Looks like it's one of those nights again, Nicky thought as she lay restless in her bed. Her thoughts were swarming with her past. Usually her past is something that she pushed down and tried not to think about; but one time Yoga Jones told her that it might be good to feel her emotions and allow her brain to think about her past. So, taking Jones's advice, Nicky allowed herself to wander.
After a couple of minutes of trying she decided. No, I can't. It won't do me any good. In fact, with my luck, it'll just send me spiraling down hill again. And I've come a lot farther than where I started. No thanks to myself though. It's Red's doing. It's all her. She's the reason I'm doing so good. Nicky instantly felt better; she was able to turn something terrible into something, in her opinion, perfect. That night that Red came into the bathroom and helped her through that terrible detox her first night here, was a night that changed Nicky's life forever.
Nicky rolled over in bed with a smile on her face at her new train of thought. But then...What the... Just as Nicky was settling in, she saw a small bag of something in the corner of her bunk. A white something.
Dread. Fear. Panic.
Nicky knew what it was. Was she imagining things? Was she sleeping...if so this would be a nightmare.
How did it get there? The curiosity was something that Nicky wish would go away. She knew what was going to happen. She knew she wasn't going to be able to put it down once she picked it up. And yet, that didn't seem to matter because she was moving out of bed and towards the bag.
She didn't want to do it but she couldn't help it. She stopped just before she put her hand on the bag. I hate being addicted to this shit...but there is a part of me that misses that high...NO! What good would any part of my current life be if I go down this path again? And Mom. For the first time that night, her heart ached sadness. Red would kill me if she knew I was this close to drugs again. But...it would be harmless to just hold the bag, right?
Nicky was torn. Every part of her mind was telling her to go ahead, that it would be fine. But every part of her heart was telling her that she can't disappoint her mom.
I just won't go too far, that's all. Her mind won. She knew she would hear about it later, but as selfish as it was, she didn't care.
Nicky reached out and grabbed the bag. Still knowing that she shouldn't do it, she looked over to Norma's bed. And then immediately remembered: Norma got reassigned just the day before to another bunk. How Nicky wished she was still there to stop her.
She was weak, and she knew it, but good ol' heroin wouldn't have her to believe that. That's what this drug was- Nicky knew. She lifted the bag up to her ear so she could hear the powder fall from one side of the bag to the other in her fingers. There wasn't any light except for the faint moonlight but she could see it glowing in her mind's eye.
She was thrilled to have her best girlfriend back. She was terrified to have her best girlfriend back. She was amazed at her luck for having this drug in the Litch. She was afraid at her luck for having this drug in the Litch. She fantasized about how she would feel. She feared about how she would feel.
Ahhh. Before she knew it, she took it. Heaven? It's been so long. Nicky sat there, just thinking or not thinking..feeling so good and not having a care in the world. She had no regrets, it was a good decision. Red won't even know by the time the morning comes. I'll be back to normal by then, I'll be fine.
Nicky stayed up for hours wanting to take in as many seconds of this high that she could. She ended up staying up all night; she saw the sun coming up through the window. She was off of the high just like she knew she would be and went to grab the bag in order to throw it away somewhere secret. What she couldn't see last night, but what she did see with the sunlight was black hand writing on the bag. It was written in black sharpie and a little hard to read. After turning the bag this way and that way to try to make it out, Nicky finally found the correct angle.
It read: I hope you enjoy my little present. There will be more where this came from, Junkie.
She sat there puzzled. Nicky heard a cough and, startled, looked up real quick. It was Mendez.
"Morning, Junkie."