Shizuma's Point of View

After Kaori died, it seemed like everything fell apart, too. My once colorful world suddenly became dull and gray to me. Boring. Useless. Empty. There was nothing to live for. Nothing worth living for... I was just a walking body on earth, my mind was nowhere. All I wanted was to be alone, in the dark, just by myself...

But Miyuki kept me from fully devouring myself in darkness, if I wasn't already. She's my best friend, like a sister to me, and we've known each other for years. She's the Student Council Body President of our school, St. Miator, and she kept me in order. She made sure I performed all of my duties as Etoile, made sure I completed the paperwork, made sure I took care of the Etoile's garden, made sure I was okay. But truth be told, it didn't matter to me. Nothing mattered anymore. I wasn't okay, and we both knew that. I was changed. For better or worse, I didn't care.

I felt empty. I felt like nothing. I felt weak on the inside, weary, tired. I was full of pain. Pain of feeling like this, of feeling...lonely. I didn't know what to do, or if I should even do anything. This wasn't me, I knew that, but...what could I do? Would I ever return to my normal self? It seemed so unlikely back then...

I tried forgetting, I tried moving on. I would mess around with so many girls, it's not even funny. I'd pluck the cute ones left and right from the soil, pleasuring them in any way I could, tugging off their petals until I got bored of them or they couldn't help me anymore. And then I tossed their stem away. They were like alcohol to me: they made me forget about my pain and loneliness, but only temporarily, unfortunately for me. And if they accidently fell in love with me, who cared? I sure didn't. To me, they meant nothing, they were only a short-term 'outlet'. And who could possibly fall in love with someone like myself? I felt messed up. I was falling apart.

But no matter how many girls I screwed with, I just...couldn't forget. Sure, people come and go, people enter your life and leave it...but somehow the feelings stay put. Especially if that person was meaningful and special to you. The girls I messed with, yeah, they came and went, but they were nothing to me. Kaori, though, she had meant a lot in my heart. Which made it all the more difficult to forget and move on from her.

I was altered, changed. I felt like I was dying on the inside. It was the ugliest feeling in the world, worse than dying. No one knows what happens when you die, but at least when you die, your life on earth is no more. You're at peace here. Me? Earth at that moment felt like Hell, felt like shit. And the worst part of it all was that I was still alive, living in this giant puzzle that I couldn't piece together or figure out. And I just tossed the pieces aside without a care...

It seemed that my only solution was to change. But I didn't want to. I mean, I did, but it was just so hard to. And it was so much easier just to sink myself into darkness, into nothing. I needed...help in some way. Okay, you could call me weak if you'd like, and I guess you'd be right. I wasn't strong enough yet to stand on my own.

When I first met Nagisa, I thought she was attractive. Fluffy red hair. Big red eyes like a kitten. Pouty cheeks and lips. Slim. Soft skin. Overall, a cutie. And you could tell she was one of those 'innocents', one of those naive, sweet-hearted girls. If first impressions do say it all, well then, Nagisa was an interesting person. And a kluts at that. I remember how when she first glanced at me, she nearly toppled herself backward. She only managed to drop her piggy keychain and smack herself with her own bag though. Haha, I just thought how amusing this girl was.

I picked up the keychain and handed it back to her. It struck me next how shy and nervous she was. She introduced herself, stuttering.

"I...I'm the new transfer student...Nagisa Aoi..." I could see a faint, pink blush plastered on her cheeks. Adorable.

So I had run into an innocent, cute girl. Why not have some fun with her, I thought. I placed my hands on her shoulders and kissed her softly on the forehead. No harm done, right? Normally, I'd have a lot more fun with my other 'flowers'. I guess I wasn't much in the mood then. Who knows. But I did know that at the time, Nagisa was just like another girl to mess around with. Another ordinary girl to fool around with. That's all.

Little did I know that I had stumbled upon a girl far from ordinary and simple.

Nagisa's Point of View

I had always wanted to go to a school on Astraea Hill, and I finally had my breakthrough at the beginning of Sophomore year. My parents were working overseas, so I took a risk and transferred myself without them knowing over there to the Strawberry Dorms. I wasn't sure of either attending St. Miator, St. Spica, or St. Lulim, but in the end, I chose St. Miator. I'm not sure why though. Their uniform is the most old-fashioned-looking. It's a long, black dress with white cuffs and shirt. And you gotta wear this uncomfortable tie...well, anywho, I chose that school. And maybe because of its old-fashioned look, I dunno...I do like old-fashioned, original things. Especially Converse! But I digress...

Anyway, I thought my first day transfering there was a disaster. I was late getting there! And I managed to get myself lost in the damn forest surrounding the schools! Urgh...I guess by this point, you must be thinking I'm not very bright, but trust me, I'm a straight A student! Yupyup. I just had some rotten luck on my first day...

So, next thing I knew, I encountered this older girl. I guessed she was a senior, she was kinda tall and mature. And she looked majestic with her long, wavy silvery hair and green eyes. She also seemed quiet. But not a 'shy' quiet. She seemed to have this 'cool' quiet vibe about her...

Well, I thought I screwed up meeting this girl, too. I practically fell on my ass when I first saw her. But she didn't laugh at me. I think she...smirked. Yeah, she smirked. And I don't know what it was...but her looking into my eyes made me feel weak. That butterfly feeling in the stomach. My cheeks felt hot as lava, and that's about two thousand degrees Farenheit! Yup! Exaggerating much, you ask? It didn't feel like it. I suddenly felt really nervous around her...but I managed to introduce myself. Yesh.

She introduced herself as Shizuma, and that's basically all she said to me. She didn't speak much, mostly studied me. I wanted to say more, but...her gaze was so powerful. I was a bit afraid that whatever I said would sound dumb to her, or that she would sense the stutter...

Surprisingly, she kissed me on the forehead. Oh boy, I just wanted to melt right then. But that kiss also left me feeling confused. Was I like...falling for this girl?

Oh, no no no no! I possibly could not be falling in love! And falling for a...girl? That's not...well...common? I had never had a girlfriend, or a serious relationship for that matter. I mean, I had noticed the possibility of me liking girls for years. Sure, I had liked boys too, and even went out with one when I was younger. But it just...wasn't the same feeling. It always seemed that I 'went through' guys rather quickly. With girls, I felt stronger, deeper feelings, and I noticed myself longing for a female. Boys were passing scenery, merely appetizers. Girls were the foreground, the main course.

I first embraced the idea of me being lesbian during my Freshman year, or perhaps bisexual. And it scared me profoundly because I had been taught that thinking that way was wrong.

And to further complicate things, I was brought up with a religious background. My mom was a very hardcore Catholic, and this, having a daughter who liked other girls, was a HUGE no-no. She expected me to be successful and thought that that 'way of life' would keep me from that, drift me the 'wrong way'. I guess you could say she's homophobic. I mean, she's not accepting or approving of it at all; she thought it not natural and against God...hmph. I thought it was religion blinding her or something.

Well, I believed that God had made everyone unique. He didn't want everyone to be the same. My mom would say things like 'God loves you no matter what', and the religion of Christianity made Him sound very accepting, open-minded, and loving. So then, why this 'prejudice' for homosexuals, hmm? God-help-me-Jesus, sometimes people just used religion as an excuse or whatever...

Now, my dad wasn't religious at all. He almost despised religion. He was an Atheist, believing that it was MAN who made things happen, that there was no other stronger force out there. Well, I trusted that there was a more powerful force out there. It was God, and He was accepting. Or She...one must never rule out the possibility that God may very well be a female. Haha. However, despite my dad not being engulfed in religion and their views, he was homophobic as well. He thought it was sick, unnatural, and wrong, and that they made the family and society look bad.

'Coming out of the closet' was difficult at first. I only told a few of my closest friends, and they were welcoming and cool with it. Except for one, who I had thought would get past her religion and accept me for who I am, but things didn't work out quite so well... I learned that you can't change who you really are, and the ones who'll love you no matter what you are your true friends. The people that stick by you through the good times as well as the bad are your real friends.

I hadn't meant for my family to know, aware of their strong religious beliefs. I planned to tell them, but when I was ready to. And I wasn't ready back then. Yet somehow...my mom found out, and she didn't take it too kindly, maybe also due to the fact that she had found out from another person. Well, that just goes to show you can't trust everyone you know. Choose your close friends wisely, and confide in them wisely.

I feared being kicked out, so I had to 'play along', make her and my dad believe that it was just some 'phase' I was going through. No biggie. It'll pass. I did the same tactic with my unaccepting friend. I hated it. It depressed me. I felt like I was living a fake life, and I always feared getting caught with the truth.

But I knew the truth, as well as my other close friends. I did, in fact, like girls. And I was proud and felt confident about this little discovery about myself. Yesh.

So, back to Shizuma...I thought I was beginning to crush on her then. When we first met. You could call it 'love at first sight' if you'd like. But it felt deeper to me.