Disclaimer: Me no own-y. You no sue-y.

Romeo and Juliet (or "Why Hormones are Bad for your Health")

Act I

The story of Romeo and Juliet starts out with your normal everyday street brawl started by a couple of brainless servants who didn't know any better, think West Side Story except with no snapping fingers and less choreography. Actually, truth be told, there was about the same amount of choreography, but the only thing that the poor fingers had to do was be bitten. No wonder that insult never quite caught on.

Any way before we begin to butcher this classic even more lets get some history. It all starts out with the Montague's and the Capulet's. These two families have been at each other's throats for no particular reason for time out of mind. No one is sure why this is. Could be that they just like fighting and find one another easy targets. However the most plausible rumor speculates that the whole shebang began when a second cousin of the Montague's stole some of the Capulet's prize cattle. This would explain why the Capulet battle cry is "Vive la Vache!" which means, "long live the cow" in French (1) (this could also be due to the way the elder Lady Capulet looks, no one knows for sure). So, anyway, back to our story.

The Prince of Verona was getting entirely fed up with loosing so many taxpayers to street fights between the battling clans. Not to mention the cost the local sanitation engineers charged for cleaning up all that blood off the streets. And don't even get him started on the wages the city watch was now demanding now that the job risks had suddenly taken a leap. So logically he decreed that any one caught fighting would be immediately put to death. Makes perfect sense to me. And this is how it stands at the beginning of act one.

After one of these daily "misunderstandings" in downtown Verona, Romeo, son of Lord Montague, comes mincing along mooning over some broad named Rosaline who hardly even knows he exists. But alas and alack Their love was not wasn't meant to be, either that or Romeo is just a little bit on the fickle side which is too bad for Rosaline who missed her chance at fame. (And wouldn't the title be nicer with some lovely alliteration in it? Or not…)

Accompanying our hero today were his two swashbuckling, happy-go-lucky, frat brother friends named Mercutio and Benvolio. After some cajoling they convince Romeo to crash a Capulet party, which conveniently enough was being held that very evening. Romeo was reluctant to go, feigning love sickness to get out of it. He is persuaded when Mercutio tells him Rosaline will be there. All the same Romeo said he had a bad dream about going to the party coughhinthintcough must have been that fettuccini Alfredo he ate before taking his mid afternoon nap.

A few hours later, wearing their best party tights and masks so they won't be recognized and made targets for a favorite party game entitled "skewer the uninvited guests" the three interlopers arrive at the Capulet's summer villa. (The Capulets winter in Venice where there is a relatively low Montague population and the mayor doesn't mind a little bloodshed in the streets.) After a little lurking in the shadows and feeling very rejected, Romeo spies a gorgeous girl across the dance floor. Dramatic Holly Wood music starts to play. Their eyes meet and they fall instantly in love with each other. Of course.

Romeo minces straight up to her (well, as straight as anyone wearing uncomfortably tight and itchy tights can mince) and with the audacity that only a hormonally flooded teenager can manage kisses her straight on the lips without so much as asking her name, which just happens to be Juliet, only child Mr. and Mrs. Capulet. Yes, those same Capulets that are the sworn enemy of the Montague clan. What a coincidence.

When people start yelling for the couple to get a room, Tybalt (who was named for the Prince of cats.) (in pops random Tolkien fanatic

"Oh, like Telvildo(2)!"

"Well yes, sort of, but not really." replies the bemused narrator. "For one thing, he's not really an evil cat. Not yet anyway. Wait a second. Where in the name of the gods did you come from? This is Shakespeare."

"What, you mean this isn't a Tolkien fic?" cries the fan in exasperation.

"Great Valar, no!" screeches the narrator.

"Oops, my bad." random Tolkien fanatic pops out, hopefully landing in a more suitable fic.) a hot-headed cousin of Juliet's, recognizes Romeo and gets ready for rousing round of "pin the rapier on the Montague", but before he can do anything he is stopped by Lord Capulet who isn't too keen on getting blood stains in his new white carpet. (Oxy-Clean wasn't around then.)

About the same time, Juliet's nurse came and told Juliet that her mother wants her. After Juliet left, Romeo asked her name from the nurse figuring it was going to take a name at least to get to second base. The nurse, always glad to talk, obligingly told him who she was and would have gone into some embarrassing childhood anecdotes if she had the time, or Romeo the patience (or the audience enough barf bags). Later that same evening, Juliet learned who Romeo was from the nurse. Don't ask how she knew who he was. It is a long complicated plot between the servants of the warring households for world domination involving a baked potato, some extra crispy chicken stripsand one very confused llama.

End Act I

1. I know what you're thinking, French phrase, Italian setting, it just doesn't add up. Well, there's a very simple explanation- I don't speak Italian but I do speak French and this is, after all, my story. OK, so it's not really my story, per say, but I'm borrowing it. So until I have to give it back, it's as good as mine.

2.Telvildo is an early Tolkien creation first found in The Lost Tales (Vol. 2). He was abandoned in favor of Sauron later on. Yes, I'm a Tolkien nerd, get over it.

(A/N): Thisexercise in the absurdstarted out as a Freshman English assignment. (Yes, I actually got points for this monstrosity, believe it or not.) Now it's getting an update and getting posted. Reviews are always loved. ConCrit might be heeded, praise will be framed and publicly displayed, and as always flames will be laughed at and used to roast Mary Sues.