I Have Seen

I have seen your brilliant side. The side that stares at the tiniest shard of bone until you see the truth in it. The side that can tell me a murder victim's favourite sport. The side that can provide motive from how a killer touches his nose.

I have seen your stupid side. The side that shot a murderer with alcohol on your breath. The side that doesn't understand a reference to Clue. The side that doesn't understand that a victim's family doesn't want all the gruesome details. The side that insults God in His house. The side that shot me in the leg.

I have seen your generous side. The side that pays for the funerals of people you never met. The side that keeps your interns in scholarships. The side that works for hours, days, just because I asked you a favour. The side that foregoes motherhood for the sake of a friend.

I have seen your passionate side. The side that works for days without sleep. The side that searches for the truth, no matter how painful or how much I want a different truth. The side that still yearns a little for that life in the Caribbean.

I have seen your playful side. The side that believes in Lassos of Truth and Amazonium. The side that bets dinner on your expertise. The side that gets drunk and leads a man into thinking he's getting some.

I have seen your vulnerable side. The side that was bound and gagged and waiting to be fed to dogs. The side that mourned the deaths of your mother and her killer. The side that had to attend my funeral.

I have seen your impersonal side. The side that won't bother to learn the names of people you've met over and over again. The side that is blunt, crass and untactful. The side that tells victims' mothers there may not be enough evidence. The side that is arrogant and dismissive of anyone's beliefs that don't concur with your beloved science.

And yet I love you. I love you. I always have and I always will, no matter how much I try to convince myself and you that I intend to move on. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to carry on by your side now you know. It wasn't easy all these years, being so close to you while the lust of our initial meeting turned into fervent adoration and love – and knowing you didn't return the sentiment. I hoped. I bided my time, hoping you would come to love me.

But you don't.

I have seen your light side. The side that dresses as a squint and thrills at the prospect of pirate treasure. The side that orders hookers from my cell phone and makes Christmas for prisoners. The side that gets drunk and kisses scientists in rain-shrouded doorways.

I have seen your passionate side. The side that loves your little boy without question, that checks up on your ex's current paramours to protect him. The side that asks God for guidance and thanks him for life's good things. The side that kisses me…

I have seen your vulnerable side. The side that was tortured with pipes to the feet. The side that lost a comrade and never forgave itself. The side that didn't know how Howard Epps died. The side I thought bled to death on my hands. The side that sat in a hospital bed and gave me instructions in case you died.

I have seen your protective side. The side that saved me from being eaten by dogs. The side that flew to New Orleans. The side that gave up prestige and glory for your brother. The side that broke up with Cam to save her from people like Epps. The side that even tried to save Epps himself.

But I have seen your dark side. The side that grabs me by the arm and threatens frightened women. The side that kills, albeit in the line of duty. The side that bullies and intimidates in word and deed. The side that scares me, even now.

And yet I love you. I love you. But I'm too scared to tell you. I think you know. I know you hope. I hope you know. But I'm scared of what my loving you could do.