Unreality Pockets
"What the hell was that?" asked Lister, running to the drive room. The entire ship, Starbug, had just turned a violent shade of magenta, and a loud bang had come from the drive room.
"Well, whatever it was, its taken the cat," said Rimmer, obviously relieved that Lister had arrived. "I suppose that we should thank it."
"Thank it? Thank it? Rimmer, are you nuts? This thing stole our crew member, the one with the ultra-sensitive, danger finding, warning nose. How are we supposed to negotiate our way through this mine field if we –"
"Listy, did you say mine field? Like those unreality pockets we went through last week, to find the time machine?"
"Yea, Rimmer. I said mine fields. We are getting somewhere. Go find Kryten."
Rimmer headed for the door but paused and said, "This means that the cat is coming back, doesn't it?" He sighed and continued on to the sleeping quarters to find Kryten. Behind him, he heard a small pop, but payed it no attention. He looked all through Starbug and found Kryten where he least expected to.
On the AR machine. Kryten on the AR machine? He looked up as Lister waltzed through the door with the laundry, whistling the theme to Androids. Since when did Lister do his own laundry and watch Androids?
"For goodness' smeggin' sake! What is going on here? Lister, why aren't you on the AR machine? Kryten, why aren't you doing the laundry?" asked Rimmer.
"I am doing the laundry," answered Lister.
"But you aren't Kryten."
"Yes I am! I think I know who I am. I can tell you all about my groinal socket or my nipple nuts. If I wasn't who I am, who is Silicon Heaven would be doing your laundry?" asked Lister.
"Oh my God!" said Rimmer. "Am I the only sane person?" Or am I just insane? said a little voice in his head. It was the same voice that always nagged him about being mean to Lister. The same one that made him feel guilty about bossing Kryten around. Even if he did want to be bossed around. He called it his conscience.
Right as Rimmer fell to his knees, Cat danced in. "Hey buddy," he said, patting Lister on the shoulder. "I just made a whole lot of things mine. The emohawk is mine, Lister's fish are mine, Red Dwarf is mine . . ."
"The emohawk?" asked a panicked Rimmer, "what emohawk?"
"That one," replied Cat, pointing at a box in front of him which instantly changed shape and sucked out–
"My cool. It's eaten my cool. Now I'm just . ."
"Duane Dibbley," interrupted Rimmer. "This dream just keeps getting better and better. I dearly hope that I die. It would just, what the?" Rimmer fell completely over and did a somersault that he would never have been able to do if he actually wanted to. He got up, ignoring the shooting pains in his left side, and ran to the drive room.
There he saw Cat, Lister, and Kryten sitting at their scanners as if nothing had happened.
"Thank God, Rimmer, where have you been? We were beginning to get worried. But only for a nanosecond. We have entered another mine field, full of unreality pockets. Sort of like when we found the time machine. By the way, we threw it out. We took a vote while you were gone and we decided that we didn't want to become our future selves."
"What, Lister? You took a vote without me? I am the highest ranking person aboard this ship. According to Space Corps directive 117353, the highest ranking officer aboard the ship must be present at any kind of meeting deciding anything important, especially a vote."
Kryten spoke up, "Space Corps directive 117353, hmm, that does not seem to pertain to our present situation. It clearly states that no officer in deep space can attempt to have sex with a rubber chicken. I sincerely hope that you didn't try Mr Arnold, sir. I'm afraid that the penalty is death."
Cat and Lister burst out laughing. "I think he meant 117352, or 117354. He's always one off isn't he? Such a smeghead," laughed Lister.
"Do you know the penalty for describing a superior officer as a smeghead?" Asked Rimmer indignantly.
"No," said Lister. "But I'm sure that you do. Why don't you remind us one more time."
"Uh oh. I smell trouble. I bet it's another one of these pocket things. Better put on your seatbelts. But first, let me get some fish. I gonna eat you little fishy, I'm gonna eat you little fishy," sang Cat.
"Great," complained Rimmer. "We have a guide who has a brain the size of a McDonalds chicken mcnugget."
"Hey guys," shouted Cat from the kitchen. "Hold on tight, here it comes!"
They all shook in their seats and fell forward as they hit another pocket. This time, Cat disappeared, and Kochanski appeared. They could all guess whose fantasy pocket this was.
"Kryten, why don't you and I make ourselves scarce. I don't think we want to be in here when Lister spots her. It's bound to be pretty disgusting. Leg it!" whispered Rimmer. He and Kryten bounded out of the room faster than you could say 'smeg.'
"Hello Dave," said Kochanski seductively.
Lister spun around. "Kristine! Where the hell did you come from? It's great to see you. Okay, I'm finished being modest. I really want to make love to you."
Kochanski laughed and began to take off her shirt, but right before she took off her bra there was a great bang and she disappeared.
"Oh smeggin' hell. I can't believe I fell for that," said Lister, banging his head on the back of his chair.
"I can," said Rimmer, "You're so gullible that you would make love to something non-existent. I trust that's what you did. Wait! Don't tell me. I don't want to know!" Rimmer fell over as there was another loud crash and saw that both Kryten and Cat had disappeared.
"Oh smeg!" shouted Lister. "The Navi-Comp is out. There are several small fires in the drive room, and Cat and Kryten are missing." He read the damage report machine while reaching for the fire extinguisher.
He held onto the arms of his chair and braced himself for another crash. When it came, the fires were gone, the Navi-Comp was working, and Kryten and Cat both returned. Cat was sitting on his lap.
"What has happened here. Gone for five minutes and you have a chair like this? Hey, goalpost head, where's cheese brain?"
"Muf tho mmm mmyfd," said Lister into Cat's back.
"You're sitting on him," said Rimmer, looking at Cat with disgust.
"Oh, you mean I'm sitting in the lap of that creature? Impossible. The Invincible Cat would never sit on another man!" said Cat.
Lister rotated his head free and spoke, "I'm another man. And you're sitting on me. Mr. Invincible Cat, get off me!"
Cat jumped up and looked at Lister. He said with a strait face, "I am not into other guys."
Rimmer and Lister burst out laughing. "Boys from the Dwarf," said Lister, shaking his hands. "Now Cat, put on your nose and lets go find her!"
A/N: This is my first Red Dwarf story. More chapters will come soon, I promise. Please review! Oh, and I don't own any Red Dwarf stuff. The name Invincible Cat is mine though.
