CHAPTER ONE, A MERMAID
"Land ho!" Captain Hook yelled as his parrot, Gracie, pooped on his shoulder.
"Gracie. I told you, if you poop on daddy's shoulder you don't get the head of the mermaid we catch." Hook said condescendingly to his parrot.
"Swack." Gracie swacked in Hook's ear.
"No. Now again I say it. Land ho!" Hook's ship came to the final destination. Hook threw down the ladder and came to the sand.
"Peter Pan?! Where are you Peter Pan?! I came with a present for you!" Hook waited for a response but there wasn't one.
"Okay. He's dead." Hook said walking down the ladder.
"Swack! Swacky! Swack swack?" Gracie asked.
"O.K. Fine, you still get the ear. But forget about the head, missy."
Hook grabbed his shiny dagger and planted it in the sand. He put his ear up against it and whispered some words into the dagger.
"One may be water,
two may be sand.
If you are here,
come to be land." Hook stood up and closed his eyes.
"Just wait and wait and wait and-" A huge splash of water cut him off.
"Yes! It worked!" Hook jumped up and down but stopped when he felt his belt falling.
The water was crystal clear and so rare that not even the Queen ever came in touch with it. Mermaids lived in the water for centuries and still, no man (or woman) has ever seen a mermaid alive. That is why Captain Hook Benjamin Luke Von Jika Hook will be the first. He has tried for 11 years and still no luck. Until today!
"Look Gracie! We did it! We got the water running! And the mermaids are ours!" Hook said throwing Gracie above his head.
"Oh, Hook." Hook looked around and saw nothing but a small head above the water.
"Hook. Come close. Come here so I can kiss you."
"Don't mind if I do." Hook came into the water and ripped off his shirt. It landed on Gracie, but Hook didn't care now. He just wanted some of this cute girl in the water. She had long flowing hair, shells on her- ya, you know. And the best part was that she had a tail. What?! A tail? I've been tricked! Hook thought. He tried to run out of the water but it was too late, she already had his stomach down frozen in the water.
"Gracie! Swack!" Hook told Gracie.
Hook squirmed and squirmed but was already trapped.
He saw Gracie flying away, and fast!
"Hook. I thought you weren't going to be easy to get in here. I was so wrong." The mermaid said trying to lick Hooks neck.
"Stop! I know your spit can- What does it do again?"
"It can do whatever I want it to do, you pretty boy." The mermaid said.
"Stop! I know you are trying to get me like you did to all of those stupid men! You'll never bring me down with you!" Hook ran his fingers along the mermaid's head and then whacked her in the head with his head.
"Ow. I'll never do that again. Oh, come on!" A whole sworm of mermaids came charging at him.
"Oh, Hook." One mermaid said at his face.
"I love you, Hook." Another bubbled up from his ankles. Mermaids seemed to be everywhere!
"Okay, girls. There is enough of me to go around to all of you."
No stop! They are trying to drown me! Hook thought.
He got pulled under water but luckily could now move his legs. He kicked at the mermaid at his ankle. She swam away screaming. He punched the one at his face. She floated away bloody. He bit the one at his back. She dissolved in the ocean floor. He bit, kicked, punched, slapped, hit, kissed, licked and booted many mermaids before finally swimming to shore.
"I learned my lesson." Hook said pulling his dagger out of the ground.
"I hate mermaids." He ran to his ship looking for his shirt.
"If I was a mad bird, where would I put my master's shirt?" He found it lying next to a dead fish all ripped and torn.
"Gracie, One. Hook, Zero. Nice move Grace." Hook said climbing aboard the ship. He saw Gracie flying towards him with a piece of pie and a napkin.
"After what I did to you, I didn't think I was going to get my message granted. You know when I yelled for you to get me some food at the water? I was with all the mermaids and I yelled to you?" Gracie looked at him and frowned. Then took the pie and ripped it to shreds with a loud burp to finish.
"Gracie, Two. Hook, Zero."