Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any characters therein. I also do not own Valentine's Day.
A/N: Written for the Valentine's Day exchange on LJ's bitter_nakano, for halcyon_iota.
Also: 100 FRACKING FICS. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT. I CAN'T.
Some Poems Rhyme
..
"I'm gonna give you a kiss."
Shisui's tone was decisive, and Itachi promptly choked on his own spit.
..
In hindsight, it was Sasuke's fault. His kindergarten teacher had instructed the whole class to make Valentines for their "special people", or something of that cliché nature. Itachi's brother had taken the order to heart and set up shop at their kitchen table—construction paper, pink and red markers, glitter, glue sticks, the works. Even with all of the mess and Sasuke's blushing protests of "Don't look!" at anyone who came by, the name 'Itachi' written in big block letters was easily visible. And of course their cousin (or something), having stopped by for a visit, just had to make a comment.
"Aww," Shisui remarked upon noticing the Valentine workshop. "That's adorable. Maybe you should make one for your favorite cousin too, huh, Sasuke-chan?"
He was immediately treated to a six-year-old's dark glare. Sasuke's devotion did not at all extend to the distant family member who constantly tormented him.
"Make your own," he grumbled, turning back to his work.
Shisui, far from looking offended, seemed rather amused by the rebuff. "This one's going to be a problem child, isn't he?" he asked Itachi, who gave a noncommittal shrug in response. "And I'm a teenager now, Sasuke-chan," he added with relish. "We don't make Valentines."
Sasuke looked up again, temporarily startled out of his petulance.
"Then what do you give people for Valentine's Day?"
"Uh…" Shisui glanced in Itachi's direction again, this time for help, but all he got was another shrug. Really, that kid was no help at all. "Other stuff. Cool stuff."
"Like what?" was the suspicious response.
"Like…uh…chocolates. Or teddy bears, I guess. Or roses. Or…" He was running out of ideas. "Just whatever makes your significant other happy, I guess."
"Someone you love, Sasuke," Itachi put in, seeing his brother's mouth open to ask for the definition of 'significant other'.
"Oh." Sasuke sat back thoughtfully. "So that makes you my sig—sigin—signi something-or-other, right, aniki?"
Shisui snickered. Itachi smiled a bit at the infallible ability of young children to take everything literally. "Not exa-"
"And I guess that makes Shisui-itoko your…signature thingy too," Sasuke continued, face crinkling up in irritation at the thought of having to share his brother.
The snickers from his left mutated into hacking coughs that still managed to sound absurdly amused. Itachi raised an eyebrow and tried again.
"That's not quite-"
"So what're you going to do?" Sasuke demanded, glaring once more at his slowly sobering relative.
"What am I going to do for what?" Shisui managed, wiping tears of hysteria from his eyes.
The glare deepened. Itachi sighed. Oh dear.
"Valentine's Day." 'You moron' went unspoken but very heavily implied. "You're supposed to give your sig—signiwhatever something on Valentine's Day."
"Says who?"
"Uruchi-sensei."
Shisui muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "stupid old bat" (Uruchi had been his teacher as well—saying the two had not gotten along would be sort of like saying Hamlet had issues) before replying, "And what's that got to do with me?"
Flabbergasted, Sasuke shot Itachi a look that, on an older face, would have been read as "Can you believe this guy?"
"Itachi's your…significant person. So you have to give him something for Valentine's Day." He folded his arms triumphantly. "It's the rules."
Itachi blinked.
"And I'm making him the best card ever," Sasuke continued, apparently willing to sacrifice secrecy in order to intimidate his rival. "So what are you giving him?"
The object of Sasuke's affection rubbed his temples. Just when, he wondered, had this conversation spiraled completely out of control? He eyed Shisui, anticipating another round of hysterics and mentally going through the steps of CPR just in case.
But after a few moments it became clear, as Itachi realized with horror, that Shisui wasn't laughing.
"Are you challenging me, Sasuke-chan?" he asked thoughtfully.
Sasuke looked to Itachi again for confirmation of the unfamiliar word. Dazed, Itachi gave a mechanical nod. Sasuke nodded in turn.
And Shisui grinned at the elder of his two cousins, a grin that was uncomfortably sharklike.
"All right then. I'm gonna give you a kiss."
..
And that had been that. Itachi had, as aforementioned, choked on his own spit. Sasuke had scowled, muttered something unintelligible, and gone back to his furious scribbling. Shisui had nodded, seemingly pleased with himself, and cheerfully started up an unrelated conversation. It had taken an hour and every iota of Itachi's ability to be subtle to get rid of the madman so that he could panic in private.
Really, he supposed, it wasn't too shocking. Shisui was and had always been ridiculously competitive; no matter the contest, he would join in and do everything in his power to win. A classmate had once bet him that she would be able to stay underwater for longer than he could; he had accepted the challenge. The result was a very waterlogged Inuzuka Hana reluctantly admitting defeat to Shisui—after he'd been resuscitated by a panicking lifeguard.
So in a way, this made sense. Sasuke had inadvertently thrown down the gauntlet, and Shisui was not above taking a bet from a six-year-old.
Itachi was beginning to feel slightly ill. Shisui was bound and determined now; there would be no escaping him. As he doubted his mother would allow him to leave the country on such short notice, the only option would be to avoid the older boy like the devil himself for the entirety of the 14th.
It was a simple enough plan, as well as being the only one he had. Unfortunately it was also so implausible that Itachi felt a sudden urge to introduce his head to his desk.
..
"Aniki! Aniki!"
Awake only in the barest sense of the word, Itachi twitched at the high-pitched yelling.
"Aniiiikiiiii~!"
And suddenly there was a small child flying onto his bed with such force that Itachi himself was almost thrown off. He opened his eyes to see, of course, his little brother, big dark eyes shining with excitement. Itachi eyed his digital clock and almost groaned aloud; it was sickeningly early, and he'd been up half the night stressing out about the whole Shisui situation (and getting nowhere).
"Happy Valentine's Day, aniki," Sasuke chirped, sounding inappropriately cheerful considering the hour. Still, Itachi smiled and began to sit up.
"Happy Valentine's Day, Sasuke."
"I have something for you." The grin was eclipsing his brother's face. Itachi had the sinking feeling he would be hearing a similar statement from a different relative later on, and not with such innocent intentions.
With that very much in mind, Itachi pasted on a smile and prepared to receive the elaborate Valentine that had started this whole mess.
..
So far the plan had worked. Considering that up until now Itachi had been hiding inside, avoiding windows and twitching at anything he perceived to be a knock at the door, this was sort of a given.
But now he was vulnerable. Sasuke's fault. Again.
It had been one of Itachi's responsibilities for years to walk his brother to and from school. Explaining to his mother why he wanted to stay inside so badly, Itachi felt, could have become extremely awkward, and he was left with no choice but to follow Sasuke to the nearby kindergarten and look over his shoulder every couple of seconds.
With Sasuke safely dropped off, Itachi was currently en route back to his house with perhaps more speed than was strictly necessary. Only three blocks now, and he would be free to hide in the closet of his choice for the remainder of the day.
Two blocks now…one block…and, because Mother Nature loves to screw you over when you're that close to reaching your goal, Itachi was only half a block away from safety when Shisui appeared out of fracking nowhere and cornered him.
"Hey, squirt," the madman greeted him.
An absurdly girlish scream was threatening to wrest its way from his throat. Itachi swallowed hard and said nothing.
"So. Did you like your present from Sasuke?"
Suddenly Itachi wanted nothing more than for this entire thing to be over and done with. The small talk was torture. He closed his eyes, exhaled slowly, and opened them again.
"Shisui?"
"Yeah?"
"I would appreciate getting this over with, if you insist on doing it."
Shisui had the nerve to give him a completely perplexed look.
"Huh?"
Itachi shook his head.
"Just…just do it."
Confusion was still written across Shisui's face, but he shrugged and complied anyway. "You are a weird one, Itachi. Ready?"
The younger Uchiha suddenly found himself with the bizarre desire for a breath mint. He closed his eyes again.
Nothing happened.
After a few more seconds in which nothing continued to happen, he chanced a peek.
Shisui was dangling a foil-wrapped piece of candy in front of his nose and looking very self-satisfied.
Itachi blinked.
"…Shisui?"
"Yeeeees?" Shisui noticed his cousin's confusion and shook his head. "What, you don't get it? It's a Kiss, duh. A Hershey's Kiss."
The full weight of his own (apparently monumental) stupidity came crashing down on Itachi's head the minute Shisui finished.
Well. That explained everything.
He recovered quickly enough, taking the offered candy with a polite "thank you" and trying to keep his face blank. It wasn't as if he'd been looking forward to an actual kiss or anything. Of course not. Still, there had been a tremendous amount of buildup in a small amount of time and now Itachi couldn't help feeling just a little bit cheated.
Shisui, oblivious, was grinning like a fool.
"Well?" he prodded.
"Well what?" Itachi responded, fighting not to sound irritable.
"Well, do I win?"
Win? Win?
"Against Sasuke, I mean! Jeez, you forget everything that isn't a formula, don't you?"
Oh. Right. The competition. The one Itachi had wanted no part in to begin with. Had his subconscious known this would happen?
Itachi sighed.
"Sasuke wins."
"Whaaaat?" Shisui exclaimed, disbelieving. "You're kidding me! You love chocolate!"
Itachi shrugged, not feeling he particularly owed Shisui any explanation this time, and edged around him to continue the walk home.
There was a mutter from his spurned friend, something that sounded like "I don't think so." Which Itachi had less than a full second to compute before said friend was grabbing him by the shoulders, turning him around and kissing him.
No chocolate involved.
Itachi would later imagine that he had actually been able to hear his brain oozing out of his ears and all over the pavement. At the moment, however, he found himself unable to concentrate on that. What was rather freaking him out was the fact that the kiss felt nice; after that all coherent thought seemed to have taken a hike.
When Shisui finally let him breathe again, they were both scarlet—from exertion or embarrassment? Probably both—but the older of the two recovered first.
"Always keep the odds in your favor," he said, but his heart wasn't really in the statement. Somehow the competition had drifted to the back of both their minds.
Still. It didn't stop Itachi's first remark (as soon as his tongue decided to work again) from being "Sasuke still wins."
He smirked as Shisui's jaw dropped in an outraged sort of way.
"What?"
"You heard me. If you won you would lord it over him until the day you die. I'm not subjecting Sasuke to that, thank you."
"So…in other words, it's a pity win?" Shisui asked, triumphant.
"No," Itachi drawled. "I just like him more."
"Lies!" Shisui yelled, pointing an accusing finger. "Blatant lies!"
"Hm."
"You're so cold, Itachi. And after I went to all that trouble to get you a good gift."
Itachi fought off the returning blush and replied with dignity. "You really should learn how to set expectations properly."
"What, you think I didn't word it the way I did just to mess with you?"
"…Sasuke definitely wins."
"Whatever! I'll know I'm the true winner in your heart, 'tachi!"
"I refuse to dignify that with a response."
"You just did."
Itachi smacked him smartly upside the head and for some reason that reminded him.
"Happy Valentine's Day."
And Shisui grinned his stupid grin once more.
"It is indeed."