If It Could Be Different
Stepping out onto the decking of the hanger bay, his boots clicked with a wonderfully precise sound. It sounded good to his ears because it was the one thing that always was in this war filled with things that just weren't always absolute. Finally off planet and en route. It always felt good to pull up roots and head out into the blackness of space. This was no different and he smiled underneath his helmet.
"We will be jumping in approximately two minutes," a trooper stated and handed Rex a datapad with information scrolling across it at break neck speed. "This is an upfeed of all the wounded and dead."
Rex shoved the datapad back at the man punching it into the stomach of the trooper's armor and causing him to gasp. "I don't want to read the names of those who have been killed during this thankless mission," he said in a rough grizzly tone. Removing his helmet he rubbed a gloved hand over his head, feeling the skin through the gloves a strange sensation, but you could get used to it. "I want to know what we did wrong and why it cost so many people their lives."
The clone, who had fallen into stride with Rex as the captain moved across the deck, shook his head. "These are the reports as they are presented," the voice said through the helmet's vocalizer. "I don't understand what you want."
Rex stopped, placed his hands on the butts of his holstered blasters and looked at the trooper. "Who is sending me these yeoman who don't have a clue about how I work?" he asked rather loudly to no one in particular and to make the trooper feel insignificant. Shaking his head, Rex clamped the trooper on the shoulder. "I'm telling you I don't read the reports on the dead until later when I can be alone, what I want you to get ahold of is where the break was in our line and I want a diagram," Rex said smiling and thunking himself on the side of the head with his hand. "I'm a slow learner."
Rex moved along, making the trooper take a double step to catch up. Yeoman, which he had gotten several of in the past couple of weeks, were a distraction he didn't really care for, but as he ranked, it was called for. They were the ones who kept the reports flowing to him and kept him up to date on what was happening on the ship and the grumblings of his men. He would get one trained to work well with him and then they would be blasted to bits in the next campaign. So he continued to teach them, although he knew they wouldn't be around long enough to use the anything they had learned. It was infuriating.
"What you can do for me now," Rex said and tapped the turbolift button which indicated up and then turned to face the trooper. "You can get me some chow and I wouldn't mind a couple bottles of spiced Corellian Ale. Think you can manage?"
The trooper nodded and Rex watched as the helmet bobbed up and down. He was sure under that helmet the trooper was making all kinds of faces at him. It was he would do if he were being ordered around like Rex was doing.
"So get it done," Rex said raising his eyebrows at the trooper and watching as he groveled away.
Rex placed his index finger and middle finger on opposite sides of the bridge of his nose and pressed. It wasn't good to get these kind of splitting headaches. Maybe he had been decanted too quickly or the flash training was starting to be too much for his head to hold. He didn't know and right now, he didn't care. If his head exploded then he wouldn't have to train anymore yeoman and he was would be glad for that one little bit of paradise.
Stepping into the turbolift, Rex placed his helmet between his boots and leaned back against the wall. He would enjoy this ride, if it killed him. Seemed like the only silence he got these days was in the turbolift or the head, well at least the turbolift.
Sighing, he pushed the button for full stop and stood there doing nothing and enjoying the absolute silence which encircled him. No one was calling out in pain or wanting orders from him. There was no nagging need to prove himself to anyone and he could just relax. He didn't even relax when he slept. Always being pried out of bed at all hours of the night for one reason or another. A soldier's work was never ending and it was wearing on the few nerves he had left.
Punching the start button, Rex relaxed against the wall again just waiting for the doors to swish open. And when they did, he was surprised. Standing there, hands on her hips, was Ahsoka. She had a smile plastered on her face and she was eyeing him with displeasure.
"You had to intimidate your new yeoman, didn't you?" she asked, her headtails twitching slightly as she spoke. "Had to act as though you were this big bad captain."
Rex picked up his helmet and stepped out of the turbolift, shoving Ahsoka playfully as he made his way into the hallway. "I wasn't acting," he said and placed his helmet under his arm in perfect military precision. "I am a big bad captain."
Ahsoka punched him in the arm and then smiled brightly. She was always there when he returned to the ship to greet him. It was part of their ritual and breaking ritual was something soldiers didn't like to do. They were a superstitious lot. She had fought brilliantly down on the dirt, but generals usually went back to the ship prior to the clone garrisons which were left behind to do the mop up jobs that were required.
"C'mon," Rex said and headed down the hall. "I've got that yeoman bringing me some grub. You want to eat?"
She rolled her eyes. "Is that all you think about?" Ahsoka trotted after him moving quickly to keep up with his strides. He sometimes forgot how small her legs were.
"Yeah," Rex said raising his eyebrows and smiled at her playfully. "Oh and making generals look good. That's about it."
"We make ourselves look good," she remarked and skipped down the hallway further in front of him. She was merely a child, although so was he really, in the scheme of things, he was merely 10 years old. His body may be young, but the mind he was given through extensive training by the Kaminoans, was much older and more complex than most people would guess.
"Are you coming?" Ahsoka stopped and asked, hands automatically coming to her hips as she beckoned for him to hurry up. She couldn't help but use the exasperated gesture with him. It was becoming her trademark.
"Sorry," Rex said shaking his head. "Thinking. Something a clone shouldn't be doing."
Ahsoka gave him a strangled look, one filled with contempt. She didn't like it when he talked about himself in that way because she said that all clones were different in her mind and that the force knew the difference. A lecture from her was soon to follow the look, but he gave her a "cut it out" look to ward off the barrage of words which he assumed he would hear. Really after being under fire today, he didn't want to listen and sometimes her lectures were worse than being shot at by tinnies.
He picked up his pace to catch up with her and they made their way to his planning room. Actually it was the exterior room of his quarters. His bunk was in the other room, but recently with all the fighting, Rex had taken to sleeping wherever he could find a place to rest his head. It was a good thing he didn't need much sleep or he would be in sad shape. That genetic engineering really paid off sometimes.
"No food yet," he said throwing some datachips on the floor and making room for Ahsoka to sit. "Sorry about the mess."
"It's fine," Ahsoka said and helped move some spare pieces to what she thought where helmets. She transplanted them onto the floor and then took the chair Rex had cleared. "You can't be too hard on the yeoman."
Rex grunted and made room for himself to sit in another chair opposite and crashed into the seat. He removed his gloves and tossed them onto the table and then ran a hand over his head and felt the stubble that had started to grow there. He had taken to shaving his hair all off now that they were in the middle of fighting. Before he had kept it cropped neatly and a very great shade of blonde, but there was no where to get a good haircut on this side of the galaxy anyway and he didn't have the time to spare.
"So how are you today?" Ahsoka asked leaning her elbows on the table cradling her chin in the palm of her hand. "I mean despite being shot at and all."
Rex raised his eyebrows at her and tried to stop from laughing, but it was impossible. She was so funny and really was lighthearted compared to other jedi and that is why most of the guys didn't mind having her around. What better play things then a bunch of living, breathing clones.
"What are you laughing at?" She feigned ignorance. "I just wanted to know how your day was and you are laughing at me."
"You were there," Rex grumbled and tore off the armor on his shins and arms. He was starting get indentions in his skin from wearing it non stop. He was sure that it was never designed for so much wear or the Kaminoans had a terrible sense of humor. He was pretty sure it was the latter. "I think too many men were lost."
Ahsoka's eyes turned down to study the table and the smile that made her cheeks puff up under eyes, was now gone. He threw the pieces of his armor on the floor in the corner, where he kept most of his stuff and started to work on his chest plate.
"You need some help," Ahsoka asked watching him struggle with one latch in the back.
"No," Rex said and finally grasped the latch with his fingers and released it. "I got it. Believe me little one, I've been taking this stuff off a long time."
Ahsoka smiled and looked back down at the table. There was something bothering her and Rex finished with his armor before asking her. Sitting in the bodysuit he wore underneath the protective plates, he turned to look at the small girl. There was no excuse for the war which had been thrust upon the jedi, but especially the young jedi who were not ready for the kind of games war plays with your mind. Rex knew there were things in war that would even break a clone. He'd seen it a lot of times and it had always been bad. Rex didn't want it to happen to Ahsoka and she needed to know that it was okay to tell him.
"You know," he started slowly trying not to act as though he was prying. "You can tell me."
Ahsoka looked up at him, her arms never leaving the table. Her large eyes regarded him and he thought he saw a glimmer in the corners where tears might have been welling. It was hard to tell sometimes what she was really thinking, but he tried not to pry into her private thoughts too much.
"I can't," Ahsoka said in a low tone.
"Why not?" Rex asked with a slight smile. "I have all the correct clearance."
This made Ahsoka's lips twitch almost into a smile, but it didn't come close to the normal smiles which lit up her entire face and brimmed over into her eyes. Those were when she was particularly happy.
"You don't understand," she said rising from the chair and pacing. "And I don't know how to tell you."
Rex leaned back in the chair, the front two legs rising from the ground and he hooked his feet so that he wouldn't fall. Balance, it was important when doing anything that goes with being a soldier, including shooting a blaster.
"Then just blurt it out like we clones do in the heat of battle," Rex said and smiled. "It can't hurt, they are only words."
Rex heard her draw in a deep breath and then let it out again without saying a word. He looked at her closely and waited until he thought she had enough nerve and was about ready to speak, before he faced her full on and waited.
"I don't want anything to happen to you and Master Skywalker says it's attachment and it's forbidden and I just don't know how to stop caring about you and all the men," Ahsoka said in one breath. Her hand covered her mouth after she had finished and her eyes grew larger than normal as she realized that she had said all those things.
Rex smiled and put his chair back down. This was what was bothering her? It was so small compared to what it could have been.
"You should count yourself lucky," Rex said smiling at her and gesturing for her to sit down. "If this war didn't happen, if things would've been different, we would never have met."
She sat in the chair, well perched on the edge really, and laid her elbows back on the table. Rex had never seen her look so small. She was afraid that what she had said would hurt his feelings.
"General Skywalker is right," Rex finally said and leaned his elbows on the table too. He rubbed his face. This was so hard to tell a child, but someone had to and he guessed it was him.
"What?" Ahsoka asked in disbelief, her voice raspy with exasperation.
"You shouldn't get so attached to me, to the clones," Rex said bluntly. "I know what we are little one. We are expendable and once this war is over we will be done serving. There has been no promise to me where I will end up and I'm sure that there is no where to take us. Our life expectancy is short. We will die before a solution is found."
Sighing Rex placed a hand on top of hers and tried to comfort her. "If it could be different," he said gently, "it wouldn't be what it is, but this is war and it hurts sometimes."
Her eyes started to brim and he knew that he had said too much. What he wouldn't wish for that stumbling yeoman to show up with some food. It would take his mind off of her and what she was feeling.
"So you don't want to be friends?" Ahsoka asked hurt dripping from her voice.
"I do want to be friends," Rex said reassuring. "In fact, I want to be the best friend you've ever had. I want you to remember me and tell people about me and make my name live on."
"That's what you want from me?" Ahsoka asked and looked at him with care on her face.
"Yep," Rex said plainly, "if you don't remember me.....who will?"