The Fine Line

By Santa Cruz Blues

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters from Sailor Moon.

Warning: This fanfiction deals with the very serious problem/concern of self-mutilation, particularly cutting. If this makes you feel squeamish, or hits too close to home I suggest you think very hard about reading it. I know this is a very personal matter for me, as I used to cut. I feel that writing about it is cathartic, and can help the healing process.

She dragged the blade across her skin, following the vein but careful not to sever it. She knew how to properly cut oneself, having years of practice. She was a veteran when it came to this race, and she knew that slow and steady would win it. Blood escaped from the wound, crafted a river flowing to the porcelain basin, creating first a puddle, then a lake in the white sink.

This was her release, her time, her escape from the horrid realities of life. Sure she had wealth, was handsome and beautiful, and very successful, but she had nobody to share it with. She had a few friends, but no one very close; except for her. Her secret love, her goddess.

But her goddess was held away, anchored down by a boyfriend. With that thought she made another cut, slicing alongside the last one. Keep each other company, she thought wryly. Her tanned arms were a spider web of scars. As the blood ran out so did the tears, never seen by anyone but herself. She did not cry at the physical pain, but rather at the emotional trauma. So many scars, so many scars. Suddenly she felt her phone vibrate in her pocket.

"Damn!" she said quietly, placing the knife in the sink and turning the water on to rinse her pain down the drain. She reached for the cell phone, not paying attention to who was calling. "Yeah?" she said into the phone, sounding annoyed.

"Haruka?" asked a tentative voice.

"Michiru?" Haruka responded. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound so cross. I'm kind of in the middle of something…"

"Oh, never mind then, I'll call Ami-chan," Michiru sighed.

"No, what's wrong? You sound upset," Haruka said.

"Tenchi-kun is cheating on me, Haruka," Michiru informed her friend, starting to cry.

"Oh, Michi, I'm sorry. Do you want me to come over?" Haruka added, trying to keep the joy out of her voice. She had never liked Tenchi. She thought he did not appreciate Michiru as much as she herself did. And now she was proven correct. The fact that they were rivals on the track team did not help matters much either.

"Would you? I-I don't want to be alone right now," she told her friend.

"I'll be there as soon as I can," she said before hanging up. She washed the blood off of her arm and wrapped a bandage around the wounds before rapidly leaving the bathroom. She stopped to grab a long sleeved shirt to cover the wounds with. She got her keys and exited her large house, running to the car.

She opened the door of the yellow convertible and started driving to Michiru's house, where she lived alone. They were both students at the University of the Arts in Tokyo, the most prestigious art academy in Japan. Michiru studied violin, and Haruka studied piano. Both were at the top of their concentrations. They met when auditioning for a duet, and each got a part. They became quick friends, and soon were seen nowhere without one another. Michiru knew Haruka was gay, and not only respected her friend, but was there for encouragement when other people made fun of her. This became complicated when Michiru began to date Tenchi, who was one of the loudest opponents of Haruka for various reasons, the largest of which was the fact that she happened to like women as well. Michiru was unaware of this, as the only interaction between Tenchi and Haruka was on the track, where they both competed.

Haruka kept it from Michiru that her boyfriend was not only rude to her, but made her life a living hell. If Michiru saw something in him, Haruka was not about to stop that, no matter what her own personal opinion on the matter might be.

As she neared the house of Michiru she began to feel woozy, but ignored it and finally arrived at the beautiful home of the famous violinist. Haruka exited her car, and had to pause for a moment lest she lose consciousness. She had cut too much this time. Too much blood had been shed in her masochism.

She carefully walked up to the front door and knocked. Almost immediately Michiru opened the door, tears streaming down her cheeks. She saw Haruka and smiled slightly.
"Did I wake you up?" Michiru asked. Haruka looked confused.

"No. Why?" she replied, trying to stay on her feet.

"You just look very out of it, and sounded irritated over the phone. Oh well. Oh, Haruka!" Michiru sobbed, running to the racer and burying herself in Haruka's trembling arms.

"Michi? Can we sit down? I don't feel so good all of a sudden," Haruka begged, trying to hug Michiru as strongly as possible.

"Of course. Come on," Michiru held onto Haruka's hand and led her to the living room. Michiru sat gracefully on the couch as Haruka more or less collapsed next to her.

"How exactly did you find out?" Haruka asked, breaking the awkward silence.

"So, I was walking to class, and caught sight of Tenchi-kun making out with another woman. In front of our friends! I ran back to my car and came home. I was too upset to go to class today," Michiru explained, sniffling. The tears had stopped their downward journey.

"Does he know you saw him?" Haruka asked. Michiru shook her head.

"No, not yet. I don't know how to talk to him about it. But he and I are through, that's for sure," she said with a sense of finality. Haruka nodded, and inside rejoiced. She started to feel hot, and asked Michiru for some water.

"Of course, Ruka. Thank you for coming over, I know you're really busy with running, racing, and practicing the piano all the time," Michiru said as she got up and went to the kitchen where she poured two glasses of water.

When she returned, Haruka was slumped over on the couch, taking up most of its space. Michiru giggled, and walked over, setting the glasses down on the coffee table and knelt next to the blonde.

"Haruka? Ruka? Come on sleepy head, it's not nap time right now," Michiru mumbled as she ran a hand through Haruka's tousled, sweaty hair. She frowned when Haruka did not respond. "Haruka, come on, it's time to wake up." She shook Haruka's shoulders lightly at first, and then with more force.

Unknown to Michiru, Haruka had fainted. She had cut herself so much and so deeply this time that the amount of blood she lost finally caught up with her. Sweat rolled down her brow, which was relaxed. Michiru stood up, unsure of what to do. She went back to the kitchen and got a cold cloth to put over Haruka's head, which she noticed was overheated. She returned, and was grateful to see Haruka moving, and slowly waking up.

"Michi? What happened?" Haruka asked, disoriented.

"You fell asleep, Haruka. But you must have been really tired, you didn't wake up when I shook you. Are you all right? You look really pale and feel very warm," Michiru told her, sitting on the arm of the couch next to Haruka's head. She dabbed at her friend's forehead, trying to cool her down. Haruka sighed in pleasure at the feel of the cold cloth.

"Wait, I'm here to comfort you, what is this?" Haruka asked jokingly. Michiru smiled. "Not that I'm complaining, mind you. I must be coming down with something, thank you Michiru. That feels wonderful." Michiru nearly blushed. Why am I blushing, it's just Haruka. Just, strong, tall, gorgeous Haruka…stop that! You just caught you're boyfriend cheating on you! It's too early to think of dating again, wait: who said anything about dating Haruka? What the hell is going on here? Much to Haruka's amusement, Michiru had started to pat her in the eye with the cloth, lost in her own thoughts about Haruka.

"Ahem, Michiru? You're poking my eye, and it doesn't feel too good," Haruka pointed out. Michiru looked down, and did blush this time.

"Sorry Ruka. I had my head in the clouds."

"Thinking about Tenchi?" Haruka asked sympathetically. Michiru looked happy to have something to think about that wasn't Haruka.

"Yeah. I guess it's for the best, he had started acting very oddly towards me. You know, not calling, being very cold, snapping at me. I think our relationship had run its course long before this," Michiru sighed. "I should have known after I started hearing the rumors."

"What rumors?" Haruka asked, taking a sip of her water.

"There were these rumors floating around that he was homophobic, and sexist, and that he hated you. Silly, huh?" Michiru looked over at Haruka, who was looking her best not to be there. "Haruka?" The blonde looked up.

"I'm sorry, Michiru. You shouldn't have heard about that. I did my best not to let you know…"

"Wait, so these weren't rumors? Damn it, Haruka, why didn't you tell me?" Michiru seethed at her friend. "You knew I was dating somebody who hated you, and you never told me?"

"You seemed happy, Michiru. I didn't want to be the reason that happiness ended," Haruka said meekly.

"Why, Haruka? You know our friendship is more important than any boyfriend I may have," Michiru said exasperatedly. "Especially if that boyfriend hates you. Did he ever bother you?"

Haruka laughed aloud. "When didn't he bother me. Actually, I was sort of happy you were dating him. He knew we are best friends, so he wouldn't harass me as much because we were always together. But during track…oh God, it's going to be terrible tomorrow," Haruka moaned. Michiru placed a hand on her shoulder. Haruka nearly jumped at the touch.

"I'm sorry, Ruka. I had no idea. If I had, I would have done something."

"There's nothing you could have done, love." Haruka's eyes opened wide when she realized what she said. She stood up quickly, intending to leave, but she still had not recovered all of her lost blood, so her eyes rolled back into her head and she passed out, falling into a heap on the floor.

"Haruka!" Michiru exclaimed, bending over to help her companion. It was then that she noticed a bloodstain on the runner's shirt. Michiru concluded that she must have bumped against the sharp end of the table, and unbuttoned her shirt to get at the offending cut.

"Oh my God!" Michiru whispered, taking in the dozens of cuts up and down Haruka's arms. Her fingers ran lightly over them, and stopped at the bandage, which was already heavily soaked with blood. "Haruka, why?" Michiru asked, not getting a response. She ran to her cell phone and dialed 911.

"Hello? Yes, my friend has, has cut herself, and she's unconscious. Please hurry," she told the operator, giving her the information as to how to how to get to her house, and ran back, lightly stroking the blonde's hair. "Oh Haruka, I love you, why would you do this to yourself, to me?" The tears couldn't come yet. She had to be strong, for both their sakes.

Ten minutes later she could hear an ambulance approach. She got up and met them at the door. They took over, assessing the situation and deciding on the best course of action. They put her onto a gurney, and took her into the ambulance, informing Michiru about which hospital they were taking her to so she could meet them there.

Michiru locked her house, jumped into her own car and raced to the hospital. She entered the lobby, and ran to the front desk.

"Excuse me? I'm looking for Tenoh Haruka, she was just brought in here a few minutes ago," she told the nurse.

"Let's see, Tenoh, Tenoh…ah, here we go. It looks like she's awake and under observation in the psych ward."

"The psych ward, but why?" Michiru asked, near tears.

"Because she tried to kill herself. That's where all of the attempted suicides go, miss."

"Oh, I see…" "Attempted suicide"? Haruka would never try to do that, would she? Michiru asked for her room number, and nervously went to the elevator. The door opened and she exited, feeling her anxiety level increase. She walked slowly down the hallway to Haruka's room, 114. She put an ear to the door, and wondered when she heard movement.

She threw the door open, and caught Haruka pulling her IV line out of her arm, and swinging her legs over the bed. She froze as she looked into the blue eyes of her love, who's eyes were gazing back into her own forests.

"Umm, hi, Michiru. What brings you here?" Haruka asked, scratching the back of her head.

"Gee, I wonder…Haruka, you're bleeding!" Michiru said, noting the blood trickling down from the IV line hole in her arm. Haruka waved it off.

"That? That's nothing. I've had worse," she said before realizing what she had said. It was then she noticed the tears welling in Michiru's eyes.

"Michiru?" Her green haired friend ran to the bed, sat down, and threw her arms around Haruka's shoulders.

"Oh Ruka, why would you do that? Why have you done all of this?" she gestured to the scars all over her arms.

"Because it helps me put the pain in my life into perspective. I have no family, no real friends, and nobody to love. Or who loves me," Haruka said honestly. "When I make the cuts, it gives me something else to focus on. Lately, the pain has been getting worse, thus the cuts have been getting more severe."

"Why has it been getting worse, Haruka?" Michiru whispered, afraid of the response.

"Because you've been gone. You're my only real friend, Michi. I don't know what I'd do without you. I don't want you to feel guilty, Michiru. This is my problem, not yours," Haruka answered.

"Oh, Ruka, you make my life so complicated. But, I can't imagine it without you in it. You're the first thing I look forward to when I wake up, and the last thing I think about when I go to sleep," Michiru admitted. Haruka turned to look at her.

"Michiru?"

"Haruka, I love you," Michiru told her.

"Not the way I want, Michi," Haruka responded.

"Maybe some day, I could," Michiru said shyly. Haruka gazed at her.

"What are you saying?" Michiru looked up into her eyes. The sea met the wind.

"I'm saying, that I want to take you out to dinner when you get out of the hospital," Michiru said shyly. Haruka grinned. She placed her hand underneath Michiru's chin, and lifted it. Their lips met tentatively, and then with more familiarity. It was the beginning of a lifelong love affair, which neither distance nor death could stop.

Whoo, that was a lot to type in an hour. I'm sorry it was sort of depressing, but it means a lot to me that people realize that this is an issue, and that for anybody out there who is currently experiencing this, know you're not alone. I'm here to talk, or to listen. Please read and review! Mwuah! Love to all my fans (all one of you).