This story takes place after Book 3, Chapter 16: The Southern Raiders and before Chapter 17: The Ember Island Players. Contains heavy making out but little explicit content. Read at your own discretion.
Disclaimer - Avatar: The Last Airbender and all related characters, locations, ridiculously awesome ideas, etc. are the exclusive property of Michael Dante DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko. Please continue to support this wonderful franchise even though M. Night's adaptation sucked something fierce.
"I can't believe that man!"
Zuko awoke in a startled flash, and one hand was already reaching for his duel swords. The raging sound of anger and frustration had disturbed his sleep, but in some ways it had been a merciful disturbance. For the ten thousandth time, his rest was plagued by the hellish memory of his father laying his hand on the left side of his head, covering his eye with his palm before igniting it and setting his face ablaze. This was his greatest nightmare, and the only escape was waking up.
"Always has to have things just his way," the shouting continued. "He'll never understand what I need." Now fully conscious, Zuko could tell that the voice belonged to Suki. And if the voice was Suki, there was only one boy she could be talking about. Sokka, her boyfriend from the Southern Water Tribe.
Zuko clutched his hair into his hands and groaned. He had to force himself to relax. He no longer wanted to feel angry, but after the horror of his dream and the shock of the yelling, it was harder to control it. Taking deep, slow breaths, Zuko concentrated on what calmed him; memories of his mother Ursa and of his uncle Iroh. He hadn't seen his mother in nearly six years, and he wasn't even sure she was alive. The Fire Lord (he refused to even think of him as his father anymore) had merely said, "Perhaps," in response to the question, and given who answered it, it was highly unlikely that she was still in this world. Iroh was still there, that was for certain. No Fire Nation prison could contain his uncle and they would never track him down. But even though it had been barely a month since he last saw Iroh, his desire, no, his need to see him was even greater than his longing for his mother.
And then there was Mai. Gloomy, caustic, wonderful Mai. Zuko tried not to think about his former girlfriend, who he had abandoned for the sake of joining the Avatar and teaching him firebending so he could face the Fire Lord and bring an end to this war. It had been difficult to tune her out of his mind before, because he truly, deeply cared about her. But after his visit to the Boiling Rock with Sokka, after her furious outburst against him in the prison cell, it was impossible not to think of her. He was certain that he was the worst boyfriend in the history of boyfriends.
"Hey, you okay Zuko?"
Apparently, he was also the worst quiet breather. Zuko looked up at Suki. Her expression was difficult to read, a bizarre mixture of concern for him and anger and frustration at something. Sokka, Zuko reminded himself. She was one of the last people he wanted to be thinking about at this moment. Flustered and desperate to return to his thoughts, Zuko quickly just told the truth.
"Not really. I had a nightmare."
Suki laughed weakly, and Zuko glowered at her. She stopped laughing and seemed to study his face to see if he was lying. "Aren't you a little old to be afraid of bad dreams?" she asked quietly but sincerely. Zuko turned his head away and looked at the candle that was unlit beside him. He lightly breathed fire onto the wick, bringing light to the tent that was barely big enough for him. As he did this, he pondered her question. Was he too old for this? Should he be able to overcome the events that haunted him?
Subconsciously, his left hand touched the scar and rubbed it. And he knew the answer.
"I have more reason to have nightmares than the average person," Zuko replied. He then looked at Suki, staring into her innocent eyes. "Average people don't have their face scarred and deformed by their...parents." He still could not bring himself to say "father". He wondered if he ever would, and then realized he didn't really care.
"Well, I'm sure all naughty Fire Nation kids are punished like that," Suki responded in a sickeningly sing-song voice. "What did you do, take an extra handful of fire flakes when you weren't supposed to?" Zuko growled, and Suki lost her sense of humor. She was now deadly serious, and a little bit afraid. Zuko sighed. "No. The Fire Lord burned my face because I spoke out of turn at a war meeting. A general wanted to sacrifice one of our younger squadrons as a decoy. I spoke against this, because those were honorable soldiers who loved and fought for their country. Of course, I had spoken out of turn at the Fire Lord's meeting, and it was disrespectful to him. He...overreacted...a bit."
Zuko buried his face in his arms and glared at his knees. The whole incident made him sick. What kind of parent could do that to their child? He knew the Fire Lord was sick and that he had been disrespectful. He wouldn't have shied away from a fair punishment, either. But to scorch his face, to permanently scar him, to mark his as a failure for the rest of his life? That wasn't fair. It was cruel. Zuko wanted to yell and to cry all at once. Ironically, he laughed. It was a hollow, humorless laugh.
"I'm sorry," said a kind voice, one that wrapped him up in invisable arms of comfort.
Lost in his thoughts again, Zuko had forgotten that Suki was even there.
"That's horrible. I...I can't even imagine how that makes you feel. I shouldn't have joked about it. I'm terribly sorry, Zuko."
Zuko looked into Suki's eyes. They were almost shaking, and the banished prince knew why. His eyes often shook just like her's were right now. It was the result of the desperate need to cry mixed with the pride of a warrior who would never allow tears to fall. This was the first time he saw it in the eyes of a girl, and he had to admit that the sight made him somewhat uncomfortable. But it also made him respect her far, far more than her honest apology did.
"I forgive you, Suki," he said. It was the first time he had called the Kyoshi Warrior by her name.
She smiled, a broken and crooked smile that said she was unhappy, but that he had made her slightly less so. "Do you mind if I sit down in here? With you?"
Zuko felt mixed emotions about the last two words. "With you?" With him? Somebody wanted to be with him? Somebody valued him enough to want to spend time with him? But then, it probably meant nothing. She was Sokka's girlfriend. Besides, he still felt loyal to Mai, even though that ship had most likely sailed. But then...he was horribly lonesome. And there was a girl in his tent. And now that he looked at her, he realized she was a very, very pretty girl. Uncommonly pretty. He stopped himself. He didn't like where those thoughts were going. Did he mind her sitting in here? With him?
"Zuko, it's okay if you don't want me here," she amended hurriedly, as though she had committed a great crime and was trying to make things right. And Zuko couldn't blame her. He was on edge so much and his answers were very sporadic and moody. She probably expected to be burnt to a crisp. He chuckled to himself.
"No, I don't mind," he answered in a voice nearly devoid of emotion.
Her head swayed from side to side, looking for a seat, but finding nothing. "Here." Zuko tossed her a pillow. She smiled her thank you and bent down to place the cushion where she wanted to sit. Her clothes fell and rested on the curves of her hips as she did this, and Zuko became keenly aware of the exact shape of them. He gulped, praying to the spirits that it had been silent. After what seemed like hours but was only a few moments, Suki turned around and sat on the pillow crossing her legs. She placed her hands on her knees the same way Zuko always did, and they stared at each other.
Zuko figured that he ought to initiate conversation with her. She was a guest in what amounted to his home at the moment. "So...um...nice weather outside...today...huh?" he stammered. He knew he wasn't very good at small talk, but his feeble attempts just shoved that fact right back in his face.
"Yeah. It's...great," Suki answered tentatively. "Not a cloud in sight. You can see all the stars."
"Is...that why you were outside?" Zuko inquired. "To look at stars?" He knew it wasn't the reason, but he felt he shouldn't let her know that he had heard her complaints.
"No," she said in a way that disturbingly reminded Zuko of a prickle snake hissing. "I'm...angry with Sokka. We had a...a disagreement. He won."
"Oh," Zuko deadpanned.
Awkward silence fell between them. They both twiddled their thumbs nervously. Zuko didn't know what to do here. How was he supposed to comfort this girl? Mai was always gloomy, but Suki was usually happy and perky. Gloomy wasn't becoming of her. But how should he go about trying to fix it? Was it even his place to fix it? Zuko now wished intensely that he had payed more attention to his uncle's interactions with the various women they met in their travels. Iroh had a way with women; he could always calm them down and make them feel better. Zuko just made them feel...odd.
The near silence was killing him. "So then, what were you fighting about?" he asked.
To his surprise, Suki's cheeks suddenly went bright red. Her blushing was the last thing he expected. He was ready for an angry explosion that would make Sokka out to the be the second coming of Sozin, or a lengthy monologue about how it wasn't her fault, or even a tearful outburst as she poured out her heart. But instead she was blushing. "Uh...I don't really think I should talk about it," she whispered, barely loud enough for Zuko to hear her.
"Oh, don't worry, I won't tell Sokka," Zuko said. And he meant it. He wasn't about to tell Sokka that his girlfriend was now making herself quite comfortable on his pillow. In his tent. They had just recently become true friends after their escape from the Fire Nation prison where they had rescued Suki in the first place. He had no intention of ruining that friendship already. Even if it wasn't really his fault...
"No, no, no," Suki violently shook her head. "It's kind of, well, what I mean is, it's uh, sort of, I guess, a little, you know, er..." Suki's hands, which had been moving erratically in what Zuko imagined was an attempt to pantomime her message, had stopped moving. She was staring at him with her mouth still open. Zuko didn't realize that his right eye was wide open and his left eye was only slightly less wide open, making it obvious that he was vexed at Suki's inane rambling.
Suki covered her face with her hands, and then pulled them down her face, her lower eyelids coming down with her fingers temporarily. She sighed heavily, and then finished her thought. "...private."
Zuko had guessed it could be something like this. "Oh, I see. He asked you to sleep with him, didn't he? And you didn't want to, so you left, and now you're angry."
Suki meekly answered, "Well, you're half-right."
Zuko was still baffled. "Why only half?" Clearly embarassed, Suki seemed to struggle for a proper explanation of what transpired. Finally, she clarified her sentiment. "I was the one who wanted to sleep with him, and he doesn't want to."
THAT was not an answer Zuko was prepared to respond to.
"Oh..." Zuko's jaw had just become extremely heavy, and impossible to hold up. More than any girl he had ever met, except for Song in the Earth Kingdom, Suki was a symbol of innocence. She was the last woman he ever expected to be begging her boyfriend for fleshly pleasures. He also couldn't believe that Sokka would turn her down.
"Don't look at me like that," she snapped, and turned her face away from the firebender, pursing her lips. Zuko realized that he had been acting very rudely, but he wasn't fully with himself at the moment. "I'm sorry, Suki," he apologized, almost begging her not to be angry. "It's just, well, I didn't expect a girl like you to..."
"I'm not a slut," she said with a flat menace.
"Uh," he breathed. "I didn't say you were, I just..."
"Thought it."
Her incriminating glance made Zuko want to disappear. He scratched and clawed through his mind, searching for words that were incredibly difficult to say. "Uh...er...well...see...I...no...um...just..." Now he was the babbling moron. His lips and tongue were failing him, refusing to put coherent sentences together. "Didn't...think...either," he forced out.
"You don't?" she implored, her eyes moist from tears that were about to fall. Far from looking like a brave and capable warrior, Suki now looked defenseless and terrified. Her face said that she was pleading for someone to accept her now. Zuko's similar feelings, and her weakened state, gave him the courage he needed. He intoned his next words very carefully, putting emphasis on each one to make sure she heard them.
"No, I don't think you're a slut. I am just surprised and a bit lost."
Suki seemed to calm down a little. Relieved that he hadn't made things worse, Zuko decided to risk further interrogation. "I just didn't expect a girl like you to um, want that sort of thing. It seems to matter to you, but I don't understand why it matters so much."
"I have been in prison on an island in the Fire Nation for so long I can't even count the days." Suki breathed the words harshly, as if it hurt just to say them. "I was tortured, stripped of my identity, thrown in a cell and forgotten about. Every night I cried myself to sleep and thought about Sokka." Zuko realized that she was still fighting to keep the tears in. "And then, after I had finally given in and lost hope, Sokka came in and he rescued me." She was losing the battle with her eyes. "Tonight, I wanted to show him how grateful I was. We are finally away from his father, and I wanted to give myself to him. And he..." Suki wiped away the first cold drop from her lashes, "...rejected me."
She hid her face in her hands. And she wept. Tiny beads of sorrow escaped from her eyes, and slid down her cheeks and through her fingers, covering her hands. For a moment, Zuko simply sat and watched her sob. Then, he came back to his senses. In a rush to comfort her, the prince removed his tunic and swiftly crawled closer to her. He brushed the cloth against her arm, and she moved her hands from her visage long enough to see what had touched her. She quickly snatched the shirt and buried her eyes in it. Zuko let her cry for a minute, and then placed one arm across her shoulders. He said nothing, knowing that she needed to cry and words could not soothe her suffering.
Gradually, her weeping died down. She removed her hands from her face and looked at the wet tunic, and then at Zuko's hand on her right shoulder. He prepared to move it if she didn't want it there, but to his surprise she placed her hand on his. Her skin was soft and warm and made Zuko relax. And shiver.
He reached down and grabbed his shirt, and used it to wipe the tears from her eyes. With tender care that belied his harsh demeanor, he lightly rubbed her cheeks and under her eyelids, collecting the moisture until Suki's face was completely dry. She sat still during this whole ordeal, allowing Zuko to play caretaker. Her only movements were a few heavy breaths and sniffles as she tried to calm herself.
Suki opened her eyes, and she saw Zuko's face. Scarred as it was, right now, it was the most wonderful face in the world. She had confided a dark secret to him, and he did not judge. Rather than condemn her, his first instinct had been to comfort her. His gaze showed deep caring, but you could only see it by looking into his eyes, for the rest of his face showed no emotion besides the stony grit of a well-trained soldier. Suki realized she shared much in common with Zuko. They were both warriors far from home, under deep personal stress and struggling to keep themselves from falling apart. Unlikely though it was, they were kindred spirits. He understood her, and she understood him.
Her heart was beating faster and faster now, both confusing and inspiring her. Impulsively, she raised her hands up to feel the skin on his face. On one side, it was firm and solid and strong. On the other, it was rough and pliable and vulnerable. The contrast intrigued Suki, and she stared even more intently at her rescuer's eyes, as if he was the only man in the world, and she the only woman. Once again, she acted on impulse.
She kissed Zuko.
Her lips pressed against his, lingering for a few seconds. It was neither aggressive nor tentative. She was sure that this was what she wanted, so she did not hesitate, but she didn't want to push her luck. He squeezed her shoulder tightly at the first meeting of their mouths, but he did not back away from it. It was Suki who broke the kiss, and for several moments the two merely looked into each others' eyes. The four irises were full of questions, examining their inner wants and seeking the wants of the other. Suki was asking Zuko if he wanted her to kiss him again. Zuko was asking her if she wanted to kiss him again. And they were both asking themselves if they wanted to kiss each other again.
For Suki, the answer was an absolute, certain, irrefutable "Yes."
She ran her fingers through his dark hair and around to the back of his head. They clasped his neck and pulled him closer to her. She leaned forward and, sensing no resistance, placed her lips against his once more. This time, she did not tighten them together, but left them open. Suki breathed into Zuko, and Zuko breathed into Suki. They closed their jaws lazily until all four lips were touching. They stayed still, taking in the warm, wet contact between themselves. Slowly, they separated once again, and resumed looking at each other.
Zuko's eyes were focused and foreboding. And beautiful.
Suki inhaled and exhaled slowly, as if this precious moment would be lost forever upon the completion of that breath.
And she kissed him again. And again.
And again.
She was all over him. Engulfing him. One hand placed on the back of his head kept him from pulling away from her. The other was nimbly moving across his neck, shoulders, chest and back. Her lips did not loiter for more than a second on any one kiss, covering his face. His mouth, his cheeks, his forehead, and his eyelids all received affection. To his shock, she didn't even hesitate to kiss his scar. If anything, she was more tender there.
Zuko was too terrified to stop her. And he wasn't even sure that he wanted to.
His lips certainly didn't mind. Every time hers stopped to press against them, they pursed and kissed her back. He wasn't kissing her. His lips had to be acting of their own volition, disobeying the commands from his brain. Even his body considered him a banished prince, something to be ignored. First his lips. And then his hands. He wanted to pull away from her. If he couldn't, then he wanted to keep them on her shoulders. In open and mocking revolt, they left their posts and glided down to grab her waist.
Apparently, that was all the invitation Suki needed. She threw herself at Zuko, pressing her breasts against his bare chest, provoking an uncomfortable amount of excitement in the firebender. She had also lost what little restraint she had shown in her kisses. Now she traveled to his neck, to his shoulder blades and to his collar bone, pressing herself against his body and leaving small, wet puddles where her lips had been. Zuko's heart was racing, and he could feel his body temperature rising.
Firebenders were not like other benders, who molded the elements around them, shaping them to their will. Instead, they relied on their own inner energy. Releasing it produced heat, and fire. Their sweat, their tears, and their breath is much warmer than any other human. This helped them during combat, but also served to make Zuko's body very, very hot under the stress of her sweet assault on his senses. As Suki explored his body, he breathed summer over her shoulders and down the neck of her shirt, causing her to gasp.
Her journey of seduction came to an abrupt halt, and both of her hands clasped against Zuko's neck. Once again their lips touched, but this was much more aggressive. Zuko's hot breath filled her mouth and she moaned into his. She tilted her head slightly to change the sensation, and to prolong it. Vaguely aware that Suki was now on her knees, Zuko practically suffocated from the embrace. Her saliva was sweet poison, a venom of intoxication and infatuation that brought him to ecstasy.
Zuko stopped pretending. His body wasn't in rebellion. He wanted this. He needed this. Whether it was Suki's body getting more and more intertwined with his or his overwhelming loneliness, this was exactly what he desired. His fingers dug into her shirt, feeling the tender, frail body beneath the cloth. They darted up and down her back, and soon his left hand was in her hair. Quickly, effortlessly and thoughtlessly, he undid her top knot and let the strands drown his hand. And Zuko kissed Suki.
Suki slid her hands to his chest and started to massage them gently. There was no need to press Zuko's lips against hers any longer, for he was doing that willingly and expertly. Her fingers opened and closed, the nails lightly digging into his pecs, not hurting him, but making him tremble next to her. They flattened again, and Suki shoved him down and onto the sleeping bag that served as his bed. Grabbing the pillow that she had been sitting on a second ago, she raise her unanticipated lover's head up, consciously driving his face into the softness of her chest, and placed the cushion where his head had been. She released her grasp and his head fell to the space she prepared for him.
Her legs were on either side of his torso, straddling him. His hands were now resting on the fronts of her thighs, and his mouth was agape, filled with shock. Certain the look of perplexed pleasure in Zuko's eyes was caused by the sudden contact with her breasts, she smirked. She was not Suki the innocent little girl, or even Suki the proud Kyoshi Warrior. This was Suki the Temptress, and she had found her Tempted One. Licking the top of her bottom lip greedily, she dove into Zuko's mouth with her own. She poured oxygen into him, and then thrust out with her tongue. It grazed the tip of Zuko's, and then covered it. Soon, their tongues were wildly thrashing about, wrestling each other in a contest of carnal fury.
The roles were reversed now. It was Zuko's hand on her neck, pushing her deeper inside of him, beseeching her to explore further. Taking the hint, she licked every surface she could reach inside his mouth, from the roof to the sides and even his teeth, familiarizing herself with every last detail. And Zuko was doing the same probing on her end. So intense was their kissing that Suki barely noticed her hands sweeping over his abdominal muscles or her legs tightly squeezing his hips together.
She did notice his hands on her back, half-scratching and half-squeezing her. Delighting in his touch, Suki broke the kiss and groaned wordless encouragement into his ear. Zuko continued to stroke her, grasping a handful of her blouse and letting it go before pushing softly against her. He curled his fingers and moved them across her spine, causing her to writhe in arousal. With the same stealthy grace she used to stalk trespassers on Kiyoshi Island, Suki moved her hand out from between them and lightly took his wrist in her hand. Now she could control the rhythm of his caresses.
She gently guided his hand with hers, moving slowly or quickly according to her whim, and stopping whenever his hand passed a particularly sensitive spot. After two of these pauses, Zuko must have realized the reason, and the next time she stopped moving he squeezed the area. Suki adored this, letting out soft whimpers that bordered on the involuntary. With her left hand she rummaged through his hair once more, and then let the cool backside of her hand brush against his scorching brow. Their sweat mixed, and Suki loved the warm sensation. Once more, she engaged in a spirited and almost violent kiss with Zuko.
Suki was almost at her breaking point. Even though this make-out session was entirely spur of the moment, it was just as sweet and intense as any she had shared with...what was that Water Tribe boy's name again? She was lost in passion, and seemed to forget everything before the moment when Zuko wiped away her tears, saving her from her depression. It was as if she had never lived before this. Now that she was alive, Suki wanted to do more than kiss her rescuer.
Sensing that a verbal request would break the mood, Suki decided to physically show him her designs, moving his left hand down from her back and past her belt...
Zuko woke up.
Not from sleep, but from the almost trance-like state he had been in. This awakening was not into reality, but into another dream, a memory. He was still laying on his back and wildly kissing a girl, but this one had paler skin and darker hair. Her kisses were fully on his mouth, just as the previous girl's had been, but they penetrated far past his skin and into his soul. These were not the hurried, uneven, and whimsically rash kisses of an infatuated and lovesick young girl, but the precise, purposeful, and quietly fierce kisses of a woman who loved him more than anything in the world. These were the kisses of a woman who would die for him, and a woman he would die without.
They were Mai's kisses.
They were kissing on Ember Island, after an emotional and revealing argument at a campfire. Ty Lee and Azula had been there as well, and the four Fire Nation teenagers had poured out their souls and vented their frustrations with each other. Well, except for Azula, but even she had been more exposed than normal. After crashing the party of a rich snob and burning his house to the ground, Zuko and Mai were in far better spirits. When they returned to their temporary abode, Mai had grasped his hand and led him to her room. Moments later, they were making up with each other, forgiving each other, a pardon through touch. All of their issues with each other seemed so petty and childlike. This is how they really were, how they were meant to be.
"Ouch," Zuko spat out.
Mai had given his right hand a hard, sharp smack.
"Not tonight, Zuzu," she teased, stealing the name his sister used. He hated it when Azula called him that, but melted whenever Mai used it. "I'm still mad at you." Her tone implied that nothing could be further from the truth. Zuko had sneaked his hand past her waist and lightly touched her bottom, only getting a brief taste of its inviting softness before her sudden chastisement. Zuko laughed, but if Mai didn't want to be touched there yet, he wasn't going to touch her. It didn't matter to him where they touched, so long as they touched.
"I love you Mai," he confessed.
Mai's lips contorted. "That's not exactly charming at the moment you know."
"But it's the truth!" Zuko declared, louder than he wanted to. "I do love you."
Mai sighed. She sighed often, but Zuko was learning the difference between her sighs of annoyance, her sighs of boredom, her sighs of contentment, and her sighs that were done simply to make him think about her breathing. This sigh was the last one.
"I suppose I still don't hate you," she conceded.
It would do. For now.
"I still don't hate you too."
Their lips met once more.
And Zuko woke up again.
He could feel cloth under his left hand. This was acceptable. Clothes were just clothes. And he had been paying generous amounts of attention to her back, which also felt like clothes. He relaxed. But something wasn't right. The texture was the same, but the shape was different. Instead of a slight decline, he felt a harsh, rounded curve. And then he realized what was under the clothes he felt. He opened his eyes, and looked over her shoulder, confirming the location of his hand.
This was not acceptable.
Zuko surveyed the situation. He was shirtless, and Suki, Sokka's girlfriend, was on top of him, her legs contorted around his waist in a very suggestive position, one hand in his hair, the other leading his hand across her bottom, and their lips were touching. None of this was acceptable.
This was too far. He had now gone farther with Suki than he had with Mai, his love.
The thought sickened him.
"Zuko?" Suki's soft voice interrupted his thoughts. "Are you alright?"
Suddenly very emotionally sober, Zuko tore his hands away from her body and clasped clumps of his hair. He growled furiously, and Suki sat up. Zuko looked at her and realized she was frightened. He had failed in his attempts to control his anger. But he was not angry with Suki. He was angry with himself. Forcing himself to calm down, he grabbed her by the waist and sat her next to him as gently as he could. Then he sat up and turned his back to her. He looked to his side and saw his shirt, and quickly threw it over himself, as if it could cover up his shame.
Zuko barely even registered that Suki was still in the tent with him. His fists once again clenched his hair and he could feel himself pull several strands out, but the pain barely registered. He let go of his hair and touched his face, and realized he was very damp. Control was a thing of the past. He was angry. Outraged. And now, he was crying, shedding silent tears only he was aware of.
Suki sat still. She hardly dared to think. For the second time in one night, a man had rejected her advances. Numbness coursed through her body, and she stared blankly at the wall of the tent. Unsure whether it was best to stay or to leave, to apologize or to shout in anger, she simply remained still and quiet. And she waited. And thought. And remembered.
As the adrenaline started to leave her system, clarity took its place. Once more, she was aware of her life before the wiping of the tears. She remembered her training on Kyoshi Island, the day the Avatar had come to their village, and how it was nearly burned to the ground by firebenders. One of those firebenders had his back turned to her right now. She remembered battling and defeating countless Fire Nation grunts as she and her fellow Kyoshi Warriors traveled across the Earth Kingdom. She remembered trekking through The Serpent's Pass, nursing a sick and hungry sky bison back to health, losing to a woman who could bend fire so hot that it burned blue, and spending months in prison.
And she remembered Sokka.
"Suki, listen to me," his strong, reassuring voice spoke in her head. "I am in love with you, and you mean more to me than I can say. I want to do what you're asking me to do. But this is dangerous. I can't."
"You're not going to hurt me," she pleaded. "Besides, even if you do, I want it. I want you."
He shook his head at the ground. "Suki, I'm not worried about hurting you. I'm worried about you hurting yourself. You don't need to be getting attached to me like this."
She was appalled. "And why shouldn't I? I love you Sokka, and I'm never going to love anyone more than I love you. Why shouldn't I be attached to you? Why can't I show you how much I love you the way I want to?"
"WE ARE AT WAR, SUKI!" Sokka yelled at her. She looked into his eyes. They were filled with rage...and suffering.
"Suki, I am a warrior, and I am fighting in this war. I don't have special powers like Katara or Toph or Zuko. I'm certainly not like Aang. I have a sword, a boomerang and a little bit of cunning, and that's how I fight an entire nation full of trained soldiers and ruthless firebenders. I am weak. If something should happen to me..."
"Don't even talk like that," Suki scolded, tears in her eyes now.
Sokka took a deep breath. "I have to Suki. If something happens to me, I want you to move on with your life. I don't want you to dwell on me. It's not healthy. I want you to find a good man and love him and marry him and have children. Right now, that's the plan I have to work with. You aren't mine, and I'm not comfortable taking your body when you aren't mine."
"You aren't taking it, Sokka!" she exploded. "I'm giving it to you!"
She was standing on her feet and glaring at him. Tears were in her eyes. She was irate with him...and scared about the situation that he was now discussing so calmly and rationally.
"It's still my choice," Sokka bowed his head in lament. "And I don't want it."
Suki could barely process the words.
"You...don't...want...me?" she asked, using every bit of strength to force her voice to work.
"Of course I want you," he said. "I want you more than anything. I just don't want your body. Not yet. After the war, if I'm here, when you're safe, when we're safe, I will do whatever you want."
Suki had reached her breaking point. She wiped away the tears from her eyes and threw them at Sokka as she would have done with her fan had she been holding it. Focusing very hard, she put as much spite as she could into the next words.
"Fine! You don't want my body now? Then don't expect it later!"
And she stormed out of the tent.
Now that she was remembering the argument and not experiencing it as it happened, Suki could see the incredible concern Sokka had for her. His eyes and his words made it crystal clear. And his logic was sound. Sokka had many faults, but he couldn't bear to let her suffer. She wanted him to love another if she was unable to love him. That was real love. Selfless. Pure.
Pure. The word pierced her heart like a komodo rhino's horn. She was anything but pure, especially now. Instead of being loyal to Sokka and obeying his wishes, which were in her best interests, she had instead gone to the tent of another boy and tried to fulfill her wishes. She felt dirty. And ugly. And unlovable.
For the third time that night, Suki's eyes watered with tears as she poured out her heart and soul. The first time she cried, it had been in fear and confusion. The second time, it was because she felt abandoned. Now, her sobs were grief-stricken. She felt hopelessly alone. And she deserved her loneliness, for she had brought it on her self.
Zuko heard Suki sobbing. Recalling that Sokka had rejected her earlier, he felt a tinge of guilt that he had to reject her now. Feeling that he had to do something, Zuko secured his shirt and turned his head to face her.
"Suki, I'm sorry," he began. "It's nothing personal, and don't think I rejected you..."
"I'm not crying because of you," she said through clenched teeth. "I'm crying because of me. You have nothing to be sorry about. I'm the one who's responsible. Blame me."
Now Zuko was entirely puzzled. Why was she all the sudden so full of repentance? "Well, you started it, but I didn't stop you," he confessed. "It's difficult to do that sort of thing without my help. I am just as much to blame, Suki."
"Whatever will help you sleep tonight," she said.
"Look, Suki, I didn't stop because I dislike you. I'm...just in love with somebody else. Which is stupid, because she probably hates me, and there's no point holding on to it," he admitted to himself. "But, I just can't let go of her yet. And I don't want to. I'm sorry."
His reasons for stopping were so eerily similar to her own reasons for crying that she forgot to continue. She barely sniffled as she took in what Zuko was saying. "And I don't love you either, Zuko. I love Sokka. Not that it matters. I've betrayed him by kissing you. I don't deserve him."
"Nobody ever deserves love. That's why it's so special. It is given without thought of worth."
Suki turned around and looked at Zuko. The words were definitely true, but she didn't expect them from Zuko, who rarely talked about love and never that eloquently.
"My uncle said that to me once," Zuko said. "I try to remember that."
Suki turned around, and Zuko followed her. They faced each other. This time, there was no desire in their eyes, no lust in their hearts, no passion in their souls. They simply looked at each other, and silently shared what they had in common. Two warriors, far from home and family. Two lovers, who had almost certainly ruined any chance they had of loving the ones they held dear. Two cheaters, who had found brief comfort in the arms of each other.
"Suki, you and I are friends, just like everyone else in this little group. I care about you. But I don't love you. Not like that."
"And I don't love you like that, either."
"I'm sorry about what happened between us. I love another woman, and you love another man. They deserve what we almost gave to each other. I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too. It won't happen again, Zuko."
"No, it won't. I promise."
They looked at each other, and smiled. They stood up, and shared a hug. This was one of friendship and acceptance. No ulterior motives, no deeper meaning. This is what they shared most of all. Suki left his tent without saying a word. Zuko fell to his knees and sprawled across his sleeping bag. The fog of exhaustion set it. He turned his gaze to the candle that was still burning, and blew it out.
The war was over. Zuko was the new Fire Lord. His father, Ozai, had fallen to the Avatar during the arrival of Sozin's Comet. He had just had his coronation ceremony, promising to bring peace and love to the other nations. His homeland had caused great hurt in the world, and now it was his duty to heal it. Once again, he was fighting to restore honor. This time, it was not his own personal honor, but the honor of his entire country.
Luckily, he wouldn't have to face it alone. He had his friends. And he had his love.
Mai was standing there, waiting for him.
He rushed to embrace her, and they held each other tightly. This was the hug of two people in love, a love that was unbreakable and would overcome any obstacle. It was everything that Zuko had ever wanted, and now he had it. He closed his eyes and thought to himself, "I am the luckiest man alive."
His eyes opened, and his eyes saw Suki. She was hugging Sokka as tightly as he was hugging Mai, and her eyes were closed in contentment. They opened, and looked at him. For a few seconds, they were back in Zuko's tent on Ember Island, playfully fondling each other in a bid to ease the longing in their hearts. They said nothing, and they exchanged guilty and embarrassed glances. Suki blushed, and Zuko felt pink rise in his cheeks as well.
But things were so different now. There was no pain, no loneliness, no reckless desire. Now, they longed for nothing.
Zuko looked into Suki's eyes. Suki looked into his. Their eyes said the words they couldn't say for fear that their lovers might ask questions.
"Nobody ever deserves love. That's why it's so special. It is given without thought of worth."
They held their undeserved lovers ever more tightly.