Penny For Your Thoughts, a twilight fanfic

Author's note: please leave your reviews. I'm not sure I love how this came out because writing about pain is really difficult. But I always thought we missed some of the depth to how Bella felt after Edward left her. After he returned, I don't think it would be realistic for her to bounce back, all emotional pain gone.
This story is based after New Moon but before the events of Eclipse.
Song used here, that inspired this story: Frail Love by Cloves.

Penny for your thoughts

Edward took her gently into his arms and kissed her chastely on her lips. Just as she caught her breath, he left one last soft kiss on her forehead before turning to his open door overlooking the forests at the back of the Cullen house. With one last longing look, he was gone to join Alice and Jasper for a hunt overnight, leaving her in the company of Carlisle and Esme. She stared out of the open door in the direction that he fled, and she felt the heaviness weigh on her heart once again. She sighed and turned back to his room, her arm automatically coming up to squeeze around her torso. She sat down on the sofa situated against the fully windowed walls, opposite the huge intricate golden bed that rested along the wall that held row after row of CDs. She felt the nausea building in her stomach. The same sensation that went through her every time that he left her. The same sensation that reminded her of the night he left her. She felt herself choke on her own breath given the thought. Then a knock sounded at the door which momentarily distracted her from the pain.

"Would you like anything to eat, dear?" Esme asked, peering around the door. Then she frowned, having stopped to look more closely at Bella. "Are you alright? You're looking a little pale."

"Living in Arizona never helped that," Bella smiled. "And no, thank you, Esme. I ate a little before Edward brought me here." This was a lie. She knew that if she ate anything, she wouldn't be able to stomach it.

Esme chuckled, stepping over the threshold and standing next to her. "Well, if you need anything, just call me. I'll just be downstairs painting. Carlisle is reading down the hall in his office if you should want him."

Bella nodded. "Thank you, Esme."

She squeezed her shoulder gently as she left the room. Bella watched her go and let out a steady breath. She squeezed her eyes closed, trying to fight the vision of Edward's back facing her as he fled. She leant forward and stood, shaking the thoughts from her head. She decided she needed a distraction and looked at Edward's collection of CDs. She studied the past decade's worth of music and picked out an alternative/indie genre, hoping that she'd be able to pass some time away with some sleep. She put the CD into his CD player and let it run.

She reached into her bag and picked up her hairbrush, perching herself in the middle of his couch. She sat cross-legged and ran the brush through her long, brunette locks. She watched as she brushed each curl out and the tendrils then twisted back into its natural ringlets. She listened closer to the steady piano background of the song that was currently playing on the album. The piano reminded her so much of Edward. She leapt up and put the song on repeat, turning it down slightly, as she put her hairbrush down on his now bedside table.

Carlisle heard his beautiful wife visit Bella to see if she needed anything and he couldn't help but smile at her motherly tendencies. A little while later, he heard Bella put some music on in Edward's room to fill the silence that followed his departure. He was aware of when she lay down to sleep. This caught his attention and he sat up, glancing outside. It was still early. He frowned. He relaxed back into his chair when he heard her fidgets stop and her breathing slow. He continued to pour over his medical texts, passively aware that the music Bella put on had been repeating itself for a while.

She stared through the trees, expecting him to appear but he never did. She saw a never-ending darkness and it started to swallow her up.

"I'm not good enough for you," she said unsteadily, to the empty air.

The words reverberated around the forest, bouncing off every tree trunk, every leaf, every fallen branch, hitting back at her each time. She felt the darkness drowning her and the hole he'd opened up in her heart get bigger with each intake of breath.

"I promise that this will be the last time you'll see me. I won't come back. I won't put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I'd never existed." His voice echoed through her head.

She shook her head and took off running, chasing the voice that both plagued her and stayed with her. She felt herself trip on a fallen branch and she landed on the floor. She cried out, screaming his name. The darkness finally swallowed her whole and she lost the ability to breathe, choking for oxygen. She felt her heart constrict and her stomach drop. She clutched at her chest, gasping for some respite from the pain. She tried calling to him, but her voice was lost to her.

Carlisle paused and shot out of his office, into Edward's bedroom. He noticed that none of the curtains had been drawn, the door was left open and Bella was lying on top of the covers on the bed. He stepped forward at an unhuman pace and crouched at her side. Her breathing was laboured and any colour that she once had had long left her. He grasped her shoulder and shook her gently.

"Bella?" he tried. "Wake up. You're having a nightmare." She suddenly cried out, clutching at her chest. "Bella, honey, wake up."

He was vaguely aware that Esme had shot into Edward's room and stood at his side. They looked at each other in worry and turned back to Bella.

"Bella!" he said more urgently, shaking her a little harder.

Esme sat on the bed on Bella's other side and she pulled Bella's thick locks back from her face. "Bella, dear," she said gently, "you're safe here."

That did it. Bella's eyes shot open, her hand still clutching her chest, as she sat up. The first thing she saw was Carlisle's golden eyes, then she recognised Carlisle. She felt her heart constrict and she panicked. "Carlisle," she gasped. "I. Can't. Breathe." She barely registered the music playing softly in the background.

Silence is what I fear
Are you, are you here?
A tide of tears appeared for you, my love
Kinder, you're kinder than me
I'm broken, don't know what you see
I'll give you all I have to give, my love

"Okay, Bella, I want you to copy me," he said calmly, taking her hands in each of his. He took one slow, steady breath in for four seconds, holding it for seven and releasing it for eight. He held her gaze as he coached her. His thumbs stroked over her knuckles as he continued the routine until he could hear the oxygen passing through her lungs properly again.

I understand you thinking ohh
Our lies are better than the truth

Esme rubbed circles across Bella's back as she followed Carlisle. As she felt her breathing come under control, she shot out of Edward's bedroom at vampire speed, gathering a glass of water and a towel. She came back in and sat next to Bella, handing her the glass of water. She drank slowly, one hand still firmly clasped in Carlisle's. Esme took back the glass as Bella finished. She slumped into Carlisle's arms and he shifted himself so that he was perched on the bed with her.

Esme wiped her brow, tucking her hair behind her ear carefully. "Feeling better, dear?" she asked gently.

"I'm sorry," Bella replied, breathlessly. "I just couldn't breathe. Thank you, Carlisle." She attempted to move out of his embrace, pulling her hands away, to no avail. He kept hold of her hands and didn't allow her out of the protective cage of his arms.

"Were you having a nightmare?" he asked softly.

Bella squirmed, attempting to pull away again. "It's nothing," she insisted. "I've always had them."

Esme bit her lip, looking between her husband and her adopted daughter. "Bella," she said carefully, "you sounded like you were in pain." She paused, glancing at Carlisle. "You don't look well."

"It's nothing," she repeated. "I just haven't been sleeping well." She shrugged helplessly, wishing that the interrogation would end.

But I can't live it like I'm living
I can't live a lie
I'm giving up more than I should
Forgive me for my frail love
And I can't live it like I'm living
I can't wait up nights
So tell me once and it's enough
Forgive me for my frail love

Carlisle and Esme looked at each other. "I'm going to make you a light snack," Esme announced, getting up, vacating the room.

Carlisle released his grip on her frame, keeping hold of her hands. "Bella, I'm going to help Esme – just rest for a little while. I'll be back." He smiled, getting up, finally releasing her. He frowned at the CD player that still played the same track over and over. He turned to look at Bella when he reached the door and found her staring blankly out of the open door.

He walked downstairs at a human pace and found his wife stirring a pot on the stove. She was so lost in the vegetable soup gently warming through, that she didn't immediately register Carlisle's presence. He rubbed her arms from behind her, placing a light kiss on her cheek. She smiled tensely.

"No one should be accustomed to having nightmares," she stated.

He sighed. "Edward once told me that she's always struggled with nightmares, but I've never seen one like this before," he mused. He glanced in the direction of the stairs. "She needs to talk, but she won't. Edward calls it stubbornness."

"Maybe that's not what it is," Esme replied. She stopped stirring and turned to Carlisle. "She's guarded. Perhaps more so after we left her." Pain flashed across his face at the memory. Esme pulled her fingers through his golden hair. "She's our daughter, Carlisle. She may call it nothing, but it's pain." She sighed. "We all know how that feels."

"None of us were abandoned, though," he voiced his concern.

Bella stared out at the forest beyond the door, taking shallower breaths. She rubbed at her chest, keeping one arm wrapped around her stomach. The dreams were worse when Edward left to hunt. It was the only time that he ever left her these days and that was only when his family would force him to go when he left it to the absolute limit. She knew he only did it to keep control over himself so that she was never put in the same position that she was before.

She moved her position on the bed so that she was sat further back, her legs dangling over the side. Her nightmare was present on her mind and she kept reminding herself that Carlisle and Esme were in the house and yes, she was safe. Carlisle's hold on her was protective and sure. It reminded her so much of Edward, but then she recalled how easy it was for him to let her go. It physically hurt. She didn't want to allow herself to enjoy the love and care that Carlisle and Esme were giving her. She wasn't good enough to have such love and affection.

She was aware of movement on the bed and she turned to her right to see Carlisle, with a glass of orange juice in his hand. He silently handed it to her and sat back, as she drank slowly. He stared out at the forests in front of them and waited for her to finish. As he saw her rest her hands on her lap with the glass clasped between them, he turned to her, smiling.

"Your colouring is a little better now," he said approvingly.

"Yeah," she frowned. "Intense dream." She paused, halting her confession. "Thank you, Carlisle. I feel better now."

"Okay," he didn't argue. They sat in silence for a couple of minutes, the music from the CD player filling the silence. "Interesting song choice," he noted.

Shallow, you're deeper than me
I'll follow my one and only
You give me all you have to give, my love

"It was just the piano that reminded me of Edward," she admitted. "I'd never heard it before." Then something occurred to her. "Oh my! I'm so sorry. I forgot that it was on repeat! It must be driving you insane!"

Carlisle laughed. "Vampires are never changing. We weren't insane before so that won't change now." He squeezed her hand gently as he watched the blush colour her cheeks.

She bit her lip, unconsciously leaning closer to Carlisle. He left it a moment, watching the emotions pass on her face.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Carlisle asked, leaning towards her so that he gently pushed against her shoulder with his own.

Her mouth twitched, daring her to smile. "I wouldn't know where to start," she declared, sighing. At this point, she'd been leaning into Carlisle's side.

"Okay," Carlisle said, pursing his lips. "One moment, please." He nudged her lightly so that she sat up, and he was gone in a flash. He appeared a second later at her side, his hand taking up one of hers and he dropped a coin in it.

I understand you thinking ohh
Our lies are better than the truth

She peered at the coin and couldn't help the smile bursting out of her. "Is this a ten pence coin? English currency?"

"It certainly is!" Carlisle laughed. "It's embarrassing, really, how much foreign currency we have in this house." He glanced at her hand clasping the ten pence coin and continued. "You don't know where to start. Well, I've just paid for ten thoughts. You can do that, can't you?"

Bella bit her lip, worry passing over her face. Carlisle shook his head. "Yes, you can. How about we start with how long you haven't been sleeping?"

She fidgeted in her seat, but Carlisle reached over and held her hands still. "A while," she confessed.

"How long is a while?" he probed further.

"I just can't sleep when he's gone," she whispered.

Carlisle's eyebrows drew together, and he sighed. "The nightmare," he nodded.

"It hurts," she confided.

His head snapped towards her. "You said it hurts."

She nodded slowly. "I thought it would just get better. I thought it'd go away once he came back to me but it's like there's a hole. And every time he leaves, I feel myself bleeding all over again." She clamped her hand over her mouth, eyes widening. "I'm so sorry! That was thoughtless!"

"Bella," he said firmly, "you have nothing apologise for. It was a figure of speech." He rubbed her back in small circles. "You hold your stomach a lot like you're trying to hold yourself together. Are you in pain?"

"I just feel hollow, Carlisle," she admitted. "It's like I can't breathe. I can't settle my stomach and I just cough up any pills that I take." She leant against his side and instinctively, his arm came up around her back. "I don't know if I'm in pain because I held onto it as a reminder that he was real, or if I'm in so much pain because it just hurts that much."

"We're never going to leave you again, Bella," he said sincerely, feeling a tear fall onto his pale blue shirt.

"He said that," she sniffed. "I can't be good enough for him."

"Why do you say that?" Carlisle stiffened.

"It was one of the last things he said before he left," she breathed.

Carlisle pursed his lips. He cupped his hand around her cheek and lifted her head up to look at him. "You have and always will be good enough, Bella."

Shame went through her as she looked at him. "I'm so sorry for scaring you and Esme earlier."

He cocked his head to one side as he considered her words.

"You're the most caring people in the world, Carlisle," she stated.

"You're our daughter," he declared, firmly. "Nothing will ever change that." He watched as her chocolate brown eyes filled with tears. "And remember, I have plenty of coins to hear your thoughts, for the next 20 years."

She laughed, causing the tears to spill over down her cheeks.

"I'm serious," he said, smiling.

"Please, don't tell Edward," she begged. "If he knew how I felt, he'd just feel guilty and then he'd never leave my side and he needs to hunt!" She started to get hysterical and that was when Esme appeared in front of her. She crouched in front of her, wiping her cheeks with a handkerchief.

"Anything we talk about is between us, dear," she said softly. "We never should have left you and we never will again." She turned to the bedside table and lifted up a bowl. "This is just done. Vegetable soup. I'd like you to try eating it. You're looking a little thin these days." She smiled kindly, taking Bella's hands and handing over the food.

Bella peered inside the bowl and gasped.

"What is it?" Carlisle and Esme echoed.

"Did you make this from scratch?" Bella mumbled, tears filling her eyes.

"Yes, of course," Esme replied, "why? Would you prefer something else?"

"No, no," Bella protested, a few tears escaping her. "You didn't need to do that."

"Why are you so upset?" Carlisle frowned, glancing at his wife.

"I didn't think I'd see any of you again," she sniffed.

Borderline
I'm walking that borderline
Give me some strength of mind
To hold onto you
Borderline, so close to that borderline
Just let me buy some time
To prove me to you

Esme came forward to wrap her arms around Bella. Carlisle took the bowl of soup from Bella and put it down, only to turn and put his arm around her too. Bella wept as Esme stroked her hair and Carlisle squeezed her into his side. They were suddenly both aware of just how thin and delicate Bella had become. Not just on the outside. They could feel her pain like a physical ache. She grieved for the loss of the strength she once had.

Eventually, her sobs quietened, and she exhausted herself. She settled into Esme's side. Carlisle brushed back her hair from her face.

"The hole in your heart will heal, Bella," he said softly. "And we will take care of you until you're healthy again and these nightmares stop."

"How do you know it will heal?" she asked brokenly.

"Because we have forever," Esme murmured.

"You don't need to know how to feel better because there's no answer," Carlisle said. "Edward loves you. You just don't know how much yet."

Bella smiled softly. Esme used her handkerchief to wipe Bella's face clean. Carlisle moved to get up and Bella instantly grabbed his hand.

"Don't go," she requested, knowing full well that she couldn't keep him from going.

He smiled, leaning over to kiss her on the top of her head. "I think it's time this music was stopped." He turned at vampire speed and the music ended. He appeared at Bella's side in the next second. "This hurt will go away."

Esme looked at Bella's face. "You're tired," she affirmed.

Bella looked horrified. "I can't sleep," she opposed.

"Yes, you can," she replied. Before Bella could process it, she was lying down on the bed and she watched as Carlisle and Esme lay either side of her.

"We'll watch over you," Carlisle told her. "We're not going anywhere."

Bella felt her eyes shutting down on their own accord. She felt herself succumbing to her exhaustion. She felt the warmth of their love for her encasing her like a warm blanket and her heart kept its steady rhythm for the first time since Edward left her.

Alice came out of her vision and looked into the eyes of Jasper, who had been watching her intently. She breathed a sigh of relief.

"Carlisle and Esme really are amazing," she smiled.

"Is Bella…" Jasper started.

"It should start to get easier for you to be around her from now on," Alice nodded, stepping forward on her toes to kiss him on the cheek. "She'll be okay."

"I couldn't reach her, ever," Jasper said sadly. "Her pain just ran too deep. It was like a scar."

"She needs something more tangible," Alice replied. "And who better than Carlisle and Esme?"

"Will you stay with me?" Bella mumbled in her sleep.

Carlisle and Esme smiled down at her sleeping form.

"Always and forever," they whispered.