Author's note: this is a short, very pointless fic. The other day, for some unknown reason, the conversation between Duke Fabre and Peony just popped into my head. The fic is not related in any way to the "Bonded" series and is really just a chance for me to take my pet crazy for walkies. I do not own Tales of the Abyss or any of the characters contained.
Peony's Remday
There were some very nice perks that came with being the ruler of half the world.
For one one thing, you pretty much had your choice when it came to parking spaces. No one was going to slap a ticket on His Majesty's carriage, after all, even if you did on occasion (and only if there were absolutely no other slots available and it was a dire emergency) park in handicapped spaces.
For another thing, even though Peony was well above the temptation of bribery it didn't stop the people of Malkuth from trying. Every day various gifts and goodies were delivered to the palace, and just because he had no intention of acting on the bribes didn't mean he didn't feel entitled to keep the gifts behind them. Served them right, the greedy things, trying to tempt such an honest man into betraying his duty. One particular nobleman (who wanted one thing, for the city of Grand Chokmah to be renamed after his favorite daughter Bertha) had been sending a basket of chocolate a week for over three years now. It wasn't really good chocolate (a bit too sweet) and Peony didn't think that people would be too eager to tell their friends they spend two nights in Bertha, but the gentleman had tenacity in any case.
However, there were some distinct disadvantages too. If he had his way he'd spend the entire day watching horse-races, chasing around chambermaids, and playing Empire Wars on Facebook. But no...nothing could be that easy. They actually expected him to rule the damn country.
This Remday was shaping up to be no different.
"It's like this." Duke Fabre sighed in exasperation, staring at His Majesty Emperor Peony the IX as if he were ignorant beyond the Duke's wildest imagination. "It's simply a matter of common decency and respect, that's why! When I destroy something I expect it to have the courtesy to remain destroyed. It's like when you kill someone. You expect them to politely stay dead, not get back on their feet and turn up their bum at you."
"Well, yes." Peony agreed. "But when it comes right down to it, you didn't really destroy Hod, did you? We did that."
"Well, then, you agree with me. Hod has to go." Duke Fabre folded his arms in triumph.
"Well, we'd rather not." Peony shrugged. "We're just starting to get it resettled and property values are soaring. In fact, I'm thinking of buying a summer home there." He settled back on his throne and bit into an apple. At least, he assumed it was an apple. Whatever it was, it was red. Close enough to spit across, as his dear old Granny used to say (and if anyone knew spitting, it was Granny. World champion for over fifty years, bless her heart.)
Duke Fabre reached into his pocket and pulled out a gald coin, waving it in front of Peony's face. "How about now?"
"Are you really trying to bribe me with a single gald?" Peony asked, munching away.
"Well, times are tight. Natalia's making us invest all of our savings in feeding the orphans and tending to starving monsters. I say just feed the orphans to the monsters. Or the monsters to the orphans; same difference really. I can go as high as two gald. Take it or leave it."
"I'll have to pass. Thank you. See my guard on the way out to have your parking validated."
Duke Fabre walked toward the door of the throne room, and then turned around again. "Just a small piece, then? Off the corner? Where no one would notice?"
"Good day, Duke."
****************************
"Because I need you, that's why." Peony threw up his hands in exasperation. "Besides, you promisssssseeeeddd."
Jade leaned back in his office chair, his feet propped up on top of a large, wooden trunk. The trunk didn't seem to like this at all; it was making an awful racket, jumping about and screaming muffled obscenities.
"I know absolutely nothing about the subject. Assuming Malkuth does in fact have talent what talent exactly am I supposed to be looking for?" Jade thumped one booted heel down on top of the trunk.
"Beats the hell out of me, but you're sarcastic and have an English accent. All of these talent thingys have to have someone sarcastic with an English accent. It's the law or something." Peony thrust a document into Jade's face. "See? Right here, Emperor Periwinkle the VI put it into effect 500 years ago."
Jade examined the document, noting that Emperor Periwinkle the VI had remarkably similar handwriting to Emperor Peony the IX. "Fine, I'll do it. But I don't intend to go easy on anyone, even children. Especially children. Or women. Or men."
"Excellent. I knew I could count on you. By the way, Dist escaped from prison again. You haven't seen him, have you?"
The trunk screamed. Jade kicked it soundly. "Not a hair of him. Please don't let him find out about his talent show. I really don't have it in me to sit through yet another one of his renditions of 'Every Breath You Take'."
Jade's participation secured, Peony left Jade and his surly trunk to themselves and opened the door, only to two soldiers dragging a bound and very angry-looking Dist down the hallway. "This time they're not showing you any mercy!" One of the guards was shouting at Dist. "Sorry, Your Majesty. We caught him rehearsing for the talent show in public. Six people are dead; threw themselves in front of a carriage."
"The ignorant savages were obviously overwhelmed by the pure beauty and magnificence of my voice." Dist shot back. "I'm obviously going to win this silly contest, and the grand prize. The judge of my choice!"
"Errr, the prize is 100,000,00 gald." Peony felt the need to point out.
Dist narrowed his eyes. "A judge won't cost you anything..."
"We do not allow people to be given away as prizes in Malkuth!"
"Well, you damn well should!" Dist stamped his foot, and stuck out his tongue at Peony as the guards continued to drag him away.
Fantastic. Dist knew about the talent show, and now Jade was going to be mad at him. As if any of this was his fault, Peony grumbled to himself. Oh, well, no help for it at this point. Might as well grit his teeth and get on with the next task.
The next task was a daily one, consisting of turning down all of the various marriage invitations that had filtered in from the day before. There had to be some tact to it, of course, and it wasn't something he could really trust to an assistant. That was just plain tacky. So he forced himself to sit down at his desk and write a short, direct response to each one.
...flattered beyond words at your interest, however due to my much-valued friendship with your current husband...
....believe in my heart you deserve someone far more worthy of your talents and wisdom, and can deeply appreciate the 95 years you've spent developing such...
...but if you moved to Grand Chokmah to reign at my side, as you are indeed worthy, who would rule Chesedonia in your absence, my dear Astor?
He finally finished addressing the last of the notes, and was just about to head off for a much-needed chambermaid break (there was a lovely one who couldn't say much more than 'Norty, Norty, Yer Majesty' but she said it SO well...) when there was a frantic knocking at the door.
"Your Majesty! You're needed."
Of course he was. Peony sighed to himself. "What is it this time?" He opened the door to address the frantic soldier in person.
"Dire news, Sir. We've lost Engeve."
"Lost Engeve? You mean to Kimlasca?"
"No..." The soldier paused. "Seems we've misplaced it."
"What do you mean, misplaced it? You can't misplace a village. It has to be right where you left it!"
"Well, it's not." The soldier was irritated. "We got a report from St. Binah demanding to know what we've done with it. We've checked everywhere, Your Majesty. It's just not there any more."
"Fine, I'll get the Albiore, but if it's where it's supposed to be I'm going to be very upset."
How silly, losing a village. The very idea...
**************************
In the end, it took a good portion of the rest of Peony's Remday before Engeve could be located. Longer than that to calm down the rather upset villagers, who had not liked being misplaced one bit and wanted him to know about it. In Peony's mind, they were back, everyone was safe, no one had been killed, and the fruit wasn't even bruised. What more did they want from him?
"In conclusion." Peony wrote, hoping his writing looked stern enough on the letter. "Malkuth recognizes and respects Belkend and Sheridan as Kimlascan territory. Malkuth also respects and even approves of the yearly competitions between Belkend and Sheridan, considered by both of our countries a valuable learning experience for bright young minds. However, and gentlemen, I cannot stress this enough, Malkuth will not stand for our villages to be shifted to alternate dimensions or places in the space-time continuum for the sake of such competition. Please advise the students at your respective academies of this at once."
He glanced at the darkening sky outside the window. Well, there was still enough time to chase at least one chambermaid before bedtime, and possibly get in some practice for the talent show. Not that he was allowed to win, of course, but it was good for his people to see that at the end of the day he really was just one of them.
He headed down the hall toward the area the chambermaids liked to frequent, passing by Jade, who was dragging the now-sobbing trunk by a thick piece of rope. Why Jade had brought the thing into the palace, he had no idea. He was glad his storage devices had more manners than that one; over emotional luggage did nothing for him.
"Good night, Jade. Enjoy your evening."
"Good night, Your Majesty. I fully intend to." He gave the trunk an evil leer.
"Your Majesty!" A guard ran up to Peony, panting. "We have a major problem, sir. The God-General Dist escaped again. He's on top of the hotel singing 'I Dreamed a Dream'. It's bad, Your Majesty."
Peony gave Jade a hopeful look. "Sorry, I'm off duty." Jade shrugged. "Budget cuts, you know. They're not approving overtime rates."
"You're salaried. You don't get overtime anyway!" Peony retorted, but Jade and his sad trunk were already out of ear-shot.
"Fine, fine, I'm on my way." Peony assured the guard, and then to muttered to himself.
"I hate Remdays."