Kel sighed. She was so unhppy. *Why did we have to grow up?* she thought. *Why couldn't we just stay young?* She was a fourth-year squire. Everything had changed. Fights were no longer jolly for Owen. He had turned mean, and was no longer part of the study group. He was friends with Vinson and Garvey now.

Neal was always preoccupied, usually brooding about a fight he had had with his father. Kel didn't know what the fight was about, but she did know that it was bad, since Duke Baird had threatened to disown Neal. Neal was now snappish and quick to anger.

Seaver ran away three years before, leaving a note saying that he couldn't stand it anymore.

Merric had given up trying for knighthood two months before. He had just sent her a letter, saying that he had become a Mithran priest in the City of the Gods.

Cleon was depressed. He had been for the last two years, when he had confessed his love to Kel, and she had turned him down.

Roald was too busy getting ready for his up-coming marriage to spend time with Kel anymore.

Esmond had gotten hurt a week ago by a spidren, and might not live.

Faleron...it still hurt to think about him. In his second year as a squire, he had fallen in love with a girl in the Queen's Riders. A month ago, he had learned that his parents had set up an arranged marriage with a girl he hated. He and the rider girl had killed themselves together two weeks before. Kel felt herself crying.

"Kel, what are you crying for?" Neal snapped from the doorway. Kel looked at him. He was scowling at her.

"Neal, look! Look at us! Don't you see what we've become?" She told him wildly. "Owen's changed too much to tell he was ever on our side, Seaver's gone, Merric's a *priest,* for the love of the Goddess, Cleon's depressed, Roald's busy, Esmond's dying, Faleron killed himself, and you, Neal, well...."

"Well, what, Kel?" he asked angrily.

"I--I used to be crazy about you, but now, now I see that I was just that--crazy," she said quiety, turning away from him.

"You're right. You were crazy. Now if you don't mind, I'll leave!" he snapped.

Kel turned back to him. "What happened to you, Neal?" she asked quietly. "What changed? You used to be so nice, so amazing. Now--now you're just--mean."

"I grew up, Kel." he said gruffly, and left.

Kel couldn't take it. She couldn't. She took her belt knife, the one her benefactor gave her on her first night as a page. She took out a piece of parchment, her ink, and a quill. Quickly she wrote a note that said:


I can't stand it anymore. I'm sorry, but I can't. I can't stand growing up. Everything's changed. I can't take it, and I don't want to. I apologize to anyone I hurt, but I don't regret what I'm doing. Tell Neal, and Esmond, if he lives, and Owen, and Roald, and Seaver, if you can find him, and Merric, and Cleon this message: I loved you all. You were the best friends I could ask for--before you changed.



She picked up the dagger. She said, "Goodbye. I'll miss you all," and thrust the knife into her chest....

Author's Note: Sorry. I just had to do something depressing. Originally I was going to make Roald loose his mind, but I decided that would be really mean. So hope you liked.