The Unhealthy Obsession With Super Mario Kart

By Beachchickrules

Another hot, summer day at my residence. Another day of intense, disabling vertigo. And another day of Super Mario Kart 150cc engine racing. Who am I exactly, you may ask. I can tell you that I'm the narrator of this story. I can also tell you that I am very similar to the writer known as Beachchickrules. In fact, I may even BE her… but I can't say for sure, because these fan fictions are not to be real-person based, as I so foolishly learned from the removal of my Star Fox 64 Interview from fanfiction.net.

After I ate a bowl of cereal and grabbed a cup of Dr. Pepper Red Fusion this morning, I went into the living room where my one true love awaited me…my Nintendo gaming consoles. What do they care if I don't conform to the standards set by everyday mindless drones?

Oops, I forgot my CDs. That Super Mario Kart music is almost as obnoxious as the sound of Britney Spears' voice, or seeing Beyonce Knowles jiggle her jelly around in New York on the Fourth Of July. I went upstairs to procure my necessities. I opened my 3-CD changer and snatched two personal mix CDs and two CDs by my favorite band of all time, The Offspring.

When I arrived in front of the TV in the living room and switched the indigo rectangular button of my SNES I've had for nine years, whom do I pick to race with? Why, none other than Princess Peach Toadstool. Video gaming is all about strategy, and mine is go-kart handling. If I can fly around the curves of the racetrack and weed through the other racers with precision, I don't need incredible top speed or strength.

With the remote control for the living room's 5-CD changer in my hand and my headphones placed on my ears with care, I select Mushroom Cup 150cc and press play on my remote. The sound of Clay Aiken's version of "Like A Bridge Over Troubled Water", originally by Simon and Garfunkel, fills my ears; Lakitu's light changes to green, and the other racers automatically run into me. I'm now in 6th. Great start, eh? No. That was sarcastic.

"Mario, do you have to run into me all the time?" Peach asks the solemn but cocky plumber as they zoom around curves. "After all, I AM the princess!"

"But of course! The restraints of everyday etiquette don't apply on the racetrack, as you should already know. Fend for yourself, my dear, as I have a gold trophy to win."

As we all are aware, Princess Peach is not used to defending herself on her own, but surely with my racing skill and agility, she will prevail…? We'll see…after I stop thinking about how Clay Aiken should've won American Idol, and after I stop laughing at the thought of all of Ruben Studdard's singles sitting in Sam Goody, unsold.

While absorbed into those booming vocals, Mario becomes invincible right in front of me. Not me as in the writer/narrator of this story, but me as in my character on Super Mario Kart on the TV screen, obviously. I don't even know why I wrote that. Now to punish myself… *picks up keyboard and hits self upside h—-fkhatuiewek49-—OW!* Ok, now the keyboard is placed safely on the desk in front of my arms as I desperately try to fend off what could be the 70th severe disabling vertigo attack I've had in the past 28 months.

Anyhoo, where was I? And no, I'm not Canadian, but I love that word, and Canadians are VERY cool. My favorite actor, Phil Hartman, was Canadian. But! I digress! I must return to writing about my gaming experience this morning before this story becomes too off-topic to post in the Mario section!

So yes, Peach runs into the invincible Mario while sliding around the last curve before the start/finish line on the first track, regardless of the effort I put into avoiding him. Peach spins around maniacally, losing 7,533,936,457,640 coins. Actually, she loses about five. That was just an exaggeration. It's a struggle, but Peach manages to finish 4th, just barely meeting the prerequisites of passing onto the next round. I, the person who controls Peach, am not that angry yet, as I punch my own thigh and growl softly, rather than doing the other things that you'll get to read about later.

A/N: So, how is it? If no one enjoys this story, I guess I won't post much more of it. This has to be one of my most random, spur-of-the-moment stories ever written. So! If you're craving more, inform me via review, and I'll add more chapters! Dudeness! (I say that WAY too much…)