"I forgive you"
"Mooney…"
"Remus…"
Remus slowly turned around. Sirius Black was standing there. His face was thin, sort of sunken, the hair was short than the night of Shrieking Shack, one year ago. But his thin starved frame, however, remained the same as that from their last meeting.
Sirius's grin somehow faded at the reaction of his best mate. Remus cleared his throat and before Sirius could even start, he interrupted.
"How is Harry?"
Sirius was a bit taken aback by his abrupt question. Certainly, he expected him to be worried about Harry, the only bit of James & Lily, their best friends that still remained. But the little part of him wished to be asked about his well being, about him, about his emotions, about the way he felt, about the way he survived, about the way he suffered. There was so much to be asked. He had difficulty to believe that the man, standing in front of him was really Remus, his Remus. Surely, Remus was very good at hiding the emotions but he was never being able to hide his concern about Sirius properly. Sirius concluded that there must be something wrong and whatever it is Sirius was determined to help him out of it.
'Now he has me again…' Sirius thought firmly.
"I know you saw him .Dumbledore's patronus arrived a bit ago. So I know that you were at Hogwarts & coming from the castle straight." Remus said misinterpreting the uncharacteristic silence from the other side.
"Oh! He is doing…well…I guess." Sirius stated.
"Good. So why Dumbledore asked you to contact me?"
"Well, according to Harry, Voldemort rises again & he wants to reorganize the good old ORDER OF PHOENIX."
"Naturally."
"I offered my old house as head quarter of the order, as that is the safest place I knew so far, thanks to my maniac parents, who performed each & every spells they could find to make sure that the house remain impenetrable & unplottable." Sirius finished with a lighter tone in his voice.
Remus, however ignored the tone & seriously nodded.
Sirius looked at his best friend. He looked tired & greyer than usual. There were fine premature lines in his face. He was staring at the fire in the fireplace. His soft brown eyes were still the same, only they had lost their usual light of youth, spark of joy & the calm but slightly mischievous twinkling, with which Sirius was so familiar with. His eyes were, in one word, sad. Sirius made a move to touch his shoulder. Immediately, as if sensing Sirius's move Remus shifted & faced Sirius.
"Well, I guess you are staying here for a while."
Sirius withdrew his outstretched hand.
"Yeah, I am...but if you have any prob…"
"Ok. You must be tired. You can sleep in the guest room. Upstairs, the left one." Remus smoothly cut in ignoring the last unuttered sentence of Sirius.
"Er… thanks. Goodnight Mooney."
Remus visibly flinched at the use of his long lost nick name, & only nodded stiffly in response. Sirius frowned inwardly but managed a smile which didn't reach to his eyes & slowly made his way to upstairs.
As soon as Sirius was out of sight, Remus collapsed promptly in the nearby couch & hid his face with his shaking hands. He couldn't believe that at last he was seeing Sirius in flesh & blood, in real. He was no more an imagination of him. He was there, he was there with him. As soon as he saw Sirius, he wanted to hug him tightly, he wanted to ask about him, he wanted to know each & every bit of his suffering, he wanted to comfort him but he just couldn't do it. Since the moment, he came to know that Sirius didn't tell him that he switched place with Peter because he suspected HIM to be the spy, he was shattered. Not even in his wildest dream he could think that Sirius could suspect him.
From the time of Sirius's imprisonment, he had to convince the inner wolf of himself that Sirius was innocent, he was still his mate & one day he would come back. But Mooney continued to search for his pack mate Padfoot & became increasingly violent, as he couldn't find him. The violence of Mooney turned the full moons painful & agonized for Remus. Then after the discovery of wolvesbane potion, Remus was able to control Mooney. But after the night in the Shrieking Shack, when he came to know about Sirius's suspicion, Mooney couldn't be controlled by him anymore, even the effect of wolvesbane started to fall since then. Mooney decided to punish Padfoot severely & since he couldn't get him during the time of full moon, he considered it as Remus's fault & punished him instead mercilessly.
Remus knew perfectly well that he couldn't say these things to Sirius, the man who already had gone through so much cruelty, so much undeserved sufferings. He knew Sirius wasn't expecting this coldness from him. Although he managed to smile, but Remus knew that he was hurt.
'I just can't be your old mate again, because I know you too well Padfoot…' Remus thought aloud, '…that if you know about the violence of Mooney you will accompany me during the full moons & I won't be able to restrain you & God knows what will happen next. Even if I don't tell you about this & starts to be friendly with you, you will accompany me in the full moons as usual & Mooney will tear you apart afterwards.' Remus shuddered at this very thought.
"No I can never let this happen .I need to stay away from you. I can't see you being hurt; I can't see you in blood." Remus voiced aloud.
Slowly he got up from the couch & headed towards his bedroom. He paused at the door of the guest room. There was no sound of snoring & it was unusually quiet, which only indicated that Sirius was still awake. Remus sighed & quietly made his way to his own bedroom.
Sirius woke up as the first golden ray of sun struck his face silently, through the open window. Sirius blinked & put the blanket over his face. After a while he removed the blanket from his face & sat up on the bed, all confused. At first, he was wondering where the hell was he? But then the memory of last night slowly crept back to him. He smiled. He was with Remus, he was happy. Sirius stretched & yawned. He got up from the bed & started to look around. The room was small & cozy with a small bed in it, a cupboard, a bedside reading table & a couch beside the window. The walls were plastered with light brown wallpaper, which were worn off at some places & the window had got a dusty deep brown curtain. Sirius moved towards the bedside table. A single wizard calendar was standing on it. Sirius checked today's date & found to his surprise that it was a full moon day.
'Ah! That explains his behaviour last night.' Sirius sighed in relief.
'So, tonight is gonna be the first Mooney-Padfoot night after thirteen whole years.' Sirius thought emotionally.
Sirius stood up & went to the cupboard & opened it. A set of clean robe was hanging there. Sirius changed into them & made his way downstairs. He heard the sound of utensils from kitchen & peered his head through the kitchen door to found Remus was making breakfast. Sirius grinned broadly.
"Morning Mooney."
"Morning." Remus answered without turning around. Sirius went to sit down on a dining chair nearby. Remus put one plate of breads & eggs in front of him.
"Thanks Mooney." Sirius started hungrily on his food.
Remus saw Sirius at the corner of his eyes. An enormous sadness filled his heart as he saw him eating with such eagerness. This must had been a decent meal to him after about a decade. Remus turned his eyes towards his own plate.
"Want more?" Remus asked automatically, after Sirius finished his plate in an extremely brief period of time.
Sirius looked up. He hesitated for a bit. Remus stood up & marched towards the oven, without caring for an answer and returned with a plate, full of fresh bacons & a few slices of fruit cake and a glass of orange juice in his hands. He put them all in front of Sirius silently.
"Eat. You need them."
Sirius blushed slightly at his comment & without looking up he murmured "Thanks…"
"Anytime." Remus replied noticing Sirius's blush.
They both ate in a stiff silence.
"Tonight's gonna be fun Mooney." Remus's gaze shot up to see Sirius.
"Why do you think …?" Remus placed carefully.
"Oh! Come on Mooney. Tonight's full moon."
Remus froze. He was expecting this from Sirius but not this soon. He was under the impression that Sirius surely wouldn't remember this one. He was being on the run & it was expected for him to lose the track of days, let alone the full moons.
"How do you…" Remus trailed off.
"Nice calendar you've got." Sirius winked happily.
Remus mentally kicked himself. He totally forgot about that calendar that flashed every full moon in bright blue colour.
"So where do you plan to transform? Do you still go to the Shrieking Shack?" Sirius enquired enthusiastically.
"No." Remus replied slowly, without looking at Sirius.
"Oh! Of course not...stupid of me to ask. You have a place for it? A secret place? May be a bit more cree…"
"No." Remus interrupted & stared at the vast blue sky through the kitchen window.
"Okay…So where are we going tonight?" Sirius pushed on.
"No Sirius." Remus stated firmly.
"No…what?" Sirius was confused.
"WE are not going anywhere tonight. I am."
Sirius's confusion increased.
"But Mooney, I…I thought…WHY?" Sirius desperately asked.
"Mooney is accustomed without Padfoot. Besides, now I have wolvesbane & I can control Mooney & keep my mind right during transformation." Remus Stood up & moved towards the kitchen sink.
"I don't need you during the transformation. Not anymore." Remus finished turning away from Sirius.
"Don't need me… Since when I do it just because of your neediness? " Sirius said in an amazed tone.
"Well, it started like that. You & James…", Remus deliberately skipped Peter's name,"… wanted to help me during my transformation to make it less painful for me."
"No Remus. It didn't start like that. We didn't do it, just because we wanted to help somebody. Don't make it sound like a bloody social work. We did it for our friend, for someone, I…we cared for, for you. We wanted to be with you damn it." Sirius slammed a fist on the dining table.
"May be James did for that." Remus commented sarcastically.
"What do you mean James did for that?" Sirius demanded.
"Friends trust each other Sirius." Remus's ice cold voice cut in like a sharp knife.
Sirius looked appalled. After a few moments of silence Sirius spoke.
"Remus…please, listen to me, I was in panic, I couldn't think properly. I...I did a terrible mistake. As soon as I realized, I wanted to come to you, to apologize, to tell you the truth. Mooney…"
"Don't call me Mooney." Remus suddenly shouted shocking Sirius to his extreme.
Remus clenched his teeth & prayed for more inner strength. He didn't dare to look at Sirius. He just couldn't face the shocked & pained expression. that he just knew too well, was crossing Sirius's face at that moment. He just couldn't afford to break down in front of Sirius.
'I am sorry Padfoot, I am sorry Padfoot…' His mind chanted these words inwardly.
He felt a trembling hand on his shoulder. Sirius's Hand. Remus closed his eyes.
"Remus…" a very soft voice, shook with so many emotions inside it, was spoken near his ears.
"No Sirius…just …just leave me alone." With that Remus jerked the hand from his shoulder & stormed out of the house.
Sirius just stayed there, looking at the still swinging kitchen door.
Remus was sitting in a cheap muggle tea shop & sipping his tea. Last night was particularly nasty one. He had now several fresh gashes & a handful of new deep cuts in his whole body. A particular nasty one is on his left shoulder that crawled down to his wrist. Every movement was causing him pain. He winced every now & then. Spending the full moons inside a cell, in a dingy muggle swage tunnel, as a prisoner, always irked the werewolf. Last night was particularly violent. for the fact, that Mooney punished Remus, as he prevented his prey, Padfoot to join him. The werewolf continued to punish the human in the most cruel way & the scream of the human just remained inside the cell, due to the perfect silence charm that Remus casted before his transformation.
Remus found himself, lying in a pool of blood & moaning in agony this morning. Slowly he rose in the sitting position & unlocked the cell. He dragged himself out of the cell towards his clothes & wand. He started to nurse the several injuries of him, but he just knew that, some of them were beyond his skill. But he couldn't go to Hogwarts, to Madam Pomferry, the kind healer, who took care of him at every full moon since he was eleven. If he would go, words would spread & Sirius would know.
After several hours, Remus came out of the tunnel & headed to the nearest tea shop. He needed some stimulant. He decided to spend the entire morning outside his house.
Sirius couldn't sleep the whole night. He was burdened with enormous guilt. He spent the whole day waiting for Remus, sitting in front of the fireplace & after the moon rise, when he realized that Remus was not going to be back for the night, he still remained there…just in case. The first ray of the sun witnessed, a middle aged man, sitting in front of the fireplace, in the living room, gazing fixedly at the fireplace with his bloodshot & very tired eyes.
At around noon, the fireplace roared & Remus Lupin stepped out from the green flames. Sirius rushed forward to help him, forgetting all about his tiredness. He grabbed Remus's shoulder gently before he fell down. Remus stiffened under his touch. Remus freed himself from Sirius's touch, this time a little more slowly & gently. But Sirius, this time didn't let go.
"No Remus, you are weak. Just let me…"
"I am fine." Remus cut in & looked straight at Sirius's eyes. Immediately he noticed his bloodshot & tired eyes & understood that he was up all night, waiting for him. He felt a pang in his heart.
"No. You are not fine." Sirius said sternly.
"Yes, I am. Sirius, we are not teenagers anymore. Get over it."
"Get over what Remus?"
"Just accept the fact that I am fully capable of taking care of myself. You don't have to worry about me…anymore." Remus turned from Sirius.
"I made a mistake, alright ?& I've suffered for it. I've suffered each & every moment since the night Remus. I rot to almost madness there. I mourned for them…yeah… but the thing that haunted me like…like…hell, is the fact that I suspected you . Remus I am sorry, I am sorry. I was so relieved when last year in front of Harry you forgave me so easily, I was so…"
"What did you expect me to do in front of Harry?" Remus interrupted harshly.
Sirius blinked.
"That was… just because we were in front of the kids…" Sirius said slowly.
"Well, yes."
"Can't you…forgive me?"
"Remus?" Sirius urged.
"I will be there if you need me." Remus replied slowly.
Sirius didn't say anything, he slowly backed away and left the living room silently. Remus closed his eyes & sighed sadly.
After a few days, all the members of the order gathered in No.12 Grimmauld place including Sirius & Remus. Sirius started to live there, with much of his dislike & Remus moved in & out for different order business. They remained formal to each other. They talked normally in front of everybody, specially in front of Harry, but those are generally order business & things like that. They remained distant from each other & each of them was suffering silently to the utmost.
Finally, the night came when Harry was lured to the Ministry Of Magic by the tricky Voldemort.
Remus burst into Sirius's room.
"Sirius, they have got Harry."
"WHAT?" Sirius jumped to his feet.
"To the ministry of magic. Mad eye, Tonks, Kingsley and me are going."
Sirius snatched his wand & started towards the door.
"You shouldn't go Sirius. It is dangerous for you. You are still a convicted murderer to them."
"You cannot expect me to stay behind while my Godson is out in the jaws of death. Can you? Besides… I am fully capable of taking care of myself. You don't have to worry about me…anymore." Sirius left the room.
Remus remained standstill for a moment & then he, too followed.
"Come on cousin, you can do better than that." Sirius was laughing at Bellatrix.
"Avada Kedavra." A jet of acid green light emerged from the wand tip of Bellatrix, hit Sirius across the chest. Sirius's body fell through the archway of the veil gracefully.
At the moment of his fall, Sirius caught the expression of utmost horror, immense pain & disbelieve in Remus's eyes. For the first time, since last fifteen years, Sirius witnessed, the face of his one of the best mates, in Remus's pale face, which was blazing with utmost concern & worry for him. A faint smile crossed across Sirius's face.
Remus bent down at the small tombstone, which represented Sirius's grave. There was no body burying as Sirius's body wasn't found.
Slowly, Remus placed a white rose beneath the tombstone. Silent tears were falling freely from Remus's eyes on the ground beneath the white marble stone. Remus stroked the stone affectionately, as if he was caressing his best friend, his mate, his love. His fingers traveled over the etched words Sirius Black , several times. He just kept running his fingers through the word Sirius. More tears fell. He drew his wand & pointed towards the tomb stone. With a gentle move with the wand, three words appeared just beneath the name & dates, "Mooney's Padfoot forever." Remus looked up t the starlit sky above him. He placed the brightest dog star, the star 'Sirius'. among the millions of other stars.
"I forgive you Padfoot. I forgive you." He whispered.
More tears came crawling down from his eyes, but he didn't blink back them. He allowed them to fall freely. He just stared at the star 'Sirius'.
The star twinkled at him, as if to tell, "Mooney, I know."