A/N: I had some technical problems and was forced to re-upload this. I apologize to anyone it might have inconvenienced.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Some people take deep breaths or count backwards from ten when they're overwhelmed. Quinn Fabray recites Bible verses in her head. It's something she's done since she was old enough to memorize scripture. During times when monsters hid in the dark corners of her room and her parents couldn't be bothered to comfort her, those words were all she had to cling to. Quinn would whisper them to herself over and over again until she felt like there was an invisible shield between her and anything that wanted to hurt her.
As she got older the macabre faces of shifting shadows became something else entirely different and scarier still, because it haunted her in the dark and the light.
Finn's driving her home from a date at Breadstix when he brings it up for the first time.
"We've been dating for three months."
"And?"
"And..." He trails off nervously, his eyes flicking from her to the road.
"What are you trying to say, Finn? Spit it out." If anything, Quinn's harsh tone and glare make him even more nervous and he shrinks away from her.
"Look, I totally respect that you want to save it for Jesus or your husband or whatever, but you don't let me touch you."
Her heartbeat quickens, first with panic and then with anger. "Just because you're my boyfriend doesn't mean you own my body."
"Hey, I know that. I'm just saying—" He pauses and his face reflects his frustration. "Do you still like me?"
Her eyes soften and she says gently, "Of course I like you." And she does. Finn is sweet and endearing and everything she knows a girl should want in a boyfriend.
So she tries harder. The next time they're alone together she lets him cup her bra covered breasts and press his sticky palms against the soft skin of her thighs. She tries to feel something, something other than the urge to push him away.
She puts together a formula and for a while it works. A chaste kiss everyday at school, plus one makeout session per week (lasting long enough for Finn to cop a few quick feels, but not long enough for her to feel like she needs a scalding shower after), equals a happy and unquestioning Finn.
She tries to ignore the fact that dating him feels like nothing more than a chore.
Quinn starts to think that maybe it's just Finn that disgusts her. That maybe she should cut him loose for a while and date someone else. Of course, she would eventually go back to Finn, after all he is the quarterback and she is captain of the Cheerios. They're supposed to be together, it's the rules of high school hierarchy. She just needs to make sure that the problem isn't hers; it's Finn's. He's a bad kisser, she reasons, because she's his first real girlfriend. He's a slow learner and maybe he hasn't gotten the hang of it yet.
All it takes is one bad day and her plans to carefully select Finn's temporary replacement fall apart completely. They're at Cheerios practice and she's being held up in the air by another Cheerio when one of their arms start to tremble and the next thing she knows, she's on the ground. Of course Coach Sylvester tears into the lower ranking Cheerio and then somewhere in the midst of her sharp insults she turns her sights onto Quinn, basically calling her fat in front of the entire squad.
She arrives home to an empty house and her phone vibrates in her hand. It's Puck asking her what they did in English because, as usual, he skipped. Instead of texting him back, she calls him. She tells him that her parents aren't home and he should come by. She tells him that he should bring alcohol. She tells him she needs someone to make her feel better.
After he leaves the first thing she does is go to the bathroom and dry heaves into her toilet because now she knows for sure.
It's not Finn.
It's not Puck.
It's her.
Apparently, she has farther to fall.
A few weeks after and four days late, she finally breaks down and buys a pregnancy test.
She takes it in the bathroom of the Wal Mart she bought it at and less than five minutes later she sees her entire future laid out for her.
She's going to live and die in Lima.
The test is positive.
And I was with you in weakness, and in fear, and in much trembling.
Quinn's life is becoming a jumbled mess, but at least now she has someone to blame it on. She decides to stick with Finn. If worse comes to worst she's knows he would be a good father for her baby. But now he's ruining everything because he has the insane idea that being in glee club is okay and she knows that Rachel Berry is behind it all.
She's not sure what it is about that girl, but she gets under Quinn's skin. Everywhere she looks Rachel Berry is there, hovering. And when Rachel isn't there physically, thoughts of her tug at the edges of Quinn's mind.
She doesn't know who she's angrier with; her father for not granting her mercy, her mother for not protecting her, or herself for being so stupid.
The thing is she had pictured this scene before, playing out exactly as it did, but for a different reason entirely.
Everyone hates her, except the one person who should hate her most of all.
Now that the truth is out, Rachel is the only person, besides Puck, who's willing to show her a bit of kindness.
Quinn isn't sure if the other girl is being genuine or if she's doing it out of guilt, but she begins to look forward to the small smile Rachel gives her everyday before glee.
The baby comes and goes.
Quinn thought that maybe once she actually gave birth and could see and touch her, that her feelings would change. But even when Quinn held her to her chest, so warm and so soft, she still didn't feel like a mother.
She's been having a lot of unanswered prayers lately, but if she could choose one for God to hear, it would be that Shelby will give Beth a better life than she would've gotten with her and Puck. That's all Quinn wants.
Watch and pray that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.
In the top drawer of her nightstand lies her grandmother's Bible. It's brown and the leather is soft, wrinkled, and worn from years of use. Inside there are verses highlighted and underlined. Notes are lovingly written in black ink and small script in the spaces next to block print. They're her grandmother's thoughts and questions left for her to learn from.
There was a short time in her life, between Lucy and Beth, when her father could look her in the eye without a trace of disappointment and tell her that all of the answers to life's problems could be found in that book.
One morning she wakes up thinking about what Rachel's hair would look like in contrast to her sheets.
She spends the rest of the day gingerly turning pages until her wrists are sore and her eyes sting.
That night, she Google's homosexual rehabilitation and skims the links.
Quinn feels like she's about to go completely insane and it's all Rachel Berry's fault.
Now that she doesn't have the pregnancy constantly weighing on her mind, it's almost always wandering. Wandering to Rachel.
She feels it lurking every time she catches herself noticing the way Rachel's sweaters cling to the curves of her breasts, or the way Rachel sometimes bites her bottom lip in excitement when Mr. Schuester announces their latest glee assignment.
So, Quinn deals with it the only way she knows how; she goes cold turkey. She carries more books with her to minimize any chance she might have of running into Rachel at their lockers. She takes the long way to her classes to avoid accidentally passing Rachel in the hallways. And most noticeable, she begins to miss glee club practices.
In true Rachel fashion, she eventually feels the need to say something to Quinn about it.
Quinn is walking up to the sinks in the girls' restroom when she realizes that Rachel has followed her in.
Rachel's eyes meet hers in the reflection of the mirror above the sink and she says, "I know we're not exactly the closest of friends, Quinn, but it's become evident that you've been making a special effort to avoid me and I'd like to know why."
"I'm not avoiding you. You're delusional," Quinn snaps.
"I resent that. Despite what people may say about my dreams of grandeur, I'd like to think that I have a very firm grasp on reality." Rachel takes a step toward her. "I just think it's petty of you to try to hurt me when it's detrimental to glee club as a whole."
Quinn spins around to face her. "What makes you think that me not going to glee club has anything to do with you? Better yet, what makes you think that I would waste a moment of my time thinking about you at all?"
The insult seems to roll off of Rachel and the only thing she does is shake her head in confusion. "What did I do?"
For a moment there's silence. And then Quinn quietly says, "Nothing." She turns back to the sink and turns the water on. Watching the water rush down the drain, she can still feel Rachel standing somewhere behind her, looking at her and unmoving. She doesn't want Rachel to her cry. "Can you leave now?"
And she does.
And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.
Quinn decides it's time to talk to someone. She quickly dismisses anyone at school. Nobody at William McKinley seems to know how to keep their mouth shut.
Her mom is out considering that their conversations only ever revolve around superficial dribble.
She finally thinks of someone, someone who's supposed to have all the answers, and she almost can't believe she didn't think of it sooner.
"It's nice to see you again, Quinn," he says sitting down in his black leather covered office chair.
She sits down in the chair across from him, his desk separating them. "Thank you for taking the time to talk with me Reverend."
"You know you can just call me Neil, right? I mean, I've known you since you were nine, I dated your sister—"
"I know, but I'm here on official business."
He straightens his stature and smooths down the front of his button-down shirt in mock seriousness. "Oh, well, if it's official…"
"Could you be professional for just five minutes? A soul is at stake here."
He leans back in his chair and gives her a polite smile. "What can I help you with, Quinn?"
"I'm doing research on morality and homosexuality."
He looks at her carefully. "Research."
She nods in confirmation, clearing her throat. "It's for a paper I'm writing". He begins to open his mouth and she quickly adds, "For school."
Neil smiles and asks, "What do you want to know?"
"I want to know if it's truly an abomination to be gay and if someone finds them self having homosexual thoughts, how can they continue with their faith without feeling like some sort of fraud?"
Neil's reading glasses are folded and sitting on top of his Bible, so he picks them up and puts them on before opening his Bible and thumbing through it. "Let's start with the first part of your question—" He finds the page that he wants and pushes his sliding glasses up the bridge of his nose.
Quinn swallows and looks down at her hands in her lap. "I know what I've been taught…that it isn't right. My dad would always talk about how disgusting it is and once he even said that he'd rather have a murderer in the family than someone who was gay."
Neil's eyebrows shoot up. "Wow. From the sound of it your dad is very misguided."
"Is he though?"
He sighs and leans toward her, resting his elbows on his desk. "The Word is to be used for guidance, not for judgment. Sexuality is only a small part of who a person is and to focus on that and ignore the rest would be a bit foolish on God's part. I think you should consider the fact that society was much different in biblical times and that between then and now, a lot of things are different and a lot of things have been lost in translation. Love is a beautiful thing, Quinn, and as long as you're not hurting yourself or anyone else I don't think loving another person can ever be wrong."
She brushes a hand against her cheek and it comes back wet. "Okay."
Quinn starts to stand up and he says, "Good luck on your paper."
For the first time, she smiles back at him. "Thank you."
Mr. Schuester says he thinks their voices would sound really great together and the next thing Quinn knows, she's meeting Rachel in the auditorium to practice a duet. Being alone with Rachel is something she's been avoiding for weeks and when she sees Rachel waiting for her near the piano, her muscles go rigid with nervousness.
Rachel immediately notices. "Are you okay? You seem really tense." Quinn doesn't know what to say and before she can stop herself, she's leaning down and kissing Rachel. It's chaste and as Rachel is standing there, looking at her, with her lips slightly parted, Quinn wonders if she imagined it. But then Rachel leans forward and softly presses her lips against Quinn's and God, it feels so good. It shouldn't feel this good, she thinks.
It feels better than she had ever thought it would. Softer. Before she pulls away, Quinn catches Rachel's bottom lip between her own and lightly sucks on it. She tastes like vanilla.
They stare at each other for a moment and then finally, Rachel says, "Oh. Well, that explains it."
Quinn is feeling lightheaded and confused and the only thing she can get herself to say is, "Huh?"
"I'm the Arnold to your Helga."
"How do you even know that reference? Watching cartoons seems…beneath you."
"I liked to watch a variety of television programs as a child. Being well rounded is never a bad idea."
Quinn looks away, blinking. This is not how she thought it would go. Rachel just stands there, waiting.
"I like you, Rachel."
Rachel smiles cheekily. "Obviously. I like you too, Quinn."
"But why? You should be angry with me. You should want nothing to do with me. I've been awful to you."
"Hanging onto anger is unproductive," Rachel says with a shrug.
Before she can lose her nerve, Quinn asks, "Do you want to hang out sometime? Outside of glee, I mean."
"I'd like that."
Rachel's smiling because of her and Quinn's waiting for the words to pop into her head, but for once there's nothing. She feels calm. She feels like everything is going to be okay.