Title: NOW OR NEVER
Author: Brokeback Mountain
Rating: FRAO NC-17
Warning: Sexually explicit M/M
Disclaimer: These characters belong to Annie Proulx; not to me.
Summary: Jack insists that Ennis make a decision. He makes the right one.
NOW OR NEVER
Jack stood by the lake, looking out over its dark beauty, still and
supple in the night; watched over by the towering mountains behind
and circled like the loving arms of a momma by the endless pine
trees. A beautiful sight for sure; a beautiful place for them to
spend their last night before returning to their hum-drum lives and
leaving paradise behind.
He fingered his moustache and made his decision. He had worried
about it for so long, contemplated all the ins and outs, had his
reasoning all planned but the doing of a thing was a lot more
difficult than the planning of it.
"You plan on spendin the night out here or you comin inside for a
little warmin up?" Ennis said wrapping his arms around Jack from
behind. He rested his chin on Jack's shoulder. "Got somethin on
your mind? Or just thinkin 'bout leavin tomorrow?"
"Both." Jack answered leaning back against the warm embrace. He
squeezed the arm that crossed his chest and caressed the rough hand,
interlacing their fingers. "Do you have any idea what you mean to
me, Ennis.?" It was a question that he didn't expect an answer to.
The kind of question you ask the night sky.
Ennis was silent; feelings swelled inside him cutting off his words.
Jack turned in his arms and they stood there in the moonlight, gazing
into each others eyes, each trying to will the other to know his
feelings. Arms around each other's back, they walked into the tent
and sat down on the opened out sleeping bags. The lantern in the
corner lit the place with a yellow glow.
They sat in silence for a few minutes while Jack fumbled for the
words to start.
"You got somethin needs sayin, best get it out." Ennis said softly.
"I love you." Jack said, eyes down and fiddling with the zipper on
the sleeping bag.
"Uh huh." Ennis said, like it was no surprise to him.
"That all you got to say?" Jack's eyes snapped up to pin Ennis' for
an answer.
"We never talk 'bout such things, but I guess it's always been
there." Ennis answered.
"Well I wanna talk 'bout it!" Jack said angrily.
"OK. So talk." Ennis was confused by the tone of Jack's voice.
"All these years I been after you, I never explained how we could do
it." All the things he wanted to say all the speeches he had
rehearsed, deserted him now and he struggled for words.
"Jack, you know how I feel..." That was all he got out before Jack
stopped him.
"Ennis, just hear me out. Let me say what needs sayin, before you
shoot me down." Jack reached a hand over to Ennis' knee.
Ennis dug in his pocket for a cigarette and lit it. He didn't want
this conversation. It was bad enough that this was their last night
together for this trip; he didn't want to spend it talking.
"Will you listen?" Jack asked.
"I'm here ain't I. Though I can think of other things we could be
doin 'sides talkin."
Jack took a deep breath and began. "You ever been up to Lightning
Flat?" he asked.
"Nope."
"It ain't half bad. The folks got 350 acres up there. 'course the
place is all gone to ruin 'cause the old man don't know shit 'bout
ranchin. Place come to him from my momma's folks. Been in her
family for generations. It'll come to me one of these days. The old
man's pushin 70 now, so it won't be all that long and the place will
be mine."
He watched Ennis as he spoke but Ennis kept his eyes down. He was
listening though, so Jack went on.
"I been makin good money in Childress. That farm equipment I been
sellin ain't cheap and I get a commission on everythin I sell. End
of the year they give a big cash bonus to whoever sells the most. I
been gettin that for the last 7 years. We been livin in a house
Lureen's Grandma left her, along with a nice pile of money so I
haven't needed to spend much of my cash at all. Been stashin it all
away. Got me a sizeable stake now. More money than I ever dreamed
I'd have and I've earned it all."
He stopped for a breath.
"Good for you." Ennis said, not looking up; wishing this
conversation would hurry up and get over with.
"Big old house on the place. 12 rooms. 6 up and 6 down. The folks
just live downstairs. Upstairs is empty." He watched Ennis becoming
more and more edgy in his silence.
"I've made my decision, Ennis. I'm divorcing Lureen and movin up
there. I'd like you to come with me."
Ennis pinned him with a squinty expression. "You know I can't do
that." he said through gritted teeth.
"I ain't finished yet, Ennis. Just listen till I'm done." He
reached over and took a cigarette from Ennis's pack and lit it.
"As far as the world is concerned, I'll just be a son moved home to
help the old man work the ranch. I plan on runnin three times the
stock the old man has on the place right now and I can't do that
alone. I need someone to help with all the repairs, and restockin,
plantin all the stuff that goes into a place that size, to get it up
and runnin like it should. We could haul your trailer up there and
your horses. As far as anyone is concerned, you would just be a
friend of mine, come up to help work the place." He reached over and
caught Ennis' head in both hands and brought them together for a long
sweet kiss.
"We can do this, Ennis. Nobody'd be any the wiser."
Ennis stood up and walked outside, to where their campfire had died
down to just a few embers. He placed a few more branches over the
coals and poked the fire back to life and sat down on the log. Jack
followed him out and sat down beside him. They sat and watched the
fire take hold; Ennis poking it now and then.
"I told you once, a long time ago, what we do ain't nobody's business
but ours. Nobody's! We can live in the house upstairs if you
wanted or in your trailer; or I could stay in the house and you in
your trailer and we could get together whenever you wanted. Nobody
would ever know." He reached over and took Ennis' hand in his and
gripped it tight. "Think of it, Ennis. You and me together
everyday, workin the ranch together, bein together whenever the mood
strikes us. It'd be a sweet life."
"And what 'bout my girls?" Ennis asked, staring into the fire but
still holding Jack's hand.
"Ennis, you can visit them whenever you want. Have them come up to
the ranch, or you go down to visit them. Junior is already livin in
Cheyenne and you said Jenny's been talkin 'bout goin to live with
your sister in Casper once she graduates so she can go to nursin
school. There's nothin holdin you in Riverton any more. Nothin."
"Still got 4 months child support to pay."
"Ennis, stop usin the girls for an excuse. You know you probably got
that much in the bank. You was tellin me 'bout the extra jobs you
been takin 'round town. 'sides which, I could easy pay you that
much -- wouldn't be a loan, just payment for helpin me get the place
in shape; helpin me get started up and all."
"What if people find out? We'd be dead, Jack."
"Christ, Ennis. You still on about somethin that happened 30 years
ago? I know that scared you somethin awful but long as we pay
attention and mind our business when we're in town, I don't see that
as a problem. All's anyone can say 'bout us is we're two divorced
men with kids, workin a ranch that's been in the family for
generations. That shouldn't raise any suspicions in the nosiest of
people. We can get us a couple of watch dogs to warn us if anyone
tries to come for us during the night." He held his breath. It
seemed like Ennis was actually considering it; at least he was
listening.
"I can't live like we been doin, any more, Ennis. It guts me every
time we have to part. I need to be with you and the needin gets
worse all the time. I'm drinkin too much; tryin to kill the need and
all I'm doin is killin myself. I seen your face each time we part
and I know it's killin you too; you can't deny it. Why don't we at
least try it? Shit, Ennis. What have we got to lose?"
"Coud be our lives." Ennis brooded.
"Yeah, but our lives are slippin away from us right now, year by
year, one visit to the next. We need to be together. It's a risk
I'm willin to take. If you loved me, you'd be willin to take the
risk too." He stared at the side of Ennis's face in the firelight;
all golden and deep in thought.
"Now don't go doubtin my feelins for you. You know better than
that. It's just..."
"Just what? Either you want to be with me or you don't. I'm tellin
you right now, Ennis. I ain't living the rest of my life alone. I
need someone and I want that someone to be you. If that ain't what
you want, then tell me now and I'll get myself on out of here and you
can get back to livin your life in fear. I ain't cowering down for
nobody. If they wanna take me out, then let them try. I won't go
down easy." He paused for a breath. "I need an answer, Ennis and I
need it now."
"And if I ain't got no answer right now?" Ennis challenged.
"It's now or never, Ennis. I ain't waitin 'round another 20 years,
hopin you might decide to give me a little bit more of your time.
We either do this thing together, or I'll do it without you. Find me
someone else. Someone who thinks livin with me is worth the risk."
"Don't remember you bein this damned bossy!" Ennis said; giving Jack
a sideways glance.
"Maybe I shoulda been a long time ago." His eyes desperately
searching out Ennis', trying to read his thoughts.
Ennis only giving up quick glances at Jack, then looking away.
"When you figure all this livin together to take place. I got a job,
you know."
"A job workin for a man you hate, you told me so yourself. You could
call him in the morning; tell him you got a better offer."
"A better offer?" Ennis snickered, looking from Jack to the fire and
back again.
"Yeah. That's all you need to say. You wouldn't be the first ranch
hand to just up and move on, and this wouldn't be the first job you
just up and quit." Jack encouraged.
"And if my answer is 'no'? Ennis asked, testing the waters.
"Then you'll break my heart but I'll get in my truck and drive on up
to Lightning Flat and tell the folks I'm movin in. I'll go on back
to Texas and get things settled there and start my life over --
without you in it."
Ennis turned to look at him, square in the face.
"I mean it, Ennis. There won't be no more of our 'fishin trips', no
more waitin for somethin that ain't never gonna happen. I'll be
gettin on with my life."
"With someone else?"
"That's right. I ain't spending my life pacin the floor every night
in need. I'll find me someone who needs me as much as I need him."
"Sounds like you already got someone in mind. Someone back in
Childress?" Ennis look was menacing and filled with bitterness.
"I ani't lyin to you Ennis. An offer's been made. So far, I've
turned it down. He's a nice guy though. Want's to get out of the
city. He was brought up on a ranch and he's lookin for a place.
Wants me to go in on it with him. He ain't what I want. I want you;
but if I can't have you, well then, like I said. I ain't spending
the rest of my life alone."
Ennis pulled his hand free and turned back to the fire; poking it
viciously. "You been sleepin with this guy?"
"No, I ain't. But I have considered it. He's there, he wants me,
and it's gettin harder and harder turning him down. He ain't the
point here, Ennis. You and me are. It's all up to you. Either we
do this thing right, or we give it up and stop torturing each
other." Jack took a deep breath and said the last line he remembered
practicing. "Think about this, Ennis. About what it would be like
never seein me again. Never bein with me again. Is that what you
want? Think about it good and when you make your decision, let me
know. I'll be waitin. I want that answer tonight." He got up and
went back into the tent and laid down; exhausted.
He was startled awake by warm lips pressing against his. Ennis was
kneeling over him, clothes in a pile in the corner.
"You got too many clothes on." Ennis complained and tugged at Jack's
belt. He undid the buckle and unsnapped the snap, the zipper came
down easily and the jeans landed in the corner. The shirt came
unsnapped with a pop, pop, pop, pop and it joined the other clothes
in the pile.
"Is this a yes or a no or a maybe or a go-to-hell fuck?" Jack asked
as his underwear was whisked off and tossed.
"This is a I'm-scared-to-death-but-I-can't-live-without-you and you-can-tell
-that-fuckin-Texan-to-find-someone-else-YOU'RE TAKEN, fuck."
Another few minutes his legs were up on Ennis' shoulders and he was
being entered. Slowly. Ennis hovered over him, staring down at
him. "You're mine, Jack fuckin Twist. Nobody's gonna be livin with
you but me! You got that?" Stroke, stroke, stroke.
"If you say so. Oohhhhh." Stroke, stroke, stroke.
"I say so." Stroke, stroke, stroke. He took Jack's mouth then,
devouring him and quickening his pace.
In seconds Jack was clawing at Ennis' back and hips, trying to get
closer, deeper. A low-pitched wail started deep within him and his
movements became frantic. Ennis closed a warm hand around Jack's
cock and worked it. In seconds Jack screamed and spilled out over
Ennis' hand and chest. Ennis held off until Jack was finished and
let himself go, claiming what belonged to him.
"Mine...Mine.." he growled, then collapsed on top of Jack.
Ennis reached for the canteen and rinsed himself off, wetting a rag
and returning to Jack, still spread-eagle on the sleeping bag.
He moved the rag slowly over Jack' chest and between his legs, wiping
him clean. Jack lay there still, staring at him.
"Whut?" Ennis asked.
"You mean it? You gonna move to Lightning Flat with me?" He leaned
up on both elbows.
"I ain't jokin. This scares me shitless, Jack."
"I know it does. But hell, Ennis. It's our life. Shouldn't we be
able to live it the way we want to?"
"Yeah, I guess we should but.."
"No buts. I ain't gonna go on pretendin I'm somethin I'm not. I'm
heading to the folks place tomorrow. I want you with me. I been
tellin them for years that I was gonna bring you up there and we'd
help Pa lick that place back into shape."
"What??? You told them about me? You and me?"
Jack sat up then, reached for Ennis' hands, and held them both in
his.
"They know about me. Always have. Ain't never pretended different
with them. Always thought maybe that was one of the reasons Pa hated
me so."
"Jack...I don't know 'bout this..." Panic was beginning to set in.
"Well I do. The ranch is all but mine right now. I'm movin in and
takin it over. The old man don't like it, he can take a walk."
"Who else knows? Who else you told?"
"Ain't told no one."
"They probably did."
"Don't think so. Pa's so shamed by the fact he's got a faggot for a
son; can't see as he'd be tellin no one 'bout it. And Momma's too
smart to let anythin slip. She's a sweet little lady but she's got a
head on her shoulders and she knows how to use it."
Ennis lit a cigarette and Jack could see his hands shaking. He lit
one too and took a few drags before speaking again.
"You ain't backin out on me now, are you?"
"Maybe we should think 'bout this a little more."
"We been thinkin 'bout it for almost 20 years now. The sex was
great, as usual, and I feel real good right now but I ain't changin
my mind, Ennis. I meant every word I said."
Ennis was in a nervous state; puffing on his cigarette; head
swiveling around the tent, searching for an argument.
"I love you Ennis. And I think you love me. We can make this work;
take care of ourselves and each other; protect ourselves"
"You really think folks in Lightning Flat are any different than they
is everywhere else?"
"What happened, didn't happen everywhere else. It happened in Sage.
30 years ago. Ennis, people kill people all the time; ain't no
reason for the rest of us to live our lives in fear; just a reason
for us to be smarter 'bout things. Stay out of places where trouble
might be waitin."
"Don't know 'bout that."
"Either one of us could get killed at any time. You workin on them
ranches ain't the safest job; or me drivin those long drives back and
forth all the time. I just about got run off the road this last trip
up by an 18-wheeler. Think the driver dozed off or somethin. He
came across the center lane like he was aimin right for me. I had to
blare on the horn and pull all the way over onto the shoulder to
miss him."
Ennis stared at him, rigid with fear.
"I ain't tellin you this to scare you, Ennis. I'm just sayin, there
ain't no guarantees in life. Everythin's a risk. Some risks are
worth takin. You and me together; that's worth any risk as far as
I'm concerned. If you really loved me; you'd be willin to take that
risk with me."
"I told you not to doubt that." Ennis stubbed out his cigarette.
"Guess it'd kill you dead to say it."
"You know I ain't good at talkin 'bout such things."
"I ain't your school teacher, Friend. I ain't gonna grade you on
it. I would like to hear it though."
"You know it's true. Wouldn't be here if it wasn't." Ennis pushed
him back down on the sleeping bag and spooned up behind him. He
reached down and brought the other sleeping bag over them for cover
and nestled in.
"Guess we're through talkin for tonight?" Jack asked snuggling back
against him.
"We can talk more in the mornin." Ennis whispered against the side
of Jack's neck.
"'bout this subject?"
"Uh huh."
"OK. Night. I love you. Think about that, will you?"
"Uh huh. Night."
Jack awoke the next morning in a panic. The space beside him was
empty. He jumped, and practically threw himself out of the tent;
pulling his jeans on as he went. His heart settled back down when he
saw Ennis sitting by the fire, poking it gently.
He stepped back inside the tent and grabbed his boots and shirt. Was
still snapping everything up as he sat down beside Ennis.
"You been up long?"
"Hour or so."
"Been thinkin?"
"Uh huh."
"Made any decisions?"
"Made 'em last night. If I gotta choose between havin you all the
time or not havin you at all; then it's all the time. Just don't
expect me to be all that comfortable with it just yet."
"OK. I can live with that. It'll work. You'll see. If you find
out you don't like havin me 'round all the time, you can always go
back to workin odd jobs 'round Riverton again." He reached for the
coffee pot and poured some of the steaming liquid into an enamel cup
and sipped it.
"Thought you hated your Pa. Now you wanna take me and the two of us
go live with him?" Ennis asked.
"The old man's got a mouth on him like a razor strap. He can cut you
to ribbons with his words; but Momma, she's a real sweetheart and
you'll love her. She'll be so happy, havin her only child back
home. She's a great cook and a good woman, Ennis. It'll be like
havin a Momma again for you."
"Don't know 'bout that." Ennis brooded.
"I always called the place Heaven and Hell. Pa always givin me hell
and Momma, sweeter than any angel, lookin after me."
"You think the old man's just gonna step aside and let you take over?"
"I ain't askin him. I'm just doin it."
"Should be interestin."
"It will be. C'mon. Let's get started. We can stop for breakfast
at that truck stop where we usually gas up. We can make it to
Riverton by noon, have lunch there; hook up your trailer to my truck
and head on out; make it to Lightning Flat by dark."
Ennis dumped water on the fire and loaded up the horses while Jack
took down the tent and stowed it in the back of his truck.
It was a long drive for both of them. Each in their own trucks,
accompanied with their thoughts. Jack, terrified that Ennis would
change his mind and not go any further than Riverton; and Ennis,
terrified at the very thought of change and this change in
particular. He had to do it though. He couldn't lose Jack.
Couldn't send him away again. Couldn't let him go back to that Texan
who was sniffing after him.
It was not quite dark yet, when they pulled up in the Twist ranch
driveway. They climbed out of their trucks; Ennis coming around next
to Jack's. The old man came out the door and stood there glaring at
them; hands on hips.
Ennis saw the look in Jack's eye, a mixture of fear and determination.
"Jack?"
"Yeah?"
"I love you."
The End
