Screwed

Hysterical laughter bubbled up within the green eyed medic
 as she realised she was probably going to be murdered by
a pack of psychotic criminals all for a few hundred bottles of sake.

Chapter One: Well, fuck

Sakura glared at the S-Class missing nin in front of her, readying a kunai at her side. When she got back to Konoha she would kill Tsunade before chopping her up into little tiny pieces and feeding her to Akamaru. And then, just for the hell of it, she'd resurrect her again just so the sadistic blonde could spend an extra few decades enjoying the constant company of the never-ending piles of forms and papers which continually littered the Hokage's office.

'Like what you fucking see? Bring it bitch,' sneered the silver haired, ridiculously huge man in front of her. He had distinctly pinkish-purplish eyes, probably weird contacts or something, clearly used some sort of gel to slick back his dead straight tresses, had nails painted a dark green and was wearing jewellery.

Obviously some sort of psychopathic transvestite.

How had she gotten herself into this situation again? Oh yeah. Tsunade.

The pink-haired kunoichi smirked back grimly. 'I don't have time to waste on a sexually deprived, pansy-ass cross dresser,' she retorted, before hurling her favourite kunai (dubbed Marshmallow because it had a particularly sharp point which was perfect to spit marshmallows on to roast them over camp fires during those rare, welcomed uneventful missions) at her shocked opponent before turning on her heels and hightailing out of range. She had attached an exploding tag at the tip and just managed to catch the first few of many colourful curses shrieked out by the Akatsuki member.

Sakura sighed as she pumped chakra in her legs, speeding in the exact opposite direction to that which she needed to go, muttering all the while. It was just like Tsunade to give her the stupidest, least-paying missions in all of Konoha. It wasn't because the blonde-haired Hokage thought Sakura, recently a qualified jounin, unable, more like she enjoyed her student to be in a constant state of frustration and distress. Probably because her sensei wanted someone else to feel as shitty as she did when her supply of sake dwindled.

'Sadistic, alcoholic tormentor,' she grumbled under her breath.

The mission scroll in her belt knocked against Sakura's thigh as she jumped from tree branch to tree branch, reminding her once again of the stupidity of this 'extremely important assignment.' Yeah, extremely important her ass. She had realised why Tsunade had ordered her to be at least five miles outside of the village before opening the contents of the scroll as soon as she had skimmed over the sloppy writing. It was a fucking shopping list!

Consisting of one item: sake. Of course.

Her 'mission' was to travel to a several different locations, including Suna and even Amegakure, to order a hefty supply of her teacher's favourite alcoholic beverage to be delivered to Konoha by the week. Sakura wouldn't be surprised if it was all consumed before she returned. Why the person who was usually in charge of this kind of job couldn't take care of it was beyond the kunochi. It wasn't as if medic ninja with Sakura's level of skill weren't in high demand, especially with the Akatsuki becoming more problematic with every passing day.

And then, just her luck, she had stumbled upon one of them pissing and doing god knows what else in the bushes with a mouth on him that rivalled Tsunade's in one of her drunken rants. That, of course, made her immediately remember the comment Sai had made after his first contact with the Hokage's temper. 'Recent studies have shown that those who are sexually deprived use an excessive amount of expletives to vent their frustrations. I believe Naruto, Sasuke and Kakashi could assist you in reliving your tensions. There is a business on the east side of Konoha which is visited quite frequently by all three of th-' He was somewhat brutally cut off by a letter-opener being flung at his head. Sakura, and the rest of the furiously blushing Team-7, were quite unceremoniously kicked through the door, though all four stayed to listen while Sai was trapped for fifty eight minutes and thirty two seconds with the raging Hokage.

It was not pretty.

It was safe to say that Sai had never repeated those self same words again and, though usually as stoic and emotionless as the cold Uchiha, the former ROOT ninja visibly twitched at the mere mention of the words 'recent' and 'studies' in the same sentence, let alone 'sexually deprived'. Sakura found it was the perfect distraction when they sparred during training, low blow that it was.

So, thoroughly irritated and wound up, it wasn't very surprising that when she had found herself almost used as a toilet by a massive, effeminate S-class missing nin she had snapped.

And now the 'mission' was going to take twice as long because Tsunade had specifically added a form of sake to the list which could only be found in some run down porn shop in Suna. Sakura didn't even want to know how her sensei had found it. But in order to get there, she had to scout around the Akatsuki – for when there's one, there's almost always another.

'Fucking Akatsuki!' the kunoichi almost screamed out, stamping her foot down extra hard on the branch she was jumping off, picturing it as that cross-dresser's sneering face, so that it broke and slammed down to the forest floor.

Where it hit someone which was decidedly not the ground.

A harsh cry of 'Bitch!' froze Sakura on the spot. It was the silver haired cross-dresser again.

'Can't you stop your whinging for one fucking second, Hidan?'

'It's the second time that stupid whore has sliced open my chest you bastard!'

'You impale yourself on spiked poles every single day and get blood all over my hoard of money withought a second thought for your sadistic god and you're complaining about the shittiest little cut I've ever seen!'

'Shut the fuck up before I sacrifice your greedy fucking ass to Jashin!'

The pink haired konoichi, poised with agile grace above the Akatsuki, scrunched up her face in confusion at the argument rapidly escalating beneath her. Were they just trying to confuse her? How were these idiots apart of the most infamous criminal organisation in the entire shinobi world?

'It surprises me too.'

Sakura nearly fell out of the tree as the sound of another, much closer, male voice reached her ears, as smooth and rich as velvet. She turned her head a fraction and saw, balancing on a branch slightly higher than hers, the graceful form and shock of ink blank hair of Uchiha Itachi. He stared at her unblinkingly impassive as his Mangekyo Sharingan flared. The emerald eyed Leaf kunoichi stared as blankly back at the emotionally detached notorious murderer of the Uchiha clan, surprising him with how calm she was.

Before she fell out of the tree, her cool expression frozen on in shock.

Even when she landed on the foul-mouthed S-Class nin from Yugakure.

'FOR FUCKS SAKE!' Hidan cursed vehemently, as the edge of her metal headband gouged another mark into his bare, bloodied chest.

The Akatsuki's incessant swearing broke Sakura out of her momentary lapse and she scrambled up and away from the dangerous criminals in front of her. Jumping up into a sloppy version of a defensive stance, the kunoichi blanched as the four men in flowing, black cloaks turned their attention towards her; Hidan cursing under his breath, Itachi having jumped down from the tree and another two whom she had not seen before. One of which had the shiny, smooth flaxen tresses which Ino had longed for since she was twelve. Blondie there must be Hidan's cross-dressing buddy, his similarity to Sakura's female pig headed friend astounding.

Hysterical laughter bubbled up within the green eyed medic as she realised she was probably going to be murdered by a pack of psychotic criminals all for a few hundred bottles of sake.

She was so screwed.

Well, I'm not going down without a fight! Sakura declared to herself, suddenly determined, before her faultless plan quickly disintegrated as she slipped on a stray leaf and hit her frequently-commented-on-large forehead upon a nearby rock.

Oh, yes.

Tsunade would be murdered slowly and painfully, plotted the pink haired kunoichi before she drifted off into unconsciousness, a small smile gracing her lips as she dreamed of various agonizing torturing devices being used relentlessly on her evil, evil sensei. .

The four Akatsuki stared at the still form of the pink haired kunoichi lying on the forest floor in front of them.

'Well, fuck,' said Hidan with his usual elegance.

For once, the others agreed with him.

A/N: Hey, this is my first try at a sort-of crack fic. It'll have a pretty flimsy plot, just to keep the story going, but I think I'll focus more on Sakura's association with various members of the Akatsuki. Well, we'll see how it goes anyway.

I'd appreciate reviews and any ideas that cross your mind :)

- E.