Disclaimer: Claim, claim, I claim that I don't own them!
A/N: Angst again~ This time it's Tezuka's turn for a little angst! I hope it's not OOC, I made it not OOC as I can, and I hope I succeeded. Show your support by leaving me a review afterwards. Back to school...gah.
Loathed Love
By Lachrymosa13blue
Ever since I was a child, I found out that I have no problem covering up my real feelings and that I could just frown and look serious and they would all be fooled.
And I used it to my advantage.
I don't know how this little game of mine started.
All I knew is that when I met Fuji Syusuke, I wanted to…play with him.
Yes, I wanted…to see how this person who hides behind his own mask would crumble in my own little game.
---
What I didn't expect was him to fall in love with me.
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He treated me with special attention. Even in my own little entertainment, ignoring him, beating him, dragging him down, he still harbored feelings for me.
I dragged him down through tennis. I remembered him beating me once when we were first year. I wanted to break him right there and then, but my luck backfired and I'm the one who got defeat in the end.
The accusation and frustration he felt afterwards is something I never wanted.
But I wanted to continuously let him feel that I don't and won't ever love him.
I bruised him not physically, but psychologically.
Days came that he refused to look at me after I had my fair share of fun.
Then I would see him huddled up in the corner of the clubroom, wiping his tears, looking pathetic like he is.
I looked down on him.
With my standing right now, I won't let somebody that weak to stain me.
Never would I allow Fuji Syusuke to enter my life.
---
Had I thought he had given up on me?
I was wrong.
The weakling came to me and confessed.
And I gladly rejected him. I said I can't love someone like him.
I thought he gave up on me.
I was wrong.
---
The tables had turned. He got stronger. I don't know what happened, but…my constant treatment for him had no effect on him already.
He would spend his time with me, tolerating my snide remarks, my glares and my innuendos. He would help me with my work.
He was…tolerating me.
But I hated him…he already knew that.
I rejected him.
I hurt him too much already.
Why…why…why is he doing this to me?
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One time I allowed him to walk home with me. Had I known what will happen, I should have not agreed.
I've always thought he was over me.
That it was just his kindness that he display to me, despite what I've done to him, that he'd forgiven my cruelty.
But I was entirely mistaken.
When he kissed me that time, that night, it was my turn to crumble.
He apologized and said he got carried away, and that I should just forget it.
Yet…why do I feel different?
And why could I not forget?
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I knew I hated you.
The grimace that I make when I think of you is proof enough that I can stand even a thought of you.
But now…all I think is you.
---
I don't know what was happening to me.
Part of me still hated the sight of you acting the way I hadn't anticipated. Part of me wanted to feel your lips on mine again.
Perhaps…I'm going crazy.
Since, I pinned you to the wall one afternoon after practice and kissed you hungrily and yet you relented. You loved it I know.
But I don't know what to feel.
I just wanted you.
So badly…
---
I craved for you that moment.
In the heat of the moment you murmured against my lips that you love me.
I don't know what to do.
I don't love you.
---
After that moment, you avoided me again.
This time, I didn't feel like subjecting you to my manipulations.
This time, I just wanted to hold you so badly again.
This time, I'm uncertain of my feelings again.
---
I hated how you made me feel like this.
I hated how every stupid thing I've done to you backfired to me.
I hated how you made me hate you.
I hated how you made me start to like you in the end.
I hated how…how I fell in love with you.
---
So this where I ended, I ended up falling in love with the person I've always hated deeply. The person I'd always felt unworthy of something from me.
When I locked our lips again, this time meaning it because of what I've fallen into, you smiled at me and wiped stray tears from your eyes.
I love you, you said.
I hate you, I replied.
It made me smile when you answered 'I know' with a soft chuckle.
OWARI
A/N: So what do you think about the ending I chose? Thinking it's inappropriate for Tezuka to say 'I hate you' after Fuji telliing him 'I love you' when he already felt the same, I just couldn't help writing it that way. Tezuka was still shocked with the turn of events and Fuji accepted that Tezuka had always hated him before he eventually fell in love with him. So it's like a bittersweet thing. Loathed Love, as entitled. Fuji understood the underlying meaning of Tezuka's 'I hate you.' (giggles) I hope you enjoyed what I've written! Thanks again for reading. And leave me a review, my dear readers~