Disclaimer: Sadly, I am not Stan Lee's illegitimate child – and as that's the case, I do not own the X-men.
Dedications/Thanks: To the awesomely amazing Jen1703 who beta'd this all the way from its rough crack!fic version. Go read her stuff, she's awesome.
Miss Perfect
It's frustrating to never be appreciated for who you are, to only be seen on the surface. I mean, I'm nothing like everyone thinks I am. Nothing. Not even close. And it's worse when you get credit for things you never did – good or bad.
I never claimed to be perfect.
It's not as though they hide their thoughts well or anything. Honestly. Who do they think they're dealing with? I might not go poking around in their heads for fun, but I'm sure as hell not infallible, and I can't keep them out ALL the time. I wish I could. It's not as though I WANT to hear all their internal thoughts.
Some of them have meaner thoughts about me than others.
Why doesn't anyone else here catch this much flack? Why aren't they under the same scrutiny? Why are the standards so different for them?
No one understands this kind of pressure. Not really. They all like to think they completely understand me.
Good luck, guys.
That's not to say that they don't have their own issues. They do. A lot of the people here at school have been through so much. More than I have, most of them. But that doesn't mean it's EASY to be me. It's not. It's not any easier than it is to be them. And I think that I have just a little more room to say that. I've been in their heads, even if I haven't wanted to be.
I know, I know, it's not the same as living it. Sometimes that's more true than others. Scott said, once, that it was kind of dangerous, having a power like mine. It's easier for me to think I get it, because intellectually I do – but emotionally, I haven't touched anything close. It's like I read a book about what happened, but I didn't live the events. He's probably right.
But, at the same time, when I'm in someone's head, I'm there. I experience all the emotions, all the ups and downs. So it's not a book, per se, but it's not really real, either. It just feels real. It makes me a little surer of my perceptions of others than I would be otherwise. Sometimes it's with good reason – I mean, reading a book about someone still tells you more about him or her. And, sometimes, it doesn't.
Out of all the students here, the one whose head I've been in most is Scott's – and it's done me the least good. Not that I was in there for a particular reason or anything. I wasn't. But Scott's mind, like the rest of him, is complex.
First off, of course, he has the strongest natural shields of anyone I've ever met who wasn't a telepath. They're annoying and a godsend at the same time. He almost never shouts in my head by accident, but it takes a lot more work to get in there if he doesn't want me to.
Second, his mind just works differently.
Scott Summers is probably the most underestimated member of the team. Everyone is under he impression that he's the team leader because he follows the rules and actually bothers to practice in the danger room.
But that's not why. They only think that because he's a loner. And I'm not just saying that because I like him.
Scott's amazingly smart, has a lot of common sense (a misnomer if I ever heard one), and he just…he's logical. Scott is uncanny with logic, with strategy. All that stuff that no one else ever seems to be really good at. Nobody plays Risk with Scott. It would be like trying to play basketball against Shaquille O'Neal.
But to do all that, to think that logically, his mind just works differently than most people's. So, even if I manage to get inside his mind, it's that much harder for me to traverse. It takes that much more concentration, that much more control – which have always been my weakest points. But I'm always careful in someone's mind, just that much more so in Scott's.
His mind is so complex, though, that it took a long time for me to find out what he really thought of me – by accident, of course.
He may not shout in my head often, but he does occasionally.
Scott thinks the world of me. I've never had someone put as much faith in me as Scott has, and though I revel in it, I also fear it.
What if I fail him? What if I let him down?
Scott seems tough, but his heart is fragile. If I lost his trust, it would be gone. Period. So it scares me a little that he has that much faith in me, that he would trust me as much as he does.
I don't want to screw up. I love him. I don't want to screw up.
By contrast, the other loner on the team has no faith in me at all. I hate going into Rogue's mind. I always come out hating myself. Always. And considering my own view myself, that she can make me feel that much worse about my life is a noteworthy accomplishment.
I'm still not sure why she hates me so much.
Everyone says it's jealousy. She liked, likes, Scott. I can touch and she can't…. But, I think it's a little more fundamental. We just… we're just very different people.
I'm like her in all the worst ways, and completely unlike her in so many more. We're both horribly stubborn. We're both looking for that special bond with someone else, the one that will make you feel like you might actually be worth something.
Unfortunately, we both think we found it in the same guy. It's not jealousy, per se, it's just…horribly inconvenient. We both want the same thing, yes, but unlike typical jealousy, we aren't just going after it because the other person has it. We're both very, very insecure, is what it boils down to. And we both found security in the same boy.
But then we start to differ, Rogue and I. Her temper is less controlled than mine. Not because I don't have one, just because she doesn't feel the same pressure I do to keep it toned down – if only in front of the general public (which includes the other students). Whereas I am constantly looking for the best in a situation, if only because I feel it's my job to do so, she not only points out the worst, but she does so loudly. I bow in the face of authority. She refuses to cower before it.
In some ways, I guess I'm jealous of her. It may be me who gets the label of "popular" and gets to sit with the jocks at lunch. I might be the one with the perfect GPA and the one who has Scott's undivided attention – and affection. But Rogue has a sort of freedom I'll never have. She doesn't care about what other people think or want. I should take a lesson from that.
All the other students fall somewhere, to varying degrees, between the Scott and Rogue. I don't even think I'm a person to them, honestly. I'm a symbol. I'm the "good mutant" poster child, just because I came from a well-to-do family and because I look "normal". I'm "popular", I'm dating the football captain, and I get invites to all the parties, and still have good grades. I'm valedictorian, unless something huge changes before graduation.
I didn't ask for any of it. I didn't ask to be the poster child, the person who has everyone's eyes on her. What if I screw up? It would be me who had let everyone down – me who everyone would blame.
I hate having people mad at me. Absolutely, I just hate it.
It's a lot of pressure to never have the chance to screw up.
I don't screw up, but not because I'm perfect. It's because I'm not. Because I'm so damn afraid of disappointing the professor, Scott, the other students, my parents, that I've stopped letting the real me show through to the general public, just in case it reflects badly on the Institute.
Only four people know who I am at all. Scott knows me the best, I think. He was my best friend a long time before he was my boyfriend. Logan, well, he was here when I first arrived, too. I was a lot more myself when I first came to the Institute – scared and shy. Ororo was the person who first drew me out of my shell when I arrived, so I'd say she knows me fairly well. And Professor Xavier. He's like my father.
Who am I? I'm a person. I have faults. I'm short-tempered, self-conscious, a people-pleaser. I hate being the center of attention, because it means being the center of scrutiny. I'm tough on myself. Tougher than most people probably think I am. I'm a mutant. One who still has a her family, yes, but they aren't sure what to do with her anymore. I think it's almost more painful to have a family that doesn't publicly acknowledge anything has changed than to have one who acknowledged it and met it with anger. They don't hate me, but when we're in private and they can let themselves remember that I'm a mutant, it becomes apparent that I'm not really part of the family anymore. And every time I go over there, the feeling gets more and more acute.
Who am I?
Ask anyone.
I'm Jean Grey.
I'm Miss Perfect.
But not really.
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