A/N: For once, I think the summary actually...you know, summarizes. The title is a Paramore song. Reeshi is essentially Leesie. You can, if you want, think of this story as taking place awhile after What If It Was You? All bands mentioned in this story are genius, and worth checking out. Enjoy!
For a Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic
She thanked God for Chris as she watched him go. Her face was wet with tears, but she willed herself to stop crying. It wouldn't do for the girls to see her like this, for them to see how her heart was broken. Of course they would know anyway. But she didn't want to give them a visual. Maria was having her own problems; her grandmother was suffering from Alzheimer's and, in addition, had contracted a brain tumor. She didn't have long to live. Mickie had just received word that one of her precious horses had died giving birth. Both were wrecks. Reeshi couldn't bear to add to their pain, and Ashley, already strained from trying to find comforting words, did not need to deal with three weepy girls.
She wiped her eyes once more. Finally, she took a deep, shuddering breath and put her key in the slot. When she turned the handle, shouts of joy met her.
"Hey!" Ashley said happily, waving from her spot on the bed where she sat happily reading a magazine.
Melina was in front of the sink washing her face. Mickie and Maria sat on the floor in front of the bed, watching T.V. and munching on popcorn. Both looked up at Reeshi with smiles. She forced herself to look pleasant.
"We got your stuff together for you," Maria said sweetly between mouthfuls.
"Yeah, it's over there."
Mickie pointed to the luggage rack, upon which her suitcase and bags were piled. As it sank in, the knot in Reeshi's chest tightened and her nose itched.
"Um…thanks…"
"We figured you'd be rooming with your boyfriend--he did turn up eventually, right? I mean, Paul said he saw him, but none of us girls had," Melina said.
Reeshi knew they had just been trying to be kind and helpful, but just hearing him mentioned threatened to reduce her to tears again.
"Um…yeah, he showed up."
Ashley caught the tremble in her voice, but chose not to comment on it for the moment, figuring perhaps she was choked up from their emotional reunion.
"So, I hope it's all right, but we invited Melina to stay with us," she said.
"Yeah, Jillian's boyfriend showed up, and so we all got displaced. And I figured since you'd be rooming with Mikey that it would be okay."
"Yeah…it's…fine."
Ashley's green eyes locked on her friend, who did not look well at all. Her eyes had teared up, and, now that she really looked at her, her face was puffy. She'd been crying. Without a moment's hesitation, Ashley flipped her magazine over and walked quickly to her friend, enveloping her in a hug.
"What's wrong?" she asked, sounding on the verge of tears herself.
Reeshi was always so happy, so seeing her upset was a real shock. Something horrible must have happened. Usually all she needed to do was go to Mikey and he would fix everything. So why, then…?
"It's nothing. It's just…" she took a deep breath. "I really don't want to talk about it right now."
"Oh, Sweetheart," said Mickie with her adorable Southern accent, "maybe it would help if you did."
"Not this time, Mickie. Nothing can help now."
"I'll go find Mikey," Melina volunteered.
"No!"
The other Divas looked at each other, identical expressions of concern and shock upon their pretty faces.
"Reeshi," Maria said quietly. "What happened?"
"I still don't understand myself," she said, pulling away from Ashley. "Mikey…he…" she swallowed thickly. "He broke up with me."
The others gasped. Maria let out a scandalized "no."
"Oh my God, why?!" Ashley demanded.
"I don't…" she sighed. "Swear you won't tell a soul."
The others nodded reassuringly.
"Go on," Melina urged kindly.
"Okay, well…I sort of…kissed John. And Mikey, well, I didn't know he was coming, right? Well…he walked in on us kissing. And he said he couldn't take it any more, not knowing what I was getting myself into. But he couldn't keep me from wrestling, and wouldn't keep me from John. He was upset. Really upset. And I tried telling him I didn't love John, but he looked at me with those eyes…those eyes that can see right through me. And he said, 'You don't know. You kissed him, so that means there might be something. It was enough of a chance to risk what we had.' It broke my heart. And his. I don't know what to do. I've been with him a year and a half, and a kiss ruined everything."
"It wasn't just the kiss," Mickie said gently. "Some people just can't handle long-distance relationships. He sees how you and John have been known to look at each other from time to time. He's not stupid. But it's not your fault. He's letting you go because he knows this is important to you. He loves you enough to let you have that. He couldn't take you away from this."
"I told him I'd go with him. I told him I would leave with him, get on that plane, and never come back. I tried everything I could think of. I don't know what I'm going to do without him. He was everything."
"We know," said Ashley, wrapping her arms once more around her heartbroken friend as the others did the same. "He'll see. He'll see what a mistake he made in letting you go. But in the meantime, you can focus on your wrestling career and having fun with the girls."
"Tell you what," Maria said with a comforting smile. "I'll run out and get us some chocolate chip cookies and milk--lots of chocolate and whatnot--and some girly movies. We'll have a girls' night in. What do you think?"
Reeshi smiled despite herself.
"I'd like that. A lot."
"Have you talked with John?" Ashley questioned.
"No, not really. I can't right now. I want to--I need him, in spite of everything--but I just can't bring myself to. I'm so hurt right now." She sighed deeply.
At that moment, Ashley's cell rang--"This is How I Disappear"--and she and Reeshi stared at it, Reeshi with a mixture of pain and hope she barely dared to have.
"It's him," she whispered.
"Don't answer it," Melina insisted.
"Pick it up, Ash!" Mickie hissed.
"He didn't break up with you," Reeshi said. "Answer the phone."
She chewed on her lip thoughtfully.
"You're sure?"
"YES!"
She flipped her phone open.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Ashley…It's Mikey."
"…oh."
"Don't--don't hang up on me, okay. Even though you have a right to. Just…there's something I need to know, and I called you because you're her best friend and--"
"And your point…?" she prompted impatiently.
"I just wanted to know if she made it back to the hotel all right."
"She did."
"Ashley, you know I love her. More than anything. I just…"
"I'm not the one you should be explaining yourself to."
"I know." He sighed. "I'm sorry. How is she?"
"How do you think?" she asked dryly. "She'll be fine in time; that's what we're here for. It's the trademark of the WWE fraternity/sorority. We look out for our own. Which means you know whose side I'm on here."
"I understand. Thank you."
He hung up before she could respond. She sighed shakily.
"You two really need to work this out, Shi. He sounds as bad as you do. I can't imagine why he would do this."
Reeshi took some satisfaction in knowing he was miserable, too, but now she just felt drained.
"You know, maybe we'd better save the girl night for tomorrow. I love you guys so much, but I'm really exhausted. I just realized."
"Well, we can't all stay in here," Melina said. "Since I'm last in, I could find somewhere else to stay."
"No…I'll go down to the concierge desk and find out who's staying where," Reeshi volunteered. "I'll see if I can find Chris or Shawn…They're both married, so I'm less likely to get myself into trouble, right?"
She laughed dryly.
"All right. See you when you come back for your stuff," Mickie said.
"I know it hurts, Shi," Ashley said, "But I'm sure it will get better. And if all else fails…you know John will always be there for you."
"I know. I'll talk to him tomorrow. Thanks, guys."
"No problem. We're here for you," Maria assured her.
"I know."
She shut the door behind her and tried once more to compose herself. It wouldn't do for a lobby full of fans to see that she'd been crying. She'd really rather not face them at all, but she wouldn't feel right calling her potential shelterers. She figured they'd be more likely to take her in if she showed up looking forlorn and disheveled. Which wouldn't be too hard to pull off.
She found the elevator and pushed the "L" button. Unfortunately, it didn't speak like Chicago elevators. She was utterly alone in the little box, with not even a computerized voice to keep her company. Somehow this made her even more sad. Nothing, though, could prepare her for what happened after she got off the elevator.
"What do you mean, there aren't any flights to New York? I HAVE to get out of here, before…"
She paled and ducked instinctively behind a column. Standing at the concierge desk, looking completely clean, neat, and composed but sounding distinctly otherwise, was Mikey Way. Just seeing him stopped her breathing. Her heart ached with longing and desperation. Maybe, if she tried just once more--
"Are you all right, miss?"
It was a slightly creepy-looking middle-aged man. She pulled away and nodded.
"Please, just leave me alone. I…"
She stole one last glance at Mikey, who was staring back at her with an unreadable expression. It was almost as if he were going to say something to her, but she couldn't stand being in the same room as he was any more. It hurt too much. She turned and ran back to the elevator, praying the doors would open quickly. When they finally did, she found herself face-to-chiseled-pectoral with John Cena.
"Oh, great; this keeps getting better, doesn't it?" she groaned aloud.
"I was looking for Randy, actually, have you seen him?"
She shook her head before remembering.
"Move, dammit, I need to get back upstairs," she said urgently.
He raised a brow slightly but moved aside. As she rushed past him into the safety of the elevator, she almost thought against warning him, but knew it wouldn't be right. It was her fault Mikey probably wanted to kill him, and she felt obligated to prevent any violence or awkward moments.
"John, wait!"
He turned.
"You don't want to go out there," she said quickly. "Randy's not there, anyway, but…he is. Just get back on the elevator with me, and we can go back upstairs."
He thought a moment.
"Hurry, John, before he sees me. I can't--"
Inwardly cursing herself, she broke down again. This was reason enough for John, who stepped back onto the elevator.
"I'm sorry," she said quietly once they were moving and she was safe. "This is my fault…not yours. And yet I'm giving you the Ice Queen routine. I just…I'm so confused right now, you have no idea. And I forgot to find out where Chris or Shawn was rooming."
He didn't want to trick her into a conversation, but the part of him (the bigger part) that was overjoyed she was speaking to him again couldn't help but ask.
"Why are you looking for them?"
"Well, Jillian's got her boyfriend with her, so Melina's staying in the room I would have been in. It wasn't their fault; they thought I would be with…with him. And so I need somewhere to stay. I figured Shawn and Chris would be best because talking to either of them always makes me feel better."
"I'm sorry I've made things awkward between us. Otherwise I'd say you could stay with me and Randy could sleep in the hall. But…" he sighed. "Can I help you find them?"
She nodded.
"Would you?"
"Of course."
There was a *ding* that let them know they had reached the floor on which a few of the Superstars were staying.
"Oh my God…" Reeshi groaned. "I just realized I really have no idea where they are."
"We'll find them, I'm sure."
She looked up at him. Inwardly she was kicking herself.
"You know what? I think I really will stay with the girls…they offered me cookies, and right now that's starting to sound really good."
"Okay…"
"We'll talk tomorrow, I promise."
He stood there awkwardly.
"All right. Thanks for warning me about the lobby. But I really have to find Randy…"
"Good luck."
"Thanks."
She turned and began her trek to the room, while John got back on the elevator. She knew, as she stared at the closed door, that she would never go in. She couldn't bear the cheer and encouragement. She just wanted to cry, and she couldn't, wouldn't, burden her fellow Divas with her problems when two of them had plenty of their own.
So what to do?
She couldn't call any of MCR…not even Gerard. They'd all side with Mikey, or defend him somehow. Chibi, Holly, and Furu, would feel awful for her but wouldn't really be any help. She couldn't make them choose between herself and their boyfriends, who would stand by their bandmate.
It was one o' clock in the morning. She couldn't just roam the halls randomly knocking on doors. She couldn't wake Stephanie--the woman was five months pregnant.
What she needed was a guy who would hold her as she cried and whisper that everything would be all right. She needed someone to wipe away her tears. She needed Mikey, but he was the reason for her torment. John would simply have to do. She couldn't stay mad at him forever. She needed him. Despite everything, he was always there for her. She relied on him more than even Ashley, because he was strong. He made her feel safe. She missed him.
But she couldn't call him while he was on his mission, and she sure as hell wasn't going to sit out in the hall. She heaved a sigh and reentered the room that, until twenty minutes prior, had been her presumed haven.
They all looked up again when she entered, as she had anticipated.
"I'm going to chill over here for awhile until my savior comes back upstairs. It'd look stalkery if I waited in the hallway."
She pulled out her iPod, cracked the door slightly, and positioned herself so she could watch for John without feeling too creepy. Unbeknownst to her, Ashley watched her curiously.
"You look shaken up," she remarked.
"My boyfriend of a year and a half just dumped me. No shit I look shaken up."
She hadn't meant to snap, but Ashley mentioning it reminded her of why she was in such a state. And she didn't want to give them any more reason to worry themselves over her. Ashley knew not to take Reeshi's remark too seriously; she was, after all, justifiably upset.
The first notes of "I Don't Love You" filled her ears, and, before she could skip the song, tears filled her eyes once again.
"Why do you hate me, God?" she moaned softly, resting her forehead on her knees.
Well, when you go
Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back out, they're off to find another way.
But she didn't WANT another Way. She wanted Mikey.
And after all the time that you still owe
You're still a good-for-nothing I-don't-know
So take your gloves and get up
Baby, get up, while you can
She knew that's what she had to do. Get up and get over it. She had to get over him and get on with her life. She had a job to do. But she couldn't.
When you go
Would you even turn to say
I don't love you
Like I loved you
Yesterday
Finally it occurred to her to wonder why she was torturing herself, and she skipped the song. Of course, then the next one was "It Had to be You."
"Aaargh!" she shouted in angst.
The next song was by The Medic Droid. It made her happy. So much so that she even started singing along and bouncing in her little stakeout spot.
"Kick off your stilettos, kick off your stilettos, and--"
"I'm glad you're happy," Melina said loudly, "but you are kinda…loud."
She giggled and stuck her tongue out at the Latina Diva playfully.
"Oh, come on, 'Lina. Let her be," Maria said softly, so Reeshi couldn't hear.
Reeshi sighed and rose to find some pajamas, which she carried with her into the bathroom.
"I'm getting a shower, guys."
"'Kay."
The warm water felt soothing on her skin, and she had some time alone. She breathed deeply, enjoying the peaceful, rather than lonely, solitude. She needed to calm down and try to stop breaking down--she had a massive headache, and it seemed the shower was doing the trick. John would be there for her, as always. Maybe she couldn't patch things up with Mikey, a thought which almost brought her to tears again, but John, she knew, would always be waiting for her. She knew he loved her; he had told her so. And she really did love him, too. She loved being around him. She loved his dimples. It didn't make any sense for her to love a hugely muscled man incredibly into rap. But she did. She didn't know when it had happened, but somewhere along the way of the length of their acquaintance, Reeshi had fallen in love with John Cena. A small gasp escaped her lips at this revelation.
"Oh, my God, I may be a desperate whore," she said, surprised at her thoughts, "but I could have John Cena. He's certainly a bit more intimidating than Mikey."
She giggled.
"I am completely horrible. I must just be thinking these things because I don't know how I'm going to manage without a boyfriend. I want to be with someone to make Mikey jealous and to make myself feel less pathetic. I can't really love John…" her conscience pricked her. "Okay, fine, yeah, I do. But it's too soon. Mikey could still change his mind."
Her heart sank. She knew he wouldn't. He had said they couldn't be together until she quit wrestling, and this business was her life now. She needed to be working. She needed to feel adequate, independent. She needed to make her own money. She loved her friends and her life in the WWE. She wasn't ready to leave yet. Especially for a guy with the audacity to think of asking her to.
She dried off and brushed her hair before fastening her bra and pulling a black tee over her head. She looked down at it and promptly tore it off with a cry of anguish. It was Mikey's Morrissey shirt. Before she could really start crying, she ran out to her suitcase, dug out one of John's chain gang shirts, and put it on.
The thought that at least SOMEone out there wanted her had actually cheered her up quite a bit. She was numb at the moment. But she still needed John. So she grabbed her pillow, sheet, and phone and padded down the hall.
"Let's see…2454...right here."
She took a deep breath and knocked on the door, hoping John was back already. She heard his footfalls and breathed a sigh of relief. There was the sound of the bolt sliding over, and then the click of the door opening.
"Can I come in?" she asked timidly.
"Of course."
She wasted no time in throwing her arms around him. He was taken aback a moment, but returned the hug.
"I'm sorry. I really, truly am."
She pulled away to meet his eyes.
"I decided that I need you too much to keep being a jerk. I can't get through this without you, so alienating you is pointless. And mean. And it broke my heart the way I'd treated you. You didn't deserve it; you were just being honest. Can you forgive me?"
"I could never not forgive you. You were hurt; it's understandable. And it was uncalled-for for me to spring my declaration on you the way I did."
She shook her head.
"No, no it wasn't. You had to get it off your chest. I really do appreciate your honesty; it would have killed you otherwise."
"Yeah." He chuckled. "Before this gets awkward, I'm going to change the subject and hope you pretend not to notice. Um…Okay, I've got nothing."
She laughed.
"John, you nerd."
"You're laughing already?" He raised a brow. "Are you completely unhinged?"
"No, I'm all right. I just missed you. I knew you'd cheer me up."
"I try," he said. "Come here."
They sat side-by-side on the bed, and he wrapped an arm around her waist.
"I just…I don't know what I'm going to do without him," she said forlornly.
"You'll be fine. If he doesn't call you up and fix things with you, then he doesn't appreciate you like you should be appreciated. He doesn't deserve you if he doesn't realize what he's lost in you."
He kissed the top of her head.
"You know I'm always going to be here for you."
"I know, sweetheart. And I love you for it. You have no idea how much I love you."
For some reason, thinking again about how confused she was made her cry even harder.
"Are you crying again?"
It wasn't accusatory, or even annoyed. The only thing in his voice was concern. She nodded thickly.
"Yeah."
"Oh…"
He pulled her to him, and she sobbed unrestrainedly into his chest. It felt so good to just cry and cry and cry and know that he was never going to judge her, or leave her alone to cope with this by herself. She knew he wouldn't laugh at her sorrow-wrought ramblings, or tell her she was being childish--even if he thought it. He alternated between rubbing her back and stroking her hair, both of which served to comfort her somewhat.
"Don't ever leave me."
"I wouldn't dream of it."
His voice cracked slightly; thankfully she was crying too hard to notice. Seeing her in such pain caused him more heartache than was strictly appropriate. He couldn't believe Mikey had just given up the best thing he ever had. He couldn't see how anyone could ever give up the amazing woman in his arms. He couldn't imagine walking away and leaving her behind, brokenhearted and sobbing.
"Go ahead and cry, Sweetheart; you'll feel better."
Eventually her tears died down and the two situated themselves under the covers. He pressed his lips to her forehead; she kissed his cheek before settling against his massive chest.
"When I get over this, John…If he doesn't come for me…I was thinking…"
She bit her lip nervously.
"Maybe you and I could…well…"
He held his breath. She felt his heartbeat quicken and took a deep breath.
"The truth is, Hun…I…I love you. I mean that I'm pretty sure I'm in love with you. I don't actually know when it happened, but…when I kissed you--I really shouldn't have--I wanted to see if I hadn't been imagining what I'd felt when we first kissed. And…I hadn't. Maybe I shouldn't be telling you this; I really don't want to get your hopes up because--"
"No, please do. What was that first thing you said?"
"…I love you," she whispered.
"Even if he comes back, I'll always have this moment," he said softly, more to himself than her.
"I really shouldn't--I'm so confused, John."
"Which is understandable."
"Well, now it's out there. We know where we stand."
"Feel better?"
"A bit, I guess. It does help to know I've got you, at least."
"Always."
He squeezed her a bit tighter.
"Thanks."
"Anytime."
There were a few minutes of silence, in which the only sound was their breathing and her occasional sniffles.
"Speaking of time, what time is it?"
"Um…2:30."
"Ugh, damn, and we've got to be up at six."
"Yeah. You'd probably better try to get some sleep."
"I'll try."
She snuggled closer to him, and he sighed deeply. Despite the fact that she was obviously completely heartbroken, a small part of him couldn't help but be a little bit happy. He knew it was horrible, but she had said those three words he thought for certain he'd never hear her say to him. And he knew she would drop him for him in a heartbeat. But he didn't care. All he wanted was one week. One week with her, knowing that he didn't have to worry about the fact that she was with Mikey, or that her boyfriend was going to kill him. Yeah, he would, if he ever came back for her, but again, John didn't give a damn. It would be on Mikey for leaving her and not listening to the explanation, for being willing to walk away from her. Idiot.
He knew he was going to get hurt. There was no way Mikey wouldn't come to his senses; he wasn't that stupid. And he knew she would cry with joy and take him back, because she loved him more than anything--or anyone--in the world. And he wouldn't blame her one bit. He just hoped Mikey held out long enough for him to enjoy a few days of happiness.
"John?"
"Hmm?"
"I'm gonna apologize in advance for waking you up crying hysterically, 'kay?"
"All right. I'm up for it."
"Good." She yawned. "'Night."
"Good night, beautiful."
She smiled, knowing she was safe. No matter what, she would always have John.