While the Harley's Away

"I'm just saying, it's all about sex," announced the Joker in the Rec Room at Arkham Asylum.

"Right, now who's the nymphomaniac?" demanded Harley Quinn.

"Yeah, I think you've been talking to Harley, Dr. Leland, or some of the other whitecoats too much, J," commented Two-Face. "You're coming up with some pretty wild theories – they're worthy of the shrinks."

"It's not a wild theory – it's perfectly sound," retorted the Joker. "How else do you explain my clown-related sexual urges?"

"I didn't know you had any sexual urges," retorted Poison Ivy. "Certainly not clown-related if you do – more Bat-related."

"Cute, Weed Lady, but I know Harley has gossiped to you about our sex life so that you probably know a lot more than you ever wanted to know," said Joker, smiling at her. "I'm just saying, my persona is obviously related in some way to my sexual fetishes, and I think that's true for all of us. Harley and me are both into clowns. You're into plants, in more ways than one…"

"For the last time, I don't have sex with plants!" snapped Ivy.

"Oh c'mon, you've gossiped to Harley about your sex life too!" snapped Joker. "Don't think she didn't share the embarrassing stuff with me!"

"So explain me," said Two-Face. "How does the two thing relate to my sex life?"

"Well, you do hook up with the Weed Lady, and she's two-faced!" said the Joker, grinning. He laughed hysterically, raising his hand. "C'mon, that was great! Don't leave me hanging!"

Two-Face just glared at him, as did Harley and Ivy. "Hatty, gimme five!" shouted Joker, as Jervis Tetch entered the room followed by Jonathan Crane.

"Five of what?" asked Tetch, puzzled.

"A high five, genius," snapped Joker. "I just burned Pammie!"

"And you're seeking some form of peer validation for your wit, is that it?" asked Crane. "One would think a real wit wouldn't need that."

"What, like you?" asked Joker. "The last thing you burned was probably that time you set yourself on fire with your own straw! And speaking of things on fire, gimme some!" he said, raising his hand again in expectation of another high five. No one obliged him. "You know, you all are a bunch of humorless losers," declared Joker. "I dunno why I waste my time with you sad sacks when you can't appreciate a perfectly good joke."

"Harley, you have a letter," said Dr. Leland, entering the room at that moment.

"Doc, back me up here," said Joker, turning to her. "Do you think we all act the way we do because of subconscious sexual urges which manifest themselves in our personalities?"

"Well, that would be the Freudian reading," agreed Dr. Leland. "But modern psychiatry challenges a lot of his conclusions. My theory is that you're all the way you are because of individual traumas which you haven't been able to move on from. You and your accident, Joker, Harley and her mad infatuation with you, Ivy and her betrayal by Jason Woodrue, Harvey and his accident, Jonathan and his childhood bullying, and Jervis and his unrequited love. Rather than trying to come to terms with these things, you instead exaggerate their importance so they become obsessions, and eventually your entire identity. Basically, you're all a bunch of drama queens."

Everyone began protesting loudly at this, further proving Dr. Leland's point, as she headed for the door with a smile. "Will you all button your yaps?" demanded Harley, waving her hand. "I'm trying to read here!"

"Who's the letter from, pooh?" asked Joker, trying to glance over her shoulder.

"Mom and Dad," said Harley, scanning it with a frown on her face. "They're having their thirtieth wedding anniversary party this weekend, and they want me to come if I can. I guess I can bust outta here by then."

"That sounds like a laugh riot," said Joker, beaming. "We'd love to crash their party!"

"I don't think they want us to crash it," retorted Harley. "You're explicitly not invited."

Joker laughed. "Nice joke, Harl," he said, seizing the letter from her. "Hey…wait a minute…it's not a joke," he said, reading it. "Your Mom's written, 'We'd very much prefer if you were unaccompanied,' and your Father's written in the margins, 'That means under no circumstances are you to bring that abusive psychopath you call your boyfriend.'"

Joker's smile fell. "Well, I don't mind telling you, I'm a little offended," he said. "I thought the last time we met, your parents and I had come to some understanding."

"I don't think it's personal - I mostly think they don't trust you not to cause a scene," said Harley, looking up at him. "And because I know you a lot better than they do, neither do I."

"Fine, we won't go, then," muttered Joker. "I just hate refusing invitations to a party though – I feel like such a party pooper. That's the definition of everything I hate."

"I'm going, Mr. J," said Harley. "You're not."

Everyone in the Rec Room stared at her in disbelief. They had never heard Harley speak in such a stern, no-nonsense tone to the Joker. And they had never heard her order him around. No one looked more shocked than Joker himself.

"Harley…I'll be going if I want to go," he said, slowly. "Because I'm in charge of what I do, and nobody tells me what to do and don't do."

"I'm telling you you're not going," retorted Harley, in the same stern tone. "Believe me, my relationship with my parents is fragile at best, and the last thing I need is you ruining their big anniversary party so that they never speak to me again. So you're not going anywhere near it. You're going to stay home."

"Alone?" demanded Joker. "I most certainly am not! I get bored without an audience, and boredom is something I absolutely will not tolerate! Besides, who will do all the menial tasks like cooking and cleaning for me?"

"You'll just have to cope, Mr. J," said Harley. "You coped before I came into the picture, after all."

"I did better than cope!" snapped Joker. "I flourished! Then you waltzed in and started cramping my style! Well, I don't need you, sweetheart! Yeah, go off without me, see if I care! I can do just fine on my own!"

"Great," said Harley, smiling and standing up. "I'll RSVP right now and tell them I'm coming alone. I'll tell Mom and Dad you said hi," she said, heading back to her cell.

Everyone stared after her, and then turned to Joker. "What are you all looking at?" he demanded.

"You got told, J," said Ivy, grinning at him. "It's so refreshing to see Harley stand up for herself like that. I honestly didn't know she had it in her."

"I didn't get told!" snapped Joker. "I didn't wanna go to some stupid wedding anniversary anyway! I'd probably be bored outta my skull, all those speeches and glad-handing and crap! I'm not going because I don't wanna, not because Harley told me I couldn't! I'm my own man, and nobody tells me what I can and can't do! Believe me, if I wanted to go, I'd be there! Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta go gouge out one of the cafeteria staff's eyes with a spoon, for funsies."

"He's just doing that to reassert his masculinity after Harley whipped him good," said Two-Face, smiling as Joker left.

"She's absolutely magnificent," sighed Crane. "I grow more in love with her every day."

Everyone turned to stare at him. "I mean…more in awe, not more in love," he stammered. "I didn't say love. I said awe. You all must have misheard me. Excuse me," he said, hurrying over to the bookcase.

"Psst, Johnny!" whispered a voice. He turned to see Harley standing in the doorway, beckoning him over. "I was waiting for Mr. J to leave before I spoke to you," she said. "It's kinda important, and I don't want him overhearing it."

"Oh…yes?" stammered Crane, not daring to hope that all his dreams were about to come true.

"I was just wondering, since you're such a good friend, if you could do me a super huge favor," said Harley, batting her big, baby blue eyes at him.

"Anything, my dear," he gasped.

"Well, I hate leaving Mr. J on his own – he's only gonna get into trouble, and I don't trust him not to try and show up at the anniversary party anyway just to spite me when he realizes I've used reverse psychology on him," said Harley. "I was wondering if you could keep an eye on him while I'm away, just to make sure he stays outta trouble."

Crane stared at her. "You mean…sort of…babysit him?"

"Yeah, that's it exactly," said Harley, beaming. "He needs someone to look after him, poor guy. I mean, despite all his talk about being independent and not needing me, he's really helpless without me. Sometimes when I'm in here and he's not, I bust out and find him living in filth surrounded by rotting takeaway boxes. I can't bear to think of him like that all weekend. And like I said, I don't want him showing up and causing a scene at this party. I'd ask Red to look after him, but I'm afraid I might come back to find them both dead with a death grip around the other's throat. Anyway, you're my best friend aside from Red, so could you do this for me, pretty please? I'll owe you forever."

There were few things Crane would rather do less in this world than acquiesce to Harley's request. He would honestly have rather set himself on fire again. But there she stood, smiling at him and pleading with her gorgeous, big, blue eyes, shining in hope, and he found his tongue disobeying his brain and every other instinct as it said, "Of course, my dear. That will be no problem at all."

"Aw, thanks, Johnny!" said Harley, beaming as she hugged him tightly. "I'll only be gone for the weekend, so if you could just stop by on Saturday and Sunday…actually, you should probably include Friday evening too, because I'll need to drive up Friday afternoon. And feel free to call me if there's any trouble – I'll try and check my phone as often as I can. And be sure to let me know how I can return the favor," she said, kissing his cheek and skipping off.

Crane began indulging his fantasies of how she could return the favor, which he knew damn well he would never really ask her to do, as he walked back into the Rec Room. "What did Harley want?" asked Tetch, looking up from his book.

"Oh, she just wants me to do a little favor for her when she's away for the weekend," said Crane, lightly. "Just a tiny, little, unimportant thing. I said I would."

"Oh yes?" asked Tetch. "What's the favor?"

"Just to look in on Joker," said Crane. "Make sure he's coping all right without her and sort of…look after him."

Tetch stared at him. "Harley wants you to babysit the Joker?"

"I'm not babysitting him – he's a grown man!" snapped Crane.

"That's debatable," retorted Tetch.

"I'm telling you, Doc, he deserved to be blinded!" Joker cried, as they heard him being escorted back to his cell. "The lasagna was burned at lunch today! Any chef who couldn't see that doesn't deserve to have his sight! I don't understand why I'm being punished for doing a public service and saving the world from bad cooks!"

"Well, it's going to be a fun weekend," sighed Crane. He only hoped he would still have his sight, let alone his sanity, by the end of it.