Apple: Hello, I was, well, talking with a friend on day, and we sorta made connections with characters in Fire Emblem and the characters in Red vs. Blue. For those of you who don't know, which is probably everyone here in the Fire Emblem Section, Red vs Blue is a funny web series that is based on a map in multiplayer Halo. Basically two teams try to battle it out for dominance, and funny antics ensue. It's quite interesting. You can see it at Well, I decided to parody it using Fire Emblem Characters and weapons. It may seem a little confusing at first, but bear with me. Oh and just as a note, the "longbow" in the beginning is supposed to be a "sniper rifle" in the series, but longbow works better in a FE setting. Oh and another thing, the map is called "Blood Gulch"…it's basically a barren boxed canyon. The two teams are the red team, and the blue team. They basically wear armor that's a close hue to their team color.
Why Are We Here?
It was a beautiful day in Blood Gulch. Two figure stand atop red base, one wearing maroon armor, the other; orange, looking out at the barren wasteland, staring at the hated blue base across from them. Naturally, guard duty isn't the most interesting job around, so the two began to have a light conversation.
"Hey Sain," The maroon one, named Kent, began. "Do you ever wonder why we're here?"
His orange clad friend, Sain, looked back and replied in a very introspective voice, "Yeah, it's one of life's great mysteries isn't it? Why are we here? I mean, aside from the girls, are we men just a product of some, godly coincidence? Or does St. Elimine's ghost still live on, watching our every step with a plan for us or somethin'? I don't know man, but it keeps me up at night."
A very awkward silence ensued as Kent stared at Sain with a strange look, though his orange friend could not see it very well with his helmet on.
"What!" He finally asked after nearly five seconds. "I meant why are we out here, in this canyon!"
"Oh!" Sain exclaimed. "I…uh…yeah…" He finished lamely.
"And what was that stuff about Elimine?" Kent continued.
"Umm…hmm? Nothing."
"You want to talk about it?"
"No…"
"You sure."
"Yeah."
After making sure that the subject was indeed dead, Kent continued with his original question.
"Seriously though, why ARE we out here? As far as I can tell, it's just a boxed canyon, in the middle of the Nabata Desert with no way in or out. The only reason we have red base there, is because they have a blue base there, and the only reason they have a blue base there, is because we have a red base here." Kent reasoned.
"Yeah," Sain stated. "That's because we're fighting each other."
"No really." Kent continued. "Even if we were to pull out today, and they were to come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a boxed canyon. What would they freaking do?"
"Yeah, what's up with that anyways?" Sain added. "I mean, I signed up to fight some dragons, the next thing you know, Lord Hector wipes out the entire race and I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere, fighting a bunch of guys dressed in blue…"
Meanwhile, two blue men were stand on a ledge overlooking the red base. One of the men, a light blue clad man with long purple hair held a longbow and spied on the enemy base.
His brown haired friend, clad in turquoise, stood behind him and looked anxiously over his shoulders.
"Hey Erk." The turquoise man, named Wil, pestered. "What are they doing now?"
"What?" Erk said impatiently turning around.
"I said, what are they doing?" Wil asked again innocently.
Erk sighed. "Dear St. Elimine I am so damn sick of answering that question!"
"Hey, you have the freaking longbow and I can't see crap. Don't start yelling at me because I'm not going to sit up here and play with your hair all day."
"Okay…first of all, I'll pretend not to hear that." Erk replied. "Second of all, they're just TALKING. They're just standing there and talking. That's all they EVER do. That's what they were doing last week and that's what they were doing five minutes ago when you asked me that question. So five minutes from now, when you ask me that question again, they will STILL just be standing there, and they will still just be talking."
"Oh…" Wil said, and he remained quiet for a few seconds before he got bored again. "So, what are they talking about?"
Erk looked at his teammate with disgust. "You know what?" He said. "I really hate you."
Back at the red base, the two red soldiers were still discussing the question as to why they were there fighting in a boxed canyon.
"Talk about a waste of resources." Sain was saying. "I mean, we should be out there, finding newer and more intelligent life forms and like, fight them."
"Yeah, no shit." Kent replied. "That's why they should put us in charge."
Just then, the sergeant in command of the red base called from downstairs.
"Hey!" He yelled. "Front and center on the double!"
"Damn…" Sain muttered under his breath while Kent the kiss up shouted a hearty "Yes Sir!" back towards the Sarge, also known as Wallace.
"Hurry it up ladies!" Wallace bellowed as Kent and Sain scurried up to him. "This ain't no ice cream social!"
"Ice cream social?" Kent said bewildered.
"Okay," Wallace said once his men were in front of him. "Anybody here, want to guess why I gathered you here today?"
"Umm…" Sain guessed. "Is it because the war is over and you're sending us home?"
Wallace looked at Sain and sneered in a very scarcastic tone, "That's right Sain, the war's over, we've won. Turns out youse a big hero, and we're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to ride the Pegasus, and Simmons here will be IN CHARGE OF THEM COLORED GEMS!"
"I'm no stranger to sarcasm sir." Sain replied calmly, being so used to his sergeant yelling at him.
"DEAR ST. ELIMINE PRIVATE!" Wallace bellowed in frustration. "Shut yer mouth before I have Kent here slit your throat in your sleep!"
Kent looked at Sain and grinned. "Oh, and I'd do it too!"
"I know you would Kent, good man." Wallace said to Kent with a fatherly pride. He then addressed both men as a unit once again. "Couple of things ladies, command has seen fit to increase our ranks here at Blood Gulch Outpost number one."
Sain knew what that meant.
"Crap…" He groaned. "We're getting a lousy squire."
"That's right dead man." Wallace replied to Sain's groaning. "Our new lackey will be here within the week. But today, we received the first part of our shipment from command. Raven, bring out the package!"
At his words, a silent, red haired man with menacing golden eyes rode out on a beautiful horse. He reined in the horse in front of the two speechless privates as they stood there talking random gibberish at the sight of the horse.
"May I introduce our new light reconnaissance horse. It has soft brownish hair, three inch hard hoofs, country club trained jumping balance, leather quiver and arrow holder, AND… total seating for three." Wallace proudly boasted. "Gentlemen! This is the Purebred Arabian AraAppalossa! I like to call it, the Horse."
"Umm…" Kent said after looking at it for a bit. "Why Horse sir?"
"Because son, Purebred Arabian AraAppalossa is just too long to say in normal conversation." Wallace replied.
"No, but why Horse? It doesn't look like one." Sain commented.
"Say that again?" Wallace turned towards Sain.
"No really." Sain said. "I think it looks more like a pony."
Wallace stared at Sain. "…What in Elibe is a pony?"
"You mean like the mailing service?" Kent asked.
"You know…" Sain explained. "It's like a horse, only smaller, and cutesier, because seriously, how the hell is THAT thing going to carry three people?"
Wallace looked menacingly at the private. "You're making that up."
"No!" Sain pleaded. "I'm telling you it's a real animal!"
"Kent!" Wallace ordered. "I want you to poison Sain's next meal."
"Yes Sir!" Kent agreed enthusiastically.
Wallace than turned to the horse and pointed out its feet. "Look, see these hoofs? Now what kind of animal has hoofs?"
"Umm," Sain pondered. "A cow."
Wallace looked at the private incredulously. "Didn't I tell you not to make up animals!"
Over at the cliff, Erk continues to spy on the reds as they argued over the name of their new AraAppalossa.
"What is that thing?" Wil asked as he saw the huge creature standing next to the reds.
"I dunno," Erk said. "Looks like they got some kind of horse down there. We better get back to base and report it."
"A horse!" Wil exclaimed. "How come they get a horse?"
"What are you complaining about!" Erk asked. "We're about to get a freaking PEGASUS in the next drop."
"Man, you can't pick up anybody in a Pegasus, it's too girly." Wil complained.
"Oh you can bitch about ANYTHING can't you?" Erk said exasperated. "We're about to get a Pegasus, and you're worried about picking up girls. What girl is going to go for a wimpy hero worshipper like you anyways! And besides, how the hell are you supposed to pick up anybody in a horse that looks like that!"
After recovering from the blow to his ego, Wil piped up again. "What does it look like?"
"I dunno," Erk said. "Kinda like a small cutesy little horse."
"You mean a pony?"
"Yeah, there you go."
Meanwhile, the Wallace was finally putting his foot down back at Red base.
"Okay, so unless anybody has any more mythical creatures to suggest for the name, we're going to stick with, the Horse. How about it Sain?" Wallace asked turning towards the orange private.
"No sir, no more suggestions." Sain sighed.
"Are you sure?" Wallace teased. "How about Wyvern?"
"That's okay." Sain said.
"Unicorn?"
"No really, I'm cool."
"Pheonix?" Kent added, joining in the fun.
"Hey man." Sain complained to his partner. "He doesn't need any help."
"Dragon!" Wallace continued.
"Oh Elimine…" Sain sighed.
"Hey Kent! What was the name of those short little critters? You know? Pointy ears, half dragon?"
"That would be a Mamkute sir." Kent replied dutifully
"Yeah, how about it Sain? Mama-thingy. I like it. It has a nice ring to it."
Sain groaned and decided to just turn from the two snickering morons and walk away.
Apple: Yeah, that was Episode one and two of Red vs Blue with…a few creative liberties.. I just wanted to get this up to see how it goes. In the future, I'll actually combine more shorter episodes. Oh and if you're wondering, each episode is only a few minutes long. Well, please review and tell me what you think.
Oh and how many of you got the "Mail service" joke? Because you know, pony express? Mailing service? Bah, I'm probably just too old.
Oh and does anyone know how to fix those apostrophes and the three dot thingys? Quickedit seems to mess em up.
And I will shut up now.
