It's Painful to want what you can't have.

Sam felt as though little weights were attached to her eyes, this day, as she could not bring herself to look straight forward, let alone at anyone around her in specific. As she surveyed the same spot on her jet black dress over and over again, she could have been very pleased with how flattering the dress looked on her, but today, there was not sufficient space in her mind to allow such superfluous, temporal thoughts. Indeed, there was something much more pressing on her mind; a subject that came tantalizingly close to completely blocking out from her perception how attractive everyone looked in their formal attire, how nice the sun felt on her exposed arms this day, and how distracting were the flowers around her, not only by their inexplicably exciting scent, but also by the undeniable aesthetic charm they added to the quaint church to which she, Carly, and the closest of their family and friends had migrated this day. In fact, it was almost as if Mother Nature had made this day perfect to tease Sam herself, to remind her of the reproductive beauty of springtime simply to create a sense of irony.

It's easier to tell you that I wouldn't be

Anywhere than in your arms

Anywhere in the world than at this time

And at this moment.

It is never easy to lose someone that you love at a young age, and Freddie was no exception to this rule; on the contrary, he could have been selected as a candidate for a prime example should anyone any day chose to record any such type of whatever and the more sophisticated Sam tries to make her thoughts sound the more stupid she makes herself feel, and at this point, life is garbage, so Screw poetry. Screw Sam, complete, Screw an unexpected dream, complete… many thing followed to get screwed over in Sam's life, but she stopped feeling the pain as her emotional attachment to certain people in her life, almost even to Carly, became one of those things to get screwed over.

But if you weren't so good at giving me away

Sooner you'd be out that door

Sooner you'd be out that door

Finding your reason

Having come to terms with the fact that life would never be fair to her again, after what had happened so many years ago, there were many times in life where, upon seeing other people get screwed over in life, Sam could almost feel a sort of redemption in life. She scolded herself for feeling this way, questioning an element of sadism inside her, but really, most people can sympathize with her, for surely nobody can deny that misery loves company. It almost completed her to imagine that this feeling known as pain was universal, and that in the grand scheme of things, there may be an organized method to the seeming madness around her; a method which someday she might humbly accept the responsibility of understanding.

And it's not like I'd be missing you.

You've done too many wrongs, many wrongs, wrongs.

But it's not like it's unusual to want with

Too much like.

Many years ago, after a different death but not in the same way, Sam had always titillatedly anticipated how amplified this sadistic feeling of redemption might be should the victim of tragedy be one of those individuals who had been the cause of a tragedy of Sam's; that is to say, should this mad method show any sign of prospicience or even compassion for its victims. But this was not the case with Freddie. In fact, it was the exact opposite; in a different time and place, Sam could have cursed Freddie to every aspect of death and back, and for all she could remember of those times, she probably did, but now that this impulsively assigned punishment was irrevocably real, it seemed far too harsh; without a doubt, no sin that Freddie had committed in his life, not all of them put together, could rationalize this absurd, nightmarish, fatal punishment.

You don't even realize that your love is so jaded.

And every time I try to tell myself I'm wrong

You come with hits and misses

Of other days and other ways where we shone,

Where we knew how to shine.

Indeed, no matter how she had felt that she had been wronged by Freddie by the decision that felt like it was made for her, she could not deny that she and Freddie were still friends; that even if they were not in love, they still had love for each other. At the time, the screaming and shouting had been intense and hurtful, rivaling anything either of them had ever experienced in their lives. And although she couldn't have realized it consciously at the time or for many months to come, somewhere in her mind, perhaps beyond her preconscious all the way into her subconscious, Sam knew that someday, somehow, she and Freddie would make up as friends, for their love for each other could never die. Things between them never did exactly return to normal exactly the way they had been before, but through the subsequent challenges life handed them, Sam and Freddie worked together to create their own normal as best as they could, and in the end, Sam's biggest regret ended up being that she did not attempt to initiate the friendship recovery process earlier.

And it's not like I'd be missing you.

You've done too many wrongs, many wrongs, wrongs.

But it's not like it's unusual to want with

Too much like.

As gory and unhealthy as it may sound, Sam had pondered how this day might be long before it happened, although she never imagined it would happen this early in his life, and was heavily surprised by the event taking place as it did. Indeed, Sam's unforgettably audacious simpleton persona deceived her; for when nobody was around, she was often the type to ponder the philosophical aspects of death, as gruesome as it may be. She had been that way even as a child, but she never realized it until early adulthood, where one mistake had led her down a whirlwind of life changing events, none of which culminated in Sam being able to take any sort of pride in recognition of these sessions of pondering which could have resulted in a truly soul-searched decision. No, instead, her opinions and beliefs were pressured away and swept under the rug, much like the beautiful, intelligent, magnetic child that she could have had with Freddie.

But it's not like I'd be missing you.

Done too many wrongs, many wrongs, wrongs.

But it's not like it's unusual to want with

Too much like.

Tears did not fall from Sam's finally raised eyes as she watched Freddie's coffin get lifted into the back of the hearse, in preparation to be taken to the graveyard. A weight dropped in Sam's throat at the thoughtt of the particular vocabulary word, as for some reason, that one made everything seem so real in a way that none of the others had done before it. It was sad to see Freddie go, and for sure, Sam had done her fair share of crying regarding the issue. But Sam had learned, from the abortion she never wanted, to accept this death much quicker than the rest of her friends, because she drew a certain paralell between the two deaths. They were both sad, and tragic, and both of them would have certain moments engraved in Sams's memory in fine line, while all the other memories were simply blurs. Both of them involved Sam losing someone that she was in love with, but was not in love with her. Both of them were completely unexpected and exactly the opposite of how Sam would have planned it. But most prominently, both of them required Sam to come to terms with losing the one thing she wanted most in life.