Somewhere I Belong

song: "Somewhere I Belong" by Linkin Park

pairings: James/Lily, mentioning of James/Lucius

plot: There are always detours on the road to true love.

"What do you mean 'I can't'?" The soft, deadly voice of Lucius Malfoy lashed out at James Potter, who didn't back down from the harsh undertone but only stiffened his shoulders as his resolution showed clear on his features. He would do this... And then he would be happy. "I can't do this anymore." James repeated quietly but sternly, as if he could force his fading strength into those words and make the blond accept them easier. But when had things ever been easy for James these days? "I want a real relationship- not just a screwing session five nights a week or whenever you call. I don't want to be your little call whore." His words came out quicker than before and he was slightly breathless. James was nervous, hell, he was scared. He had seen what had happened to Lucius Malfoy's past lovers when the blond had grown tired of them, and this was much more serious than him growing tired of James- James was disregarding him. But the famous Gryffindor bravery would not let him back down, not anymore. Lucius had cornered him too many times, backed him into too many walls. 'No, James Potter is no one's bitch,' the Gryffindor thought and waited for his former lover's reaction to his dismissal.

when this began
i had nothing to say
and i'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me
i was confused
and i let it all out to find/that i'm
not the only person with these things in mind
inside of me
but all the vacancy the words revealed
is the only real thing that i've got left to feel
nothing to lose
just stuck/hollow and alone
and the fault if my own
and the fault is my own

They had been meeting in secrete for six months now. It had started after the quidditch match, Gryffindor vs. Ravenclaw, and James had taken an hour longer in the showers, savoring his success. It had to of been a record- done and over with in less than 20 minutes! All thanks to James Potter, Gryffindor team's seeker for over five years now. But by the time he finnished changing and left the locker room, dusk had fallen and he had to walk alone up to the castle- but not for too long. Soon James had come upon a lone Slytherin sitting near the lake and they had formed a sort of bond. And a week later they were in the sack. But now James wanted out, having found love and affection and not just a fuck fest. But someone who actually cared about him...

i want to heal
i want to feel
what i thought was never real
i want to let go of the pain i've held so long
erase all the pain 'till it's gone

Lucius stood in the dimly lit room, arms crossed over his chest, glaring coldly at the raven haired Gryffindor. "Such ugly words from my pet's lips..." Lucius murmured and paused for a moment that seemed to drag on in the silence. "You want out? Then get out. I never said I wanted you here in the first place. You were the one who came crawling that night..." The Malfoy mask was placed firmly in place and his words dripped of icey malice. James also hid his emotions behind a similar mask. Even though he had been expecting something to that extent the harsh words still tore at his heart. "Goodbye then... Lucius." He had given his body to this boy, let him do whatever he had wanted, and Lucius was still not going to admit that he loved him. That's why James had to turn away from the blond and force his legs to move. He loved Lucius, not only lusted after him, like so many others, and it felt as if each step were a knife slicing into his chest and cutting out his heart. But this had to be done- there was no future with Lucius, with a Malfoy, short of a sex slave. Maybe, if things had been different, if times had been different, they wouldn't have to hide away. But they did and James couldn't live like that- live witout really living at all.

it's gone
i want to heal
i want to feel
like i'm close to something real
i want to find something i've wanted all along
somewhere i belong Lucius watched James walk away from him, fighting off the urge to curse the other boy into tiny, miniscule pieces. Or, worse yet, run after the Gryffindor and drag him back into the room, into his arms. Loving something was a weakness, so Lucius let him go and buried those soft emotions deep into himself, promising to never let them see the light of day ever again.

and i've got nothing to say
i can't believe i didn't fall right down on my face
i was confused
looking everywhere/only to find that it's
not the way i had imagined it all in my mind
so what am i
what do i have but negativity
'cause i can't justify the
way everyone is looking at me
nothing to lose
nothing to gain/hollow and alone
and the fault is my own
and the fault is my own

His steps echoed down the halls of the nearly emptied school and he made his way out of the dungeons, thinking about what was to come. He was going to be with Lily Evans, protected by his friends, and actually live out his days with a family all his own. He was going to make his father proud with a wonderful, healthy heir, be a father, be a damn good father, be in love. As the cold from the dungeons began to leave his body the prospect of things to come warmed his tired and chey body. He was going to grow old with people who loved him and who he could love. And he would have a son who he would protect until his dying day...

i will never know
myself until i do this on my own
and i will never feel
anything else until my wounds are healed
i will never be
anything 'till i break away from me
and i will break away
i'll find myself today

As James rounded the corner and turned to head up the stairs to Gryffindor tower a red haired girl with bright green eyes and a look of panic on her face called out, "Oh, James! Wait!" The raven haired boy stopped and turned around to face the girl. A smile lit up his face and he opened his arms wide to accept the hug. "Lilly, what are you doing still up?" James asked as she rested her head against his shoulder and lightly nuzzled his neck. His arms tightened around her prtectively. Lily sighed and closed her eyes, murmuring, "Sirius said where you were. What you were doing. She opened her eyes again and looked up at him with a very doefull expression, unshed tears threatening to come loose. "Oh James, did he hurt you? Are you okay?" There was so much love in those eyes, and so much pefection and goodness behind that love. James' heart felt like it skipped a beat and he asked, almost shyly, "You... Were worried about me, Lils?" His tone was softer than ussually and, for the second time that night, James found himself unable to play the cool, cocky Gryffindor hot-shot and a light blush tinged his cheeks. Lily blushed also and said imaptiently, "Of course I was, James... I-I love you." With that finally being said by someone who really meant it, James leaned down and kissed Lily with everything he had. All of the pent up, forced back, held in check emotions from Lucius, giving every inch of himself to her.

"I love you too."

.

i want to heal
i want to feel like i'm
somewhere i belong.

a/n: Not my best work, I'll admit, but I totally love James and this was my first real attempt at making him go through some hurt. How did I do? Will the angst Queen please tell me? lol!
Please r&r and I'll love you forever- or until I post the next fic.

Later all!

-Lyn