He insists on making promises that he will not be able to keep. That
he'll love me forever.. Always be there to protect me.. Never
forget me.. Things I've heard more than a hundren times from dozens of
different men, all eager to have me for their own. It was promises like
that which led me halfway across the world. Back when I was still
foolish enough to beleive such promises might actually be true.
Lord John Roxton... Even his name sends chills cascading up and down my spine. Dare I admit that I love him? No. I lost the abilit to love a long time ago. Right around the time I lost the ability to cry, and it's turned my heart ice. A heart of ice within a cage of pure steel. But the thought that anything might ever happen to him... it brings the tears I banished so long ago rushing back into my eyes, where they rest until I can push they away again. Because I up crying a long time ago. Tears never did anything for me, never brought me anything. So what good are they?
The power he holds over me, is scares me so badly sometimes. All of the others, they are more than happy to see me as the greedy, conceited, self-centered little bitch I try so hard to be. They are all too eager to beleive that I would sell their souls to the devil himself for the right amount of gold, of the perfect gemstone. But Roxton... He does his best to see the woman I'm trying so hard to hide. He sees my tears when I won't let them fall, and I wonder if he just might be different than the rest of them. If he might be that flawless diamond I've spent so long looking for. And I wonder if I am still strong enough to take such a risk.
We all have our deamons. Even John had a few to call his own. However, the ones I harbour.. I worry that once he sees them all.. that once he knows each by name, as I do.. I worry that they might frighten him away. That he'll flee with his tail between his legs like all the rest. And I wouldn't be able to stand it if he left.
I try so hard to trust him. Try so hard to lower the sheilds I've spent all these years putting up. Only be because I need to know if forever is really forever with him. Or if forever is just as long as we are on the Plateau, and I'm the best he's got. So, I try so hard to let him see me, just enough for him to get an idea of who I really am, without being able to see the whole picture. But even that is hard for me. And I keep thinking that maybe things are better the way they are. Better to remain teetering between good friends, and two people so deeply in love that they might go insane.
Then again, maybe it's time to leave everything behind. Sanity, safety, knowing what's going to happen next... Maybe they finally need to be left behind. Perhaps I have finally found someone to leave them behind for. But everytime I decide to let them go, that annoying little voice whispers ever so gently to my soul..
what if he abandons you too?
And instead of confessions of love, sarcastic words laced with poison
fly in his direction.
And so, we remain trapped. Each day, moving around and through one another in a dance we have perfected in these past few years. A dance we have polished, so that it now shines with enough brilliance to put the light of the sun to shame. And all the words that we will not say make the air between us so heavy that I fear I might choke with the simple task of saying hello.
But still, I cannot find the strenght I need to give in to him. Because there is always that little voice... That crippling fear..
what if he abandons you too?
Lord John Roxton... Even his name sends chills cascading up and down my spine. Dare I admit that I love him? No. I lost the abilit to love a long time ago. Right around the time I lost the ability to cry, and it's turned my heart ice. A heart of ice within a cage of pure steel. But the thought that anything might ever happen to him... it brings the tears I banished so long ago rushing back into my eyes, where they rest until I can push they away again. Because I up crying a long time ago. Tears never did anything for me, never brought me anything. So what good are they?
The power he holds over me, is scares me so badly sometimes. All of the others, they are more than happy to see me as the greedy, conceited, self-centered little bitch I try so hard to be. They are all too eager to beleive that I would sell their souls to the devil himself for the right amount of gold, of the perfect gemstone. But Roxton... He does his best to see the woman I'm trying so hard to hide. He sees my tears when I won't let them fall, and I wonder if he just might be different than the rest of them. If he might be that flawless diamond I've spent so long looking for. And I wonder if I am still strong enough to take such a risk.
We all have our deamons. Even John had a few to call his own. However, the ones I harbour.. I worry that once he sees them all.. that once he knows each by name, as I do.. I worry that they might frighten him away. That he'll flee with his tail between his legs like all the rest. And I wouldn't be able to stand it if he left.
I try so hard to trust him. Try so hard to lower the sheilds I've spent all these years putting up. Only be because I need to know if forever is really forever with him. Or if forever is just as long as we are on the Plateau, and I'm the best he's got. So, I try so hard to let him see me, just enough for him to get an idea of who I really am, without being able to see the whole picture. But even that is hard for me. And I keep thinking that maybe things are better the way they are. Better to remain teetering between good friends, and two people so deeply in love that they might go insane.
Then again, maybe it's time to leave everything behind. Sanity, safety, knowing what's going to happen next... Maybe they finally need to be left behind. Perhaps I have finally found someone to leave them behind for. But everytime I decide to let them go, that annoying little voice whispers ever so gently to my soul..
And so, we remain trapped. Each day, moving around and through one another in a dance we have perfected in these past few years. A dance we have polished, so that it now shines with enough brilliance to put the light of the sun to shame. And all the words that we will not say make the air between us so heavy that I fear I might choke with the simple task of saying hello.
But still, I cannot find the strenght I need to give in to him. Because there is always that little voice... That crippling fear..