Catherine couldn't sleep. Mary was leaving for Scotland the next day and she thought maybe if she never went to sleep...tomorrow would never come. She knew it was crazy, but she couldn't help it. The thought of her leaving scared the hell out of her. She'd known since the moment Francis told her he was dying that Mary would be leaving her soon, but it never felt real to her until now. Just like Francis' death really hadn't felt real until that first morning without him. It was the strangest thing. She couldn't really pinpoint when it had happened, but somehow, she'd become very attached to her. In away she hadn't predicted. Of course they were close when she was a girl, she'd loved her, she never really stopped to be honest, but this was different. it wasn't just love for the child she'd raised, it was the love for her friend, her family. She'd become almost closer than family as of late, something Catherine never thought possible, especially for someone whom she thought, for at least a little while, that she could never forgive. No one in her whole life had ever fought as hard for her as Mary had, even after all she'd done to her. After all they had done to each other. Somehow she knew, she understood. Mary always understood, even when she didn't agree, she could see the reason behind it. The one thing her own children could never do.
Mary couldn't sleep either. She would have to leave the only home she'd ever really known, the only people she had ever really thought of as family, she'd have to leave Catherine. They shared something strange the two of them. A bond of sorts that was hard to explain, but was easily understood by both. She had cared for her as a child in ways her own mother never had. She'd also shown more sympathy toward her the times when she needed a mother the most. Times when Marie de Guise had turned a cold shoulder to emotion. She'd always felt safe when Catherine was near, which was an odd thing to say about a woman who'd once tried to kill her. But now Mary was terrified. She wasn't quite sure what she would do without Catherine. How was she supposed to function through a day without her scheming and sarcastic remarks? How would she get through the hard times without knowing that Catherine had her back when things got rough? Because she always had. Catherine was a force of nature when she was on opposite sides of her, but even then, she'd never let another person hurt her. She'd always protected her from the world, even when she wasn't protected from her. She had been the only thing to keep her going since Francis had died. Suddenly she felt like a six year old girl all over again, waiting for her mother to leave her in a strange place.
Catherine laid on her side, eyes shut, trying to hard to sleep, when she heard the door creak open. She sat up just a little to see Mary standing there. They looked at each other and they understood, just as always. Catherine lifted the blanket and Mary climbed in with her. She put her head on Catherine's shoulder.
"Catherine I'm..." she began.
"I know." she said simply as she placed her head on top of Mary's and hugged her.
The next day, much of the court gathered in the throne room to say their goodbyes to Mary. Mary had tried to say goodbye to Catherine earlier, in private, but she wouldn't let her. Catherine stood off to the side and watched her tearful farewell to her cast off lady in waiting Greer and few others. Mary had said goodbye to everyone except Catherine now. Mary turned to her and went to speak, but Catherine turned away, pretending she hadn't noticed and clinked a glass to get the rooms attention.
"We say goodbye to Queen Mary today. She was not our Queen for very long, but that did not diminish the impact she had on all of us. She and my son, your late King, did all they could to rule with love and honesty. Somethings many rulers tend to forget exist. Somethings, that because of her example, I will do my best to continue on. You may be hundreds of miles away Mary, but your prescience will always be felt here in French court. Here's to Queen Mary. May you see a safe return." she said lifting her glass. She gave a sad look to Mary and Mary gave one back. They understood.
"It's time to go." Bash said as he came up next to Mary. She nodded and walked toward Catherine.
"Catherine I have to..." she began. Catherine ignored her and turned to Charles, who had been standing near her.
"Charles, I believe Mary has to be going. I will see her off to her boat." She said. Charles nodded.
"Catherine, can we just..." Mary began.
"Come, my dear, you don't want to keep them all waiting for you." Catherine interrupted her again. Mary sighed and followed after her. She understood.
The ride in the carriage was nearly silent. Every time Mary started to say goodbye, Catherine would change the subject. So she just gave up. As they got closer to the warf, Mary thought she saw a few tears fall from Catherine's eyes for a fleeting moment and then they were gone. Mary squeezed her hand. Catherine squeezed it back. They understood.
When they finally arrived at the boat, they sat there for a moment as the servants unloaded Mary's belongings. They stared at each other wanting to speak but not knowing what to say.
"We should probably get out of the carriage at some point." Mary said. Catherine nodded and opened the door. When they stepped out, Bash was standing there, directing the servants.
"It should only be a few minutes." He told her and walked off to see their things onto the boat. Catherine took a deep breath.
"Mary I..." she started.
"You don't have to Catherine." Mary said. "I understand." For once, Catherine didn't think she did understand.
"No. I do." She paused a moment to gather the right words. "I've never been good at this sort of thing."
"I've never been good at goodbyes either."
"No. Don't say that. This isn't goodbye. We'll write, we'll visit...This isn't goodbye." she explained, taking Mary's hands.
"I've never been on my own before. There's always been someone else telling me what to do. With all the freedom that provides, it's also awfully terrifying."
"I've told you before, you are strong. You can do this."
"If I'm strong, it's only because of you. Without you pushing me and...teaching me..."
"No one can give you anything that you don't already have inside you Mary." She said putting a hand on each side of her face. Tears started to form in both of their eyes.
"France was my home for most of my life."
"And it still is. As long as I live and breath, this is your home. No matter how long you're gone, you'll always have a place here. You're still my family. Whenever you feel alone, just remember that."
"I will miss you Catherine. I think I'll even miss you trying to kill me."
"Mary, I never wanted to hurt you, not ever. I hated having to..."
"I know. I know." She assured. Then Catherine hugged her and Mary responded by holding on for dear life. Tears fully streaming now. "I have no one to hold onto when I let go this time." She kissed Mary's head, then put her forehead on hers.
"You are capable of great things Mary. I believe in you." She pulled back, but didn't let go.
"I'm never going to see you again am I?" Catherine looked at her sadly. She didn't know how to answer that.
"Everything is loaded onto the boat." Bash said, interrupting them, and started to walk away again.
"You. Wait." Catherine said. "Come back here." Bash did as she asked. "You had better not come back until you are sure Mary is safe and secure in Scotland. I'm trusting you with her safety. Don't disappoint me."
"Of course." He said, bowing just slightly.
"Good. Then I hope to see your safe return." She said. He half smiled at her and turned to go.
"I don't know what the future holds for me, but today, I don't know how to get on that boat." She kissed Mary's cheek and then wiped it away.
"Just keep your eyes on me." Mary squeezed her hand and turned to board the ship. She got on and went straight to the stern, looking out at Catherine as they pulled up the anchor. The boat started pulling away and Mary started crying even harder, but she never took her eyes off of Catherine.
After a few moments, it was becoming harder to see the boat, but Catherine wasn't ready to let it go just yet. She rushed to a small ledge that hung over the water and looked out, wind blowing her hair back. She could still clearly see Mary's face from there. She choked on her tears a little then. They looked out at each other...and they understood...and then it was only blur.
