Fluorescent Star
My love,
Whenever we were together, I felt like I was floating in the skies of Neverland. Ageless, just like your smile. Your laughter, bubbling out from inside your heart, and tumbling out of your little mouth, lit up the dark more than a thousand fireflies could accomplish. It always managed to light up my life, and that's more than any human has ever managed. Whenever we walked together, I was forever treading in astronaut boots, rising a few feet higher than the highest skies. Your eyes, forever twinkling, looked at me in a way that made me feel like a whole new person. An altogether better person. You made me feel like I was spiraling past the planets and through their rings, and down, down, down. But never falling. Perhaps you made me a better person. Or perhaps it was just my mind playing tricks on me. Darling, I love you so.
I am sorry. I am sorry about everything that ever went wrong, or will go wrong, in your life, as I'm sure, that in some way or other I am to be held responsible. And I am so sorry that I'm not there anymore to see you through your hard times. Anything I say to you will seem like an excuse, but I shall try nonetheless. I admit that I was too addicted to wanting to be the good guy. And I think now, that it was because I was always looking for a way to overlook the monster that I became once every month. And every time I looked at you in your mother's arms, I was able to.
If you are reading this now, you know that I am no longer alive. And I felt like I should leave you some kind of explanation as to why that is. I fought the present in memory of the past, and in anticipation of the future. James, Lily and Sirius had done too much for me, and the best way for me to repay them was to fight for what they stood against for all their lives. I feel fortunate to have known them. And to fight for them, with their son, was my duty. I fought with hopes that I could play my part in making the world a better place for you and your mother. Your mother is an incredible woman, Teddy, take care of her.
My son, you have to know that we were living in dark times. The skies became darker every day. Magic was being corrupted and innocent lives were being thoughtlessly exploited. I hope that things are better now. In those dark times, Ted, you made me feel real. You took me to the stars and back. You were like a single fluorescent star in the sky. The only alive and pulsating bright speck of light among all the other dull, dead light bulbs that were a thousand light years old. And every time I considered the possibility that you might be a little bit like me and I might be a little bit like you, it scared me. Oh, how it scared me. My boy, I was afraid of what comes with being so pure and true. And was I capable enough, and strong enough to be even a little bit of either? For the moments that I spent with you, I let myself believe that I was. And then you slipped your tiny palm into mine, and nothing else in the world mattered. Never let the magic in you die.
I loved you, my child. And I love you still. Do you remember me? Do you remember me the way I remember you? I don't think you do. I remember every freckle on your arm and every scrape on your knees. I remember the sound of your voice and the way you sang the alphabet. If you remember me at all, take that memory and hold it close. And I trust we shall meet again. Somewhere in the Milky Way. And maybe you can touch me with your fluorescent light and teach me how to live again.
Yours, till the end of the galaxies and beyond,
Father.