AN: Oh lord... I have Finally gotten around to posting this. *sigh* I've been working on this for a while now, and I just thought it would a short little angsty thing, but nooooo, I have to go and make this a multi-chapter story. xD Sorry my dears.
Please, do tell if this is boring or horrible or if it's actually on the okay side - I want to know if my efforts have been fruitful. [And if you notice any spelling errors, do tell, I don't have a beta at the moment!]
-o-o-o-
Day One - Monday, December 23rd, 2013
Hello. This is Dipper Pines. I'm not entirely sure as to how to start a journal but I was recommended to. Not sure why - no one's going to read it but me. But I guess it's a psychological thing for my psycho mind. Hah.
I think that's all for today, I can't seem to think of anything.
—
Day Two - Tuesday, December 31st, 2013
Mom, dad and Mabel are out watching the ball drop. I was left at home. Again… I forgot that I had to do this, so here I am.
I guess I have to write about my feelings, right? I am talking to myself…
Well, I guess. I feel. Horrid. Disgusting, if you will. My parents have been leaving me home more often than not lately and dragging Mabel along with them. I know Mabel is upset, I see it in her eyes when she puts on her coat and shoes. I stand close to her and smile, telling her I'll be just fine. I whisper this so my parents won't hear… They'd just look at her or me with disgust probably. (Not that they weren't already.) I waved to them as they had walked out. Only Mabel waved back, as usual.
I've become accustomed to that.
I… I think I'm done for now, I feel numb. I'm going to bed. Good night…
—
Day Three - Saturday, January 4th, 2014
It's finally snowing. I'm glad. Mabel loves snow. She's been excited all morning - she even woke me up at 7 today to tell me. I smiled at her, and it looked like her smile grew even brighter.
Strange. I guess I haven't been smiling much.
I should do it more, Mabel seems to enjoy it.
I don't know what I seem to be focused on Mabel today, I just am. She just seems so happy… I wish I could join her outside. Mother and Father probably probably wouldn't like that though. So I'll just watch her from up here.
School has been boring. I want to read up on the paranormal, not pythagorion therams. But whatever. I like English the most. We're reading whatever we want and we get to write whatever we want. The teacher likes what I write I think; he keeps leaving positive comments in the corners.
He thinks I have a great imagination when I'm just writing down real events from this past summer. But whatever, it's fine. He doesn't have to know about anything like that…
I'm remembering my past, so I think I'll stop here. Plus Mabel hurt her knee, I should go get her ice.
—
Day Four - Friday, February 7th, 2014
In a week is my least favorite holiday - fun.
I mean, only two people love me and that's because we're related. They probably wouldn't want to if I wasn't. Then again, Mother and Father have done just that and I'm related to them by blood…
Grunkle Stan and Mabel. They keep me strong… I can forget my worries when I'm with them. But he's in Gravity Falls and Mabel isn't to get near me - parents orders. Piedmont is lonely…
I've gotten into drawing. It's strange, I usually like to write (does it show? hah) and this is a whole new way of expression. You need to fully put words into one picture. I've been drawing some of the mystical beings from the Journal in this book I asked from Mabel. She loves drawing her fashion ideas, and when she saw my interest, she just grinned and handed me some fancy pencils and a sketchbook about the same size as a marble notebook.
I will admit, I sucked at the beginning. But I tried harder, and I think I got some of them down pat. Like the gnomes or the Gravity Falls' falls. It's relaxing.
I just hope no one finds it. They'd hate it, so I just keep it in my room.
Not that I really go anywhere anyways.
Home is still lonely because it doesn't really feel like home. But whatever, right? I've dealt with tougher… Right?
I think I'm done. I don't feel so good.
—
Day Five - Friday, February 14th, 2014
Mabel got herself a date from school. I know that she probably doesn't like him, but he is enamoured by her. I know that this'll only be a one time thing, she's fickle like that. Even though I'm messed up I do believe in soulmates.
The supernatural exists, so why not? It's the hopes of one lonely, depressed Dipper Pines I guess hah.
My parents aren't home either, so I have the house to myself. Again.
I have pills and some alcohol with me. If I don't write, it just means that I'm gone.
Goodbye.
Love you Mabel. Love you Grunkle Stan. Love you both so so much. Goodbye. I'm sorry I'm messed up. I really am. I'm sorry I messed myself up during those few months, I'm sorry, I am.
Haha, I'm crying so hard, I don't know if I'm writing on the line haha.
I wonder if anyone will even find this. They'll probably not even try to unlock my door until they start smelling rotten flesh coming from "somewhere" in the house.
Mabel would try to get in and leave meals by the door.
Grunkle Stan would've barged the door down haha… He'd say it was my shift.
They wouldn't care though… No one else would.
So, goodbye Grunkle Stan, Mabel; I'll miss both of you.
—
Day Six - Saturday, February 15th, 2014
Failed Attempt Count - 1
I could only drink some alcohol before I heard Mabel outside. I wouldn't want her to come home to that, so I hid the stuff and pretended to be asleep. She came into my room and kissed my cheek, ran her hands through my hair and all I wanted to do was hug her.
But I was trying not to cry and stay calm because I felt so broken. So, so, so broken. I still feel broken, but only so, so broken.
I knew and realised as she stayed there for a while that that was my only one chance for a long time to be with her and actually Talk with her.
Our conversation went like this:
"Mabel?"
"Oh, Dipper, sorry, did I wake you?"
"No, it's fine." I grabbed her hand and intertwined our fingers like we used to do when we were younger. I smiled up at her, eyes watery, but hoping that she couldn't see nor read my mind.
"Oh… Well, hello." She sniffled. She probably realised the same thing. "Dipper?"
"Yeah?"
"I've missed you."
I sat up before I hugged her tight and said "I miss you too Mabes." (God, I haven't said that name in so long.)
She burst into tears at that point. I held her. It was nice, I felt needed and important and someone that could glue her back together. It was nice - I got to rub her back and smell her hair and kiss her forehead like we used to.
I wanted to say those nonsense things they say in the movies, but she and I both knew that they would be fake. So, I just opted for holding her.
When she calmed down, we talked about her date and how his nose was too big and how he smelled way too much of axe and how he'd tried to "subtly" flex to impress.
We were cracking up by the end of it all.
I don't think I've laughed in months. It felt so foreign and nice and.
And as usual, goods things ended much too quickly.
Our parents pulled up into the driveway, we could hear it clearly since my room was lovely located by the back of the house.
She kissed my cheek, said goodnight, and left quickly. No promises of continuation, just a lingering look with all the promises and hopes I know she couldn't say.
It hurt.
But it would probably hurt more if I had died and never had a chance at talking with her again.
I'm crying, so I think I'm going to go for now.
—
Day Seven - Thursday, February 20th, 2014 Friday, February 21st, 2014
Today is Mother's birthday.
I didn't want to give her anything, but I did. I drew her portrait of her holding a flower and smiling. She looked young, the wind was fluttering her skirt and she looked happy. Everything that she was not, I put her in her picture. Flattering I suppose.
She thanked me as coldly as anyone could.
But whatever.
I expected as much.
I left, right after taking their and Mabel's picture around the cake. I calmly walked upstairs.
It didn't go as bad as I thought it would at least - I got to eat dinner with them. I thought she'd send me upstairs with a plate of food so that she wouldn't have to see my face.
And that would've been fine with me too. But Mabel seemed happy as she rubbed my shin with her foot under the dining table. So it wasn't all bad.
It's almost 2 A.M., so I think I should go to sleep for now…. It's technically the 21st, isn't it? Whatever, easily fixable.
Well, good night.
