Life's Regrets

Written for The Rooms 2017 Memoir Madness

The crew of four stood around the small craft they'd just brought aboard. It was the first man-made thing they had come across in months, this sector of space being very dead and lonely -if you didn't count the large mining vessel, Red Dwarf, size of a small moon, which had been traversing deep space ever since it left the solar system three million years ago.

One of the four crew, Arnold Rimmer looked spooked by the ship, walking around it warily and trying to place whether he'd seen it before. "That ship looks familiar," he finally stated.

He wasn't the only one who found the ship to look familiar. The small red craft was very much like the one that had almost been the death of them on one occasion.

The mechanoid Kryten replied. "It is familiar, sir, because it is Wildfire, a ship that you were once the pilot of."

"It doesn't look like the Wildfire I piloted. What's it doing all the way out here? Are there enemies around we haven't seen?" Rimmer asked, looking at the display that was supposed to show everything within Red Dwarf's range.

The small ship didn't look damaged in any way. The four man crew was entranced by it, the most exciting thing in months, the last thing before that had been a garbage pod. It was a sad day when even garbage pods became exciting.

Kryten finally made connection with the small ship's computer. "No life signs, one body deceased. The pilot passed away days after the Red Dwarf accident in this sector of space."

"But nothing was out here three million years ago. Humans didn't have the means to get this far out into space three million years ago. Did he drift here?" Rimmer asked.

"Only slightly, we picked him up three kilometres the left of the coordinates he jumped to," Kryten said. "Considering the jump drive of the ship, it is very likely he accidently jumped to the wrong time when he needed help."

Lister looked devastated at the news of the pilot - Ace had been his friend. Cat was indifferent and looked close to stalking off if something didn't happen soon. Rimmer was elated that another version of himself hadn't survived as Ace, and hadn't passed on the flame to top that. Something that Rimmer had survived and passed on the duty as Ace to another Arnold Rimmer.

Ready to gloat at his dead self, Rimmer walk up to the shop, opening the cockpit, freezing after taking in the appearance of the dead man.

"Is something wrong?" Lister asked coming up behind him, seeing the dried out corpse in the same outfit he'd seen many years ago.

"That's not Ace," Rimmer said in a quiet voice.

Lister looked at Rimmer and the corpse. "Of course it is. Looks exactly like him."

"No he doesn't, he's not him," Rimmer said quietly, fussing around with the corpse's clothing.

Lister was not convinced, the dead dried out husk looked like Ace as much as a dead man could.

Rimmer found what he was looking for, pulling dog tags carefully out of the dead man's shirt and over his head. He gave the dog tags a sad smile."I knew you weren't an alternate version of me," Rimmer said softly, running his fingers over the dog tags before handing them to Lister.

Lister read the tags. It wasn't the tags of Commander Arnold Judas Rimmer like he'd been expecting. Instead he had the tags of Commander John Arthur Rimmer.

"Your hotshot brother from the special forces," Lister confirmed.

Rimmer nodded, his facial expression blank. Lister hated when Rimmer was like this, he was unpredictable and unpredictable Rimmer could be dangerous at times.

"Sirs, I've downloaded Mr Ace's records to the computer." Kryten announced.

"I order no one else read them," Rimmer ordered. "As acting senior commanding officer it is my duty to read his report first."

Lister put a hand on Kryten's shoulder. "Those are his brother's final words, just let him have this."

- Red Dwarf -

Rimmer locked himself in the observatory, he was in soft light mode since that dulled everything including what he felt. Everything from Wildfire's hard drive was as his fingertips. Most of the files were standard reports you'd expect and everything had been transmitted to the Space Corps, except one file. It looked out of place.

Rimmer opened that file, not knowing what to expect.

- Red Dwarf -

If you only had a day left to live, what would you do? I always believed that if I knew when I was going to die I would go tell my mother to fuck off. It's probably not appropriate to swear at my mother, but I'd never been able to tell her no. I spent my life living under her thumb, being a good son and listening to what she said. Letting her weave my life in the way she wanted. Chose my friends and girlfriends because of my mother's approval, chose the subjects my mother wanted me to study, got the job my mother wanted me to get. I could never tell her no and as a result I did not lead the life I wanted for myself and now it's too late to change anything.

If only I'd known it was my final day among the living I would spend the rest of my short life in the arms of a gorgeous woman that mother would never approve of. Probably a married one that I'd always fantasised like about but did nothing about, like my sister-in-law Janine, god, she was beautiful. Frank was a lucky son of a gun to end up with her. I am going to die anyway, who cares about consequences.

If you are reading this, it means you have found me, or what's left of me, and you will know I didn't spend my final moments wrapped up in the arms of a beautiful woman. At the moment it seems extremely unlikely that I will ever be found since I am on the far reaches of deep uncharted space.

I really don't expect to survive. I hope that I do. I hope I find some way to get out of this mess. It feels surreal knowing I am going to die. At the moment there is nothing wrong with me. My oxygen will run out in six hours, five minutes and twenty three seconds. It is after that point I will suffocate to death. I started to write this because even though I know no one will ever read it, I felt I should be doing something with my final hours instead of sitting here panicking about my upcoming death. I don't even have a full twenty-four hours. Despite my situation, I love my job, I knew the risks and I have died doing what I love. Mother would disapprove.

With my death, it will make the fifth death in the family this month. It started with my father, who passed away in his sleep. He hadn't been all there for a number of years now, a number of strokes, dementia and a failed suicide attempt had left him a shell. The next to go was my Uncle Frank, father's younger brother. He couldn't cope without my father, they'd been really close as children, sharing everything even as adults including my mother and aunt. His suicide attempt was a success. Shot himself at the funeral pallor while he was standing at my father's open coffin. Or maybe he couldn't cope with dealing with my mother on his own. The third death was a great aunt, I didn't know her well, she passed away in her sleep.

The death that affected everyone the most and had been unexpected was my youngest brother's death. Arnold had been estranged from the family for years. If he had committed suicide or a heart attack I don't think anyone would've looked twice. When the news came in of the radiation leak on the JMC mining vessel, I honestly hadn't been expecting to see Arnold's name listed as a member of the crew. I thought he'd lied and joined an art colony or a theatre group. He was always creative when he was little. Putting on plays, dressing up. He was the only one to ever stand up or talk back to our parents. I thought he freed himself from them when he left at fourteen. He was never really free, he kept coming back and kept trying to please them and died with nothing.

The comments had been cruel, that it would've been better if Arnold had never been born, that he amounted to nothing, was a failure, was the reason everyone on his ship died and other nasty comments. I'd been hearing those comments all my life, about Arnold, about Howard, about Frank and especially about mother and father. They'd nitpick everything that was wrong and be nice to our faces. The only one that ever said anything directly to anyone was Arnold, he was always getting in trouble for telling lies when he was in fact telling the truths that no one else wanted to hear.

Like Arnold, I am going to die with nothing.

I always thought I would have a chance to settle down and start a family later. Work hard while young and enjoy the quiet life when I was old and grey. I won't get to be old. I have a few grey hairs. Mother freaks out every time she sees that Frank and I have even more grey hairs and that our hair has thinned out even further in the back. Howard's lucky, he's got a full head of dark brown hair and not a grey in sight. I have no idea what Arnold's hair is like. Is it greying and thinning like my own, or is his hair like Howard's?

Howard, Arnold and myself did not do what we wanted with life. We did what our parents expected. Frank is the only one that knew what he wanted and went after it. He married young despite the disapproval from the family. He wanted to be in the Space Corps and loved being a Captain – something our parents did approve of. He dotes on his children. I wish I had what he has: a job that I want and a family who loves me, that I love in turn.

Regrets, I have many more. Not asking about my paternity is one of them. I remember when Frank and Janine were expecting their first, we'd all been invited over for dinner to celebrate, except for Arnold, he was never invited to anything, even when he still lived at home. He was a disappointment to our parents and they made it clear they didn't want him around. Father told Frank to made sure he got a paternity test after the kid was born. Father said, "Not a single one of you had the same father." I'd never believed the rumours about mother's affairs had been true until that point. Well except the one about her being with Uncle Frank. If Uncle Frank was my father it meant I was still a Rimmer, it made no difference, but a stranger?

Frank, Howard and Arnold were all my half siblings. I remember being horrified. Howard chucked a tantrum that it wasn't true. Frank started crying, he's always been sensitive. Him and Arnold both didn't take much to get crying. I bet if Arnold had been there he'd say something snarky. I wish he'd been there to relieve the tension that day. Frank's crying, Howard's tantrum and my denial. Janine was comforting Frank, mother was scolding Frank and Howard for their behaviour. Father continued on as if nothing happened. It was not a pleasant day. Finding out the man you believed was your father may not be your father is not something I ever expected to discover.

Not sure who Howard's biological father is, but he definitely not a Rimmer, he does not look like mother or father's families. I look like father, but I could be uncle Franks or fathers or another relative. I'm pretty sure I am a Rimmer, but the doubt is always there. Frank and Arnold both look like mother - they look like they could be full siblings.

Despite Frank and Arnold both looking so similar, I always had suspicions that Arnold wasn't father's. Father just didn't care when he left the family. Father didn't care when he almost died on more than one occasion as a child. He even went so far as to singled out and bully his own son at university when Arnold had been unlucky enough to get father as a teacher.

I guess I don't have to wonder much longer if father is my father or uncle Frank or some other family member or one of the men who worked for our family over the years or a stranger. I hope in death I get to find out the truth.

Do any of us have siblings we don't know about? Did our biological fathers know about us? Did mother and father have other children? I know now that mother wasn't the only one with a string of affairs. Did mother have children that she couldn't pass as father's? I have a vague memory of her being pregnant when I was young before Frank was born. I was too young to know if that was true or not.

`,`,`,`,`,`,`

I regret not having children of my own. Seeing Frank with his boys, he looks so happy and he treats them a hell of a lot better than our parents treated us. His second boy Paul is just like Arnold. I thought Frank would reject his own child, instead I see him encouraging him and working with him at schoolwork. With Janine's influence they allow him to be creative. I think Paul's going to be a model like his mother. That is something I know that mother and father would never approve of. I regret that I am not going to see how Paul grows up. If he throws Rimmer family tradition out of the window.

I thought I was going to be a father once, a long time ago. At the time I didn't want to be a father, I was only sixteen and still at school. Mother and father would've killed me. My girlfriend at the time, she ended up getting an abortion. I was relieved because I was only worried about what my parent would think and about my future in the Space Corps. Mother found out - she always had her ways of worming information out of people. She was pleased that the right thing had been done. She didn't even care that it was her first grandchild that had been destroyed. I didn't care that my first child had been destroyed at the time. Now I can't help thinking about what ifs. Was the child a boy or a girl? Would it look like me? Was it even mine or was my girlfriend a cheater like my mother? I will never know and wish I could go back in time and talk her out of that decision and take the baby to raise.

`,`,`,`,`,`,`

If I could see my father again, I would tell him that there is nothing wrong with not getting into the Space Corps. Father was always so bitter. He should've made the most of what he could've done instead of ensuring his sons could live his dreams. He should've been proud. Even when I made it to the Special Forces at a young age, he wanted more for me. I don't think he would've been satisfied until he had made it to commander of the universe.

If I could see Frank, I would tell him how proud I was that he went and did what he wanted and succeeded and to continue being a loving father to his children and a loving husband to his wife and not let her go, never hurt her.

To Arnold and Howard, I would tell them sorry. Sorry that I didn't take you both when I realised that something was wrong with the way we were raised. That you both got caught in the trap that I was caught in. Howard, you could've done excellent in a sports based career, even Zero G which you were on the school team for. Arnold, you could've done well on stage.

`,`,`,`,`,`,`

I don't have much oxygen left. I'm going to turn the gas on to knock myself out. I'll fall asleep and not have to deal with the suffocation. I'm scared because I know this is the last time I will look up at the stars. When I wake up, I'm going to find my child and be a father and I am going to find Arnold and be a proper big brother and be a proper family in death that we couldn't be in life. Goodnight.

- Red Dwarf -

Arnold Rimmer walked back to his shared room in a daze. He had a printed photo from the lab. He took a seat at the table, across from Lister and handed over the photo of his brother in front of the ship they'd just found.

Rimmer started speaking right away. "My brother's really dead. He died a few days after I did. It was the trial of the jump drive. He was supposed to go from the far reaches of space and back to the Space Corp base on Miamas. He was successful in the jump to space, but the drive burnt out and instead of jumping back, he jumped further into deep space. His ship isn't Wildfire, it's what Wildfire is based on."

"This is upsetting you, isn't it?" Lister asked.

"Yes, why are you even surprised?"

"When Howard died - in your arms, no less - you lied to his face and then acted like it never even happened."

"That was different."

"How?"

"He wasn't really Howard, he was just a cheap imitation."

"That's rich, coming from you, considering you're also a hologram."

"Howard may not be gone forever. I still have his light bee, I may be able to fix it and make everything better. John is gone, he's not coming back. Just read it."

Rimmer shoved the holoreader into Lister's face. Lister took hold of the holoreader, which disappeared as soon as soon as Rimmer let go.

Lister knew exactly what it was despite only seeing the writing for a few moment. "Are you sure? Your brother's final words seem like it was something personal."

"His final words are for whoever found him, that includes you. I thought John was the golden child but he wasn't. He wasn't treated any different from myself. My parents mistreated him to, they mistreated all of us, it wasn't just me. I wasn't alone. John though I could've been a theatre performer and that I could've done well. He thought that Howard could've played Zero G. He was proud of Frank for starting a family. John didn't want to be in the Space Corp, he didn't know what he wanted to be. He was proud that I left. I didn't live up to those expectations he had for me. I kept going back, I'm still trapped, despite them being dead."

"But you recognise now when you do something that your parents expected of you and not what you truly want. It's not as often that you have a relapse into doing what your parents expected."

"But they still happen."

"And I still get drunk during the week when I swear that it will only happen on weekends. What's this about your brother thinking you would be a good theatre performer?" Lister asked.

Rimmer beamed, going into a lengthy story. "When I was young, I used to volunteer for every school play and often got the leading role - the leading female role. Father was not happy ..."