Man: I have great news, Johnny. We're going to make your movie!
Johnny: Really?
Man: Of course! Just sign here, and it will be final!
[The man hands Johnny a contract, which he looks over carefully, then signs and hands it back.]
Man: Well, it's final. Congratulations are in order!
Johnny: Thanks... life's finally starting to look up for me.
[Johnny gets up and turns to leave.]
Man: I'm sure this movie will be success! It's so different, so... wacky.
[Johnny stops and gets that look.]
Johnny: What did you say?
Man: I said it's wacky! Positively, completely wacky!
[Johnny gets a sudden twitch in his eye. We cut to the door outside.]
Man: (from within) AHHHHHH!! OH GOD!! OH GOD, NO!!
Johnny: (from within) THAT'S NOT WACKY!! THIS IS WACKY!! BEHOLD THE
WACKY!! WACKY, WACKY, WACK-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
[A secretary sitting at the desk looks severely disturbed as she swallows
and loosens her collar. Two men waiting are staring at the door with wide,
frightened-y eyes.]
THE HAPPY NOODLE MOVIE!!
By Rachel C
[SCENE: Not in a grocery store, but rather in a shopping mall, we see a store called "Cool Stuff". There's a sign in the window reading, "We have stuff!" and another reading, "Buy our stuff!" We pan inside and see Happy Noodle Boy, reading a magazine. The credits roll through this part.]
Happy Noodle Boy: Sean Connery... [narrows eyes] I eat your eyeballs in mocking! You are like wee little ferret compared to my great butt god! You will dance with the cockroaches by midnight! Eat my toast! [throws magazine down] Where is the can I help you sir!? There is always a can I help you sir!?
[An attendant comes up to him.]
Attendant: Can I help you, sir?
Happy Noodle Boy: NO! I deny your help! Your help is worthless to my eye-scrawlingly lucious mouse fetus!
Attendant: But I-
Happy Noodle Boy: No! It has to be this way. I will always love you.
[We cut to outside. Two security guards throw Happy Noodle Boy out on his ass. Happy Noodle Boy runs back to the window and smacks himself up against it.]
Happy Noodle Boy: Noooooooooooooo! Denied my safe haven! My precious womb of fragility taken from me! How cruel a world this is!
[Attendant comes up to the door and places a sign with Happy Noodle Boy's picture on it. It reads, "BANNED".]
Happy Noodle Boy: You dare to steal my likeness!? You are like skateboard company of doom! Return to your ungodly hell! GWAG!
[Happy Noodle Boy kicks their door and walks off down the corridor. As he passes by each store, we see they all have signs stating that he's banned from them.]
Happy Noodle Boy: Is there no twinkie in this world for the people!? My rights stripped from me like so many howler monkey craps!
[Happy Noodle Boy reaches a fountain and stands on it.]
Happy Noodle Boy: My fellow gravy pigs! Heed my words! This day is a most pelvic-smelling day! Is there no justice for the juicy sweetness of the people!? Why must we continually be ridden to our pizza box-littered homes!? We demand our rights! Cease your denial! I am thrusting my butt to the monkey's face. Oh, how he cries for his squirrel mother!
[We cut to the outside of the mall and see two security guards throwing Happy Noodle Boy out on his ass. Happy Noodle Boy runs back towards the door shreiking unhumanly, only to find another banned sign on it.]
Happy Noodle Boy: Oh, cruel anchovie! How you mock my attempt to drink of your cheese drink! Why, anchovie, why? All I want is cheesy sip... I demand a cheesy sip! If I do not receive cheesy sip, I will blow up your pie!
[Happy Noodle Boy grunts and walks off down the street. Suddenly, a light shines down on him.]
Happy Noodle Boy: [looks up] Toot?
[The light pulls him up into a UFO... AGAIN! We cut to the inside where he has just arrived in a silver room. He blinks a few times, then screams at the top of his lungs. An alien enters - stereotypically drawn, long green head, big black eyes, scrawny body, etc.]
Alien: What is that horrible noise coming from its mouth!?
[Another alien enters.]
Alien 2: It must be some form of self-defense.
[Happy Noodle Boy stops screaming, looks at them, then starts again. He gets up and runs around the circular room several times.]
Alien: What the hell is it doing?
[Alien 2 shrugs.]
Alien: [addressing Happy Noodle Boy] Please cease that! We mean you no harm.
[Happy Noodle Boy stops, blinks, and then runs to the alien and clings to him.]
Happy Noodle Boy: I strangle your nub!
[Happy Noodle Boy squeezes the alien as hard as possible.]
Alien: Augh! Get it off me!
Alien 2: I will stop this insanity.
[Alien 2 gives Happy Noodle Boy a shot of tranquilizer and he falls to the ground limply.]
Alien: What the hell is this thing?
Alien 2: It appears to be some primitive life form... its sanity appears dangerously lacking.
Alien: Yes, it does. Perhaps we should study its mind.
Alien 2: Excellent idea!
[Alien picks up Happy Noodle Boy's arms while Alien 2 takes his feet, and they carry him out of the room.]
[SCENE: Lab. Happy Noodle Boy is strapped to a slightly angled table and odd wires are attached to his head. He is still unconscious. Alien 2 points at a screen.]
Alien 2: Now, this screen will allow us to view everything that this... being... is thinking about.
Alien: Excellent. I will turn on the machine.
[Alien presses a button and the screen turns on. We see Happy Noodle Boy standing in a plain white screen. He blinks and begins to pick his nose.]
Alien: Most... uninteresting.
[Suddenly, a giant pack of Mentos is lowered right above Happy Noodle Boy. He looks up and gasps.]
Happy Noodle Boy: FRESHMAKER!!
[Happy Noodle Boy jumps up and grabs onto the pack. He sits on top of it and it flies off.]
Happy Noodle Boy: We must journey to a far away laxative empire! The princess is in the toilet!
[The Mentos turn upside down and Happy Noodle Boy begins to fall.]
Happy Noodle Boy: Augh! You have defeated my zombie chicken dance!
[As he falls, a hypnotic spiral begins to surround him. Things are spinning in the spiral along with him - faces of celebrities, Mentos, butts, monkeys, squeezy cheese, and many other things. Happy Noodle Boy falls for a bit longer and then falls in a gigantic glass.]
Happy Noodle Boy: How dare you touch my accordion monkey!
[He stands up and jumps up and down.]
Happy Noodle Boy: I must escape this pit of glucose extract before mine eyes are turned to lactate!
[The glass is picked up by a giant hand.]
Happy Noodle Boy: Eat my dishwasher!
[The glass is lifted to a giant mouth. Happy Noodle Boy looks up and sees it is Sean Connery.]
Happy Noodle Boy: Sean Connery! I should not have doubted your tree branch! You are truly the leafy incarnate!
[Sean Connery opens his mouth and swallows Happy Noodle Boy, who plummets down his throat and into his stomach, landing on a hot dog that is floating in stomach acid.]
Happy Noodle Boy: Saved at last by the migty frankfurter! I sail on the SS Nitrate!
[Happy Noodle Boy sails around the stomach for quite some time. He soon floats by an M&M and picks it up.]
Happy Noodle Boy: Alas, I dub thee M. I fear I must be Tom Hanks.
[Happy Noodle Boy hugs "M".]
Happy Noodle Boy: I loves you.
[Suddenly, there's a sound of flushing as everything is sucked out of the stomach. As he is sucked down, Happy Noodle Boy loses his grip on "M".]
Happy Noodle Boy: M! You are a traitorous enema! You dare to thrust your candy-coated chocolate self! Melt in my hand, thy bastard!
[Happy Noodle Boy falls out into a large toilet.]
Happy Noodle Boy: I am pooh!
[He climbs out before Sean Connery can flush it. He jumps down from the seat and stands on the floor.]
Happy Noodle Boy: I eat the goose.
[Back to the aliens... Alien 2 shuts off the machine.]
Alien 2: I am... disturbed.
Alien: I agree. Let's just put the implants in and drop him somewhere.
Alien 2: Do you suppose we should place a sanity balancer in his head?
Alien: A sanity balancer? Are you sure that's a good idea?
Alien 2: It will make him normal.
Alien: But maybe he's supposed to be this way. It may benefit this planet's nature somehow.
Alien 2: How can this madness possibly be beneficial?
Alien: I don't know if it's wise, though... what if something goes wrong?
Alien 2: Nothing will go wrong! Relax!
Alien: Well... all right. But I still don't think it's a good idea.
Alien 2: Your objection is duly noted.
[They lay the table flat and take out surgical tools.]
[SCENE: Field. Happy Noodle Boy falls from the sky with a loud thud. He slowly opens his eyes and sits up, then glances around.]
Happy Noodle Boy: Where am I? What's happened?
[He slowly stands up.]
Happy Noodle Boy: I can't remember a thing... I was just walking along the street, and then this light came... and now I feel all... different.
[Happy Noodle Boy blinks a few times and begins to walk off, then stops.]
Happy Noodle Boy: [hesitates] Whatever's different... it sucks.
TO BE CONTINUED!!