I'm Not Allowed to be Angry
KimMi
I needed a little output from my anger towards my stupid father, so, I wrote this!
Oh, and I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. The fact that Malik doesn't have a little sister (me! ^u^) is proof enough.
*~*~*~*~*
"Don't hold your feelings inside. Let them out. It isn't good to keep everything bottled up. It isn't healthy."
That's what people keep telling me because I don't like people knowing when I'm sad. I understand it isn't good to keep things bottled up inside. And, I don't. I just simply don't tell people how I'm feeling. That isn't the same as keeping things bottled up, no matter what they think.
Their all hypocrites.
Because when they say, don't keep you feeling bottled up, they mean it's okay to cry. It's okay to laugh.
So, why isn't it okay to be mad?
The last time I checked, anger, resentment, hatred, they're all feelings as well, correct?
They want me to cry on their shoulder, want me to laugh with them, but they don't want to help me when I'm angry. Anger is what I'm not good at dealing with. It's what I actually need help with.
I understand loneliness, I've felt it all my life. I even feel it now sometimes, but it's starting to hurt less.
I can do happiness. That's what I act most of the time. Even though they've never actually seen me truly happy, I know what it is. I know how to fake it.
But anger, it's true that I rarely feel it. But, I know what it is. I know how it feels. I know how it hurts. I don't feel it that often, but...
I still feel it.
So, why do they reject me for doing what they say? They tell me that it's okay to feel, and to come to them when I'm hurting. Here I am with them now; I'm mad, I'm hurting. Perhaps their reaction hurts the most.
"Mad? What do you have to be upset about?"
"How can you be upset? Come on `kura. You never get mad."
"Just don't worry about it Ryou."
"Sorry Ryou, but I don't know how to help."
"It can't be that big a deal. Just forget about it and get on with your life. Besides, how can you be mad when you have friends like us? Friendship conquers all!"
"..."
"Don't worry pal, it'll get better."
It stops there. No one delves any deeper into the subject.
That last one, Otogi, he actually seemed to say something that helped. The rest didn't. Honda scoffed. Jou was in disbelief that sweet, little Ryou had a flaw. His little sister didn't seem to quite grasp the situation. The great Yuugi, the leader, didn't know what to do. Anzu... She made her usual friendship speech. She didn't seem to understand that friendship itself doesn't help, but how people use it helps. And Seto, he didn't say anything. He just looked at me with those blue eyes, like he understood.
Should I call them my friends? I mean, are they really? They never include me in anything. They never help me unless I'm being tormented by my yami. Hell, they probably don't even notice me unless my yami's creating chaos.
Heh, I wonder what they'd say if they knew that precious, little Ryou just swore.
Now, the angers ebbing away. Loneliness is creeping in again. That's okay. I know loneliness. I know how to dull that ache. I just put on my smile and pretend that last conversation didn't happen.
Yes, I'm still with my... friends.
Otogi is giving me a weird look, like he knows something is wrong, but not what. He sends me a consoling smile. It's odd. He's been friends with Yuugi and the others for far shorter then I have, but he's already more of a friend to them then I am. Everyone else goes on to what they were doing before.
I sigh in my head, leaning my head against my hand. I wish Malik was here. But the physco blond went back to Egypt for about a month. He's the only one who I could talk to. When he said, 'don't keep things bottled up inside, tell me about them' he actually acted that out. He actually meant it.
So, everyone is talking and such, I'm just sitting there, being ignored, listening to everyone else talk. I try to remember what I was mad about. I don't really remember. It doesn't really matter now. I'm not allowed to be mad.
I feel a slight tug on my arm, and I look up. Is Seto's hand actually holding my arm? He looks me in the eyes, and I seem to understand what he wants even if he doesn't speak. I stand and follow him.
As we leave the room, I can hear the end of the conversation quite clearly.
"Where's `kura goin' with Kaiba?" Jou asks as if they knew.
"He probably wants to talk to Ryou." Otogi suggests.
"Why?" Oh Anzu, why don't you just do yourself a favor and dye your hair blond? But, that would be an insult to Mai.
"Didn't you guys notice?" Otogi seems to have gotten an air of disbelief and disgust. "Ryou was obviously upset about something. And unlike us, Kaiba actually wants to help Ryou." Otogi snaps.
I don't hear the rest, because by then Seto has taken me too far away. He doesn't stop until we're on the roof. I just stand there, a bit nervous. He leans slightly against the chain link fence that keeps people from falling off.
There's a silence that seems to last an eternity, though my watch tells me it's only been about forty seconds, when Seto speaks.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
I really want to laugh. I mean, not only did I try that and fail miserably, but this is Seto Kaiba who is telling me bottling up emotions is bad. How ironic.
"You shouldn't expect people who don't understand to help you either."
Okay, that one caught me off guard.
"Stop going to Yuugi and his friends when you need to talk. Go to Malik, or Otogi, or maybe the mutt when no one else is around him. Go to someone who cares. Because it's obvious that even though Yuugi and his group care, they don't care enough."
I don't say anything.
He turns to me, his intense ice blue eyes fixed on my plain brown ones. "Don't expect people who don't understand to start understanding."
I nod, sniffing a bit. I beat the tears in my eyes are obvious and that I'll start blubbering any second now.
Seto places a hand on my shoulder and squeezes softly. He isn't offering friendship, I know that. I don't know what he's offering me, but I'll gladly take it.
By now Jou and Otogi are on the roof too. I guess that Otogi followed us
and Jou excepted that I wasn't perfect and came too.
Otogi immediately places me in a hug while Jou glares at Seto. As usual, Jou thinks everything's Seto's fault, there for it is his fault that I'm crying.
Ignoring Jou's yells and insults, Seto walks past him and down the stairs.
"You okay Ryou?" Otogi asks softly and Jou rubs my back.
I nod, my face still pressed tightly into Otogi's shirt.
Sometimes help can be found in the most unlikely places.
*~*~*~*~*
KimMi: I wuv fluff! ^u^
Noa: You just like Ryou being all depressed and angsty and not having anyone but Seto understanding him.
KimMi: But Otogi understood, and Jou kinda did!
Noa: * sigh * Why am I here?
KimMi: Because you're cute, and you have the most adorable expression when you smile, and I needed a muse, and, and, Noah's Ark!!! Mwahahahahahaha!
Noa: * edges towards the door * Yeah. Why don't you try taking over the Shadow Realm again?
KimMi: * stops laughing * Because I'm not allowed there anymore without Yami supervision because I almost destroyed it once.
Noa: Go bug Seto.
KimMi: He said something about not being allowed within twenty feet of him for the next three months.
Noa: Which mean?
KimMi: I'll stay away for three hours.
Noa: You started this fic four hours ago.
KimMi: Yeah! * runs out of the room *
Noa: Review now people. Tell her that she needs another muse and should let me go. * tugs at leash attached to his neck *
KimMi
I needed a little output from my anger towards my stupid father, so, I wrote this!
Oh, and I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh. The fact that Malik doesn't have a little sister (me! ^u^) is proof enough.
*~*~*~*~*
"Don't hold your feelings inside. Let them out. It isn't good to keep everything bottled up. It isn't healthy."
That's what people keep telling me because I don't like people knowing when I'm sad. I understand it isn't good to keep things bottled up inside. And, I don't. I just simply don't tell people how I'm feeling. That isn't the same as keeping things bottled up, no matter what they think.
Their all hypocrites.
Because when they say, don't keep you feeling bottled up, they mean it's okay to cry. It's okay to laugh.
So, why isn't it okay to be mad?
The last time I checked, anger, resentment, hatred, they're all feelings as well, correct?
They want me to cry on their shoulder, want me to laugh with them, but they don't want to help me when I'm angry. Anger is what I'm not good at dealing with. It's what I actually need help with.
I understand loneliness, I've felt it all my life. I even feel it now sometimes, but it's starting to hurt less.
I can do happiness. That's what I act most of the time. Even though they've never actually seen me truly happy, I know what it is. I know how to fake it.
But anger, it's true that I rarely feel it. But, I know what it is. I know how it feels. I know how it hurts. I don't feel it that often, but...
I still feel it.
So, why do they reject me for doing what they say? They tell me that it's okay to feel, and to come to them when I'm hurting. Here I am with them now; I'm mad, I'm hurting. Perhaps their reaction hurts the most.
"Mad? What do you have to be upset about?"
"How can you be upset? Come on `kura. You never get mad."
"Just don't worry about it Ryou."
"Sorry Ryou, but I don't know how to help."
"It can't be that big a deal. Just forget about it and get on with your life. Besides, how can you be mad when you have friends like us? Friendship conquers all!"
"..."
"Don't worry pal, it'll get better."
It stops there. No one delves any deeper into the subject.
That last one, Otogi, he actually seemed to say something that helped. The rest didn't. Honda scoffed. Jou was in disbelief that sweet, little Ryou had a flaw. His little sister didn't seem to quite grasp the situation. The great Yuugi, the leader, didn't know what to do. Anzu... She made her usual friendship speech. She didn't seem to understand that friendship itself doesn't help, but how people use it helps. And Seto, he didn't say anything. He just looked at me with those blue eyes, like he understood.
Should I call them my friends? I mean, are they really? They never include me in anything. They never help me unless I'm being tormented by my yami. Hell, they probably don't even notice me unless my yami's creating chaos.
Heh, I wonder what they'd say if they knew that precious, little Ryou just swore.
Now, the angers ebbing away. Loneliness is creeping in again. That's okay. I know loneliness. I know how to dull that ache. I just put on my smile and pretend that last conversation didn't happen.
Yes, I'm still with my... friends.
Otogi is giving me a weird look, like he knows something is wrong, but not what. He sends me a consoling smile. It's odd. He's been friends with Yuugi and the others for far shorter then I have, but he's already more of a friend to them then I am. Everyone else goes on to what they were doing before.
I sigh in my head, leaning my head against my hand. I wish Malik was here. But the physco blond went back to Egypt for about a month. He's the only one who I could talk to. When he said, 'don't keep things bottled up inside, tell me about them' he actually acted that out. He actually meant it.
So, everyone is talking and such, I'm just sitting there, being ignored, listening to everyone else talk. I try to remember what I was mad about. I don't really remember. It doesn't really matter now. I'm not allowed to be mad.
I feel a slight tug on my arm, and I look up. Is Seto's hand actually holding my arm? He looks me in the eyes, and I seem to understand what he wants even if he doesn't speak. I stand and follow him.
As we leave the room, I can hear the end of the conversation quite clearly.
"Where's `kura goin' with Kaiba?" Jou asks as if they knew.
"He probably wants to talk to Ryou." Otogi suggests.
"Why?" Oh Anzu, why don't you just do yourself a favor and dye your hair blond? But, that would be an insult to Mai.
"Didn't you guys notice?" Otogi seems to have gotten an air of disbelief and disgust. "Ryou was obviously upset about something. And unlike us, Kaiba actually wants to help Ryou." Otogi snaps.
I don't hear the rest, because by then Seto has taken me too far away. He doesn't stop until we're on the roof. I just stand there, a bit nervous. He leans slightly against the chain link fence that keeps people from falling off.
There's a silence that seems to last an eternity, though my watch tells me it's only been about forty seconds, when Seto speaks.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
I really want to laugh. I mean, not only did I try that and fail miserably, but this is Seto Kaiba who is telling me bottling up emotions is bad. How ironic.
"You shouldn't expect people who don't understand to help you either."
Okay, that one caught me off guard.
"Stop going to Yuugi and his friends when you need to talk. Go to Malik, or Otogi, or maybe the mutt when no one else is around him. Go to someone who cares. Because it's obvious that even though Yuugi and his group care, they don't care enough."
I don't say anything.
He turns to me, his intense ice blue eyes fixed on my plain brown ones. "Don't expect people who don't understand to start understanding."
I nod, sniffing a bit. I beat the tears in my eyes are obvious and that I'll start blubbering any second now.
Seto places a hand on my shoulder and squeezes softly. He isn't offering friendship, I know that. I don't know what he's offering me, but I'll gladly take it.
By now Jou and Otogi are on the roof too. I guess that Otogi followed us
and Jou excepted that I wasn't perfect and came too.
Otogi immediately places me in a hug while Jou glares at Seto. As usual, Jou thinks everything's Seto's fault, there for it is his fault that I'm crying.
Ignoring Jou's yells and insults, Seto walks past him and down the stairs.
"You okay Ryou?" Otogi asks softly and Jou rubs my back.
I nod, my face still pressed tightly into Otogi's shirt.
Sometimes help can be found in the most unlikely places.
*~*~*~*~*
KimMi: I wuv fluff! ^u^
Noa: You just like Ryou being all depressed and angsty and not having anyone but Seto understanding him.
KimMi: But Otogi understood, and Jou kinda did!
Noa: * sigh * Why am I here?
KimMi: Because you're cute, and you have the most adorable expression when you smile, and I needed a muse, and, and, Noah's Ark!!! Mwahahahahahaha!
Noa: * edges towards the door * Yeah. Why don't you try taking over the Shadow Realm again?
KimMi: * stops laughing * Because I'm not allowed there anymore without Yami supervision because I almost destroyed it once.
Noa: Go bug Seto.
KimMi: He said something about not being allowed within twenty feet of him for the next three months.
Noa: Which mean?
KimMi: I'll stay away for three hours.
Noa: You started this fic four hours ago.
KimMi: Yeah! * runs out of the room *
Noa: Review now people. Tell her that she needs another muse and should let me go. * tugs at leash attached to his neck *