Disclaimer: We do not own Halo, or anything else.

Nineteen and I decided to get together to write a crazy set of stories that would be remembered to all who read them. This, my friends, is only chapter one of the insane saga titled "Tales of Interest". Enjoy!


/Start Transmission:
Status: TOP SECRET, CLASSIFIED
To: Office of Naval Intelligence (ONI)
From: Cairo Station Orbital Defense Platform
Encryption Code: RED

...To whom it may concern:

We at Cairo have attached the following AV recording... It should explain our predicament better than words will.

/START AV RECORDING

Officer Benjamin Squid groaned and opened up the file. He hoped it was not another video of one of Cairo's drunken parties. They never sent anything of any value. Some other officers gathered around the screen. Unlike Squid, they enjoyed watching these said parties. What they saw was something completely different.

"Oh my God, what the hell is going on up there?" asked Officer Ray Manta.

"I knew that these SPARTANs were a bad idea. I never knew that it would come to this, though." said some random guy who is usually pulling levers (from here on known as Srgwiupl).

"So... What do we do?" asked Manta.

"Nothing now but alert the other platforms to go to a higher security level." said Squid.

"But there is no higher level." pointed out another officer, who no one cared enough about to know his name.

"THEN MAKE ONE!" screamed an angry Squid.

"Yes sir." said Srgwiupl, running to the com station.

"And make sure the Covenant DON'T get their hands on this. Encryption level... Uh, all the colors put together." said Squid.

"That... that's not an encryption code.!" yelled Srgwiupl.

"What are you -talking- about? It makes the highest encryption code ever made!" yelled Squid in a triumphant voice.

"Whatever. I still really doubt this will work..." Srgwiupl stared to send a transmission.

"SRGWIUPL! ARE DOUBTING HIS BRILLIANCE?" asked Manta, pointing a rocket launcher from out of nowhere at the young technician.

"N-n-no Sir." he said.


High Charity, Covenant Holy City
Ninth (or tenth) age of Reclamation

"When you first saw the ring, were you blinded by it's majesty?" asked the Prophet of Truth.

"Blinded?" asked a serious Elite who was standing trial for heresy.

"Uh, sir? We have a demon transmission coming in. Their code says 'I hate my superiors', so I assumed it was for us." said a small grunt, who happened to be on the Brute menu for lunch.

"Why would that correspond the the High Council?" asked Mercy, aiming this question at the grunt.

The Unggoy gave him a look of utter disdain.

"Uh... HERESY! KILL THAT GRUNT NOW!" Ordered Truth.

"It doesn't matter. I'm already going to be lunch for the Brutes." said the grunt.

"Anyways... Were you blinded or not?" asked Regret, wanting to get on with the trial.

"Sir, the transmission!" yelled the Grunt.

"Oh Fine! Play the stupid transmission." yelled Mercy.

A giant plasma screen TV came from the floor. A transmission from the demons patched through.

/Start Transmission (AV)

"Okay, Cairo. We'll take care of everything. We've set the other platforms to a new high on security. That way, you can wait for Chief to calm down."
"Yea. I still say this won't work."
"SHUT UP, SRGWIUPL! Anyways, everything is fine, as long as the Covenant don't get a hold of this. But I have to say, the video is pretty funny. And you know us. We're tight ass jerks who only like serious things. We can't even say stuff. OH GOD. Anyways, we're going to send the video back for NO GOOD REASON. ONI out."

The talking man with the word "SQUID" printed in fancy letters on his jacket disappeared, and was replaced with a video. Even the prophets, who had seen everything, were amazed by this horrific display of Demon-like behavior. While the prophets, other Elites, and Grunts, and whatever else happened to be there were making popcorn and choking on it from the shock, the Elite that was on trial snuck out of the center chamber and ran off through a series of long, purple hallways.

Back in the chamber, the video ended. The various members of the Covenant still had their mouths wide open in shock. A grunt hit the neon purple light switch and light (pink tinted) flooded the room.

"Thank you, Soon-To-Be-Food, for turning our attention to that transmission. But, we have a Heretic to torture and- Hey, where is he?" Truth stopped his long monologue and looked for the Elite.

"I thought he was being guarded by Brutes!" yelled a cranky Mercy, who had fallen asleep during the video.

"Ugh. Old people." said Regret.

"Don't say that! You're one too!" yelled Mercy in his own defense.

"But I'm in da hood, G." said Regret, attempting to make the "Rock on" sign with his three fingers.

For a moment, all was silent at this terrible, terrible display.

"ANYWAYS... Where is that Elite?" asked Truth, ignoring Mercy and Regret's bickering.

"We don't know, mighty ones." said the Chieftain of the Brutes, now named Mary.

"Well find him, please. And do so before they stop bickering. For then, I will be bored. And when I am bored..."

"Okay, okay. We will. Just don't make the Elites do the entertainment..." Mary shivered, remembering the last time the Elites did the entertainment, He was chained to a chair, and his eyes had been held open with duct tape. He had to watch an hour of the elites dancing in pink, frilly tutus to "New York, New York". What a horrible day that had been.

Far off from the center chamber now, Thel 'Vadamee kept running away.

"There is NO WAY I am going to be branded with a hot stick, and then sent off to go and commit suicide in an artful way. NO WAY IN HELL." he said to himself.

"Okay. I need somewhere where they will never even think of looking for me, somewhere like... There!" whispered 'Vadamee to himself upon seeing... The daycare. He ran inside and hid behind the door. A bunch of young Elites looked up and saw him. One even threw a plastic truck at his head.

"Who are you?" asked one of them, poking 'Vadamee with a crayon.

"I am Thel 'Vadamee of Sangheilios. And where, I ask, did you get that device? Isn't that a tool of the demons?" asked 'Fulsamee.

"Uh... Heretic?" suggested the young Elite.

"What did your parents tell you about taking things from heretics?" asked 'Vadamee.

"Uh.. Not to?" asked the Young Elite, voice shaky.

"Yes now-"

"Hey, wait! Weren't you supposed to be on trial today?" asked another young elite.

"Uh, look. If you don't tell that I'm here I'll.. Uh... Tell you a story." said 'Vadamee, wondering where the hell he was going to get a story that would entertain the young elites.

"YAY STORY!" yelled the young Elites in unison. They all sat down in a circle. Vadamee sighed and wondered what he was going to do now.

Then he remembered. The horrible video that they had seen. Surely that would entertain them.

"Okay, younglings, I shall tell you a story that you will find in no storybook... I call it..."

"The invincible Rainbow?" asked an Elite child, his eyes getting sparkly.

"No! The Sugar-highed Demon." said 'Vadamee, wiggling his fingers to make it sound evil.

"Ooooooooh." said the Elites.

"Once upon a time, actually, not too long ago, no wait."

"YOU CAN'T TELL A STORY! IT'S ALL WRONG. YOU HAVE TO TELL IT RIGHT!" yelled the same young elite that had told the others that he was supposed to be on trial.

"Can you please be quiet. What is your name, youngling?" 'Vadamee asked.

"Puyo~ I am the 1337est of the elites." said 'Garumee.

"Okay, Puyo, please let me continue." said 'Vadamee.

"As I was saying, not too long ago, okay, screw this. I will show you the story." said 'Vadamee, tired of trying to figure out how to tell the story "right". He pulled out his own copy of the transmission, somehow already on the High Charity Top Seller list. He fiddled with it for a second, and then turned the screen so that the Elites could see. He hit the small "play" button and started the AV.

"Ooooh, pretty colors." said 'Garumee. His friends nodded in agreement.

"Just watch the story!" yelled 'Vadamee, getting annoyed with the younglings' obnoxiousness.

"BUT WE LIKE THE PRETTY COLORS!" shouted another Elite.

"Well, what is your name. Because I already have Puyo here on the bad list." said 'Vadamee, getting angrier by the second.

"My name is Nori!" yelled the Elite in triumph.

"Fine, Nori. You and your friends can just watch the pretty colors. I'm leaving." 'Vadamee opened the door quite forcefully and left... And happened to bump right in to Mary.

"Oh, hello Mary! So.. Uh.. Nice to see you. Tell me, how is every little thing?" asked 'Vadamee, stuttering in confusion.

"HERETIC!" Mary bellowed, pulling out his Gravity Hammer. 'Vadamee flinched, figuring that this was going to be his impromptu execution. "I want to hear the story!" Mary cried. He fell to his knees and beat the floor, crying.

"Okay, Okay. But you're going to have to fight the other Elites for it." he gestured to the younglings, who were sitting in front of the screen. They looked over, and saw Mary. They growled to indicate that this movie was THEIRS.

"But... but... That movie is theirs, and they won't share with me!" Mary cried.

"Younglings, What did you're parents tell you about sharing?" asked 'Vadamee.

"They told us not to. Except for Hoja's mom."

"Yea, his mother was a toaster oven!" yelled Puyo.

"But Puyo, you were a toaster oven too!" yelled Hoja.

"Shut up! I hate you!" yelled Puyo, throwing a truck and two crayons at the other young Elite.

'Vadamee angrily growled and put on his flowery apron... of doom.

"NO, ADULT ONE! NOT THE APRON!" yelled Nori.

"Yes. The apron. Unless you all stop fighting and share with Mary, that is." said 'Vadamee, trying to grin. But since he had mandibles, he couldn't. He also, like all Sangheili, could not eat churros. It was an incredibly tragic matter.

"Okay." they all said in unison. They gave Mary the screen, and then they all flew away.

"Now I'm going to run..." said 'Vadamee.

"Go ahead... Pretty colors..." said Mary, staring intently at the screen.

"Ha! Easy as pie. Mmm...Pie..." said 'Vadamee, to himself.


Office of Naval Intelligence
Main Base-Thing...or... whatever.
Earth

Officer Squid paced the Com room, hoping that Cairo had gotten the transmission. He sighed and looked out the one window that was in the entire building.

"Srgwiupl, please tell me the status of our transmission?" he asked.

"Well, it got to Cairo. And it got to High Charity. Apparently, the encryption code 'I hate my superiors' refers to them," he mumbled.

"SRGWIUPL! HOW DARE YOU! I TOLD YOU TO MAKE THE ENCRYPTION CODE ALL-OF-THE-COLORS-COMBINED! NOT WHATEVER INCOMPETENCE YOU JUST MUTTERED!" yelled Squid, a vein in his forehead showing.

The technician brought a palm to his face. A thought occurred to him as a ripe coconut dropped from the palm onto the carpet.

"Hey, Officer Squid? How long ago did this all happen?" asked Srgwiupl.

"Well, it was about five hours ago..." he started...

/FLASHBACK: ON THE CAIRO STATION ORBITAL DEFENSE PLATFORM/

It was the middle of what was designated "night" for the crew aboard the Cairo Station Orbital Defense Platform. A single figure could be seen, using the shadows to his advantage. The fridge opened and closed all in the same minute. The figure, with much of what appeared to be sugary and caffeinated things, headed back to his dwelling.

/THE NEXT MORNING/

"Hey, where are all the sodas?" asked Major Stahrfeesh, looking through the empty refrigerator.

"Beats me. Wait, where's the sugar? This coffee's too strong." said Admiral Fietoplanckton.

"And where's the Master Chief?" asked General Saenddullar.

"Beats me. But I guess he'd be in his room still." said Stahrfeesh. The three officers, along with a platoon or two of marines who wanted their caffeine, headed to the room of Master Chief, conveniently called "117" and located right next to the kitchen. Admiral Fietoplanckton keyed in the special code that only he and Chief knew and the door slid open.

"Hey, Chief! You in here?" asked Saenddullar into the darkness. Stahrfeesh flipped the light switch and light flooded the room. They all gasped. Chief wasn't there.

"WHERE THE HELL IS MY SPARTAN?" Screamed Sergeant Major A. J. Johnson, who appeared from nowhere, just like many other characters in this story.

"YOUR SPARTAN? I think we all agreed he was my SPARTAN." said Admiral Fietoplanckton.

"Well, it doesn't matter who's he is. Just where the hell is he?" Johnson asked.

"I don't know. We were all trying to figure that out." said Saenddullar.

"No, you were all staring into space. Have you ever thought of actually LOOKING for him?" asked Johnson.

"Uh, we assumed that he wouldn't be hiding like a child." said Fietoplanckton.

"Assume makes an ass out of you and me. Now LOOK!" commanded Johnson.

"I outrank you, sergeant!" yelled Fietoplanckton. Little did they know, one of the more curious marines opened up Chief's closet.

"Uh, guys? I think you better come here." the Marine said.

"What? What could be so important?" asked Fietoplanckton.

"Uh, the Marine is right. I think we found our SPARTAN, and our sugary foods." said Johnson, staring at what the marine had found.

Sure enough, Master Chief was curled up in a ball in his closet, sugary foods surrounding him in an exact circle.

"I wonder how he managed that." wondered Stahrfeesh.

"Yea, all that food. That's a lot, even for a SPARTAN." said Fietoplanckton.

"No. It's in a perfect circle." said Stahrfeesh.

"Chief, wake up please..." said a marine, poking Chief with a Nerds Rope that he had found... The one uneaten candy object.

"I can't believe this..." Chief grumbled.

"Hey, he's still alive. C'mon Chief. Get up." said Saenddullar.

"HOW DARE YOU TRY AND STEAL MY WONDERFUL SUGAR!" screamed Chief.

"What do you mean, Chief?" asked Cortana, who was still in Chief's brain.

"SHUT UP, LADY IN MY HEAD! THE VOICES! STOP THEM PLEEEAASE!" screamed Chief.

"Chief, that's Cortana. She's a Smart AI. She's not a lady in your head." said Fietoplanckton.

"You... YOU WANT MY SUGAR TOO! I FEEL CLAUSTROPHOBIC!" screamed Chief. He jumped out of the closet and stuck to the wall like Spiderman.

/INTERMISSION/

The Elites back in the center chamber were watching the video for the fortieth time.

"LEIK, OMG! THE DEMON LOOKS LIKE SPIDER CHIEF! HE IS SOOO SEXXXYY!" yelled an Elite named Seri 'Rosamee.

"That is the fortieth time you've said that 'Rosamee. Now shut up!" yelled 'Vadamee, who had been accepted back into the chamber only because he could make popcorn.

/INTERMISSION END/

"Okay, Chief. Please come down. We won't steal your sugar. We'll give you more!" bribed Fietoplanckton.

"NO!" yelled Chief. He began to throw coconuts at them, like a monkey. When he ran out of coconuts, he began throwing squids. No one understood how he got these objects, just that he had them.

"Ahh! It's sticking to my face!" yelled Saenddullar.

"Aww... IT LIKES YOU!" screamed Chief.

"Okay, that's it. Someone get the needle full of anesthesia!" barked Johnson.

"Yes sir!" squeaked a Grunt.

"Hey, wait. You're a Covenant Grunt. Why are you here?" asked Stahrfeesh.

"I dunno. But I'll get the anesthesia." the grunt "smiled" and walked off. Suddenly, just as it was about to give a comment, something about the value of foresight, its head exploded.

"DAMN IT! Someone just go and get the damn stun guns." said Fietoplanckton.

"That's more cursing than I would like to hear in Peacetime!" yelled Johnson.

"BUT WE'RE IN WAR!" yelled Fietoplanckton.

Suddenly, the grunt, sans its head, appeared with a stun gun.

"Here ya go, stun gun fresh off the line," the Unggoy motioned to a conveniently located weapon factory that had suddenly appeared behind him.

"Okay, Chief... Say goodnight." said Fietoplanckton, trying to aim the gun for the constantly moving Chief. He fired two shots, both of them hit random innocent marines that were hanging around.

"Okay, I'll take it." said Johnson.

All in all, it took 59 stungun rounds just to sedate him enough to get him off the wall, and another 50 more to put him to sleep for only 5 minutes.

/END FLASHBACK FROM CAIRO STATION ORBITAL DEFENSE PLATFORM/

"And that's how it all happened." said Squid.

"Wow. Well, I hate to give you this bad news, but the Covenant sent us something back. Apparently, they liked the video." said Srgwiupl.

"Well, what is it?" asked Squid.

"I don't know, sir. I haven't opened the file." he replied.

"Well, open it!" ordered Squid.


YOU'VE READ IT, YOU CAN'T UNREAD IT!

WHAT WILL THE TRANSMISSION CONTAIN? WILL IT BE SOMETHING THAT WILL CHANGE THE DIRECTION OF THE WAR? OR WILL IT CONTAIN NOTHING IN PARTICULAR? IF WE'RE THE ONES WHO DECIDE, THEN WHY ARE WE ASKING YOU? WILL THIS WRITER EVER STOP SCREAMING? STAY TUNED FOR THE NEXT...

TALE

OF

INTEREST!