Disclaimer: I do not own DB/Z/GT, but I think we're all aware of that.


Age 806

8:44 p.m.

You know, I can't help but wonder when it was that my life has gotten so lousy that I've resorted to writing out my problems on a piece of paper. Wonder why the thought of actually writing on this sheet made me so comfortable.

Oh. That's right. Makes me feel as though I'm not really speaking to myself anymore.

See, here, I feel as though I have to explain shit as it actually happened, so that you're able to keep up, rather than just bumping through the thoughts in my head.

I guess that's why so many people keep diaries, huh? You're not really sorting out your mind for anyone else, but truly for yourself. If I were to fill all these pages, would I be able to read back through them and figure something out about myself that I can't seem to now? Or would I just be able to figure myself out.

If I could then I'd be the first. No one else seems to understand what my 'deal' is. They think they do, you can tell just from the way they speak to and about me. Heads turned up as if just the thought of having to admit any type of past association with me is scoff worthy.

Ah, I'm jumping ahead without really telling you what I'm talking about huh? Or what my problems that I've mentioned earlier even are. I honestly don't want to either.

Today is Trunks' birthday, turning 40 years old. Trunks. Bulma's little lilac haired kid whose future version of himself that I met after coming back from Yardrat all those years ago. FOURTY. It's surreal how much time has passed. Anyway today is his birthday and he's celebrating over at Capsule Corp with Bulma, Vegeta, Bra, Goten, Gohan, Chi-Chi, Videl, Pan, Krillin, Marron, Android 18, Yamcha, Puar, Oolong, and Roshi, and even a surprise appearance from Tien and Chaoutzu.

I was kind of surprised they'd even be there, you know as a group celebrating and what not considering everyone's age difference and interests. The latter being the reason I didn't show up. Ha who am I kidding, I wasn't even invited.

Nothing is the same anymore, and it really could not go back to being the way it was all those years ago. Hell everything changed the day grandpa Gohan was killed by my damn Saiyan genes. I had to survive on my own, with no one to even communicate with except the damn forest creatures around me, kind of like now except I'm inside a rundown apartment in the middle of South City. I remember telling Bulma how she was my first friend, aside from the rocks, pretty pitiful now that i think about it.

Bulma.

She came and pretty much showed me the world,which consisted more of dragging me around as her body guard more than actually helping me learning from it. I was as naïve as ever and for the genius she claimed to be, she could never answer simple questions, like, oh I don't know, the difference between a man and a woman. She might have thought I was a complete fucking dumbass for not knowing, but I literally did not know or understand. Up until she came around I'd only ever seen one other human. My grandpa. Who had been dead for a long ass time. I mean I was 12 when she found me. Grandpa and I didn't sit around discussing shit like genitals when I was 5 you know? and despite me telling her how i'd been on my own she still expected me to know things that everyone else knew.

For someone as unique as her she kind of had certain expectations from people, which probably still carries on until today, actually, scratch that, i know she does, it's one of the reasons i'm in the situation i'm in now. Fucking ridiculous.

Heh. Sorry for all the cursing, I've been nursing a bottle of Stagg whiskey for the past hour, and it's effects are finally kicking into gear in this ol' Saiyan body of mine.

Anyway. As I was saying. So instead of teaching my about what my simple mind should have already known from the womb like she apparently did, she reprimanded me for it. Just like everyone else always has. I mean fuck, when people go to school, do teachers and professors yell and curse them out for not knowing what for them is a simple concept? Granted, Bulma isn't a teacher, along with any of my past friends, but when you want someone to know something you tell them. Don't get mad at them for not understanding something you NOW do.

I lived on my own for around 6 to 7 years, those vital years in a kids life. Its sort of left an impression on me. I remember a couple of people talking to me about the psychological problems my kids developed over the years due to me not being there enough for them when they were growing. I wonder if they ever thought about the ones I developed.

I'd ask how does it feel to explain to someone that they're not at ALL who they thought they were his entire life, in fact, he's naturally one of the things he fears the most...but Raditz seemed to have a good time doing it so i'm guessing it wouldn't be that big of a deal. Shit my whole life was turned upside down, for about the 20th time throughout my life that day, but that was the considerably the most monumental. With it came the reason I was so lonely in that forest. The reason that when I woke up from my Oozaru state the next morning and found my grandfathers flattened remains with his blood still covering part of my body, yet none of my own, that i couldn't live with the truth. That my mind needed to remain in a state that wouldn't allow me to feel any pain. Because I knew the truth, and my mind snapped. Despite me not wanting to ever, ever that man, I did. I knew it, and I forced myself to not believe it. I buried his remains with what my 5 year old hands could handle and slowly walked back to that dark little hut. I got out one of the few remaining gi's grandpa had made for me and set out to one of the nearby rivers to wash off his life source.

For a fleeting second I wondered if I should even bother washing it off. It was all I had left of him. Unless i dug out his deteriorating flesh and remaining bones out of that make shift grave and brought it back to the house...but grandpa wouldn't like that, it'd make a mess, even if he was the reason for it.

Then my mind seemed to snap back and go about just thinking of taking a bath as I usually did, for the usual reasons. Getting rid of nothing but the grime built up from training and running around, not what once allowed your grandpa to hold you while he told you stories.

As I dipped my feet into that flowing river i remember thinking about how cold it was. How much firewood grandp-

Thats right.

How much firewood I would need.

The dirt should keep grandpa's body warm enough..right?

I ran back as fast as I could to that grave. Dug out his even less recognizable remains from all the soil that penetrated the exposed inner flesh of his body. Made the hole he was in as deep as possible while still allowing me to climb out. It was dark when i'd finished.

I placed him back in along with a bunch of rocks and leaves to cover his body in case it rained and exposed anything of his. Then I started piling on the soil. I patted it flat enough to not be recognizable and went back to the river to get the dirt off of my body, thanking the earth for covering up the blood that had once been visible on me. I walked back home and laid down on the futon me and grandpa slept on and just..laid there.

The thought that he would get out of that hole during a rainstorm terrified me. I couldn't stop thinking about that. It was dark, and grandpa hadn't tught me how to make fires yet. I wasn't ready he'd told me, I could burn the house down. Besides I didn't need to yet since he was always around.

Well grandpa, you were around alright, but not how I need you. And I could really have used those lessons, it was too dark there Grandpa, and too cold. Always too dark and too cold. I would rather spend all my time outside, but going outside at night is what led me to hurt my grandpa in the first place. I was trapped in a never ending nightmare. Anywhere I went i'd be haunted by the truth.

The only solace I had was grandpa's four star dragonball to keep me company.

That night was the first time I started speaking to it, "You'll keep me safe no matter what, right grandpa?"

I wasn't speaking to the ball, but when I had said that I could have sworn I felt a warmness from it. I felt it was grandpa replying back.

I didn't feel alone anymore.

I had someone to talk to again.

Things were gonna be okay.

Except they weren't.

Damn all this thinking and writing is definitely now what I'm in the mood for right now. You know what? I think I will drop by that party, shock them all with my still living corpse, since despite me being able to breath; I might as well be dead to them. Wonder what they'll say after all these years. Probably something along the lines of how I independently ruined each of their lives.

Oh well i'd rather argue with them than take another minute in here.


Hey guys! This is my first attempt at writing and would love to get your reactions. As much time as I spend reading fanfic's I wanted to try out actually developing it.