It's already February 2013 and I was looking at this story that I wrote quite a while ago. I miss the actual drama and the characters. At the time this piece was created I was in angst, worrying that the writer and producer might end it either with Eun Soo dying or leaving, and it broke my heart, so I moved the story in the direction that felt right. I wanted to show how they are able to be together despite everything because of how strongly they are connected.
Longing
Choi Young was never a dreamer. He never was creative or imaginative. He was clever, he was quick, to the point, he was a man of action, and if needed he could fantasize about what might happen in a battle. The only things he pictured were images and memories of what has already come to pass. Like his first love and the time he spent with her, which used to allow him to forget reality for an instant. He also imagined his father in the afterlife and frequently traveled in his thoughts and dreams to the frozen lake of the end of life journey, where his father patiently waited for him. But once, that picture, as if drawn by a talented painter came alive with colors, bright flowers and leaves, grass and water, it was spring and everything was in bloom and sounding so much alive. He did not know then why and how, but he intuitively thought of Eun Soo, when he recalled that strange dream. After that, he never went back to the frozen lake. In fact, as if the ice encapsulating his heart has been slowly melting, allowing spurts of emotions to fly out unexpectedly, bursting into his heart, making it beat fast, clouding his cold mind and cool thoughts, making him do crazy, outrageous things. Like kissing Eun Soo in front of everybody, just to save her from the horrid masquerade of a marriage. Yes, he thought about it all, while carrying the heavy burden of being a failure of a Wudalchi General. He knew the death of his comrades was his fault. It was not formulated in his mind till he actually opened his mouth and in his simple and poignant manner he admitted it to the king. He knew right there and then that High Doctor always came first, even before he ever knew it in his conscious mind, she was always first and foremost and what he believed was his greatest value – his honor, his warrior honor – appeared to be a lie he has told himself in order to carry on when he needed to survive, again all due to the promise to his teacher. If not, he would have followed his beloved 7 years ago without another thought.
It occurred to him, that it was all meant to be. What if him living, but not living like that for the last 7 years was a test from Heaven, whether he could endure long enough to meet HER, to meet the one woman who changed it all. The one who embodied life with all her quirkiness and clumsiness. A strange creature, absurd, illogical, passionate, yet smart, humble, giving, caring, loving, the one, who is so honest, yet can lie easily, the one who came to watch over him. He still could not wrap his mind around the idea that he needed to be protected, that she decided to protect him and guard his life with so little regard for her own. He was astounded, why would she do such a thing. Of course, for him it was no brainer, he promises to protect and he does. But she made no such promise. Only he felt the need to protect her because of the deep powerful feeling of love and there could be only one reason for her to do the same. Just like she said, he would do that for her. So if he thought about it logically, Eun Soo loved him. At least as much as he loved her. Stop… He had to stop and breathe.
Does that mean that when she said she wanted to like him, her heart is with him? If it is, … He slumbered down in his favorite position, sitting against the wall, one leg stretched out a bit, resting his head on his arm, leaning on the sword. He thought of her when he thought of the word love. He thought "loving her". And at that moment images started to flood. He recalled multiple smiles of Eun Soo, her funny mannerisms, little tugs she gave him on his sleeve. He remembered, when she first came from Haven and blooded her pants, how she cut them off and wore these short things… Her legs, milky white slim legs, her arms, her long neck framed by auburn hair. The open v collar of her clothing did not allow much for imagination, but he felt her breasts against him before many times when he had to hold her for protection or when embracing. He wondered what she would look like when disrobed. He thought of her body being as white and gentle, and soft and aromatic, like flowers and herbs she liked. He created this picture of Eun Soo in his mind and felt a desire, which was very physical, primal, it was not noble, but it was not embarrassing either. He was just a man who loved and wanted a woman. He desired her, all of her and he wanted to be able to touch her, to see all of her fully with his eyes, to give himself to her, so that she could feel the strength in his muscled and toned body, which he never used for anything, but training and fighting. What a waste, he smirked. No wonder she always tried to make sure I'm healthy. I guess she was keeping me well for herself. He laughed at his own thoughts. He was surprised that he could fantasize about a woman from Heaven. And yet, he knew he had the right. He wanted to go and tell her immediately about what he wanted. He also, of course, realized it is not how it is done in heaven or in Gureyo. Who could he ask? He continued to feel how his body responded to his fantasies and continued playing out scenarios of how and what he could do to make Eun Soo happy and give her the most pleasure. He never knew he had it in him. He never knew of any other man who did that. He wished he had some practice before, when his men invited him to visit the "pleasure house", to be good for her. He heard of books talking about such things from some Wudalchi kids who got them from the black market. But he was never interested before. All these stupid, useless thoughts. It was not really his cup of tea. It was not him, and he mentally kicked himself for the idea of "practicing" like it was martial arts. Yet, something had to be done about it and soon.
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