Authors Note: Sorry about the messed up notifications. The line breaks were seriously messing with the formatting so I had to remove them.
The Underforge was quiet. After everything that had happened, I appreciated quiet. I leaned back, my head resting against cool stone. My senses felt dulled, everything was muffled. It would take time to get used to my own humanity again.
To my surprise, I smelled him before I heard him. He smelled the same. Of vellum and ink, the books he so loved. Of the smoke from the great hall fires. Even with the beast gone, he smelled the same. I was glad.
"Hello Vilkas." I greeted him softly, not bothering to open my eyes. I didn't want to see the disdain on his face, the anger in his ice blue eyes. I had memorized every inch of his face, the sharp angle of his cheekbones, the scars bisecting at his left eye that he hid behind black war paint.
"You rejected him." He hissed. Straight to the point, as always.
"I did." I agreed.
"Why?" He demanded, his voice rising. "My brother adores you!"
"Your brother is a fool." I snapped coldly, finally opening my eyes.
He had never bothered to hide his anger from me, the fury at my comment was no different. "You don't deserve him!" He snarled, stalking forward.
"No. I don't." I admitted softly. He stopped, his brow knitted together. That look was familiar. He was trying to figure something out. Figure me out.
"Having you would make him happy." He said, after a long pause.
"Do you wish that for him?" I asked, arching a brow. "False happiness?"
"It wouldn't be false for him!" He argued.
"Your brother is a fool but he's not completely lacking, how long do you think it would take him to find out that I don't love him?" I challenged. "A month? Two?"
I was frustrating him, I could tell. But I spoke only the truth. Farkas deserved a woman that loved him completely. I could not be that woman.
"You could learn to love him!" He was relentless.
I had had enough. "Perhaps you are right Vilkas." I interrupted flatly. "I will go to him now."
He looked surprised. "You will?" He asked quietly.
"I will. He deserves to be happy. Besides, a life with Farkas would be a good one." I affirmed with a shrug. It wasn't a lie. Farkas was a good man. He would make an excellent husband.
"He would give you everything your heart desires." He had the nerve to sound sad. Rage flooded my veins. He didn't get to be sad.
"Everything? No, certainly not everything." I hissed. "But maybe it's a blessing. I can't have the brother I love, so I may as well marry someone who looks just like him."
His steel gauntlet slammed into the stone wall, right beside my head. I barely flinched. "What would you have me do Lilah? Betray my brother and steal from him the only thing he has ever truly wanted?" He bellowed.
"You cannot steal something that was never his Vilkas." I told him sadly. "Just as you cannot love me, I cannot force myself to love Farkas."
"Are you daft?" He pulled away, his ice blue eyes dark. "Of course I love you."
My eyes widened. So many months, suffering this one sided love and he had the audacity to tell me that he loved me. Even that didn't make him want me?
"Then why?!" I managed to gasp out.
"He is my brother! He would never forgive me!" He yelled.
A soft, deep voice breaking in nearly startled me out of my skin. "I am your brother. Which is why you should have known that you could have told me."
Farkas! Damn these human senses! "Farkas I-"
He rounded on me. "And you! We are Shield Siblings! Friends! Why would you not just tell me? You made me think I had done something wrong, that I had disappointed you." He looked so much like his brother, but more jovial, more personable. Where Vilkas glowered and snarled, Farkas smiled and laughed.
There was no joy in his eyes, as he looked into mine. Just sadness and raw pain. Pain I had put there in an attempt to spare him. I froze. I had never wanted to hurt him. I opened my mouth to explain, but the words wouldn't come. Oh Farkas.
He looked at his brother. "I'm not a child. You can't protect me from everything anymore. Did you really think I would deny you the chance to be happy?" Farkas looked even more hurt, if that was even looked ashamed.
"This is my fault." I finally managed to spit out. They both looked at me in surprise. "I have caused you nothing but hurt. Both of you. I should just go." I rose, making for the door.
Farkas stepped in my way, holding my upper arms firmly. "Lilah, you tried. I see this now. All the times you rebuffed me. I thought you were playing hard to get, but you were just trying to be kind. I lost myself to the chase and I didn't listen." He admitted. I shook my head. "I do love you. It will hurt to see you with my brother." I tried to pull away but he just tightened his grip.
He leaned his forehead against mine, and shushed me. He was so different from his brother. He smelled of the rain soaked grass and sweet hay. He was soft and gentle and simple. Sweet and kind. He was fearsome in his own right, covered in battle scars. He was day, Vilkas was night. I squeezed him tight, hoping that he would understand. He was perfect, my heart was just a fool. He kissed my forehead before releasing me. He tucked my red hair behind my ear and smiled at me.
He turned to his brother, the smile gone. "You will treat her well. I have no doubt. But if you ever lie to me again, I will have no brother. You do not get to choose my path for me Vilkas. Even if you are eleven minutes older."
"I am sorry Farkas." Vilkas whispered. Farkas sighed and clapped him on the back.
"All is forgiven brother."
Vilkas smiled. "I love you brother."
Farkas rolled his eyes. "Milk drinker."
"Horker face."
"Skeever breath."
"Dung for brains."
I wasn't sure what was happening but both men were grinning widely. Farkas nodded and slipped out the way he had come. Leaving me alone with Vilkas. I suddenly wished that a portal to Oblivion would open up and suck me in.
"Well. I should be go-" I was interrupted by a bruising kiss. It felt more like he was smashing his face against mine, rather than showing me affection. His calloused hands gripped my upper arms tightly, digging into my pale skin. I broke out of his grasp and pulled away, bristling at being manhandled.
"How dare you!" I snapped.
He scowled. "How dare I? You just told me that you love me, and I'm not allowed to touch you?"
"You just tried to marry me off to your brother!" I hissed.
He gaped at me. His mouth opened and shut a few times before he growled and stalked past me. "Fine!"
"Fine!" I yelled after him. Incorrigible man!
I stomped over to my bench and plopped down. I hadn't asked for any of this. All I wanted was some peace and quiet.
SIX MONTHS LATER
I threw my head back and laughed. Jon Battle-Born was regaling us with tales of his drunken exploits with Olfina. The newlywed couple was celebrating their union in traditional Nord fashion. For me, it was like watching my wounded homeland heal. The war was done, Alduin was finally gone. It had been a busy year for me. But I was free to relax. Free to enjoy life without destiny looming over me like a dark cloud.
"Never did see what Jon saw in that Greymane girl. Much too skinny. You're what a real woman should look like." Idolaf siddled up to me, an impish grin upon his face.
"Save your sweet words for your wife Silver Tongue!" I laughed, giving him a gentle shove. I was a sturdy woman, I always had been. While the other girls around me were tall and thin, I was short and thick. My hips and thighs were wide, my chest large and heavy.
"If I were fifteen winters younger!" He joked ruefully.
"You'd still be an old man!" I cried. He guffawed and shook his head.
"Aye. Saw what you did at the battle, you know." He remarked, taking a drink from his tankerd. "Climbed up the wall to watch."
I sighed. "Nasty business, killing my own countrymen."
"You shouted and summoned those fire serpents? Never seen anything like it." Idolaf said.
"In a way. That shout harnesses the dragonfire in my soul. If the fire kills a man, a fire wyrm bursts from the corpse to aid me in battle." I explained.
"There were near fifty fire serpents, your voice alone killed fifty stormcloaks?" The Battle-Born man stared at me in amazement, and I didn't need the beastblood to smell his fear.
"Only thirty-eight." I replied softly. He edged away from me, as if worried I would go on a sudden rampage and kill them all.
I sighed and finished my mead bitterly. I was a hero when I shouted a dragon from the sky, but mothers moved their children out of my path when I walked through the market.
"Where have you been?" A low snarl caused me to roll my eyes in exasperation. Of course he was here. He never socialized, ever. But he would come out to harass me.
"You know where I've been Vilkas." I said flatly.
"You couldn't bother to write? To let us know that you were alive? You have responsibilities! You're Harbinger! You can't just go off galavanting as you please!" His volume started to rise and I rounded on him, enraged. I was a little unsteady from the mead so I took a moment to straighten up. I swung hard, my fist connecting solidly with his jaw. He went down straight away. A combination of surprise and my strength. They didn't call me Warhammer for nothing. I loomed over him.
"Galavanting? Are you soft in the head?! I was fighting a war, you horker!" I hissed. "I was slaying the dragon that threatened to consume Kodlaks soul! The very soul I tore my own in two to save from the Hunting Grounds! Don't you dare talk to me about responsibilities when all you do is sit in your room, staring at dusty books all day!"
By then, everyone was staring at us, at me. I forced a smile and addressed Olfina. "Thank you so much for your invitation. I must be going. Congratulations again." She managed to smile back and nod.
I walked out into the chilly night, seething. He had no right.
"Lilah!"
I snarled under my breath. I just wanted to be left alone.
"For Talos sake Vilkas! Leave me be! I'll step down as harbinger, I'll never return to Whiterun, I'll marry your brother, just give me some damned peace!" I bellowed, whipping around. I realized much too late that Vilkas and Farkas sounded very similar when shouting.
"Farkas." I groaned, covering my face with my hands.
"I see my brother has already charmed you tonight." He laughed. I smiled. So easy going.
"As usual, you know Vilkas." I agreed dryly.
"He has pouted in his room for near a year now. I told him you were finally back. The way he... I Thought..." Farkas trailed off. He looked confused. His sweet face was scrunched up and thoughtful.
"You thought what?" I asked, smoothing the wrinkles between his eyebrows with a gentle swipe of my thumb.
"He seemed so excited to come see you. He combed his hair and..." He cleared his throat. He reached up to stay my hand, I had been absently stroking his temple with my fingertips affectionately. I had missed his low voice, his mild manner. The smell of him.
"You've had too much mead." He smiled, somewhat ruefully.
"Maybe just enough." I observed, stepping closer. "I find, that I've missed you terribly Farkas."
"Lilah, I... I think I should walk you home." Farkas said, grasping me above the elbow gently. Having him come home with me sounded perfect, so I nodded happily.
"I'm sure Vilkas will come around." He said after a few moments.
"I don't want to talk about him Farkas. I want to talk about you." I insisted.
"Me? What about me?" He asked with a laugh. I loved the way he laughed.
"Has anything changed?" I asked.
"Changed? I cannot think of anything that has changed. Vignar broke his arm a few months back." He said, rubbing at the back of his neck.
"No Farkas, I meant your feelings. Do you love me still?" I asked bluntly.
"Lilah I... It doesn't matter." He sputtered, stopping in his tracks.
"It does to me. I've missed you so much Farkas." I whispered. I pressed myself against his broad chest, my stomach filled with butterflies. I leaned over to press a kiss to his lips. My whole world imploded, or at least it felt like it.
The sunlight on my face woke me the next morning. I groaned, a dull headache already present. I opened my eyes slowly, blinking to take in the far too bright world. Only a few inches away sat the hunched over figure of a man. Black hair and ice blue eyes. I smiled softly, then froze. I blinked again.
"Good morning." He said, a light humor in his voice.
Oh. Oh no. Farkas. Dear Gods no! What had I done?! I bolted upright, despite my body's fierce protest.
"You should see your face." He snorted, handing me a mug.
"Farkas I- I am so sorry." I wheezed, taking a sip of the contents of the mug. I wrinkled my nose in disgust.
"As you should be. You made sick all over my favorite boots." He agreed, leaning forward. "If I hadn't moved back you would have emptied your stomach on my face."
"I what?" I asked dumbly.
"You were deep in your cups, puked all over like a whelp and left me to clean up the mess." He laughed quietly. "You don't remember?"
I finished off the curative potion with a grimace. "I uh, I remember trying to kiss you." I admitted, staring at my knees in shame.
"You won't be the last drunk woman to make sick on me Lilah." He dismissed with a wave of his hand. "I stayed to make sure you slept through the night safely."
"I'm sorry Farkas." I whispered.
"Lilah, it's been a year. Wounds heal over time. The only thing I'm worried about is explaining to Ria why I didn't come home last night." He was too sweet to be real. Farkas wasn't deceitful, wasn't harsh or closed off. I bitterly chastised my heart for loving the wrong brother.
"Ria is a good woman. A strong warrior." I told him.
"She is. She's kind to me. Never teases me." The small smile pulling at his lips made my heart happy. He was in love with a strong, decent woman that would make him a great wife.
A pounding on the door caused me to groan. I hoisted myself out of bed. Farkas had pulled my boots off of me at least. I padded to the door, certain I looked a sight.
Vilkas stood on my doorstep, looking awkward. He had washed off all of his smeared war paint, it was almost odd to see him without it. There was a bruise blooming on his jaw where my fist had connected. He cleared his throat. "Lilah, hello. How are you?"
I couldn't help but smile. He had even combed his hair. "I'm well Vilkas. How are you?"
"Very well, thank you." He blinked at me for a few moments. "May I come in?"
I nodded and stepped back. "Sure."
He stepped inside and looked around. I realized that he had never been in my home before. We smiled at one another hesitantly. Before anything could be said, Farkas plodded down the stairs.
"Good morning brother!" He called brightly. Vilkas looked surprised to see him. He looked from Farkas to me, a frown in place.
"Good morning Farkas." He said flatly. "Ria was looking for you earlier."
Farkas rubbed his jaw with a grimace. "I expect she was." He looked at me and smiled. "I'll see you around Shield Sister."
I nodded and waved. I turned to Vilkas, only to have him glowering at me. I raised my eyebrows.
"What are you playing at?" He snarled.
My temper flared up immediately. "Did you come here to fight Vilkas?"
"What was he doing here Lilah?" He yelled.
"What are you talking about?" I yelled back.
"Don't play stupid woman!" He bellowed, stepping closer, fists clenched.
I swung at him, but he caught me by the wrist and threw me up against the wall, pinning me there. "Why was my brother in your bedroom?" He hissed. His ice blue eyes were so full of rage I was mesmerized for a moment. Then realization hit me. The giant ass was jealous!
"He stayed the night last night." I replied with a cold smirk.
"Whore!" He bellowed.
Rage filled me and I snapped my head forward, as hard as I could. It dazed him enough for him to release my hands. "You're an idiot!" I snapped, rubbing my throbbing head. I blinked the spots swimming in front of my eyes away and looked to him curiously. All of his anger seemed to be gone.
He slid down the wall to sit on my floor. He put his head in his hands and sighed. I knelt in front of him, my hands covering his, on either side of his face. He lifted his chin to look at me miserably.
"He stayed to make sure I didn't choke in the night." I explained softly. He squeezed his eyes shut.
He let his hands drop to his lap, clasping mine as he did. "I'm a jealous fool." He admitted.
"Why did you come here Vilkas?" I asked.
"To apologize." He replied. "To tell you that I missed you, every moment that you were gone."
He was so beautiful, this man. So complicated, so ornery. So loyal and intelligent. The melody of his heartbeat completed the song of my own.
"I missed you too Vilkas." I whispered, admitting it aloud for the first time.
"I love you Lilah." Vilkas looked terrified, and I couldn't help but smile. I launched myself at him, happiness flooding me. He flopped over with an oomph.
"And I love you!" I giggled, smothering his face in kisses.
"Marry me." He demanded, laughing as I nibbled on his neck.
I hopped up and offered him my hand. He looked up at me, his eyebrows drawn together.
"C'mon love. It's a long walk to Riften. We'd better get moving." I insisted, thrusting my hand at him.
He took my hand and pulled me down on top of him. I pressed my cheek to his chest and listened to his heartbeat, his arms wrapped around my waist. "Give me an hour. I want to breathe you in." He mumbled into my hair.