Disclaimer: All characters and events in this story—even those based on real people—are entirely fictional. All celebrity voices are impersonated...poorly. The following story contains coarse language and due to its content it should not be read by anyone. Not only do I not own South Park, this story isn't even based on South Park.

We're Off to See the Wizard

(A South Park musical)

Chapter 1: Tornados Blow

"Okay," said Mr. Mackey, "children listen up. I have an important announcement to make, okay? We've just received word from the Colorado Weather Bureau that a Category 5 tornado is heading straight for us here in South Park. So we're suspending school for the rest of the day, okay? Now, you are not to panic but are to proceed in an orderly manner directly to you homes, okay? It won't help to panic or to run around because whether you run or walk, weather predictions show that, before any of you make it even halfway home, the tornado will arrive here, and you'll most likely all be killed anyway, okay? Have a nice day."

"Oh crap, I don't wanna die!"

"Of course not, Kyle, that's because you're a lousy Jew. You know you'll be spending the rest of eternity burning in hellfire, while I will be in heaven, seated next to my lord and savior, Jesus Christ."

"Fuck you, Cartmen. You have as much chance of making it into heaven as you do of squeezing into a pair of non-fatboy-sized jeans."

"Mfoue hahje od dmbbe lmwnat."

"Kenny's right. His house is the closest to school. We should take shelter there."

"No way! His place is a shack, and it smells funny. I'm not going die in a dump like that!"

"Cartman, you are such an asshole."

"Kubeba xind sjwb nusf wwwj jis!" cried Kenny, and he fled from the building.

"He's right! We gotta get outta here! Come on, Stan!"

"No! I have to make sure Wendy's okay!" Stan hurried away.

"But you'll die! Oh shit. Come on, Cartmen. We have to get home!"

"You go ahead, Kyle. There's something I have to do here."

"What can be more important than living?" Kyle glanced out the window and saw the dark and ominous funnel cloud approaching. "Holy crap!" He fled.

Eric Cartman looked to the left and to the right to make sure that no one was watching him. Then he stealthily made his way to the vending machines. He needed just a little extra fuel to make it home on. It was hell being a kid cursed with big bones.

Stan found Wendy in a deserted corridor. Locker doors hung open. Loose paper littered the floor. "Wendy! Thank God you're okay! C'mon, we have to get out of here!"

"Stan," she said in a small voice, "we have to talk."

"We can't talk now! There's a gigantic tornado coming!"

"Remember when I told you that Bridon Gueermo wasn't a threat to us because he could have any girl in the school he wanted, so why would he want me?"

"Er . . . yes?"

"Well I was wrong. He just told me he wants to be my boyfriend! Isn't it wonderful?"

"Uh . . ."

"Oh, not for you, of course, 'cause I have to dump you. But for me, it's spectacular! And really, it's not so bad for you either, because I know you truly care for me and you want me to be happy, and this is making me happier than anything in my wildest dreams!"

"Uh . . . whoopee, I guess."

She practically floated away.

Stan March stood there with conflicting emotions smashing within him. He was indeed happy that she was happy. On the other hand, it felt that she had just ripped his heart out and had stomped on it. He knew he was free again to do what he wanted, and yet he mourned the loss of her more than anything he'd ever known. He was enraged. He was homicidal. He could feel adrenaline surging through his veins, yet he was paralyzed with grief. Everything was so complicated, so complex, and so contradictory. Yet he could sum the situation up in just two simple words: "Goddamn it."

He threw his head back and sang:

Somewhere, outside of South Park,

Far away,

There's a land that I've heard of

Where love isn't just one-way.

Somewhere outside of South Park,

Skies are blue,

If there's a girl that you love there,

She's one who really loves you too.

Someday I'll buy myself a car

And wake up with this town so far behind me!

I'll find myself some red-hot fox

Like sweet Snow White or Goldilocks.

That's where you'll find me!

Somewhere, outside of South Park,

Somewhere new,

Where each love that you love is

A love that is pure and true.

In the black skies of South Park

Vultures soar.

Yes there, are girls here in South Park,

But I want something so much more.

Yes there, are girls here in South Park,

But I want something so much more!

The windows of the school blew in, showering Stan with shards of glass. Cyclonic winds shrieked like psychotic banshees. Stan threw his hands up over his head, screamed "Holy crap!" and ran.

An ominous silence met Kenny when he came bursting through the front door of his home. It was so strange. Here it was, the middle of the day, and yet the T.V. wasn't on. Kenny knew this wasn't the day his father went down to pick up the welfare check, so what the hell was going on? Where was he?

"Kunndi bdfn?" he called out. "Frtmmvp?"

Outside the wind was beginning to howl. Kenny looked outside and saw the funnel of the tornado dancing ever closer to his house. "Jhttwpm!" He ran and dove under his bed, hit his head, reach in a pulled out a bunch of junk, threw it aside, tried to push his way under the bed again, hit his head again, pulled out more junk, threw it aside too, and dove into the cave he'd just dug.

The house began to tremble. Kenny hoped it was just a bus passing by, but he didn't think so. The trembling turned into a shaking and then into a rattling. Outside, it sounded as if a freight train were rumbling by. Oh my god! It was the tornado!

The walls began to creak and groan. Something fell with a crash. A window shattered, and then another! The whole house shuttered as if being yanked back and forth by a particularly pissed-off giant. The howling of the wind was now a shriek. Dust was falling from cracks in the walls and down from the ceiling. There was a massive crash and then a splintering.

One end of the house was lifted off the ground! It floated back and forth as the tornado clawed at it. This couldn't be happening! Then the remainder of the house was torn from its foundation, and the whole structure was sucked up into the air!

Kenny screamed, "#%*&*(%#}!&!#$!"