Foreward: Yeah, I know I said I wasn't going to work on anything else until I finished Amongst the Dead, but I hit a bit of a writer's block. That, combined with my recent addiction to NarutoXHarem fics, resulted in… well… THIS.

Naruto will be blatantly super-powered, seriously eccentric, several hundred (thousand) years old, and a bit of a man-whore. His harem is going to be huge, including the nine bijuu, several deities, quite a few crossover girls, and, of course, the lovely girls of the Narutoverse. Just thought I'll get that out now, so that you can't say I didn't give you enough of a warning.

This fic's updates will be fucking far and few in-between, mainly because I'm merely using this to relieve some of my writer's block. So, if, by some small chance, you become a fan of this fic, I apologize in advance.

Also, you're going to see some ideas from here repeated in my future fics. Along with using this fic to unblock myself (hmm… mental constipation… now there's a thought), I'm going to use this as a sounding board- of sorts- for future ideas. So don't go bitching about repetitiveness later, because I'm just going to tell you I warned you now… before I sic a pack of rabid Tibetan Monks on you (Ha! Bet you haven't heard that one before, have you?).

Oh, and while I'm at it, I might as well put up my disclaimer: I don't own shit. I won't ever own shit. In fact, I recently had to sell my body to Disney due to… unfortunate circumstances, so now I don't even own MYSELF!! So lay off my ass, you bastards!

Ahem. Sorry 'bout that last bit. I've got issues. Moving on…

Now, without further ado, I present to you:

The Fanfic Stealer's

Blessed of Yggdrasil

Prologue: Life May Be a Bitch, But Kami-sama's Just Bored

Two beings of unimaginable power stared each other down from opposite sides of the battlefield. Around them the gathered audience waited with bated breath for the long-in-coming outcome.

On one side was Hild, Queen of Hell. Her perfectly sculpted, dusk-toned body had been known to literally send men into arousal-induced aneurisms, while her cunning mind and skills in seduction were second to none. Her perpetually messy bun of white hair and the star-shaped infernal marks on her forehead and cheeks lent her a mysterious, wild beauty, which her usual attire of a form-fitting, open-down-the-middle, barely-appropriate-for-any-occasion dress did nothing to suppress, even a little.

On the other side was a being of many names. Some called Him the Almighty, Jehovah, The Great I Am… the names mortals have for Him number greater then the stars in the skies, so for simplicity's sake He prefers Kami-sama. In Him is radiance no mortal can stand, the very mention of His name has many bowing in worship. He is the Ruler of Heaven, the Creator of All.

Both would not give up, steadfast in their belief that they would be the victor of this battle. For untold moments their wills clashed, the tension building up to unbearable levels.

Suddenly they tensed, and the gathered knew without a doubt that the battle was about to finally come to a conclusion. Their hands simultaneously moved at blinding speeds, as they dealt each other a final blow…

"Four of a kind, Aces!"

"Royal Flush, Spades!"

"DAMN IT!!"

…And so Hild won her 144th round of poker in a row. The gathered crowd- consisting of their family and some of their oldest and closest friends- cheered. Money traded hands as wagers being called in.

Kami-sama slouched in His seat and sighed as He watched all this; He might have been all-powerful, all-knowing, and older then the Sea of Worlds, but He still had his weaknesses, the most glaring of which was the inability to form anything that could even resemble a poker face. He sighed again, thanking… well… Himself that only those close to Him- basically everybody in the room at the moment- were aware of His rather embarrassing situation.

…Though maybe letting Hild-chan into it (she was his lover and the mother of one of His children, so that made her family, right?) might have been a mistake, as evident by his series of successive losses…

…Then again, in exchange she had let Him in on her weakness for cold and sweet foodstuffs, and He had since then used it to his advantage frequently during their… private time; who knew using her bellybutton as an ice cream bowl would turn her on so much?

As if sensing His naughty thoughts, Hild chose that moment to skip over and glomp onto His back in celebration, causing certain parts of her anatomy to press wonderfully into His shoulder. It was all He could do to suppress the nosebleed He could feel coming.

And there was Kami-sama's second weakness: even He was not immune to what some called "Dirty Old Man" syndrome.

In other words, He was a dirty old pervert.

Yes, Kami-sama, Creator of All, Ruler of Heaven, was a pervert. Go figure.

The cheering continued for several minutes, before the crowd, seeing that the game was over, dispersed, each leaving with either some congratulations for Hild, gentle ribbing for Him, or, in some cases, both. Eventually, only Hild and He, Himself were left, lazily lounging around the room in which the epic poker struggle had taken place.

"So, J-chan, what now?" Hild asked from her place on His lap. He had no idea when she'd made Him her chair, and He honestly couldn't bring Himself to care; totally hot girlfriend/lover with perfect bum sitting on His lap and occasionally making the most delicious little wiggles? Boo yeah!

Fighting His sudden hormone-induced haze, Kami-sama sighed piteously. "Not sure. Guess I'll go back to work…" He responded, while He mentally cursed, for the millionth time, the fact that He, in all of His infinite wisdom, had invented paperwork. What in the hells had possessed Him to invent such a travesty?!

The memory of what could possibly be His biggest mistake made Him sigh again, before he allowed Himself a small, vindictive smile: at least He didn't suffer alone; untold numbers of leaders also enjoyed the curse that was paperwork… ku ku ku…

"J-chan? What's with the evil laughter?"

Did she hear that? Whoops. Kami-sama quickly cleared His throat, mildly blushing at being caught doing something so… unlike Him. "Sorry about that. Just thinking about something fortunate," he explained.

"Right…" Hild drawled, knowing exactly just what her lover was thinking about; she herself occasionally felt the need to cackle evilly when she thought of the suffering of mortals who had paperwork to do. It was such a nice feeling knowing you weren't suffering alone. "Then, if that's all you have, maybe you can help me out a bit…"

He quirked an eyebrow at that. "Oh? And what can I do for my Hild-chan?"

"Well, do you remember Loki-tou-san?"

Kami-sama shivered on remembering the Trickster God. Loki- also known was the Lord of Nightmares or Chaos-sama, depending on who you asked- had a twisted sense of humor that bordered on deadly most of the time. Oh, he was a nice enough guy, but… well, what do you expect from the god who's Humility in a good portion of the Sea of Worlds is the psychotic villain known as the Joker?

"Yes. What's up?" He asked, masking His unease.

"Well, he and Sigyn-mama are finally having another child."

"Really? Good for them!" Kami-sama exclaimed, honestly happy for the couple. If He remembered correctly, the family had been completely broken over the deaths of Loki and Sigyn's twin boys during the Rebellion, and had never really healed completely. Good to know they had at least healed enough to make another go at parenthood. It just showed they were heading in the right direction.

"I know, isn't it?" Hild chirped, before sobering a bit. "Unfortunately, Loki-tou-san has decided that his job will conflict with raising this child, so he has decided that it is time for him to retire."

"Wait, what?" Kami-sama asked, wondering if He'd heard right. Loki was retiring? He didn't remember seeing this coming! What happened to being about to know everything?

Then He remembered that this was Loki He was dealing with. Being the Conceptual Deity of Chaos and Mischief, Loki's very nature would allow him to circumnavigate even His omniscience… which was quite fortunate, as far as He was concerned. It allowed some unpredictability in His otherwise predictable life.

And nobody liked predictability, even Kami-sama.

"So, who's his heir, then?" He asked, having gotten over His surprise surprisingly quickly for someone who got them only once in several dozen millennia.

"That's the thing- he has one picked out, but he wants your approval," Hild said. Kami-sama blinked in surprise once again, this time at the fact that Loki would value His opinion so much.

At this occurrence, a small (relatively, of course; it was still bigger if a consciousness can be called "big" than the minds of most deities) part of Kami-sama in the back of his mind noticed that this was two surprises in less then five minutes. A new record! W00t!!

Outwardly, Kami-sama recovered quickly and "huh"-ed. "I… see. May I ask why? I mean, it's HIS heir."

"Err… well… about that…" Hild mumbled sheepishly.

"Yes?" Kami-sama prodded, curiosity piqued.

Hild, in response, waved her hand at a bit of air near her, summoning a strange, translucent, laptop-like thing into existence: an Yggdrasil terminal, standard issue for divine beings. A few typed commands later, and she turned the screen towards Him. "Read," was all she said.

Kami-sama glanced at her briefly before following her command and reading the contents of the screen. When He finished, He looked over to Hild again.

"…And I take it he will be giving the customary blessing?" He asked.

"Yeah…"

"And it says here that he's letting each of your siblings, you, and his two wives also give a blessing each?"

"You, too, dear; Loki-tou-san says it's going to be a family event."

Kami-sama blinked at this revelation, then blinked again as He felt Himself start to tear up. "I'm family, Hild-chan…?" He asked, trying to keep the sudden outbreak of tears (tears? What tears? He wasn't crying, damnit!) at bay. "I'm… I'm touched, I really am," He continued, trying to discreetly wipe away some stray tears (what tears, damnit!). "Hold on. I seem to have a gnat in my eye."

"A gnat. Of course, J-chan," Hild said, her bemused glance telling Him just how much she believed Him.

After all, this was Heaven; there WERE no gnats.

One last wipe, a cleared throat, and Kami-sama had collected Himself enough to pretend nothing had ever happened. "So, when do we bless the heir?"

"As soon as you give your approval."

"Well, in that case…" He rose from his seat, taking a squealing Hild with Him and throwing her over His shoulder. "…No time like the present, eh?"

"Put me down, you brute!" she shouted, playfully hitting His back.

"Why? I like you just where you are, Hild-chan!" He replied with a laugh as he made His way out the door and to Loki's domain. He just knew this was going to be fun. Spending time with His girlfriend and her rather interesting (in a good way!) family aside, it was always fun to dabble in the mortal world; the mortal got to live a VERY interesting life, and they, as deities, got to watch that interesting life. Everybody wins!

And, of course, it went without saying that it sure as hell beat paperwork.

OoOoO

Uzumaki Naruto, newly aged five as of today, was not enjoying his birthday, as most little boys were wont to do. And who could blame him? Instead of hugs and well wishes, he got curses and threats; instead of a having a party with his friends, he got accosted by angry villagers and cornered in dirty alleyways; instead of getting presents and cake, he got near lethal beatings. Sure, he'd only had four birthdays so far, and that just made it all the sadder that he'd already picked out this pattern.

Of course, this year he found himself noticing a discrepancy in the pattern: instead of being found (and they would always find him, there was no doubt of that) in an alley, they caught up with him near one of the many forests within the walls of Konohagakure. So instead of running from the mob through the back-alleys of the village until he hit a dead end, he was now dodging trees and other such obstacles alongside various thrown implements from the mob. As far as he was concerned, that was an improvement; no dead ends in a forest, after all, so less chances of him being trapped and literally beaten to within an inch of his life. He just had to avoid stumbling, and he had a good chance of being (relatively) home free for the first time in his life.

On hindsight, with the life he'd had, he really should have known better then to think that. As soon as the thought had formed in his head, what he feared happened: he tripped over a loose stone he had missed in the elongating shadows of twilight. He could only mentally gripe '…What did I ever do to you, huh, Fate?' before he was falling, falling… and still falling?

'Huh? Where's the ground?' he wondered as he continued to fall. It took him a moment to realize that the scant light that had been present was now coming only from behind him and rapidly fading, illuminating not foliage, but rough dirt walls. After that, it was only an additional second before he realized he was falling down a hole.

'Do I dare hope? Have I escaped?' Naruto wondered, even as he continued falling, 'I mean, this looks like it would be really hard for a grownup to fit in, and I'm pretty sure they won't send kids down after me. After all, they never let me play with them, so why would they let them near me now?'

Though that last bit was a bit disheartening, the overall thought of having escaped the mob for the first time ever made him want to smile. Maybe he could pull this off again the next time they wanted to beat him! Oh, he was sure he wouldn't be able to escape all the beatings coming to him in the future- he was smart enough to be aware of the fact that he was never going to be THAT lucky- but now he had more places to hide than the broken-down apartment Hokage-jiji was able to find for him.

As relieved as he was, though, Naruto's finely honed instinct for danger eventually registered something off about his current situation. It took him a moment more to realize just what exactly was wrong: he was still falling, and had been for the last fifteen to twenty seconds. Despite his age and his lack of education, his young mind was able to comprehend the basics of the physics behind gravity, and he was pretty sure that falling for fifteen to twenty seconds meant the hole he was in was pretty deep… and that could only mean immense pain for him when he finally landed.

'…You suck, Fate' he was able to gripe before, with the horrifying- and sadly familiar- sound of multiple bones breaking, he was engulfed in incredible pain. Thankfully, unconsciousness was not long in coming afterwards, and Naruto sank into the blissful darkness.

OoOoO

Naruto woke up to the dull pain that had, like many equally unfortunate things in his life, become sadly familiar. But as far as he was concerned, this was one of the better feelings to wake up to; it told him that he was still alive and that the strange healing ability he'd had since before he could remember had once again pulled through for him. And with a life like his, one couldn't help but be thankful for the little things.

Assured that he was indeed still alive, he took the chance to look around his new surroundings… and was promptly met with complete darkness. For a moment, he was worried that his healing hadn't completely pulled through and he was now blind. But then his eyes started adjusting to the gloom, and he started registering rough-hewn stone walls around him. He sighed in relief and, with one last mental check for anything broken, got up from his position on the ground. He immediately winched as his body screamed in protest before settling down again into a dull throbbing mass.

'Well then, might as well look around,' he thought to himself as he looked around in the gloom, 'I still need to find some way to get out, since I can't go back the way I came.' He found himself in a tunnel that continued into the darkness on either side of him, with his limited visibility dropping about two-thirds of a meter away from him. Seeing no other option, he randomly picked a side and started walking.

OoOoO

What. The. HECK?!

Naruto couldn't quite believe what he was seeing before him: a giant pool of sparkling, crystal-clear, mysteriously-glowing water that was additionally lit with the equally mysterious motes of light floating about the room. The soothing sound of bubbling water echoed off the walls of the rather cozy room, along with… was that MUSIC he was hearing? He listened harder, and Naruto realized that, yes, it certainly was the soft strains of some strange, but soothing music that he was hearing, though it seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at once.

And then he noticed IT, and it became the only thing he saw.

Before him floated a giant crystal, easily bigger then his head and glowing a beautiful shade of blue that he couldn't begin to describe beyond the color. Its light filled him with such joy, such warmth, that he could have happily basked in its glow for the rest of his life. For the first time he could remember, he was feeling relaxed, almost carefree.

Almost as if it noticed he was there, the crystal suddenly glowed slightly brighter, and Naruto felt a tugging within him. The crystal was calling to him, beckoning him to be embraced by its warmth. And, starved as he was for this comfort that so many others took for granted, he willingly let himself fall to the siren call, reveling in this new feeling of being completely safe and letting it consume his world.

Naruto barely noticed when his body started reaching for the crystal on its own volition, clumsily wading through the shallow pool as it moved on autopilot. He DID notice, though, when his hand laid itself upon the glowing surface, but he couldn't bring himself to care; it just meant he was closer to this incredible, beautiful warmth.

As soon as his hand made contact, the warmth intensified, and he could feel something embracing him, accepting him. Whatever it was felt for him, understood him, welcomed him, and… loved him. Tears began to run down his cheeks as he was overwhelmed with emotions.

But then he got a feeling of grief, of warning, of regret from the crystal- for he was sure what he was feeling was this beautiful, beautiful crystal before him- and he only had a moment to wonder why before the warmth was replaced by a raging, burning inferno and he was being burned and the fire was burning him turning him into ash and it burned him and he was in pain and it hurt and it burned and it burned and it burned and it hurt and it BURNED AND IT BURNED AND IT BURNED WHY WON'T IT STOP BURNING KAMI PLEASE IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS IT HURTS WHYWON'T IT STOP PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF KAMI STOP STOP STOP STOP PLEASE IT BURNS IT BURNS IT BURNS IT BURNS IT-

Naruto would have sighed in relief as the pain faded into the abyss of unconsciousness, but his throat was a bloody, torn mess from his screams.

A/N:

How was that? Bad? Good? A mite bit disturbing? Reviews are greatly appreciated.

Oh, and for those of you who were wondering: yes, the glowing pool was from the Legend of Zelda series. No, there won't be fairies… maybe. This is, after all, a NarutoXHarem fic, so one never knows…