Song: Without You – Rent

Disclaimer: I do not own anything in this story or the song.

Dedicated: To Quatre's loneliness (starts crying) and my mommy and sister. Loves ya xxxxxx

Summary: The time between the Zero incident on to Trowa finding his memory.

Pairings: mostly 3x4 and hint of 1xR

Warning: Angst, depression, Lime.

~Italic~ = Song

Normal = Story

Without You

~Without you, the ground thaws, the rain falls, the grass grows.
Without you, the seeds root, the flowers bloom, the children play~

Slowly Quatre walked through the public gardens in Sanc his mind casting back on all the events that had happened in the last few months. Winter seemed to be coming to the whole word. Quatre thought about how in some places it would be sunny and the snow and bad weather would be thawing away while where he stood in Sanc the snow descended like angels from heaven. Quatre stopped and turned his head to see a small animal scurry quickly across the field. Quatre laughed to himself, he couldn't see what animal it was but knew that if Trowa had seen it he would have known straight away. Trowa was amusing that way. The colour of the grass... it's the same colour as Trowa's eyes.

Quatre sighed, he was the reason Trowa was not with them. He was the reason Trowa was lost. He was the reason Trowa might be dead. His and only his! Quatre's heart ached as Trowa's last words ran through his head. The words that had brought him out of the state of self loathing, that state where he could not judge good from bad, where he lost control. That was what hit him the most. He had lost control! For one split second he let his guard down; it had only taken that one second for Zero to dominate his mind and blind him to what was there right in front of him.

Quatre stopped as a few children played close by to him close to the flower beds where flowers where blooming to keep them alive. Quatre smile as he saw one man shout at the children while he was tending to the dead flowers. Sooner or later that man would be back to plant the new seeds of life there. Quatre smiled as two of the girls ran around him trying to outwit the two boys chasing them. Quatre chuckled as they rushed about.

"Quatre?"

Quatre turned and there he saw Heero standing tall and proud. Quatre slightly envied Heero. He had begged Heero to go after Trowa, to save him from the chaos that Quatre had created. But he never did. Instead he stopped Quatre. He had done the right thing. Heero had been in control unlike Quatre. He knew right from wrong. He knew who he had to save and who he had to let die. But was that what it took to be the Perfect Soldier or just to be Heero.

"It's getting late," Heero stated once again shoving his cold hands into his pockets. "We should return now."

Heero then walked off back to the school on which they rested at night. Quatre nodded before slowly following the Perfect soldier back to where they sheltered.

~The stars gleam, the poets dream, the eagles fly, without you.
The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you~

Quatre sat in his room watching the stars shine brightly outside of his window. He smiled as he remembered that was where his home was. Among those beautiful stars that shine down on the earth; well what was left of his home anyway. His home had rejected him and he had gone and destroyed a place that didn't even belong to him. He had been a fool to think it was the right thing. Quatre sighed as he got up off the bed. Slowly he walked over to the window and opened it. A small smile crept to his face as the cool night wind hit his face. Quatre looked down at the gardens under his window. There he saw Relena. He smiled as he saw the young pacifist reading.

Quatre gave a small chuckle. Suddenly Relena lowered her book and looked around her. She then looked up and there she saw Quatre half hanging out his window. She smiled as she turned to look at him.

"What are you doing Quatre?" She asked softly in a voice that showed she cared about him after so little time together. Quatre smiled down at her.

"Looking at the stars and thinking," Quatre replied half heartedly. He once again looked up at the stars. "What you reading?"

"Poetry," she answered immediately. "It's always been my hobby."

Quatre chuckled. It had been his hobby once before but he doubted if he tried now he would get anything good; maybe something depressingly good or war ridden, but nothing to his normal standards. Quatre chuckled as he looked down on the peaceful princess remembering how when he first came to earth he wrote about a princess in a garden just like the one in Sanc; showing the beauty of her and the garden around her. Then there was the one he had written after Trowa had left him. The way he wrote about the mysteries of a soldier; which were merely more than his feelings about Trowa printed for eternity in black and white. Quatre sighed as Trowa once again entered his mind.

Relena's eyes softened as loving words came from her pink lips, "everyday you'll get closer to finding him Quatre." Quatre looked directly at the young woman in wonder. "You will find him I know it." She then closed her book and stood up. "It's time I retired," she muttered. "Don't watch the stars for long Quatre. You need all the strength you have to find him."

~Without you, the breeze warms, the girl smiles, the cloud moves.
Without you, the tides change, the boys run, the oceans crash~

Quatre smiled as he watched Relena walk among the gardens with Heero at her side. She was smiling at him talking softly to him in words meant only for his ears. Quatre watched as Heero listened to the young princess and replied with his own opinions on the matter now and again. Quatre heard footsteps closing in on them. He turned his head to see Noin running to them. Quatre stood up and waited for Noin to arrive to him.

"Miss Noin what's wrong?" Quatre asked softly.

Noin panted as she tried to get her breath. She looked up at the blond boy with worry and fear in her eyes Quatre knew there was something wrong. Heero quickly came to my side.

"There's a big problem," she panted. "We need you with Wing."

Heero and Quatre looked at each other before sprinting off to the Wing Gundam. Nothing matter but getting there. The sound of the waves crashing against the shore echoed in Quatre's ears as they got closer to their secret security base.

~The crowds roar, the days soar, the babies cry, without you.
The moon glows, the river flows, but I die, without you~

The sounds of the battle cries were frightening and stomach turning like any other time. The sound of Quatre's comrades getting hurt and his enemies dying. These images, these sounds and feelings... these were his nightmares. The memories that made him cry out at night for anyone who would come to worry over him. The battle is moving so fast that Quatre finds it difficult to focus on what is happening. They are getting pushed back into the cities. Where the people are praying, mothers are holding their crying babies. Where siblings cling to each other for dear life instead of fighting for their own dominance over others.

The battle is over when Relena has surrendered. Quatre stood under the moon light with his remaining comrades close to a small river. The sound of the river drowns out the noises around Quatre but not everything in his heart and head. Trowa... Is this what he died for? Is this what he sacrificed himself for? This little boy standing wanting to cry so badly at the loss of his friend... NO! Trowa was more than a friend to Quatre... Quatre loved him. Had it truly taken Quatre this long to figure out why everything leads his thoughts and heart back to Trowa?

~The world revives
Colours renew
But I know blue, only blue, lonely blue, within me blue~

Back home on the colonies where Quatre belongs. Noin searches for the other pilots. Quatre return to L4, to his home and to the place where he must take responsibility. But no matter what he dose... Trowa is always on his mind. Whether he's talking about politics or whether it's talking about family. They always lead Quatre back to Trowa. To the day they first met, when they played their duet, the time when they fought together to the time where they fought against each other. Or the night they spent together...

~Without you.
Without you, the hand gropes, the ear hears, the pulse beats.
Without you, the eyes gaze, the legs walk, the lungs breathe~

The way their hot bodies touched. The way their pants and moans of pleasure joined into a harmonious tune in their ears. The way the sweat dripped down their bodies as their hormones drove them crazy with need. The way their lungs begged for breath that could not be reached, the way their pulse beat so rapidly it would put that Epyon to shame. The discarded cloths forgotten as they grope soft skin. The screams of pleasure as one dominated the other. The kisses of passion and the caressing hands showing their love, their wanting, their lust.

"TROWA!"

Their passion subsided and they grabbed their cloths and walked away from each other. The other's scent clogging and intoxicating their lungs once more.

~The mind churns!
The mind churns! ~

Trowa was here, thought Quatre. Duo had told him and Quatre had rushed off not even thinking about anything else. Quatre slowly walked into the park that held the circus. If Trowa was here Quatre knew that his best bet was to look for the animal's cage. Quatre then spotted a cage ahead of him. Away from any workers and apart from one crouched down. The lions cage. The soft whisper of the person's voice echoed in Quatre's ears.

"Okay. Okay. I'll get your food."

"TROWA?" Quatre shouted out as the person turned to them. Quatre eyes started to tear up as he had finally found his missing friend. "Trowa! It's really you!" Quatre had to hold himself back from flinging into the missing boys arms and kissing him.

Slowly Trowa stood up before speaking, "Who are you?"

Did he just say that? Quatre was taken aback by the comment. Duo hadn't said there was anything wrong with Trowa. Trowa was more than Quatre's friend why didn't he recognize him? Last time he had seen Quatre it appeared that they meant the world to each other. Had what he done affected Trowa so much?

"Trowa!" Quatre called out again trying to show Trowa that he did know him but at the same time jog his memory of the blonde.

"Do you know me?" Trowa asked softly. A gleam of fear cast its shadow over Trowa's eyes. Quatre took a step forward reaching his hand out to Trowa.

"Trowa, don't you recognize me?" Quatre asked.

Trowa pulled back away from Quatre and closer to the Lion's cage. Quatre couldn't believe this. Trowa never did this! A loud crash was heard. Both inspected the metallic sound and where it came from. A young circus girl with brown hair and soft blue eyes stood there with wide eyes. A metal bucket lay on the ground at her feet.

"Trowa, get back to the tent!" She ordered at him. Who is she?

"But sis..." Trowa muttered trying to fight back but knowing it would be useless.

"Sis...?" Quatre's eyes widened. Trowa had never mentioned having a sister at all. Who on Earth was this girl?

"Get going!" She snapped at him. Ouch poor Trowa for having her as a sister. Her eyes then softened and she smiled sweetly at the brunette. "I'll feed the animals. You go help the manager okay?"

Quatre knew that that wasn't going to work on Trowa... Hey wait! Why was he nodding and walking away from him? Quatre's heart ripped apart as Trowa listened to that woman and not want to hear what he had to say. Even if they were siblings he shouldn't still listen to what someone had to say. Quatre went to run after him calling out for Trowa to stop however that girl got in the way.

"Why'd you come here?" She snapped at Quatre holding out her arms so he would not pass her. "Are you gonna take him out to fight again?"

"Who are you?" Quatre asked wanting to know what the hell was now happening.

"Trowa's my brother! He belongs here with us!" She snapped at Quatre with a stern and determined look.

"But he's..." Quatre began to speak.

"I can't bear to see him suffer any more than he has." She cut off Quatre, leaving his mouth to shut abruptly. "He's lost his memories of the past. Because they're too painful." Tears started to form in the young girls eyes. "He doesn't want to remember."

Quatre felt as if his heart had snapped in half. Trowa... didn't want to remember him? But how? They were friends, they were comrades, they were... they were lovers. Tears threatened to fall from Quatre's eyes. No, it shouldn't be like this.

"It's my fault." Quatre muttered. He couldn't bring himself to look at the woman and kept his gaze on the floor. "I'm sorry. Trowa sacrificed himself to correct a mistake that I made. I know apologizing won't fix things. But i am sorry."

Cathy's hand closed in to a fist as she saw the real intension of Quatre coming here. "If that's really the way you feel, then leave him. Trowa's a lot happier now being here at the circus." Cathy then turned around and stormed back into the large marquee.

Quatre watched her walk away knowing it was useless to try and stop this. Quatre turned to walk back to his shuttle when something stopped him. Quatre looked over his shoulder one last time and spoke his final words. "I'm sorry Trowa."

~The heart yearns!
The heart yearns! ~

"He's really gone overboard!" Duo exclaimed as they watched Trowa fly the Wing Zero to the hostage colony. Duo's hand clenched as he watched along with Quatre and the others.

"Let's follow him!" Quatre ordered to Duo. Quatre knew that Trowa going out in his condition was wrong. "Wing Zero is too dangerous in his state!"

"Right!" Duo answered as he followed Quatre out to prepare for battle.

Finally kitted up Duo and Quatre got in the small shuttle with their Gundam's in and headed off to find Trowa. Why on Earth did Zero have to be faster than a shuttle? It meant that he would start the battle before his un-official backup and rescue came along. Quatre preyed with all his heart that Trowa could manage this on his own. There was no way he could fight and maintain it. Heero and Quatre had had problems on their first go and most certainly that would be the same outcome with him too.

Quatre watched on the shuttles front monitor how Trowa was battling. He was good but how long before he lost control or if he already had. Quatre saw that there were not many suits left. He turned to Duo.
"I'll go out and help Trowa while you deal with OZ in the colony." Quatre ordered. Duo gave him a two finger solute and they floated off to their Gundam's. Quatre just hopped he could get there before something went completely wrong.

Quatre's head snapped to a monitor that showed Trowa aiming at the final Mobile Doll. Quatre gasped as he saw right behind the Doll was the colony. Trowa raised the beam cannon towards the mobile doll. Quatre gasped as flash backs of when he had done that cluttered his head. Quatre couldn't hold back anymore.

"Don't do it! Trowa!" Quatre yelled at the top of his voice. Quatre shot at the mobile doll before the final blow could be shot by Trowa. Quatre could hear a growl come from Trowa. "Open your eyes, Trowa!" Quatre moved Sandrock between Wing Zero and the Colony. If he couldn't reason with Trowa he knew he'd have to fall before the colony. "The person you have to protect lives there!" Quatre knew why Trowa was doing this, of course he did. He was trying to protect someone he cared, just the thing Quatre thought he was doing when he destroyed those colonies. "You were the one that corrected the mistake I made! I can't let you make that same mistake now!" Quatre had to somehow break the control Zero had over Trowa. He had too, but all he could think of was to remind Trowa of what he had done to save him before. "Don't let Zero control you! You're too strong to let that happen!"

A gasp came from Trowa. Had Quatre gotten through? Quatre wished he had had a video link with Zero so he could see Trowa; to see the reactions and know which way to attack Zero from. Small cries of pain came over the com link. Was Trowa in pain? Was he breaking free of Zero's control?

"Th-The person…I wanna protect…" Trowa's voice sounded strained over the link. Heavy breathing came over the link. No movement from Zero or Sandrock. No sound of controls being pressed. Only breathing and their beating hearts. Quatre couldn't take it.

"Trowa! Trowa!" He called out. "Are you all right?" Quatre pried one last time. "Trowa!" Silence rained over his cockpit. Please, please, please.

"You're right, Quatre." Quatre's eyes widened. Was that? Could he possibly. Trowa sounded as if he was regaining his control after a long and difficult battle. His breath was slowing down but the sound of shakiness still creped between them. "We both have people to protect." It was…

"T-Trowa! Your memory's back!" Quatre called out. Inside Quatre wanted to cry and dance with happiness but he knew that now was not the time for that.

"Let's go; Catherine's waiting for us." Trowa said softly.'m gone.
Cause I die, without you~

~The tears dry, without you.
Life goes on, but I

"Victory is ours. But our plans to ram this ship into Earth are unchanged. Those are Commander Milliardo's orders. Evacuate at your own discretion. I pray for your safety." Quines warned her as the screen shut down for the last time.

"Things didn't go as planned." Dorothy turned to the entrance to the room. There she saw a tall young man standing in the door way. He held Quatre's body as if he was to rescue the young boy from her grasps before tending to him. "In a way, what you were attempting was probably correct. But it still won't bring true peace."

"I was only…" Dorothy tried to fight back.

"That's sad." He commented. "A woman who can't cry." Dorothy watched as this Pilot – most likely one of the Gundam Pilots ignores her and tends to Quatre. He attempted to temporarily heal Quatre with the small medical kit he had. She fell to the ground as she watched him care for the blonde pilot. He whispered words that she could not understand to the boy as Quatre started to wake up from his almost death. When the brunette was done he removed his helmet and whispered a few more words into Quatre's ear before floating of to the controls of the mobile doll control room. He took out a knife and worked his way at a steady pace at the wires that were before him. He cut them letting their remains float around them. He never once looked at her. The only noise was Quatre's laboured breathing and every so often the sound of wires being cut.

"I've continually fount and with each battle, I've been killing my own heart. And my heart has been completely void of feeling for very long time now. Maybe my life doesn't have value any more. But I have to keep on living." Trowa. That's what his name was. Gundam Pilot 03.

"Why?" Dorothy asked softly.

"I've got a home to go back to." Trowa answered.

"Unlike you, I don't have any place left to go back to." Dorothy retorted honestly.

Trowa walked over to Quatre with haste. The blonde still seemed to have trouble breathing. Trowa knelt down before the blond and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Can you stand up, Quatre?" He asked in a soft tone he only used for Quatre.

Quatre looked up at him. "Trowa." He spoke. Trowa held on to Quatre as the blonde did to him. "You've got to do me a favour." Trowa understood what Quatre was going to say next. "Look after her and forget about me." Dorothy's head rose and turned to the pilots. Trowa wanted to smile. That was the Quatre he knew. Always looking out for others and his self. Trowa placed his arm around Quatre's waist while he held Quatre's arm around his neck.

"Don't worry, Quatre." He said gently as he supported his friend. "She's strong enough to take care of herself." As they stood Quatre grabbed his side in hope the pain would subdue, it did not.

"Yeah, I guess." Quatre agreed with the taller teen. Trowa helped Quatre to the door before they turned back to Dorothy.

"You'd better hurry." Trowa spoke looking back at her. Trowa worried for Quatre but he knew that Quatre was not finished with Dorothy.

"Don't get yourself killed." Quatre said sincerely.

~Without you.
Without you~

The medical ward was busy. A divider split the Gundam pilot from the rest. The doctors knew that the pilots would need some peace to themselves. The two pilots seemed to need time alone and the doctors looked worriedly at the third pilot asking to see his friend. The doctor sighed and gave the pilot permission to enter. Duo opened the divider and pocked his head in. There was Quatre and Trowa.

Duo watched Trowa sat close to the blonde yet how they would not touch. Where they still apprehensive about people knowing their feelings? Duo had known all this time about their unspoken relationship; their glances, their talk, their private time. Sorry but this was one time he had to intervene.

"Hey Quatre, are you feeling better?" Duo chirped and announced himself. Trowa was sitting on a chair close to Quatre's side and seemed as if. Quatre was sitting up and looking pretty good for a skewered guy. Both seemed to have been talking before they looked towards Duo as he came in.

"Everything is fine now. I'm really alright." Quatre reassured his friend and smiled back.

Trowa turned back to Quatre placing a hand to his chin and thinking about the boy's pains. Trowa knew that after the operations and everything they had been through he would need more rest than everyone else. "You don't look to well," Quatre turned to Trowa. "You should sleep for a while."

Quatre smiled appreciating his friend concern for his health. "Thank you Trowa. I'm really alright." Quatre smiled as they turned towards Duo again. Duo shut the divider giving them privacy again. He looked around as if expecting something or someone else.

"Anyways, looks like Heero and Wufei didn't show up." Duo stated seeing that two fifths of their team were absent from the hospital room. Duo would have expected them to come and see their injured friend. Quatre was after all a big reason why they were all together. Quatre tilted his head to the side and smiled.

"There's nothing we can do, after all, they are that kind of people." Quatre stated respecting that his friends most likely had something to do or thought that Quatre needed time to rest. Duo walked over to the two with hands behind his back. He was going to keep his promise. Duo Maxwell never lied.

"That I understand, but this is the last time. We never know when we might be able to meet again." Duo stated. Duo then wished he hadn't said it. Most likely Quatre already knew that and felt slightly sad about it.

"That's right." Quatre said sadly. Trowa turned to look at Quatre. Quatre's eyes are closed and he looked upset. No doubt he was hoping to see Wufei and Heero again, someday. "There is no need for us to get together again."

Duo took a step forward. "Don't be so upset Quatre." Duo stated before explaining. "After peace is achieved, we can always meet again. But we might just need to take the imitative to call each other and then we will be able to meet up again." Duo always knew how to put a smile on someone's face.

A glass floated near Quatre. Quatre looked up seeing the glass and reached out to grab it before it could smash against the wall. Quatre was confused, where had it come from. He turned to Duo, figures. Duo held up a glass and gave Quatre a wink. Duo then looked over at Trowa and let a glass float out of his hand to the taller teen. Trowa waited until the glass was within reach before clasping it softly. Quatre looked up from the glass and smiled at his two companions. Duo held up his glass. Duo cheered.

"Come, let's have a toast. To the peace that we have finally achieved. Cheers!"

Duo, Quatre and Trowa raise their glasses.

~Without you~

Duo had left the two alone. He could sense that they needed to talk and Quatre had silently thanked him. Trowa placed the glasses on the small table. He turned back to see Quatre shifting slightly. He couldn't really move without help. It would be a while before he wouldn't need anyone's help again. Trowa walked over to Quatre and helped the boy lay down slightly. Trowa could see the tiredness in Quatre's eyes. Trowa placed the sheets over Quatre's pale body.

"Maybe you should rest for now," Trowa spoke softly. "I won't leave before you wake up." Trowa went to leave before his arm was trapped. Trowa turned to see the small blonde trapping him. Trowa looked into the ocean blue eyes to see a slight fear in his eyes.

"Stay with me," he whimpered. "Please?" Trowa sighed and set himself down on the bed next to the blonde. As Trowa got comfortable Quatre leaned on him like he had in the early days. Quatre's head rested on his chest. Back when they were on Peacemillion they could never have the privacy or the time to spend alone in each other's company. It was nice to be back like this. Just having him around. "I missed this." Trowa looked down on Quatre. "Not having you close. I honestly thought that I was going to live the rest of my life without you."

"You don't have to live without me anymore." Trowa smiled softly. Trowa placed his hand under Quatre's chin and lifted his head to look at Trowa. Quatre's eyes sparkled as he looked up at Trowa. Trowa lowered his head and lets his lips graze over Quatre's softly. Quatre didn't need the kiss to be deep to feel Trowa's passion. Quatre leaned up at let heaven consume him.

"I love you."

WOW! I'm sorry. I was meant to get this out on New Year's but we only just got the internet back in the house. Hope you liked it