A/N:
Misha (MishaMuse on FF) and I sat up one night in late May, discussing Camp NaNo in June (a writing program in the summer). After talking it over, we thought combining my favorite movie series and my favorite sport/television show/fandom would make a great story. So, we decided a Final Destination parody with WWE wrestlers was a good idea, seeing as no one had written it before. This is being posted later because I had no internet access then. This was written when I was very tired, so if any of it seems weird, feedback is greatly appreciated.
Disclaimer:
Trying to follow along with the original story lines of the film, the deaths are going to be complicated and originate with a huge accident that leaves a few survivors, etc., etc. This is meant to be silly and fun, and not offensive. Also, this is based off of a movie series in which people die in strange, freak accidents one by one. With that in mind, please remember that this is a joke and meant to be a parody of a horror movie and I do not wish any of the superstars ill. I also don't own any of the wrestlers, but I do own the orca. His name is Jim. Thank you.
Final Jeffination
Day One
4:30 p.m.
Punk carefully inspected the slip of paper he'd been handed earlier. In small, badly written letters was an address. He peered up from the slip at the dilapidated, green building in front of him that looked as if it may have been a grocery store at some point. Is this the right address? he asked himself, furrowing his brow.
He turned to get back into his car and drive as far from the building as possible, but was stopped by a hand grabbing his arm. He jumped a little, "I thought you wouldn't make it! I'm so glad you came!" He turned to see an ecstatic Jeff Hardy.
"Um, yeah, Jeff, what exactly are we celebrating?" He asked, then glancing down at his arm, "You can let go now."
"The anniversary of the release of sour skittles!" He beamed. Punk attempted to pull his arm back, the blonde only tightening his grip.
Punk raised his brow quizzically, "...The anniversary of sour skittles? I thought it was someone's birthday or something."
"The birthday of sour skittles!" Jeff said, finally releasing the other man's arm, "Come on, the rest are waiting inside!" Jeff skipped in with a less than enthusiastic Punk in tow. Inside, many of his coworkers stood chatting in front of counters and large shelving units. Christian was shuffling through a handful of photos, showing them to everyone he could. He blocked Punk as he began to walk past him.
He shuffled through his photos, pulling one out and shoving it towards the other wrestler. It was a picture of four cats sitting on a sofa in a row, "Look at my kitties, aren't the gorgeous? I call them my fuzzy babies." He grinned.
"That's great," Punk said uneasily looking at the wall, running his fingers over strange indentations that had been painted over. "Are those...bullet holes in the wall?"
"Oh, probably." Christian shuffled through his photos again, "Hey, want to see one of my tabby? She falls asleep on my pillow and I don't have the heart to move her, so I just sleep on the floor sometimes. She's so cute!"
"I'll pass." Punk said.
"I'll have the pinata set up in ten!" Jeff said, putting a large, bright orange sun pinata on a hook in the ceiling. He stood on the top of a step ladder, which was stable except for one uneven leg. The ladder wobbled a little and Jeff fell back on to the ground, the colorful pinata cradled in one arm, "Ow! Khali, can you come put this up?"
The large man nodded and took the pinata from Jeff. "Are you okay?" Punk approached Jeff, and knelt down, offering his hand to the blonde.
Jeff immeadietly grabbed his hand, "Oh, I'm great now!" He stood and Punk took his hand away, with some resistance from Jeff.
Miz arrived, swinging open the door and slamming it shut behind him. The building gave a small shudder, and the metal storage room door, on only two of it's rusty hinges, rattled violently. The door hit an automatic air pump that had been left from the days when it had been a store, still attached to a display pool toy orca that had been one of the many summer displays. "Don't slam the door!" Growled Orton.
"You're just in time!" Jeff said, leaving Punk's side to stand next to the faux-hawked man and his friend. The air pump began to inflate the pool toy orca slowly, the deflated animal becoming more life-like as it did. The storage room door made a slight noise as the inflatable creature pressed against the door. Khali took a step on the ladder, the hook just out of his grasp.
Miz and Morrison moved over toward the storage room, to get out of the center of the crowd. "Hey, you know, Jeff," Edge said, feeling cautious and stepping back, "maybe your pinata isn't the best idea..." Khali took a step higher on the ladder and it wobbled slightly.
"I think it's a great idea!" Jeff said, "Don't ruin the surprise."
The word "surprise" made Punk a bit uncomfortable. The inflatable orca was now twice it's recommended size. The air continued to gather in it, causing to to pop loudly. The door fell off of it's hinges due to the force, creating a much louder sound when it came down on Morrison, letting out a sickly crack and splattering Miz's shoes and the bottom of his pants with a sticky, deep red substance. "John!" Miz shrieked.
Khali jumped due to this loud noise, falling back, and letting the pinata fly out of his hands in the opposite direction. Jeff, being the not-so-clever blonde that he was, had meant to put a small, popping explosive into the pinata. When the pinata was bust open, it would create a crackle and small flash.
Jeff, frankly, did not know his left hand from his right. Nor did he know the difference between a reputable business and a backyard salesman. The small flash that would have been, due to the quantity of a badly homemade firework, was instead closer to the explosion of a C4.
The pinata hit the wall, causing a fiery explosion, instantly causing Alberto and Khali, the closest to be hit with a wave of fire. The Rock attempted to dive away from the projectile, having seen it work in many action movies, hitting a wall dead on with a loud thunk. The force of the explosion caused Edge to fly back at a very strange angle and become a projectile. He then speared Rey Mysterio through the stomach with his head, the heat fusing the two to the wall. Blood gurgled up in Rey's mouth as he managed a quiet whimper.
Jericho and Cena attempted to find a place to duck. The shelving units fell like dominoes, the last one falling and throwing a loose shelf. It connected with Chris, decapitating him. In his panic, Cena tripped over Jericho and also met the sharp side of the shelf. Chrisitan shoved Beth Phoenix through the glass of the door in an attempt to shatter it and get out of the building that was now being engulfed by flames. Zack attempted to shove past him, and they were both crushed by the falling front door.
Kelly stood absentmindedly staring at her cell phone, wondering why it felt so warm in the building. Sheamus attempted to get away from it by going through the storage room, which was filled with many left over pool toys, frisbees, and other summer things that were to be on display. Most of the items had been knocked to the floor, and the floor wasn't visible anymore. Sheamus stepped through a weak spot and badly twisted his ankle as the flames made their way towards him.
Randy, HHH, and Matt were trapped behind the fallen shelving units. Miz, grief stricken, refused to leave the side of the door that Morrison had been crushed by. Punk and Jeff made a dash for the front door, which Zack, Christian, and Beth were under. Punk had made it to the doorway when Jeff let out a small squeak, "I'm stuck!"
"Grab my hand!" Punk held out his arm, the blonde gripping on to him. He tugged, attempting to pull Jeff out as the man began to shriek before he was completely engulfed in flame. Punk let go, his hands badly burnt, when he heard a loud crack. He looked up as the doorway's beam began to fall.
"Hey, want to see one of my tabby? She falls asleep on my pillow and I don't have the heart to move her, so I just sleep on the floor sometimes. She's so cute!" Christian said, pulling Punk out of his dream. He shook, his breath heavy.
"Are you okay?" Christian asked.
Punk looked at the wall. There were four strange indentations that had been painted over with green. "Ow!" Jeff exclaimed, "Khali, can you come get this?" Miz opened the door, slamming it loudly behind him.