The Akari Story.
HK: This is mainly just to prove that I am not, in fact, dead, or lost to my beloved fandom. Just my muses have grown in number, and appear to have discovered the television. Stupid muses... Anyway! One day while randomly talking with my sister, this loverly little plot bunny was born. What if Akari was kidnapped? Would anyone bother trying to save her? Just so you know, this… vaguely… follows the usual universe my SDK fics go in! Meaning the charas are all alive and kicking, with post-manga knowledge in some cases. They are also well aware of the existence of me, your authoress. :D Not too fond of me either, in some cases. :P
Disclaimer: I own nothing! Except some of my more crack-tastic ideas… :3
WARNINGS! …. This is a hard one. A little bad language? And copious, copious amounts of crack. :D
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Yuya had insisted on getting the old gang together for a reunion once every four years. Since the Mibu land was arguably the safest place to put the Shiseiten, Goyousei, Juuyushi (trying to see how many group names I remember :3), surviving Taishirou and Sanada Yukimura himself, Shinrei was volunteered to host the first reunion. Most of the guests had arrived and Yukimura was just hitting up the sake bar when a loud voice filled the room.
"Ladies and gentlemen? This is your kidnapper speaking. We have taken Akari of the Four Emperors, and we will not be giving her back unless you leave one million ryo by the first of the five star gates by sundown." Some muted whispering, and the voice sighed. "Also I've been told to request that Akira make the drop off the money, wearing one of Anna's aprons." There was a brief pause, then Yukimura turned quizzically to Shinrei.
"I wasn't aware that you had loud speakers installed, Shinrei-kun?" Shinrei groaned, pressing his forehead against his hand.
"I didn't. Loudspeakers don't exist yet. HK is just impatient." Akira, meanwhile, had jumped to his feet, glowering angrily at the ceiling.
"I will not! I am not going to humiliate myself for that witch!" Bontenmaru nodded, not bothering to get to his feet.
"Yeah, just leave her there. Akari can take care of herself." Hotaru frowned, tilting his head at the ceiling.
"Why do we have to pay money?" Shinrei snorted, folding his arms.
"Why would anyone pay for Akari?"
"WHAT?" All four men froze as the familiar voice of one very angry transvestite came over the loudspeakers. It seemed that HK hadn't been able to restrain Akari enough to stop her from getting her hands on the microphone, and now the drag queen was raging.
"HOW DARE YOU BE SO DISRESPECTFUL! I am your queen bee! How dare you not pay any sum for my release! That's it, I'm telling ALL of your secrets! Bon! Your teddy bear's name is Kyo! And you sing him a lullaby every night before you go to bed! You still cry over your mother when you get drunk! And there's more but I'm sure I heard Akira being mouthy! So you, brat, are next!"
Akira flinched, glaring at the ceiling.
"Stop it! You can't just blackmail us like that!" Yukimura chuckled, taking a gulp of sake.
"Speaking as one not being blackmailed, go for it Akari-chan!" Akari seemed to take Yukimura's sentiment to heart, even as Akira glared and sent a spire of ice at the samurai. It was blocked by Sasuke, without really switching his attention from the loudspeaker.
"I heard that! If you didn't want me to heal you anymore you just had to say! I wonder if anyone else knew that Akira is quite skilled at embroidery! Or that he dislikes drinking because he has the alcohol tolerance of a twelve year old girl! He also likes flowers and small rabbits. And he sings like a girl! And Mibu Shinrei has a heart tattoo on his ass!" All head turned to stare at Shinrei, who flushed cherry red.
"Wait, she heard me?" Akari's characteristic evil laugh filled the room, silencing even Yuan's whispered conversation with Saisei about whether or not this was true. Saisei was refusing to comment, for those who are interested.
"I hear everything, Shinrei. You should know that!" And suddenly the water user remembered something even more important.
"How did you know! I never told you that!"
And again, Akari laughed. It was chilling enough in real life when you remembered that this woman knew all your secrets, made louder and more mechanical by the speakers, it froze the blood.
"Your brother told me." Shinrei gaped at the ceiling for a moment, ignoring Yukimura, who was now looking at his ass contemplatively. Anger rising in him, he rounded on Hotaru.
"That is none of your business! How dare you tell her!" Utterly unfazed, Hotaru shrugged.
"I ran out of secrets, so I've been telling her yours." The tense worked its way through Shinrei's mind and he paled.
"How… for how long?" Hotaru shrugged again, glancing up at the speaker system.
"Five years?" Impending doom. All up in this bitch. Shinrei could see it quite clearly as Akari cackled over the speaker system.
It was another voice, clearly a little further away from the microphone that snapped him out of it.
"Damn it, my pencil broke… Do you have a pen?" Snapping back to himself, Shinrei spun to scream at the ceiling.
"HK YOU ARE NOT WRITING THIS DOWN!" You could clearly hear the vindictive glee in Akari's voice.
"You aren't in any position to be making demands! Not since you broke twelve of Fubuki's brush bowls!" Shinrei blushed angrily, and Fubuki turned and glared at him.
"I didn't do anything to you! Why are you doing this!"
"I have to teach you to respect me! Why, if I thought for one minute you felt anything but obedience and respect for me I'd have to tell everyone about the time you stole and wore Saisei's underwear for a day!"
And again, all heads turned to watch the furiously blushing water master. Shinrei was frustrated to the point where he actually shook his fist at the ceiling.
"You're making this up! I never did that!" Akari snickered vindictively into her microphone.
"Why would I bother making things up when the truth is so much funnier?" Sasuke smirked, flicking his kendama a few times.
"That's why I didn't say anything." Akira turned a dark glare on the little ninja.
"It isn't funny!" Kotaro chuckled, leaning back against the wall.
"It is from here." Akira glared at him too, but Akari was apparently bored of arguing with Shinrei over whether he had worn Saisei's underwear for a day or a week, and had moved on to Hotaru's secrets.
Technically the blonde had only been his normal confused self, but Akari hadn't actually listened to what he said before getting mad. It didn't really bother the fire user, so it sort of worked out.
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In a significantly smaller room, not all that far away really, HK giggled to herself as she scribbled furiously in her small note book. Akari had apparently meant it literally when she said all of the secrets, and the girl was having to write quite fast to keep up. On the other side of the room her older sister Katrina raised an eyebrow at her.
"This is what you planned all along, isn't it? What would you even have done with a ransom?" HK shrugged happily, still scribbling away.
"I figured it was so unlikely that I didn't think about it. Besides, it worked didn't it?" Katrina smirked reluctantly, finding it impossible to keep a straight face with Akari only a few feet away, screaming utterly ridiculous crap.
"You getting all of it?" Apparently even Akari needed to breath, as the tirade paused long enough for HK to finish writing and jam the end of the pen in her mouth.
"I think so… God I love Akari-sama." Akari glanced over at the sound of her name, and winked. The kidnapping was completely forgotten as the transvestite really got into ripping her old friends a new one. The idea that she was worth as much as Kyo's head also served to help out a little.
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HK: And for the first time ever there, Katrina was written solely by me! As the character usually represents my sister I've never written it without her before… but we made this plan together, and since she no longer writes with me, I couldn't just exclude her… The sad thing is, I doubt she'll ever even read this. Why you so lame now, nee-chan? Oh, and in case you missed the announcement, she's also getting married. Good luck with that my dear sister!