A.N. Inspired by the few simple questions. Who is the 4th Seat of the 11th Division? Who cleans the 11th , as Unohana would never let the 4th Division near them for their safety. Who does the paperwork? It is widely accepted that it is not done, but it has to be at some point. Why is a building filled with the mental equivalent of testosterone-fueled shaved gorillas spotless? Why am I rambling on about pointless questions? On with the story.
It was a normal day in the 11th. The sun shone, the birds chirped, Yumichika creeped everyone out, and everyone was fighting in a bloody brawl to the death. So yeah, a normal day.
Once the division was too self-injured to continue fighting (around noon, if they kept to the norm), the officers began their daily duties. This included a tour to familiarize new members to their division, and Kenpachi attending the Captain's Meeting. This was all. The 11th wasn't exactly famous for their chore-work. That would be the 4th.
As Zaraki Kenpachi, who will only be fully named here, made his way to the Captain's Meeting, he was in no hurry. Sure, he was running, but only because he had realized neither he nor Yachiru had anything resembling a sense of direction. One time he had walked, and accidentally postponed the meeting for two days. He had been ordered to run since then by unanimous vote. This way it would only be postponed for a few hours.
In truth, no one actually cared that he was late, as he missed nothing important. They cared because of a long-standing tradition to stand at attention until everyone had arrived. You try standing for two days straight and see how that works out. Once everyone was there, though, the Captains could relax and the games could begin. Literally.
Wait, you thought that they had important duties to attend to? Oh, that is just cute. True, they did discuss strategies, Hollows, and other official business over cards, but honestly, when you meet every week in an afterlife, not much changes. This led to several very boring meetings until someone had the idea to bring cards. Since then, the Captains rotate over what games to play when there was nothing to discuss. This week was trivia.
"Now that Kenpachi has arrived, we may begin the meeting." Head-Captain Yamamoto began. "Does anyone have any personal news they would like to discuss?"
"I would like to commend Kenpachi for setting a new self-record for fastest arrival time. He was only two hours late, instead of his usual four." Histugaya stated.
"Yes, we were all surprised by his promptness, moving on." Yamamoto replied, "Now, does anyone have any serious business?"
No one spoke.
"Then let us begin our game."
A few rounds in, and everyone was enjoying themselves. Most of the cards they knew well, so they threw in new ones each time they played to keep themselves on their toes. One of these cards now came up.
"How many Shinigami constantly have their zanpakuto in it's first release, and who?" Kenpachi read off to Soi Fon.
Soi Fon smirked at the easy question. "Obviously two. Yourself, Kenpachi, and Ichigo Kurasaki." She leaned back to collect the meager reward for the question while the others cursed her (in their heads, no one was crazy enough to say it out loud) for the easy card.
"Wrong." Kenpachi said, putting the card back in the deck.
"WHAT?" Most of the Captains stated, as this was obviously a stunning revelation.
Kenpachi explained. "There are actually three. The two you mentioned..." he sighed with regret. "And my 4th Seat."
"How is he the 4th seat if he's got that high of a spiritual pressure too-"
"Because I honestly don't know if it's because of his spiritual pressure or if he just doesn't bother to seal it, and it is just ridiculous." Kenpachi cut the Captains off. Yes, they were speaking in tandem. Unrehearsed.
"Why doesn't he seal it?"
"Because he is constantly using his shikai." Kenpachi responded.
"What is his Shikai?" Kuchiki asked.
All the Captains pressed forward to hear the answer.
Kenpachi sighed, again with regret.
"A mop..."
"What." They all asked. At least, the ones that could operate their mouths.
"...and bucket." Kenpachi finished.
They all stared at him for more details.
"Who do you think cleans the barracks?" Kenpachi told them with a straight face.
"That explains why it's always clean, even though the 4th Division won't touch your barracks with a ten-meter pole." Kurotsuchi mentioned.
"He also does the paperwork, and cooks."
"Wait, why is he your 4th seat?" Hitsugaya asked.
At this point, the trivia was entirely forgotten.
Kenpachi didn't hear this and continued on. "He's extremely polite, and honestly, I just call him Butler. No one remembers his real name."
"Why is he in the 11th Division?" Was the collective thought. Hitsugaya brought it up.
Kenpachi grinned that crazy smile that looks like he's going to rip your throat out for shits and giggles. "Because, what do you think a guy who bottles every little insult and jab at him for being polite and having a pathetic Zanpakuto does with all that bottled-up irritation and rage?"
Everyone waited for the answer.
Kenpachi grinned more, if that was possible. "When he fights, he remembers every little insult, and takes them out on his opponent. He could tear through an army and still be furious enough to destroy three more. Plus, when you have such a pathetic shikai, you learn how to use it for combat in some innovative ways."
"If he uses that much rage, how is he not injured in the daily brawl?" Unohana asked. She had never treated the 4th seat, and had actually forgotten there was supposed to be one.
"He doesn't join. He's too busy dragging the members to the front so the medics can get them. Then he mops up the blood until it's clean enough to eat off of, and does who-knows-what after-wards. I don't actually keep track off him. As long as everything's clean, the food's hot, and the paperwork is done, I don't care." Was Kenpachi's reply. "Plus, ever since that one time, I expressly forbid him from fighting other Shinigami."
In the next moment, Kenpachi was on the ground with every sword in the room pointed at him.
"Where is the real Kenpachi Zaraki?" Soifon yelled at him while holding him down.
Kenpachi just laughed at them. "I forbid him because he beat everyone too badly to fight me before I got to any of them."
Everyone was back in their seats, their worries settled.
"If he's that good, why isn't he your Lieutenant?"
"Because he didn't beat Yachiru, and Ikkaku and Yumichika were both in the 4th division already. He's the 4th seat only because Yumichika didn't want it. Otherwise he'd be 5th." He shuddered. "Plus, how would I look if my Lieutenant had a mop for a shikai?"
Everyone smartly decided not to question the logic of having a little girl as a Lieutenant.
11th Division
"And this is the courtyard. Here we try to kill each other every single day. You probably won't last your first week, but that's okay because you're expendable. Any questions?" Ikkaku asked his small group of new 11th Division recruits.
One person raised their hand. This act of intolerable politeness was met with said hand lying on the ground as the poor sap screamed and clutched his bleeding stump. Another recruit handed him his...hand, as it were, and pointed him towards the 4th Division. For treatment or to join, no one was sure.
Once that episode was over, another recruit spoke up. "If you fight here every day, why isn't the floor covered in blood?"
"An excellent question." Ikkaku replied before punching him in the face. "If any of you question who cleans here, because god knows it isn't the 4th division, you will be beaten, because if anyone questions it, it might be in earshot of who does clean it, and that might convince them to stop cleaning it, which no one wants. Any other questions?"
"Who's the 4th Seat?" Another poor sap asked. He was stabbed through the chest. The recruits realized that any question would be bad for them.
"I don't know, and it fucking pisses me off, because I can't fight the person that supposedly is closest to me in strength. Now beat it."
Everyone ran to avoid the potential violence. Or to cause some. The first group went on to become successful members of the 4th Division while the second either became 11th division canon fodder or wound up dead. No one really cared which.
In the corner, a man holding a mop just sighed, picking up the bucket to go clean once Ikkaku had left.
And he had just got the place to shine to.
