I picked up the phone and began to dial your number. As the other line began ringing, I knew there was no turning back. It was only 9:30, I knew you'd be awake. After three rings you answered, voice floating to me through the receiver, "Scully". "Hey Scully it's me." Who else would call you at 9:30 on a Tuesday? "Oh, hello Mulder." I can hear you smile- not the tight- lipped kind you flash to me in the office, tonight it's different. "So um, I was just sitting down to watch my 50th showing of 'Night of the Living Dead' and thought I'd have some pizza to celebrate... you wanna come?" I ask, knowing you'll say yes but you'll play your little game as usual. "I dunno Mulder, it's Tuesday and it's getting late..." you trail off allowing me room to persuade you. "I promise I won't say the lines along with it... I'll even get the pizza without the ham, just for you!" I beg, knowing it's not necessary. "Oh, OK Mulder... But only of Charlie is delivering tonight" You laugh... I laugh- things are going so well. "The pizza man! I should've known" I joke, hoping to keep the light mood going. "I'll be over in a half hour" click I looked at the phone for moment, realizing that we never say goodbye. Maybe it's because I never really could say goodbye. That was going to change I decided, along with many other things. As I dialed up Little Caesar's Pizza, I decided a lot of things other than goodbye needed to be said. Things were going so well, it was time I concluded, as Charlie answered the phone. I ordered your favorite pizza, even though I'm not a fan of mushrooms. Charlie said he'd bring the pizza over in a half an hour, just in time for you. He knew you were coming over because of my order... I pondered whether that meant we should go out more, but decided that wasn't our style. I cleaned up the living room, sprinkled some flakes in the fish tank and even cleaned all the clothes off my bed. OK, maybe I was being a little hopeful... but I was going to tell you and everything was going to be so much different.
I admit I was fidgeting, bouncing my basketball and running around. Right before you were supposed to arrive I noticed my shirt smelled, so I changed into one of my tight grey tee shirts. I knew you liked these jeans on me, the tight faded out blue ones- I'd caught you looking at me in them before. I hoped you'd dress down tonight, maybe those dark flared hip hugging jeans and that baby blue sweater. God, I love that sweater, it looked so soft I just wanted to run my hands over it- maybe you'd let me after tonight. It never once crossed your mind maybe you wouldn't want me, maybe you didn't feel the same way. I heard a knock at my door and I ran a hand through my hair, making sure it looked good for you. I stopped at the CD player, turning on a soft rock station and heading to the door. Surprised is one term that could have described me as I peered into the blue sunglasses of our favorite pizza man, Charlie. "Hey, Mr. Mulder... my lady isn't here yet? I didn't see her car out front." I laughed, yes I laughed at his little joke, pulling out my wallet. "Your lady Charlie? Try my lady... well- hopefully after tonight" I said to him smiling and pushing a ten and a twenty into his hand. He moved to give me change up, but I stopped him as I sniffed in the aroma of melted cheese and crispy crust. "Keep it Charlie" I tell him with a smile. He smiles back, the big toothy goofy grin of a young man. "Well hopefully I'm not the only one who gets lucky tonight!" He said winking at me, folding the $20 into his wallet. All I can do is laugh, I know now you can't refuse me. "Tell the little lady I said hi OK? Later G-man" "Charlie if she heard you call her that she'd kill you" I laugh. "Hey, I like it rough" he adds with a smile turning to the elevator. "I'll tell you how it goes when I order tomorrow" I yell after him and he turns around smiling "I better get all the horny details!" "Charlie you need to get out more!" I toss back at him, not disagreeing all together. "No Mulder, that's you! Your best friend is your pizza man!" "Goodbye *Charles*" I tease turning back inside. "Night *Fox*" he replies loud enough for me to hear, then the laughter echos through the hall as he entered the elevator, and was gone.
I brought out a 6 pack of beer, and cracked one open. I promised myself I would wait for you before starting on the pizza, but beer is fair game. I stand up and check one last time that the tape in the VCR is 'Night of the Living Dead' and not 'Raunchy Red Heads'. I sat on my couch and I waited for you, the pizza cooled and the little pools of grease settled on the floating pepperonis. I almost stood up an called your cell a couple of times, but I trusted you'd show up. An hour had past an I was really starting to worry. I needed to tell you Scully, so I called your cell phone. There wasn't an answer, and it finally dawned on me... what if you didn't want me? What if you didn't need me, like me, love me? I began to feel dizzy Scully, and the back of my eyes began to sting with the tears which would soon flood my eyes. Suddenly the sharp bring of the telephone echoed throughout my empty apartment. I walked over to the phone, a pit in my stomach. I knew it was you- that you were calling to tell me it wouldn't work out, we could only exist inside of work and hang up- without a goodbye. But as I picked up the phone and raised it to my ear, my entire body tensed up to the point of pain. I swallowed hard, and I remember my dry tongue darting out to wet my even dryer, chapped lips. "Mulder" I sputtered out. But it wasn't your voice that met me, I would have rather heard your voice no matter how distanced or how angry you may have been then the clipped, business like voice that greeted me on the line.
I knew Scully, I knew just then. I didn't need to hear the words- I knew what the voice would say- I have heard them, even said them before. I drop the receiver and sprint out the door not bothering with a jacket, although it is a cold, cold January night. I do no let the words sink in- I can not let them. I can not believe them- I can't let them be true... I have to say goodbye- I never got to say goodbye. I didn't need to hear the detached voice tell me what has happened, I knew... I knew. I didn't want to hear it said aloud...
I pulled up in front of St. Mary's Emergency Room, leaving my car door open and the car running outside. I don't know how I got to the hospital. I can't remember any of the
journey after the call and I'm surprised I didn't kill myself by crashing the car as I'm sure my mind wasn't on the road. But at that point, I doubt if I'd have even cared if I lived or died. I rush into the emergency room, the bleak and barren white walls shocked me at first. They must have thought I was mad, the way I came barreling into the waiting room "Where is she!" I scream, my throat raw before someone finally approaches me. They touched my arm but I pushed them away, their touch searing my skin. I ran past the nurses to where the ambulances pull in. A man spotted me and ran over to me. I stare into his eyes searching for answers. "Agent Mulder?" he asked, knowing it was me. I nod and he continues, "Please sit down" we sit in the hard plastic chairs with the molded seats, but I didn't want to sit, I wanted to see you. He began "I'm so sorry..." but that was all I really heard. I knew the rest- I could sense it. I picked up on a few key elements but the rest was a foggy haze in my mind. Concussion, broken leg- car totaled, snapped neck- back broken in three places... tried for 20 minutes at the scene, nothing more they could do... they lost you Scully... they only tried for 20 minutes Scully, and you were gone. I tuned in again when he said it though... a drunk driver Scully. You've been by my side for 8 years fighting psychopaths, mutants, aliens and government conspiracies. You've been shot, abducted, broken and battered, slimed, and grimed. You fought and *won* against a cancer they said would kill you, you've lost everything and everyone dear to you and yet you hung on. And a fucking teenage drunk driver... a highschool kid driving with his buddies- is how you end? Scully... he walked away without a scratch- not a broken bone or a bruise... and you didn't walk away at all. You wore the sweater Scully... bu... but it was no longer the soft baby blue, it was a stiff and sickening purple as the blood oozed through it to the point of saturation. The crash photos made me vomit. Your poor little Taurus looked like an accordion, and Scully... they didn't even clean off all the blood. The asshole that did this to you isn't even sorry, he doesn't even *remember* the crash. The judge let him off Scully, with no charges, no jail time. And apology note to your mother is all that he has to do and he goes free. Don't worry Scully I didn't let him go free. I showed him our picture Scully... the one the gunmen took of us when we were both smiling, caught off guard after celebrating a case solved. I tried to make him see the life he destroyed. He didn't even say he was sorry to me, just pushed right past me.
I miss you so much Scully. I call your apartment at night sometime, expecting you to answer- and crying even harder when you don't. I haven't returned to work- I don't think I ever will. You were all I had left Scully. I wear your cross, I never will remove it. Your mother gave it to me, after the funeral. I don't- can't except that you are really gone. I stand here, near your grave- it really is quite beautiful. It's snow covered now, and it's on a hill Scully, near a tree overlooking the lake. You'd like it... I've convinced myself of that. I've also convinced myself that I will like it here too- I've told your mother so. But I came here Scully, I came here to tell you I love you more then life itself and I can never be without you. To tell you everything I never had the nerve to tell you in life... To tell you goodbye.
With that final goodbye Mulder reached down to his holster, unsnapping the clip before removing his Sig Sauer and raising the barrel of his Bureau issue weapon to his temple.
The End