HIM
I hate him. I pity him. He is a victim. He is my enemy. I take delight in his pain yet I yearn to take it away from him.
He haunts me.
My world just shattered today. My emotions are still in turmoil. Today Apophis begged for our help -- we, the Tau'ri, who he despised so much. We took him in only to find that he is dying and we can't do anything about it. Of course, none of us were planning on shedding any tears about it. In his death, our lives would be much easier. I didn't know that the simple act of kindness by bringing him to Earth would condemn us to death by Sokar. Who said life was fair?
We didn't listen to the Tok'ra's warnings about taking Apophis back to the planet for a simple reason. We wanted to squeeze as much information as humanly possible from him about the Goa'uld. Doctor Fraiser, on the other hand, really wanted to save his life. We don't blame her, she *did* swear by the Hippocratic oath. Still, looking over Apophis and both of us knowing just who was going to die made me smile. Apophis caused SG-1 much pain and we were returning the favour. He was frail, weak and his life was going to end. We will still be around to gloat about it.
I didn't expect his host to talk. I never expected his host to tell me his story. Everything changed. Now I know the host was once a scribe a long time ago and his fondest wish was to be with his family.
It was only now that I realise the true face of my enemy. Intellectually I knew that Apophis was a parasitic creature that needed a host. I knew that the face of the host was not the face of the Goa'uld. Yet, when I think of Apophis, when I think of the one person I hate most in the world, his host's face come into mind. Today I understand. I understand that the host separate from the Goa'uld. The host is a victim; his only crime is to be unfortunate enough to be picked by Apophis. I can see clearly now, the line which distinct host and Goa'uld. I would not make the same mistake again.
Now, as I think about this, several other thoughts bombard my mind. Memories of killing other Goa'ulds…we killed not only the Goa'ulds but also their innocent hosts. I am racked with guilt. I know many who will justify this as mercy killing; many will say that nothing of the host will survive or that the host would rather die than be a host. They are all true, yet, I cannot help thinking about what happened today. Apophis' host talked to me. What if there was a way for us to get rid of the Goa'uld and heal its host? There must be a way. I mean, the host deserve to live.
We were forced to send Apophis and his host's dead body through the Stargate to prevent any attacks from Sokar. As I watched the body disappear through the event horizon, Apophis' host's words continue to haunt me, "I lived only to have died again."
It was true. The Tok'ra have told us of his fate. Sokar will use a sarcophagus to revive him and kill him as many times as he wishes. Apophis deserves that but his host doesn't.
Jack tells me that I have done what I could. I gave the host peace when I promised to bring his soul back to Egypt and bury the statue that holds his soul with great honour. Then again, what peace could he possibly get when he is tortured and killed, only to be brought to life again by Sokar?
It isn't fair.
I will forever remember his pain and suffering. That is the best thing I can do -- to remember him. Do you know the funny part? I don't even know the host's name.
How's that for irony?