/I don't think it's necessary for me to mention that the following story is, how shall I put it, idiotic?/
Efi walked into Lucio's room.
"Hi Luc-" she said, but he immediately grabbed her and covered her mouth.
"Shhh!" he shished, "Walls have ears! Come with me!"
He took her to the basement and locked the door behind him.
"Alright, we're safe here. What do you want?"
"Lucio, I noticed lately that I'm black."
"You shouldn't say that." Lucio stated, "You should say: African-American."
"But Lucio, I'm actually from Africa. I don't have any American descent." Efi claimed.
"Oh. Well, then that's fine I guess."
"Anyway, I noticed that you're black, too."
"Yes, although I prefer African-American."
"… really?"
"No, lol!" Lucio laughed, "I ain't all that African-American shit, fuck that, I'm a nigga!"
"Alright, nigga." Efi smiled, "I've got some questions I want to ask you."
"Okay, ask me then."
"What is life?"
Lucio then had a flashback of his childhood, when him and the other boys in the hood used to inject pure cocaine into their assholes; the moments of when he lost his legs (a shark ate them when he was bathing), also when he became a musician and all those bitches wanted to suck on his dong, and then when his music stopped being cool and hip, and when all the stupid teens started listening to jpop, and he had suicidal thoughts, he still has, and the only things that keep him alive are dank memes, heavy drugs and porn.
"Hello? I asked you a question, you weirdo."
"... huh? What was that? Where am I?"
"You're in your basement, I asked you what is life."
Lucio then had another flashback, of the day when he was supposed to get married, but the bride found out that he was black and escaped, never to be seen again. Also, the day when his hometown was invaded by angry aliens, that wanted to engage in sexual relationships with human females, after they received Lucio's message, because he sent a porn video into space, hoping that someone out there will receive the signal, and they did, those aliens, but they raped and raped and raped everyone in his village, and then they abducted all women and ate all men, and also ate all the buildings and plants and road signs and rocks and shat them into the ocean, so that nobody ever found out and nobody believed Lucio, and everyone said that the village never existed, and Lucio must have been born in another village, and thousands of people started claiming that they're actual Lucio's parents, but he knew it was bullshit, and since then his life was miserable, and he wanted to end it, but if not for all those dank memes with Lazy Town and Shrek, as well as underage porn that he kept buying on black web, he would have been dead by now, he hates himself and he just wants to find somebody to love and to laugh at memes with.
"HELLO?!"
"AAAHH! Alright, I'll answer!"
Lucio sat on a bench and so did Efi.
"You see, Efi, life is…"
And then Lucio had a flashback of when he took a shit so large, that the entire village got covered in shit, and…
"Stop it you idiot!" Efi slapped him in the face, "Stop having flashbacks!"
"Alright, let's keep it cool." Lucio took a deep breath, "Life is… everything."
"… that's it?"
"No, actually, there's a lot more to it than that. I just don't know how to answer."
"Well, then maybe you can tell me, what are the most precious things in life?"
"That depends on a person. To me, for example, the most precious things are memes and porn. Also drugs. Also food, I love food, I fucking love that chicken and waffles, I FUCKING love eating, that shit is awesome. Also, I like to take a shit from time to time."
"Did you say 'porn'?"
"Yeah, but…" Lucio closed his mouth, "No, I didn't, lol, what are you talking about? Pfft!"
"You said that! What is that porn?"
Lucio knew he couldn't rewind what he said.
"Let me show you." Lucio took out his smartphone and showed Efi a very, VERY cool video, very suitable for kids, let me tell you that.
"What is that thing between that man's legs?" Efi asked, curious.
"That's a dick." Lucio said, and very proudly took out his 12 inch monster, "Men use it to make sexual relationship with women."
"Oooohh." Efi got excited, "What is the purpose of that?"
"Well, the main purpose is to make children, but it also gives a lot of enjoyment to the man and woman, even without making kids."
"So a man and a woman have a sexual relationship when they want to have kids?" Efi asked.
"Yup." Lucio replied.
"So that's how my mommy and daddy made me?"
"Yup."
"But why is this man doing it with a kid that's like ten years old?"
Lucio then opened his mouth, but SPAGHETTI WON'T COME OUT, HE'S CHOKIN, HOW? EVERYBODY'S JOKING NOW, THE SPAGHETTI'S RUN OUT, TIME'S UP, OVER – BLAOW!
"Umm, Lucio, why do you look so stupid?" Efi asked.
"Well, darling, that's because I'm a pedophile."
"What's that?"
"A person that likes little kids, like you."
"Oh, so that's good I think?"
"Yeah, but… a pedophile is a person that likes kids in a VERY sexual way."
"Soo… that's not good then?"
"You guessed it!"
DAFUQ?! LUCIO IS EVOLVING!
TERRYFYING, INHUMAN, MONSTEROUS SOUNDS OF AGONY*
CONGRATULATIONS! YOUR LUCIO EVOLVED INTO A BIG, FUCKING VAMPIRE, WITH FANGS AND CLAWS AND WINGS AND SHIT!
"Holy shit, Lucio!" Efi screamed, but Lucio already grabbed her and was *THIS* close from inserting his monstrous DICK into Efi, but the door to the basement exploded.
"Lucio you piece of shit!" the entire Overwatch crew entered the basement, with Jack Morrison leading them, "We know you're a pedophile! Surrender now or prepare for… punishment…"
They saw Lucio in his true, final form, and also saw Efi, being incapacitated by him, and his monstrous dick, ready to be inserted into her.
"DaFUQ is this?!" McCree shouted.
"Lucio is a vampire?!" Mercy screamed.
"It doesn't matter! We have to kill him!" Mei called.
But the moment she opened her mouth, she was grabbed by the entire Overwatch team, devastated ass-wise and killed.
"Uff, that's one problem dealt with." Jack said, "Now, where were we?"
"Well, Lucio is a vampire." Junkrat said.
"Oh."
They looked at him, and Lucio threw Efi away into a trash bin and attacked Overwatch. They dodged it, but they didn't expect that Lucio can fart deadly ass fumes. They all died from the toxins.
Lucio then grabbed Efi and finished what he started.
The next day, it was all ogre. Everyone in Overwatch was DED. So was Efi. So was everyone in the world. Only Lucio was alive. Because he raped and ate everybody. He thought, that if he's so powerful, he should make a visit to those aliens who devastated his village. He farted himself into space and landed on the alien planet. Except that he landed so hard, that the impact destroyed him, the entire planet and the entire universe, the end.
/Now it's time for a Fun Fact Time With Kream45! Did you know, that if you want to lose weight, you should eat a lot of ass? Like, A LOT of ass? Well now you know!/