almost like she kept a wall that kept anyone from getting too close.
"Agent Hotchner?" Elizabeth Prentiss' voice called from downstairs. The two broke apart and Hotch quickly pulled out a card and thrust it into her hand, clasping her hand in his for a moment.
"If you ever need to talk, don't hesitate to call, Emily." He told her gently, brushing a piece of hair out of her face before leaving the room quickly to find her mother.
"Bye, Hotch." She whispered after he'd left the room. She finally started to cry, closing the door so that she'd be left alone. She shut the door and cleaned up her room a bit before laying down under her comforter and falling into a dreamless sleep.
