I know, I know, a lot of people have done these . . .
It was a normal day in the Death Eater hideout. Voldemort was flipping through a booklet of naked men, while Bellatrix and Draco sat side by side gazing dreamily at pictures of Hermione which Draco had taken during Potions class. And all his other classes. Because Slytherin was with Gryffindor are all in the same classes now. Severus wasn't here, and for the rest of them . . . well, they're not sexy enough to matter, are they?
"Hello, Draco m'boy!" Lucius said jovially, strutting through the front door and throwing his briefcase at his son's stomach. Draco sniffed and turned the other way. After all, the poor boy had been abused all his life.
"Where's Severus?" Lucius asked, looking around.
"Teaching, isn't he?" Bellatrix said.
"Draco's ditching school again, is he?" Lucius said, grinning proudly. "The naughty boy! Now Draco, go take my stuff upstairs and shine my shoes and iron my robes and drink the toilet water and then clean the toilet and wash my fishnets and clean the blood off your aunt's playthings. NOW!" Cowering, Draco obeyed. He knew very well what would happen if he didn't.
Lucius nodded. Things were just as they should be. He headed off pompously to Skype with his pureblood buddies.
Then Wormtail entered the room. Bellatrix and Voldemort had not moved. Cowering like the pathetic little rat he was, Wormtail blinked at the image. Something seemed . . . wrong. But no, it couldn't be. He was just a stupid little rat, what did he know? Wormtail backed out of the room once more.
After school was out, Severus returned to the Death Eater hideout, as all teachers do.
"Severus!" Nagini said. "You look terrible. What are you doing here? D'you want me to grab Bellatrix, so she can come and make the rest of your life look very good in comparison to today?"
"No, Nagini," Severus said curtly. He couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. A purple-haired girl with bright blue eyes and the most beautiful face one could imagine had confessed her love for him in the middle of Potions class. Celeste Jasmina Aailyah Rome Haviland (and that wasn't the end - Severus couldn't be expected to remember all her extensive middle names). He was very certain that he had never seen nor heard of this girl before, but no one else seemed to think her much out of place.
"Alright, well, what are you doing here?"
"Don't I come here after classes every day?" But Nagini was right - maybe it was a bit unusual . . . no, don't think that. Nagini spent all her time staring at trees; she didn't notice anything.
" . . . no." Nagini cocked her head, then confessed, "You're not the only one acting a bit weird, though. Bellatrix and the Dark Lord have been in the same room, alone, for hours. No interaction. No grovelling, no makeout sessions, nothing. And Draco was at home today, too."
"Of course he was. Draco's in suspension for being caught having sex in the Forbidden Forest with some girl. Way, I think her name was?"
"Hm. Well . . ."
"Snape!" Voldemort screeched. "Snape, come over here this instant!" Severus departed instantly.
"Yes my Lord?"
"We've got a new recruit," Voldemort said, gesturing to a drop-dead gorgeous girl beside him. Her hair was shimmery white tipped with bright blood red, and she was dressed head to toe in ripped leather with high-heel knee-high boots. Her eyes were bright iridescent green. "This is Emerald."
"After my eyes," the girl said, fluttering her overlong eyelashes. "But my full name's Emerald Esmyreldya Eowmyri Isotope Ichabald."
"I want you to show her around and make her feel right at home," Voldemort said. "She's probably the most powerful Death Eater I'll ever find."
Right at home? This was the Death Eater hideout! But Severus didn't say anything - the Dark Lord was acting a bit weird, but that didn't mean he'd forgotten how to use the Cruciatus.
"An honor, my Lord. Come, Emerald. I'll introduce you to Bellatrix . . . tell her everything the Dark Lord said." Severus managed a tight-lipped smirk at the thought of Bellatrix' face when being confronted by "the most powerful Death Eater ever found."
"So you're Severus Snape?" Emerald said, flipping her waist-length shimmery black hair over her pale, perfectly shaped shoulder. "I'm Emerald."
"I know."
"I'm fifteen; I graduated from Hogwarts two years early because Dumbledore said that he couldn't teach me anymore. I'm a Slytherin and when I was eleven I became an Animagus. I can turn into a snake. Voldemort - yeah, I say his name, don't flinch -"
"I'm not flinching."
"- he saw me doing a really complex Mortvius spell - you know, the one that brings people back from the dead?"
"There is no such thing."
"Yes there is, I invented it in third year. Voldemort killed my family, but I was kinda scared to bring them back because they were all grossly abusive - except my little sister, of course. What an angel! Anyway, I finally brought them back, and Voldemort saw, and he just knew he had to recruit me! I'm glad to serve. All those Gryffindors were annoying."
She tucked her hair behind her perfectly shaped ear, revealing about twenty piercings, all of which glinted with emerald snakes. When Severus failed to comment (the sight made him feel vaguely ill), she stood on tiptoes and leaned over so her ear was two inches from his eyes. Then, due to her adorable clumsiness, she tripped over nothing and fell.
Severus didn't catch her. He tried to laugh, but discovered he'd forgotten how. Understandable, as no one ever loved or even cared for him whatsoever. God, he was so alone in life . . .
Why was he thinking this again?
Emerald stood indignantly, swinging her hips around in total indignation. "That was very rude of you, you ungrateful bastard!" she shouted.
Ungrateful for what? "You're going to have to learn to curb your tongue if you intend to survive here," Severus snarled. And she was a Hogwarts alumni, she said? He had no memory of her.
"I will not be pushed around like that!" Emerald continued. Severus ignored her. It would probably be kinder to kill the girl now, he reflected - it was better than facing Bellatrix' wrath.
Too late. Bellatrix stepped out of a doorway.
"Been experimenting on Muggles again, have you, Snape?" she said, cackling with delight upon seeing Emerald. Still giggling (Is she drunk? Severus wondered), Bellatrix sauntered over and put one clawed hand around Severus' waist. Severus leapt away instantly; surprisingly sexy or not, Bellatrix was still Bellatrix.
Something flickered in Bellatrix' face. "Oh, so you're with your little plastic test subject instead?"
"What? What the hell are you on about?"
"Nothing you would understand, Snivellus!" Bellatrix said shrilly. And where did she hear that? Wormtail was going to suffer . . .
Before Severus could form one more coherent thought, however, Bellatrix had begun screaming "Cruico! Cruico!" And - to his own vast dismay - Severus began to scream bloody murder. Why he wasn't sure. He was usually third at least in the Crucio game, second when Fenrir was absent (for those of you who don't know, the Crucio Game is when Voldemort holds everyone under the Cruciatus. The last one to scream wins).
"Stop it. Stop it!" Emerald said, as Bellatrix took out her knife and began to repeatedly stab Severus in the gut. As if it weren't common practice.
"Crookshanks!" Emerald screamed, her wand pointing at Bellatrix. Or she tried to point it at Bellatrix. Due to her clumsiness, however, she tripped and actually pointed it at Severus. White-hot pain even more brutal than Bellatrix' Crucios and cursed blade shot through his spine, causing him to go into spasms.
"Having an attack Snape party, are we?" Nagini asked, stepping in from who-knows-where to view the scene with another disorienting change of perspective. There was a girl who smelt of perfume which was clearly supposed to smell natural but fell far short Nagini had never seen before, holding her wand over a seizuring Severus, who was being stabbed repeatedly in the gut by Bellatrix. This was all explained in the last few paragraphs, but it should be repeated, lest you forget.
"Crookshanks!" Emerald shouted. "Crookshanks! Crookshanks!"
"Crookshanks isn't even a spell," Bellatrix said, pausing from her constant stabbing to lick Severus' blood off her knife, cutting her tongue in the process. "It's a cat."
"How do you know that?" Emerald asked, flipping her chocolate brown hair over her shoulder.
"He's a Halfblood, you know," Nagini added, gesturing to the knife Bellatrix was now sucking on. "Might not want to eat that."
"He is!? Disgusting!" Bellatrix flung her knife across the room. Well, not all the way across the room - it hit Emerald in the heart as it went. She let out another blood curdling scream before collapsing to the ground in a puddle of blood, stone dead.
"You didn't know?" Nagini asked, continuing the conversation as if nothing had happened. New recruits were killed all the time, and a girl dressed like that could be nothing else. "That's - that's your main insult towards him, Bellatrix. How could you not know?"
"Of course I know," Bellatrix snapped. She glanced down at Severus' prone form. "Where does he keep his healing potions, damn it?"
"And why do you care?"
"The Dark Lord said I don't get to Crucio anyone for a week if I let anyone in the Inner Circle die!"
Good? Boring? Cliche? Review! This is a multi-chapter fic, so expect more stupidity to come!