Hi-so I know I've been out this fandom for a while but that's because I have a major Ross whump story coming up and it's needed a lot of planning and research

This was written after the Emma arrival so...I truly think that the big secret is that she tried to kill one of the boys when she was young presumably Finn or Ross which is why Pete and James are having the reactions that they are...

Disclaimer-If I owned Emmerdale the first thing I would do is kill of, Moira, Adam, Bernice, Laurel...you get the picture...(no offense if you like any of these characters Please read and review

Please read and review

Whiskey

In which Ross goes to see Emma, has an epiphany and realises that there's something he needs to do-includes James/Ross bonding moment.

He doesn't know what he is doing. He doesn't know what he was doing when he downed a quick shot of something and nicked the address from his brother's phone. And really did Finn have to make his password that easy to hack?

Ross knows this is the bone of contention in his family; his mother has been one of those conversations that were never mentioned alone with the reason why she left both before and after Finn's bombshell. He sympathises with Pete of course naturally she wasn't there for anything or any of them growing up. But still there is a part of him that agrees with Finn that they should give the woman a chance especially now they know about Moira and Adam and the rest of the dirty secrets-though his dad claims there are no more.

So he bottles his emotions, downs another scotch gives Adam his average scowl and then storms out the pub his hands shaking.

The house is pretty decent-clean and well put together but it lacks something that even the farm had when he came home to his dad. He thinks it might be warmth or at least the knowledge of what was lurking behind the front door-although he never really did know that when he was at the farm.

But he is Ross Barton after all so he takes a deep breath and knocks on the door. Stupid shaking hands.

She opens the door and he knows that Finn got this right despite his dad's assurances the he hasn't. It's the gut clenching feeling and he just knows who this is standing in front of him. His mother is surprisingly young and pretty with wide brown eyes and brown hair and he feels his shoulders relaxing and his throat knotting because this is his mother…

He doesn't know what to say to her but it seems that he doesn't need to as her eyes widen on sight "Ross?" she asks and Ross nods unable to stop himself because he has been waiting for this for a long time no matter how much he acts like he doesn't.

"Mum" it's a broken and cracked syllable and Ross hates himself for how weak he sounds but he cannot help it…screw Pete and his dad, screw everything …he damn well wants this…

She hugs him then, honest to God hugs him right on the street and Ross doesn't stop himself from hugging her back, it's strange hugging her hugging his mother, he's become so accustomed as a kid to hugging his dad that hugging her is strange.

The last women that he cared about that he hugged was Donna…

She pulls back letting him enter. The house is cold but homey and he sits down feeling awkward why his mother…his mother prattles on and makes him tea. She slides the cup to him and he sips before realising she's added the sugar and milk without asking him, she's done it the way he likes it without realising. She sees the look on his face and backtracks. "Do you like it another way?" she asks and he shakes his head "It's just the way I have it" she confesses, and for some strange reason it makes him want to cry because he has the same tea order as his mum.

"It's fine" he mutters and his mum nods "I suppose…" she trails off and Ross swallows because he spent so much time getting the courage to do this that now he's here he doesn't know what to say.

"I don't know what to say" he confesses and she nods "That's fine" she bites her lip "Finn said you were into cars" Ross snorts because cars is the least of his problems right now "Yeah" he says taking another gulp of tea "And other things" he mutters under his breathe.

"Are you seeing someone?" she asks and it's a simple enough question but it reminds him of the one person he would kill to see again and he swallows bitterly against the memories.

If he breaks in front of one of his parents he knows without a shadow of a doubt which one it would be.

"I was once" he mutters and maybe his mum cottons on that this was a big mistake and that she needs to change the subject now. "Are you happy?" she asks and Ross blinks-never before has he ever had someone ask him that question "I was once" he admits thinking back to that summer that he thought would never end and that moment when he allowed himself to be happy, allowed himself the chance to believe he could have it all, the girl and the chance to be a dad…

"Ross…did you ever talk to your dad about this?" she asks before elaborating "I think your desperately unhappy-and if your dad did as well of a job as Finn says he did then maybe you should talk to him, or…you know you could talk to me…"

He wants to, he really wants to. He wants to curl up and watch trashy TV and cry and drink and hide from the world and pretend for just one day that he isn't invincible, he wants to allow himself to cry and talk to someone-a member of his family that won't view him as a joke or shoot him down without really listening to him, but he can't because that's admitting defeat and therefore he becomes vulnerable. And if there's one thing that Ross will never be seen to be is weak.

"I can't do this" he says feeling the pounding in his head explode "I want to but it's…I want to see you again and I want to…I'll let Finn know when I can come again…I'm sorry but this…" he shrugs gesturing and she tells him she understands but she doesn't (nobody does) and then he's out the house so fast that he's like lightening.

He stops off at David who gives him his bottle of whiskey without looking up from his training book and he chokes down the bile in his throat to swallow the bitter liquid.

He stumbles to sit down at the steps where he and Donna once stood at and swallows mouthful after mouthful. It's either drinking or crying and he doesn't know which one he wants to do more.

"What the hell are you doing?" comes a voice from the corner of the street and Ross doesn't even have to look up to know that that voice is his father. "Ross it's freezing what the hell?" he feels something slip over his shoulders and only know does he realises that he's shaking with what he suspects is a mixture of hurt, cold and the adrenaline of the last two hours.

His dad sits down next to him gently prying the bottle out of his hands setting it on the ground and Ross just lets him his hands shaking too much to do anything anyway.

"I went to see her" he admits and it feels like something dirty he's confessing too and his dad sucks in a breath like he's been punched and Ross just screws his face up. He heard an unscrewing of the bottle top and he turns around to see his dad downing another mouthful of the whiskey.

"How was she?" he asked and Ross paused "Normal, I think, she has her tea the same way I do"

His dad stared and Ross shook his head "She asked me if I was unhappy" he admitted and his dad paused taking another swig from the bottle "Are you?" he asked and he paused really thinking about the answer "Yes" he confessed staring into the vast emptiness of the dark and wow it feels good to get that off his chest. "Donna?" his dad askes and he shrugs to himself "You know maybe even before that" he confesses before laughing to himself, "You know I had a plan, after the job, after you lot were safe I was gonna take em someplace far her and April, I was gonna get to be the one that she called Daddy and I was gonna be happy…" he trailed off bitterly swigging a shot of the whiskey handing the bottle back with shaking fingers.

"So yes I am unhappy" he stated and his dad nodded "I suppose you have a reason to, but just because Donna's gone doesn't mean you will never get that again with another woman"

Ross snorted "You sound like Pete-do you know what he did-I was stood at her grave and he told me my feelings didn't matter and I should just do what I apparently do best and jump into bed with the nearest thing with good legs"

He could feel his dad frowning next to him "Oh" he said and Ross nodded shaking what little whiskey there was left in the bottle before taking another gulp "She's nice" he repeated "But you have nothing to worry about" he shot his father a wry look "I know what the hell you were doing out here and it sure as hell wasn't to check on me"

His father at least had the decency to look ashamed with himself.

"Finn doesn't think so" he muttered and Ross turned his head suddenly overcome with some strange emotion. It struck him odd how insecure his father still was even when all he had ever shown to the three of them was complete confidence when they had been growing up.

"He wanted some answers-we all did really" he confessed "Even Pete though he'll deny it till you put him in the ground" he paused when the one question he really wanted to ask fell out "It wasn't Moira though was it? Not all of it, there was something else wasn't it-that made her leave?"

He watched in the dark as something twisted on his dad's face "Nothing you need to worry about" he said finally and Ross knew well enough when to stop the conversation even when he feels blinding close-maybe him and his dad are alike in that retrospect. "Whatever" he sighed "For what it's worth I would chose you over her every time-even if we did row all the time"

There was a strange choking noise and Ross looked down because he wasn't going to start anything now. "This night never happened" he muttered slamming the bottle down before standing up but before he could he felt something that felt like two arms wrap around him and he realised with a frightening sense that he was hugging his dad…the last time that had happened he had left and well…and like he did then he found himself hugging back.

"This never happened" his dad repeated pulling apart and Ross rolled his eyes "For what it's worth I think you would have been a great dad" he nodded kicking a stray bit of dirt. "Yeah" he said finally "I think I would have been too"

It's mess up and screwed up and nothing is right but for a few hours it feels like maybe his head is clearer-maybe tonight he can sleep easy for the first time.

Maybe…

And on that note please tell me what you thought...