A/N: This story is, in many ways, my alternative to TLG, since many people (including myself) felt it wasn't a great book. Like TLG, my story starts with Artemis being declared cured of Atlantis - in fact the first chapter is based of/a re-imagining of the first chapter of TLG. Bear with me, I promise its a lot more original after this ;). There ARE a few characters of my own invention, but mostly they play a very minor role (aside from the main antagonist - seriously who wanted more Opal Koboi). I have the entire story arc written so hopefully updates will be frequent. My plan/notes are ~10k words and I intend this to be a book-length adventure.
Disclaimer: See the bit at the top of the page that says "FanFiction"? I think it would be safe to assume I don't own Artemis Fowl.
Chapter 1;
From the case notes of Dr. Jerbal Argon, Psych Brotherhood
1. Artemis Fowl, once self-proclaimed teenage criminal mastermind, now prefers the term juvenile genius. Apparently, Artemis has changed. (Note to self: Harrumph).
2. For the past six months Artemis has been undergoing weekly therapy sessions at my clinic in Haven City in an attempt to overcome a serious case of Atlantis Complex, a psychological condition that he developed as a result of meddling in fairy magic. (Serves him right, silly Mud Boy).
3. Remember to submit outrageous bill to Lower Elements Police.
4. Artemis appears to be cured, and in record time too. Is this likely? Or even possible?
5. Order more painkillers for my blasted hip.
6. Issue clean bill of mental health for Artemis. Final session today.
Dr. Argon's office, Haven City, The Lower Elements
Artemis Fowl was actually a few minutes early, but he refused to enter the office before the designated time. It was a small thing, but Artemis was very particular about arrangements.
He was about to get up from his seat when the door opened to reveal a rather miffed looking Dr. Argon.
"What in the world are doing out here, Mud Boy?" he asked. "I've been ready for you for several minutes now."
"Why ever would that be, doctor? Our session doesn't start for-" he smirked, checking his watch – "another seven seconds."
Argon sighed. "Just get in here," he grumbled.
Artemis complied, delighted to have already managed to annoy his therapist. He had been cured for about a month (his phenomenal intellect had accelerated the process substantially) and yet Argon still insisted on wasting his time with his amateurish psychoanalysis. The least Artemis could do in response was to antagonise him at every possible opportunity.
"So Artemis," Argon began as his subject sat down, his voice settling back into its usual condescending tone. "I'd like to start today by talking a little about your dreams." When Artemis said nothing, he continued. "Go on then – tell me. What did you dream about last night?"
A shadow appeared across Artemis's face and he seemed to squirm a little. "Actually, the thing is doctor… well last night I had a bit of a nightmare."
Argon leaned forward, clearly excited by this revelation. "And what was this nightmare about?"
"It was about this awful gnome. He kept forcing me to endure his pathetic excuses for therapy sessions. He seemed to labour under the delusion that he had anything of value to offer me," replied the boy, his voice dripping with contempt and his lip curling. "Now, doctor, please understand that my lifespan is significantly shorter than yours; I would appreciate it if you could stop wasting my time."
"Now listen here, Mud Boy," Argon began, his mood souring once again. "I've put a huge amount of effort into helping you overcome your Atlantis, despite what you've done to the People in the past, despite your insolence and despite this damn pain in my leg. I've put up with you this long, the least you can do is show a little respect, if not offer some much owed thanks."
Artemis sighed theatrically. It was sweet really - the doctor actually thought he deserved any of Artemis's respect. Even more amusing though was Argon's hip problem – Artemis was confident that it had been caused by past treatment for turned in feet. It could likely be solved with a simple brace, but where would be the fun in telling him that? Artemis was astonished no doctors in haven had figured it out.
"You wish me to treat you with respect, doctor?" Artemis finally responded, his voice cold. "Very well. I shall speak candidly. I hold your opinion in relatively low regard. You hold myself and my species in very low regard; I am only here because you are able to charge the LEP an extortionate fee and because you believe my presence may aid you in your desperate ploy for fame. I tolerate you because I have very little choice – I need you to sign off on my mental health."
It was, of course, all true. Artemis was rarely wrong. Argon opened his mouth to either argue or complain (he wasn't sure which yet), but closed it again before any sound came out.
"We are both fully aware that I have been cured for some time now," continued Artemis, still showing no signs of emotion. "In fact, this is our final session; perhaps you could both of us a favour and issue me a clean bill of mental health now rather than later."
Argon was beat and he knew it. Artemis was right, this was a waste of time and he didn't have any desire to spend the next almost an hour arguing about it with the smarmy Mud Boy. Besides, his hip was killing him.
"Fine, you win Fowl," he muttered, handing over the already signed document. "Now get out of my city."
"Gladly," replied the human teen icily. He took the sheet and scanned it briefly before standing to leave. For a moment he debated thanking the doctor, or offering his diagnosis of the leg problem, but after reflecting on how his last month had been wasted, thought better of it. Perhaps he would email the doctor designs for a suitable brace at a later date. Or then again, perhaps he wouldn't.
Artemis Fowl stepped out of the J. Argon clinic and onto the streets of Haven. He took a breath and smiled. It felt good to be back.
Despite the fact that he had managed to get out long before he was scheduled to, it didn't take long for Holly to arrive.
"Wow," she commented when she found him already waiting for her. "You took even less time to convince him than I thought you would."
"I can be very persuasive when I want to be," responded Artemis. Their eyes met for a moment, each of them staring into one of their own. She laughed, and he smiled.
"You seem back to your old infuriating self, does this mean Haven can finally be rid of you?"
"I certainly hope so." He glanced away, a look of sadness flitting across face. "It's been far too long since I saw my family. Speaking of which, where's our meet?"
She gestured in a certain direction and started walking; he fell in step next to her. "Butler's already with the shuttle," she told him. "No doubt he'll be pleased to see you back in full control of your mental faculties."
Artemis rolled his eyes. "Please Holly, you and I – and Butler for that matter – both know that I've been completely sane for some time now."
It was true, and the thought gave her warmth. No more counting words, no more delusions or paranoia, no more irrational fear of the number four. Her friend was back.
"You could even say I've been sane for more than four weeks," he smirked. The fact that the sentence had been twelve words was not lost on Holly.
It didn't take long to reach the shuttle that the LEP had organised to take Butler and Artemis back to the surface. They were greeted by an LEP officer Artemis didn't recognise. He raised an eyebrow at the elf in question.
"Major K'Azir," the elf said, correctly interpreting the expression as a cue to introduce himself. "The council dictated that you have an at least one more senior LEP officer escort you."
Artemis looked confused. "They don't trust Holly to keep an eye on me?"
Holly suddenly seemed very interested in her feet, while K'Azir's eyes twinkled in amusement. "I'm afraid Captain Short will not be accompanying you," he said. "But you can instead enjoy the company of a certain Corporal Kelp."
Artemis sighed, making no secret of his discomfort at the prospect of spending any time with Grub Kelp. He looked at Holly and opened his mouth, but she cut him off.
"Sorry Artemis, but it's not exactly like I had a choice. Trouble isn't what I'd call impressed with the amount of time I've been spending with you while you've been recovering. I'm more than a little behind on paperwork – he made it very clear that I was not needed for this trip."
Artemis was disappointed, but desperate not to show it. He shrugged, keeping his face impassive. "It's a full moon in two days, I seem to remember you saying something about being low on magic…?"
Holly looked momentarily puzzled, but quickly caught on. "Yep, I'm completely dry. Very irresponsible of me." She smiled and punched him lightly on the shoulder. "See you around, Mud Boy."
Allowing a smile to tug at the corners of mouth, Artemis stepped aboard the LEP shuttle, flanked by K'Azir.
"Artemis," said Butler warmly as he noticed the youth. He was clearly pleased to have someone to focus on other than Grub, who was no doubt debating whether to mention what had happened when the two had met during the Fowl Manor siege. Grub absolutely loved recounting how he had faced down the man-mountain after the rest of his team had fallen; unfortunately, since this was not even remotely close to what really happened, bringing the subject up in front of someone who had actually been there might not end very well.
"Old friend," replied Artemis. "I trust my family has been informed of our impending return?"
"Of course," said the manservant, as the pilot finished his pre-flight checks. "According to our fairy friends, we will arrive in a little under an hour."
"Perfect."
A/N: Thanks so much for reading! This is not only my first post on this site, but also my first attempt at writing any fiction since school. Be gentle. But above all else, PLEASE REVIEW. I really want some feedback. Doesn't matter if it's pointing out a typo, correcting grammar, something you think should have been phrased differently or a critique of my writing style, I really would love to hear your thoughts!